How Many Failed Relationships Does One Have To Have Before They Realize "They" Might Be The Issue?

Question

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Me and my ex broke up for obvious reasons. He would tell big lies or he would cheat. But I did discover some things about myself during the healing process. I realized that their were some things I could have done differently, ultimately I could have been a better partner despite the fact that I will still go as far as to say I was good to him/for him because I genuinely cared about his happiness, what it took to make him happy, and I wanted to grow with him. I had good intentions, I was loyal, I didn’t cross any of the lines he had crossed and I didn’t even seek any revenge and yet I still had some regrets about how I might not have treated him as “perfectly” as I thought I did. Because there were times I would be secretive by protecting some of my families reputation at the cost of losing some of his trust. He had no idea why at times I would hide thing about my life-all in the name of keeping up appearances for the sake of not shaming my family or exposing their secrets. I never cheated or did anything disloyal and yet I didn’t ease his fears even though I knew he had trust issues from being cheated on-I didn’t know how. And that’s the thing-sometimes you just don’t know how to speak the other persons love language. My ex was damaged and miserable and I prayed for his healing constantly even as he was tearing me apart. He hurt me because he was selfish, immature, lost... but he wasn’t a bad person. I sincerely believe he just didn’t know how to do things better in accordance with what was best for himself. In part, maybe he just didn’t want to commit which is fine if your honest about what you want in a relationship. But his fears of being alone made him into who he was. I also had a fear of losing the only thing that made me happy. We both were flawed despite the fact that I did do right by him. Everybody can do something a little better. That’s why it’s so important to communicate honestly and openly. That’s how you make a relationship last and it takes both people to maintain this open communication even when your afraid of the consequences of your ignorance/not knowing how to treat them. You have to work together or it will fall apart

Jaylaaa2000 · Accepted Answer

I mean tbh, failed relationships doesn't mean you're the issue as much as you haven't found the right person.

Every relationship fails except for one.

The big thing is using each relationship as a lesson so you don't repeat the same mistakes.

Apope16 · Accepted Answer

Honestly? I have noticed a difference between culture and how men and women handle breakups.

You see. In our culture if a guy gets dumped he experiences self reflection. Just go on youtube and it is filled with male dating advice on not being needy or being more masculine or the post breakup workout routine. In other words, men after a breakup go through a self reflective phase of depression and self improvement.

Women in breakups are treated differently. They are never considered the problem. Not only that... but women are told that they are beautiful and that guys are assholes. Then women go on Tinder and bounce from guy to guy to guy to guy ever 3 months or so. THey are never held accountable. it is always because guys are assholes and they are beautiful. They were dumped because they are too beautiful and because their weight gain means Thicc Thighs Saves LIves and they are BBW.

In other words, each time a man gets dumped he re evaluates who he is. A woman goes most of her life without being told she is the problem and being held accountable. SHe takes men for granted because she has dozens of thirsty guys who want to have sex with her while she is in a relationship. But she foolishly thinks that the attention means they want to wife her or be in a relationship. NO no no. sex attention does not mean they like you as anything more than a hookup.

coachTanthony · Answer

It takes two to tango so I would say every relationship that fails has something more or less to do with you somehow someway.

oldasIfeel22 · Answer

Good question. It’s hard for most people to own up to their mistakes and even harder to make changes.

I personally got screwed over more then once for being “too nice” in my youth. I was raised to be chivalrous to women and I had a very controlling mother. I still struggle with that but I’ve developed radar to watch for female bullshit when it comes to this.

But there was one failed relationship where the fault was definitely on my end. I owned to that when things didn’t work out. But losing that one hurt. Really hurt. It’s been 7 years now and I still think about her often. But I found myself in a similar situation with a different woman. This time I did things the right way and effectively communicated. This included effectively communicating that I wanted to break up but she did nothing wrong. She went ballistic but at least I walked away knowing I did the right thing.

But nowadays I find myself no longer going out my way to please western women. Truth is I’m jaded from having women exploiting my chivalry and I know longer want to bend over backwards. If that means I’m going to be a long time bachelor than do be it. But I’ve had it. I can care less what family and friends think. I’m no longer ashamed of being the only unmarried sibling in both my immediate and extended families.

Anyway I’m moving to a different country soon and from my experience from previous visits the women their are generally much more respectful to men. There hasn’t been all this radical feminist bullshit that is brainwashing them to be selfish and entitled.

MasseurDeMojo · Answer

Most relationships fail, because of a lack of communication. If you have not learned how to communicate after the first failed relationship; it would be a good thing to realize before you enter a second that you have a problem, or you may end up having many failed relationships one after the other, because you do not recognize your communication problem.

When a relationship fails, you need to listen to each other in order to discover where you failed in your communication. A lot of times it falls on both partners; both have failed to communicate their desires in the relationship, and make discussion as to how they are going to satisfy the others expectations.

