My girlfriend asked if I wanted an open relationship. I don’t understand why, has she got feelings for this other guy?

Question

Long story short:

I’ve come to visit my girlfriend. She told me just before I came that she had met someone.

Ever since I’ve been here, she and him haven’t spoken.

A few days ago she apparently talked to some other guy (a friend) who told her that maybe the solution would be to have a open relationship. Something I’m against. Anyway, she told me she thinks we should.

I don’t understand why, has she got feelings for this other guy?

Xoxocutekitty · Accepted Answer

It is possible to not yet have feelings for another, but still lack enough feelings to fully commit to one person. I wouldn't think too much into the friend, moreover, it's often the potential of someone else thats more appealing.

While it's normal to feel personally insulted, I would figure out what the other person is actually hoping 'to accomplish' in am open relationship. If you have very parallel lives, it's not that hard to wonder where a desire for someone who 'shares Hobbies and experiences but perhaps not lifestyle and financial goals' could make their life seem more whole.

If one work nights, it's not realistic to expect them to give up their job, so in cases like this, sometimes one partner wants to find a dinner companion so the other partner doesn't have to wake up at the Crack of dawn to each breakfast with them.

If the answer is 'I haven't explored enough or I don't know what I'm looking for' it's safe to assume, it's a them issue. It typically means, what I'm looking for I don't want to find here

It's pretty rare, but she could also be authentically poly, in which case you'll probably not be satisfied.

Brainsbeforebeauty · Accepted Answer

"Ever since I’ve been here, she and him haven’t spoken." That alone should tell you something. If it was just an innocent friendship, why not? Add that with the fact that now she wants an "open relationship" sounds like a way to justify that she's probably already involved with someone else. I get you may have feelings for her, but this doesn't sound like someone that's going to be committed or faithful to you... As much as it might hurt to walk away, it will hurt more to stay with someone who doesn't love you the way you deserve to be loved..

ZackBan · Accepted Answer

When you say I've come to visit are you suggesting you're in a long distance relationship? Because if you are then she's not waiting for your permission to cheat she's waiting for your permission to tell you about it.

Now some people can live with that and I have no idea how: if you don't mind the thought of your girl bouncing up and down naked on another guy's meat wagon then maybe you should go for it.
But if you're a normal human being who rightfully gets jealous of that stuff you gotta breakup with her. If it wasn't long distance I'd say maybe try denying her the open relationship and work to be a better boyfriend but if it is there is nothing to do she's already gone.

Miristheiss · Accepted Answer

Run.
Run.
Run.

She is blatantly telling you a long term, faithful, monogamous relationship is impossible with her. Even if you say no and she agrees to keep it closed... you know she'll cheat on you at some point.

She also has shown you plainly of her bad boundaries... that she'll keep things going with other men on the side... her "friends"... he is just a "friend".

Turn off your heart for a moment and use your head. This woman is clearly showing you she cannot be a good girlfriend. Pain and heartache are your future if you cannot be strong enough to just move on from this girl.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

Her feelings for you are not strong enough to make her want to commit to being exclusive, which is what you want. That is all you need to know. Your future with her will end either when you leave her or when she leaves you; that is your choice.

Xiu92 · Answer

Some people are polygamous and some just aren’t and are not comfortable with the idea! I think if you aren’t happy with being in a poly relationship, you’ve explained this to her and she’s still trying to pursue then i think the relationship may not be for you.

Things like an open relationship are okay if both people are okay with it and thats their choice (mutually). However, if you choose to be monogamous and you’re solid in how you feel that’s totally fine too.

I say do some hardcore thinking before making any decisions. Ultimately you’re going to do what you think is best regardless what anyone says, so take time, trust your feelings and yourself.

