Boyfriend refuses to change his mind about having kids or even compromise?

[Anonymous]

I've been with my boyfriend for four years but we aren't engaged.

He told me when we first got together he wants to be married he didn't want kids, but he was young then and that's just what young people say. Fast forward to a few months ago and I brought up the topic of getting engaged and he said he has been thinking about it so let's talk about our expectations, I said how I wanted two children and he immediately shut that down and reminded me he doesn't want kids, at all, I suggested a compromise of one child and he said that's no compromise, he doesn't want kids and I knew that from the start and we got in a HUGE fight over it and now I don't think he even wants to get engaged, he said we are still together but I need to work out what I want, because if I want kids then he's not the man for me, and that he's planning on getting a vasectomy soon without my consent.

I don't want to end this because in every other way he's the perfect guy, but I feel he's not taking my happiness into consideration, what do I do?

[Anonymous]

Sorry, but I agree with your boyfriend. He told you upfront that he didn't want kids, but you didn't believe him and carried on with this relationship for 4 years. Now you're in a much more painful situation because you've developed this relationship for 4 years and are attached to someone who doesn't want the same things in life as you do.

I also agree that there is no "compromise" when it comes to kids. You either have kids or you don't. Would you really want to bring a child into this world with a father who doesn't want them? I wouldn't.

And as far as him getting a vasectomy "without your consent", he doesn't need your consent. He's an adult, it's his body and he can make his own decisions. If you became pregnant and he wanted you to get an abortion, would you listen? Or would you carry on with the pregnancy "without his consent"? Doesn't work that way, sorry.

The best advice I can give you is, when someone tells you something straight up, especially if it's something they know you don't want to hear, believe them. He wouldn't have told you 4 years ago that he didn't want kids, knowing you DO want kids, if it wasn't true. If this relationship ends, then keep this in mind going forward and take people at face value.

[Anonymous]

This is a very clear deal breaker does not matter how perfect he is. Don’t assume he will change either. If you compromise on what you want you will resent him. by the way I’m sure you know that having a baby is extremely tough even when a relationship is strong and both parents want it. Any weaknesses pre existing to a baby will break you once you have it. Plus there is a chance he would bail on you since he never wanted it. That is not how you picture your life I’m sure? There are plenty of great men out there who also want kids, don’t let yourself be short sighted

[Aassem]

Well, kids or no kids that's a marriage or no marriage type of deal, you can't compromise having kids.
Lemme explain this better, why do people get married? Because marriage is what protects a family, it's also the window to having a family (husband, wife and a kid at least), for most people the base of a family is a husband and a wife, not a boyfriend and a girlfriend, because it's much harder to brake a marriage of a husband and a wife than the relationship of a boyfriend and a girlfriend, and that's what we want, a relationship that's tough to brake, not for us, but for our kids. So why get engaged if you're not planning on having kids? So what do you want, a relationship or a family?

[Tomsta]

Many people get married who then don't plan on kids. You're making it seem like it's what you do like it's what is expected

[caring__1]

You want him to be considerate of your feelings, while you feel it is totally acceptable to be inconsiderate of his. You got involved with him expecting him to change. Would you feel it would be acceptable if he got into the relationship expecting you to change? He was open and honest from the start. Both of you are set in your ways. What makes you think he should be the one to change and not you? Cut him loose and let him find someone who can appreciate him as he is. If you truly care about him, let him find happiness, as he won't find happiness with you.

[Anonymous]

He's not taking YOUR happiness into consideration?

Try to honestly put yourself in his shoes and ask yourself if you would want to commit and have children as a man in today's world. Half of marriages end in divorce, 70% of divorces are filed by women and men get screwed in marriage, divorce and child custody settlements. Why would he willingly choose to put himself at risk like that?

The whole marriage with kids thing has become a trap for men. It's nothing like it used to be. Men don't get nearly the benefits from marriage that they used to but they face higher risks than ever before. Why would men want to do that?

[HugoThe2nd]

"but he was young then and that's just what young people say"

Lol, gg with your 4 years down the drain.
It's not something "young people say", it's a life expectation.
You take those seriously, and if you don't, you deserve this to happen to you.

[ZackBan]

It's sad but true that you can't force someone into these things.

But you have the right to want kids and if you accept now and marry him you'll always be miserable about not having kids. So I suggest you confront him about it before the final snip.

Just tell him you really want kids, don't be whiny about it be affirmative if he still choses to not have them or at least hold off on sterilizing himself then you'll have to make the tough decision now

[genericname85]

why are you wasting time with them then? obviously the both of you aren't gonna work.

he told you what you get with him. so it's your fault that you assumed you'd get something else than what he told. realize that mistake and move on, trying not to repeat that.

[Tomsta]

If he doesn't want kids you aren't going to force him into get kids. He told you straight up that he didn't want them and did say that if you want kids then he isn't the guy for you. I'm siding with him, you need to think on how much of deal breaker kids are for you. Also 1 kid isn't a compromise to someone who says "I don't want kids"

[Steinkopf]

He said that he didn't want kids and he also doesn't need your consent to get a vasectomy either. You don't seem to take his happiness into account too.
You will break up with now or later I don't see the relationship going anywhere.
Sad but true, sry.

[Surely]

How badly do you want children?
Do you want children or your boyfriend?
If you "accidently" get pregnant he will probably leave you.

[Anonymous]

so you lied to him lol
and wasted your time

[Anonymous]

that's fucked up. how long have you been with him?

[Opinion Owner]

i wouldn't mind having kids. i thought about having two kids a boy and a girl