You should recognize the issues, and who is at fault (most cases both partners), after the first failure, but as society is what it is; we tend to not recognize things till we have failed multiple times, or in some cases, people never recognize the problem of communication, and die never realizing why they could not stay in a good relationship.

ohshee · Answer

Zero but that's only if you can truly be Honest with yourself,
Zero if you can see both sides of the situation and be honest with yourself
Zero If you understand the first lie you tell is the beginning of the end
Zero If you always treat your partner as the same person you did the day you meant each other
Zero If you can both sit down tell each other you love each other, but it's not going to work , and only talking about yourself because of one of the above reasons has happen ,
Zero If you really understand the word , unconditional love
Zero when you understand in life sometimes it takes 2 people to make 1 thing work , and your willing to do what ever it takes to do your part , because you want to do it not because you have to

Crazybeeguy · Answer

My relationships were mostly positive, I know how to be healthy. I had women want me to marry them. My failure was I wasn't ready for the commitment. I was still traveling the U. S and the world, I couldn't find the partner to do that with. I also was trying to figure myself out, my identity, and to have more experiences in life. I try to identify what I do wrong in the relationship, even if it was positive. I am not perfect, I am always constantly working on myself. I am however confident on who I am and what I can bring into a relationship. To think otherwise is narcissistic.

Knighted2170 · Answer

In general, most people have about 7 relationships before they find "the one."

Those that have 10 or more do it either by choice or they start down a path of looking for reasons.

The reasons for a break up, on both sides, can usually be traced back to four main categories. In no particular order these are:

1. Anger
2. Contempt
3. Neglect
4. Indifference

No one of these works alone. Where there is one, you will find the seed of another.

The problem is people don't want see themselves as the source of the problem. It's the other person. They are the reason they act or feel the way they do.

It usually takes a major "thing" to happen before someone does an objective look at themselves to see they need to change.

TonyMetal___86 · Answer

One of my sacred rules is to never blame others just to get away from my failure...

I'm a man who says the truth, if i'm wrong, i'll say it loud and clear and if they are wrong, i'll tell them that they are wrong, i was never ashamed of the wrong things that i have done, even though they are just a little but i'm glad that each opsticule thay occured in my way i was able to fix it and move on, if i did something wrong, i'm not affraid to say that i'm sorry and will do my best to never do it again...

No one is perfect which means being wrong pr doing the wrong things might occurs but what's important is that we fix them and try to never do them again...

JackSmy · Answer

The way I was raised, I ALWAYS ASSUME that I fcked up, somehow, in every relationship! Even when they say, "It's not you, it's me!" THEN I KNOW!!
Most don't take the time to really get to know me, to trust, build confidence, with each other.
Today, so many are so quick, and judge, and move on, that I think they miss a lot of really great people, just judging too fast, and not taking enough time!
Three of the ones that I dated, and REALLY liked, I TOTALLY HATED, at first!! LOL!!
They were part of our group of friends (different times, different groups, over 10 years).
We seemed to hate each other, and teased and taunted, and disagreed, but then, it just happened, and for different reasons, we got together, and it was really good, for a while!

ShadezMcgee · Answer

See, this is one I personally don't like. When I broke up with my ex I thought it was all my fault. Like I didn't do enough. Losing sleep over thinking about what I did wrong because I felt I was the problem when she broke up with me.

It messed me up for a long time and made me afraid to try again for a long time because I felt it would just happen again and it would be ny fault again. I despise the notion that failed relationships regardless of who is in the wrong somehow lead to be the belief you were the problem.

Not all relationships that end means you were the or are the problem. That is some bullshit.

I look at every relationship with women I had and think about my mistakes and what O could have done differently or any red flags I missed in hindsight that led to the falling out. I take responsibility.

Jaximus-Lion · Answer

For eternity, because it's never their fault 🤷‍♂️. My brother's ex is one of them aaaaaand it has three years since they saparated and so far ahe dated about 5-6 other guys and they are all useless (her words) and every guy had countless flaws and it's all their fault, not hers

Lliam · Answer

Not sure. Some people are slow learners and some people never learn.
But a successful relationship also requires a partner who won't just throw in the towel. They are dedicated to the relationship and will help you to see yourself without blaming or creating defensiveness. They are also willing to look at themselves. Nobody is perfect. Both people need to be committed to making the relationship work. And communication is the key.

RolandCuthbert · Answer

Not all failed relationships have a clearly understood reason for the issue. Sometimes people are just not good for each other no matter how much they are attracted to each other. Other times, the timing is wrong or the situation isn’t right. That said if people don’t take the approach that they have some responsibility in the failure or success on a relationship they definitely have it wrong.

