Tips to talk to boyfriend without him getting defensive and angry?

[Ribbon]

I am sure all guys HATE it when the girlfriend says "can we talk" or "something is bothering me". All I ever hear is how guys hate mind games and I vowed I would not be that girl. I don't want to explode cause I kept something inside too long and then its a BIG issue. But what if the moment you say "I need to talk about something" I see that glazed look, he turns away or says "here we go again" and it hurts more cause it is important to ME. I hate bringing up this stuff too. He gets so pissed off that I end up trying to smooth the waters and now I am even more upset. I know he loves me but I just can't find a way to bring up my feelings without him pissed. It feels selfish on his part and I need tips. What can I do to make him see I am not attacking him.

[zombiefood]

It's his problem, not yours that he can't here you out.

I ask my boyfriend to talk all the time if something is going on. He responds well. I've never tried to play him or throw some game at him and so he doesn't expect that's what it's going to be. There are times when I'm really upset (completely unrelated to him) and I say "Can we talk, I'm really upset and I need some one to talk to" and he's there for me right away.

Maybe try coming at it from a different angle. If you have a problem with something he did instead say, "Hey when you ____ it bothered me. Can we talk about it? I'm confused/upset/worried/appropriate emotion here and I'd like to just talk it over, that would really make me feel better." And if he gives you sh*t say fine and leave. Not break up just walk away. There is no reason why you two can't talk like adults when something (whether related to him or not) is bothering you.

If he gives you the glazed look 'Great this sh*t' look/tone then f*** him. He's being a d***. No guy should assume you're against them or accusing if you haven't set them up for it before. And it sounds like you haven't. He's just being a jerk. So let him be. if he doesn't want to talk about it say fine, well it's really upsetting me so until we can talk about it like adults I need to go away. And if he still refuses then clearly he's not mature enough to handle a real grown up relationship yet.

No boyfriend should give you sh*t for asking to talk, that's stupid and really makes me angry. Seriously, take a stand, he has no reason to do that.

[Ribbon]

Well my feelings got hurt and now I am sitting here wondering.. well maybe I am just over reacting, being too sensitive. And maybe I totally am. I may just ask the question on here to see if I am being ridiculous but even so, I need him to know that something is bothering me, even if he says "yes you are nuts" at least he is hearing me but I feel as thought I can't and I know it will fester but maybe in a few days I'll get over it but I shouldn't have to your right.

[zombiefood]

Talk to him. ANd if he absolutely refuses to behave like an adult then leave. You don't need to deal with his bitchy-ass attitude, you deserve better.

[toulouse]

+10 Totally agree with this. Hs attitude pisses me off too. Es because its supposed to be some kind of 'guy thing' bullsh*t.es acting like a child.

[toulouse]

you are over 30. not guy at that age has a right to say he does not want to hear a woman say we should talk. tell him to f*** a doll if he does not want to talk. if he is in a relationship he will expect to talk. I do not know any guys who do not feel the right to talk whenever they see fit, so why do you have to walk on egg shells?

If you can not talk to him, you guys are not good for each other. He is not respecting you.

How do you now he loves you. If he is undermining your attempts to make things clear for both of you, and he thinks that's reasonable, perhaps he does not understand love? Stop smoothing things over, when he has a tantrum,. make him talk to you like an adult. You are babying him & encouraging him to behave like a child. You guys are becoming a mom & a boy not a couple.

[Ribbon]

He is a lovely guy but he is from a family where they never say I love you and his only other long relationship where he really let his guard down, she dumped him and was sleeping with another guy. In her defence she was very young and so was he, 1st love and heartbreak. So I know he has trust issues and doesn't do "lets talk about are feelings" very well. I know he would rather have stitches than talk relationship stuff so I understand his 1st reaction is defensive then offensive so its hard.

[jimmy217]

i think he feels guilty about something so he gets defensive. I don't know why else he would get mad when talking to u. Ask him why he gets mad when you guys talk. And tell him you need to talk to him so you won't explode on him later without him knowing y.

[Ribbon]

My feelings got a bit hurt today and I want to tell him that he hurt them but I just know inside his head he is going "here we go again" Even if guys think girls are being stupid or whatever all we need is "i'm sorry I hurt your feelings that wasn't my intention" and we feel better instead of getting defensive and I have tried all kinds of approaches but so far nothing has worked. Just frustrated :( Thanks for the advice

[toulouse]

No. No 'we'. Not at all. Not interested in an apology. I want to know what the problem is so we can fix it or break up,. if a guy is insult ing you,he either A) does not respect you & there for should not be with you, B) He is mad at you and not telling you why- playing games. disrespectful. C). he is upset about something else & taking it out on you, also unacceptable.

thing I want. You can not force someone to respect yo. If they dont- leave. Apologies just say I can do w/e then say sorry.

[toulouse]

& I do not feel better if someone did not mean to hurt me. All that means is they meant what they said but they feel its unfortunate I am too weak to take it. Its inconvenient to them if they get someone upset. I want to know what someone means genuinely means. If the truth hurts depending on what it is, id fix it or recognize we are not good together. But thinking one thing and saying another then letting the truth slip is just controlling & condescending. that's not love.