MrOracle · Answer

A lot of women today are simply always looking for something better. They never fully commit to anyone, because something better might come along. She doesn't want an open relationship - I guarantee you that she doesn't want you fucking other girls - she just wants to have everything she wants right now with no consequences, and she thinks this is an easy way to get it.

in my opinion, you need to end this right now, before things get worse - and they will get worse. She's revealed who she is, and it isn't what you are looking for, so accept that this has let you "dodge a bullet" and move on with confidence that you can do better.

Dazed0N0Confused · Answer

If she's asking for an open relationship & your against it, & you've made it clear that you're against it, it is probably best to end the relationship. It sounds like she has lost some feelings for you & has gained some for this "friend". If she isn't committed to being exclusive to you, as per your wants, then it isn't going to work out for your relationship. Just end it now, save some additional heartache, & move on.

Best of luck to you!

CallmeTheKnight · Answer

You're at a crossroad. Your decisions are limited. You're against it so with her being around this other guy will really bother you. You can put your foot down and say no, but this may end your relationship. You can just dump her and save yourself trouble in the long run.

Just remember, whoever this man is wanted her as well, which is why he suggested this idea to her. She's going along with it, which makes her no good for you at all. She's better off with someone else and you deserve better than that. If she was able to confide in another man about her situation rather than speak up to you, she's not worthy of love at all, especially if she's taking suggestions.

Having an open relationship just ruins the exclusivity and the benefits of growing with someone and making them your better half.

The same applies for women who are dating men who want open relationships.

Qdbrown · Answer

Understand intent. If a woman ask for an open relationship, yours is no longer functioning. Women do not have recreational sex. They might play around in their late teens and early 20's to learn and see what she can get, but women do not have sex for the same reason.

Bottomline, she is messing around with this guy seeing what will happen and she turned you into the expendable boyfriend to he there until she is sure. Don't be that guy. She has left you in her mind. She just has to make sure your backup plan is worth it.

Starrisunset · Answer

It sounds like you don't get to see her all that often which is why I'm guessing she wants an open relationship. She likes you but for some people not being able to spend time with their partner on a regular basis is really difficult. Long distance relationships aren't for everyone. It's completely understandable you wouldn't want to share her... i wouldn't be able to share. If it's something you aren't comfortable with you shouldn't settle. Don't feel pressured into agreeing to do an open relationship if it isn't something you want to do. Just know, if this long distance relationship is too much for her she might break things off even if she likes you. But it isn't fair for either of you to settle for a relationship that isn't working for both of you.

Interstate · Answer

It is obvious she does. She wants the best of best worlds, and basically she would be using you if you went along with it. Personally... I would call it quits. She crosses paths with a guy, and in the blink of an eye she is mentioning an open relationship. I would tell her you are having second thoughts about your relationship with her,

Did she know in advance you are against opened relationships? If you are against them, you reserve the right to say no. If she makes a fuss about it, tell her you are walking and aren't looking back.

rjroy3 · Answer

Look at it this way.

You no longer have her heart, if you ever did. If you don't have her heart you have already lost the girl. The relationship as you knew it is over.

You can either accept that and make a strong decision for what YOU really want and follow through on it. Or you can settle for what life is giving you.

As a guy who used to date monogamously I can tell you right now. If she hasn't already, if you try to lock this girl down she will cheat on you. But if you leave her or agree to an open relationship and actively pursue other girls then she won't cheat on you.

Because in an open relationship it's not cheating. It's just spending time with other people in a way you two agreed. But this girl will not be happy continuing as you are now and you can try to force that till you get devastated or rally yourself and pull the bandaid.

J2ohhhhh · Answer

This is 2021, don't be that possessive. When you have a girlfriend, and you know that at the end of the week you can have sex in most scenarios, women sense that you are not desperate and it's attractive, it's a fucking snowball effect. It's like having good customer reviews. You have a girlfriend so at least one other female thinks that you're worthy of sex. You get the first side chick you get two girls with a positive review on your page. And the next thing you realise that you have a fucking harem. She wants freedom, cus you're possessive, and cus media and peer pressure tells her

OutWestBandit · Answer

Ordinarily I would say: She can't decide - wants to be able to see whomever she wants with no consequences. Not a big deal if you can see whoever you want too. How does she react to that?