RickDavis766 · Answer

It definitely takes two people to make it work.
It may also depend how long the relationships lasted.
If a person has had many, many relationships that lasted under a year, it may be safe to say that they're not trying hard enough to make it work.

ArrowheadSW · Answer

Of the relationships that I have had that have ended, I really wouldn't consider any of them to be "failed" relationships. All were learning experiences and oftentimes relationships have a certain "life" to them. And I recall a few that were cause for celebration when they ended... LOL!

GoodGuyBreakingBad · Answer

I believe they don't realize when they are the issue like my sister had a chance with this friend I introduce her to and she ended up breaking off with him over some crazy shit and then one time she lived with this guy and didn't want to get a job, so he had to go out to work but he got pissed off cause of ways, so he broke up and threw her out the place where they were living and where did she moved back but back home, finally when her daughter ( niece) was like age 8, she got a job with the school and got her shit together but her daughter was a one night fling, I feel bad for my niece and I love them both but I don't know

FilmGuy93 · Answer

I guess it would primarily depend on whether they were able to get a clear idea on what happened in the relationship and how honest they are willing to be about their own behavior. Lots of people have too much pride to look at their own behavior honestly.

Anonymous · Answer

If you're in the dating pool and haven't dealt with things like psychological issues, past dating traumas, inability to communicate/be honest, abuse, cultural/religious issues, your sexuality, or are in denial of what you want and is most important to you, then you're going to waste a lot of time with a lot of people. It's on the rarer side that people will admit to themselves that they might be the problem---there is usually a straw that breaks where someone be it friend, family, or ex calls them out on it and they are actually jolted into the reality of what they are doing.

SirJohn42 · Answer

Well I think of it this wayvtakes two to tango. Insecurities and baggage are combined in the relationship. If one has to much it can definitely ruin a relationship. If one is overly depressed it can also destroy the relationship.
If there is no happiness in the relationship its doomed from the start. Sometimes its just best to clean yourself from the negativety.

The only way to find happiness in a relationship is find the one who can complete you. Understands what you ate going through and knows how to get put of the funks in life. But dont abuse their kindness. The thing is if you can't love yourself then how are you going to love others.

Lilbrown · Answer

All failed relationships has on common denominator i. e. "me, myself and I!" Many refuse to accept they are the obstacle to a health and sustainable relationship. They blame, shame and accuse others for thier choices. It should only take 2 failed relationships to question yourself. Did I chose right? Why do I like whores or dawgs?

CallmeTheKnight · Answer

Every relationship should come with a lesson about yourself. It honestly shouldn't have to take many to realize it. Heck, if you keep having problem with people you come in contact with, there's a big indicator right there.

Shihab91 · Answer

two things can help knowing if you are the problem,
1. the number of failed relationships ( when you have 3 or more failed relationships then move to point 2 to confirm if it's u)
2. the reasons why they failed ( did all of them ended because of the same reason? was it always them who wanted to break up with u? e. g if the reason was always trust issues from your side then it definitely u )

krin_m · Answer

hmm.. That is a tough one.
My failed relationships (and there were a few) fortunately have been in the distant past and after the initial pain and anger was over, i took an honest stick of my shortcomings and reached to my ex's. Not with the intention of getting back together but acknowledging my issues. I'm glad to stay that I have stayed good friends with all of them except one (that one is a different story of course)!

BLMUSER · Answer

Maybe back in the day, one could say oneself is the issue. But in today's world, it seems like toxicity and immaturity are everywhere. It's kind of what's out there. So if one keeps meeting people who are toxic it isn't him/her. It's the other person.

It seems to me it would be the same thing if someone lived in Japan and the person complained that all he/she meets are Japanese people. It's not that person subconsciously attracts Japanese people - it's just what's out there.

nella965 · Answer

It depends on what he says about those relationships

from my experience, guys who like calling all their exes “crazy” tend to be the problem. Guys who always blame their exes are usually in denial that they were part of the problem too

The_Maphio · Answer

Depending on how highly they think of themselves, they might even never learn the lesson.
It all depends on personality, lack thereof and education/culture of appartenence.

In these days and age I can see a certain side of the political spectrum ending up alone forever because of this very notion.

TheSpaceGnome · Answer

Most people tend to have very few partners over their lifetime so that would be a poor metric.

There is also that one person's toxic can often be another's compassionate, do to preference differences, so its a very grey area.

You could be the worst SO ever for one person, but perfect for another.

JosyJosy · Answer

When we have to ask this question, you know it's Too many

Inexpensivefurniture · Answer

I think after every relationship ends each person should take some time to self-reflect and ask themselves how they contributed to the relationship ending

Kayla45 · Answer

Say for example you are getting consistently dumped by multiple partners. I think at that point would be a good time to look into yourself and see what's the problem.