However: you are sounding like you have some long distance love going on. That's not gonna work for everybody. Some people NEED someone there. You asking them to wait at home quietly for you to call - this is stupid. That level of commitment is made by someone willing to be your long-term partner. Not someone that you are still dating/getting to know more/courting.

natured · Answer

This is so wrong on so many levels, and this is so close to become toxic especially for you.
Trust me, I think it's better to leave her and find somebody that appreciates and respects the relationship in every way.
I'm an open minded Woman, on different aspects of life, but open relationships.. NO, they end up in a disaster trust me...
So, since you're in time, you should leave, you deserve so much better.
Wish you the best

Anonymous · Answer

When a girlfriend asks you for permission to have an open relationship, she is not asking for permission, she is just letting you know what she is planning to do, or what she's already done. What you need to realize is that all girlfriend are a myth, and she's simply led by whatever, or whoever provides her with what ever it is she needs at a particular time. Break up, or you will become broken. The choice is yours.

Many boyfriend are already in open relationships... they just don't know it yet.

jamiematt · Answer

I feel your pain brother. I would advise you to leave, because if she cares for his feelings more, it will hurt and damage you. I was in exact same situation. To woo her more so she doesn't get closer to him, you'll invest your heart out. But if she likes him more, she will keep rubbing it in your face, no matter if you catch her falling down. If she likes him more, you'll lose faith in romantic love. Dont brother, you deserve a type of love, affection that is meant by a woman only and only for you. Much strength to you brother.

pleasestopthis · Answer

We can't know for sure she has feelings, but she's definitely interested in this other guy and wants to pursue something with him. Seems like she wants to have her cake and eat it too.
I think it's better for you to move on from this woman. Good luck

Wildflower8 · Answer

She could be insecure that maybe if you dont leave close to each other that you probably have someone else where you live and if the relationship is open you would come clean and that she will either breakup with you or lets say she actually wants an open relationship then she will probably have someone in her life. For some reason i think the issue is deeper than u think, ask if she's insecure about anything

hellionthesagereborn · Answer

If she is asking for an open relationship, she has already broken up with you she just doesn't want to risk the loss of a secure relationship for an uncertain one. Dump her, she is already gone (and already showed you where her loyalties lie i. e. not with you).

TheorionMage · Answer

Like SOME men, she wants to have both her freedom AND her own male 'harem'...
once dated such a girl in high school who managed to 'go steady' with 3 three guys
by careful time management. "Friends with Benefits" was not that common in the mid-60's.
Eventually, they learned of one another and arranged to gang bang her
like a unwilling Boston Creme eclair... then ALL broke off relations with her~
Amazingly she wasn't impregnated.

ChrisMaster69 · Answer

How often were you visiting your girlfriend?
if it’s long distance and stuff, then unfortunately people, do develop feelings for those they interact with daily.

if you are not happy with sharing, then you need to end it.

with sharing, remember you run the increased risk of STD’s

the ball is in your court, share or not share.

a lot depends on how often you see her, and how much you can handle it just being really a sexual relationship.

Anonymous · Answer

If a girlfriend asked if I wanted an open relationship because she wanted to have time with another guy then we'd be done, relationship finished, because open relationships never end well, usually for the original boyfriend especially if they are living together, If you are covering all the bills and its your flat tell her to gather her things and leave if she wants an open relationship.
If you are sharing a flat find yourself another place and leave, she is only wanting you there as a safety net.
Or you could respond with a flat 'No' and see how she responds, it could be a one of those 'shit tests' that women love so much.
Have a look at this channel on Youtube he has cautionary tales of how wrong open relationship can go. https://www.youtube.com/c/StrongSuccessfulMale

My girlfriend asked if I wanted an open relationship. I don’t understand why, has she got feelings for this other guy?

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