Massageman · Answer

Some may never learn from their "mistakes", while for faster learners it may only take one or two. Many people, however, tend to repeat their mistakes, because they aren't aware that : A. THEIR attitudes and actions could be the problem B. They have the ability to FIX their problem C. Left alone, things SELDOM get better

Couples can benefit from the objective point-of-view of a therapist/counselor.

Avicenna · Answer

Nsny Never realize it, and with there being so many variables in a relationship, it’s rarely just one thing anyway.

Wiredone · Answer

That's a really good question. I would think after 3 failed relationships they would start to rethink their strategy and look at themselves and their additude.

exitseven · Answer

Looking back I can see that I was tough to live with. I never let anyone in. I was not ready to trust anyone. I was angry and sullen. It wasn't until that changed that I could have a sustainable relationship.

KatherineJ · Answer

But that would require looking in the mirror. It’s easier to put the blame on someone else, rather than self reflection.

red324 · Answer

Beats me. My biggest complaint about dating is the other person seems to just up and leave vs not communicating something i could be doing wrong that could probably be fixed easily.

loveslongnails · Answer

There is no set number because most people who continually fail at relationships either give up at a point where they've lost count, or keep going because "it's just not my fault... this time".

WhiteWolf69 · Answer

Failed relationships aren't just one person's fault. A relationship only works if both people are working to make the relationship to work. I dont believe 1 person is at fault for a relationship failing. It takes 2 to make or break a relationship.

Leavesbound · Answer

I've had five failed relationships none leading to marriage and at this point I am assuming I have a neurological condition known as DPD (Defective Personality Disorder). Or I might be autistic.

Adam1978 · Answer

Not a single one, the lack of ability of even getting into a relationship should be a sign on itself. The longer relationships you have the less you will need to blame yourself. Assuming the goal is to have a long lasting relationship.

jshm2 · Answer

Depends on the person, I suppose.  Once is a mistake, second is a fuckup, third is a pattern... and so on. Some people take longer than others to get to the gist of the matter.

fred_durst · Answer

one  i believe this quote is 110% is right

Drumlin2001 · Answer

Not sure any failed relationship is ever one person's fault alone, both parties should do some self reflection on their role. Certainly if you continue a destructive behaviour from one relationship to the next you ought to realise where the issue lay

Redtop101 · Answer

Great question, I’m 70 and I still ponder the answer. It depends on what you’re looking for and it depends on what your looking for. It’s about agreeing to disagree and compromise.. try that, but like me, you have only one go at life so do that take the chance. If it doesn’t work go again, it’s all about learning. Best of luck

humanearth · Answer

I just had to find someone that had more issures then me

RickVienna · Answer

I had many short relationships and often it was the same reason. I have a small penis ( 2,8 Inches). This fact often ended the relationships because the desire to be filled out grew bigger and bigger by many women and so they quited the relationship. I wasn't lucky yet to find a woman who can handle this...

hellacray · Answer

Lol I use to blame myself a lot.

But then I realized I'm not the problem. If women can't see me as a catch well that's her loss.

I'm not going to lie or fake being someone I'm not just to get a girl to like me.

Likes2drive · Answer

Some people never realize it , my ex wife is on her 3rd marriage, I was only married once

zed-789 · Answer

I think it’s more of when u get to the point where u start asking urself “why can’t I find someone good?” then u might need to look at urself.

DWornock · Answer

It depends on the person. A few people, after a few failed relationships, will think about it, and realize that maybe they need to change. Most people are incapable of ever admitting they are problem no matter how many failed relationships.

Mangospacho · Answer

One long term. Maybe 3-4 short term relationships. If the breakup is because of me and not them then I would need to determine if it is simply a compatibility issue or a personal issue that I need to work on.

SwitchGirl · Answer

One, I already felt like being the issue before getting into my first

Waldoe · Answer

I was on #8... or was it #9... hmmm wait what was the question?

2021biguy · Answer

Failed relationships might not be you in this world we live in.

robocop666 · Answer

if a woman has boyfriends who treat her like shit, and keeps getting them. Then she is attracted to men who treat women like shit

WesBrewer · Answer

as long as you aren't prideful and self-centered, 2, maybe even 1

loves2learn · Answer

Depends on the person and the individual relationships and situations.

Kas19 · Answer

No set number. Every person is different and it's up to them to reflect on their own behavior.

dogcat · Answer

3 I think.. I ruined 3 relationship and now I realize that something is wrong with me

DeltaCharlieEcho · Answer

Two things can be true.
In the case of men, most women became so unreasonable that it would be ridiculous to ascribe blame to us. At the same time, there are guys like me with an obvious type issue where we seemingly go after women with problems. This doesn’t change the fact that women are unreasonable but there is something off with our radar for lack of a better term.

johnsmithjs · Answer

From 1 to infinity. That is way to broad of a question to ask.

How Many Failed Relationships Does One Have To Have Before They Realize "They" Might Be The Issue?

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