A Christian man/woman relationship. Who is in the wrong here? Advice badly needed from both genders, especially females. Is this normal?

[ChristianM85]

Hi everyone, I'm new here, but I need some advice. I'd really appreciate advice from fellow Christians on this. As well, as non-Christians, too. Please be respectful to my faith, is all I ask.
I'm a 35 year old Christian male, I met this woman (31) through a Christian app called Upward, which is a very nice Christian app. We instantly hit it off, and went to snapchat, talked/video chatted every morning and night for around 4-6 hours or more for about four months straight. She was staying with her sister in TN. She's originally from Florida. I live in KY. Fast-forward to June, she left to go see her other sister, and then back down to Florida to empty storage units she had. I don't feel she has ever been a super loving, sweet woman, but when she got back to Florida her personality went from a 6-7 on harsh, to what I feel is like a 8 or 9. As June progressed, I started becoming very stressed about her. My bloodpressure started having bad spikes. She would say she's crying, and having bad dreams about her ex. When she was in TN, she'd always ask me to not leave, and leave the webcam on while she slept. I obliged, and done this A LOT, would just pray or read the Bible for an hour until I was sure she was sound asleep.(Just to be clear, we did no sexual activity together. I'm a virgin, and staying that way until marriage.) Everything I basically said to her as she's in Florida started to be wrong, not right, and this is the conversation, which was the last straw. I could no longer take it, and that night I blocked her, except from my phone. She wasn't able to sleep early morning of this day, and I was working out. I stopped my workout, and helped her talk about her ex for around an hour or two, for she could fall back to sleep. This was that afternoon, when I was exhausted, and wanted to take my shower and then sleep. This is just one conversation. This is the first woman I've ever dated. Is this normal?

Part 2

Part 1

This is normal

This is not normal

[btbc92]

It's not normal at all. She is a woman with a lot of deep trauma as I do myself. I never dated, and I am glad I never bother given as this woman reminds me so much of what I would have been like now if I did. Because of my past and continuous abuse by others and trauma. The problem is you are dating a stranger and you learning about her. This is her life. This is her trauma, and she has to be able to get healed. She needs therapy and counseling and sadly she is not over her ex. Her heart belonged to her ex and still does. She wants her ex back but she cannot have him now, either because the trauma is that great and or he is involved with other women and that is painful enough.

Number 2, what your doing is wrong. You never post this kind of stuff, and dirty laundry for everybody to see. That is disrespectful and dishonorable. That means and shows her every time you have a problem you're going to expose to everyone what another has done to you. While her behavior was not excusable depending, she should have told you she wasn't and isn't over her ex. You are just a rebound as probably other guys also. And who wants to hear about the ex? Most people do not. What I can respect and commend you on was trying to be patient and caring enough to do this much. Most people would not try to have that much empathy. But again, remember, that is what trauma looks like. I believe you when you say you are a man of God and indeed you are for you to uphold those morals and even PRAY and read the word for an HOUR. That is a blessing any woman of God would want for man! And you're hearing it from me!

At the same time, now that I am reading all of that, she doesn't sound stable for any relationship or stable-minded period. She sounds like she is in need of a psychotherapist I kid you not. She sounds very scary, and I don't even treat men like that unless they give me a reason to. If an earthly marriage is not what she wants then WHY is she on a dating site let alone dating, to begin with? That is not fair on you who is a Godly man seeking another Godly woman who shares your values as a believer in Christ who wants a sexual relationship with a woman and to explore that with your WIFE. You want to love and to have a compassionate relationship. But right now, I don't think that you're going to find that in this woman right now. Especially not her. I believe that she is too focused on making sex to be sinful. FUNNY how I am attracting crazies who are accusing me of what sadly this person is doing. I for one would trust your words better as reading everything you're saying and doing through the evidence you are truly who you say you are.

However, this person is not for you and you shouldn't pry into her personal affairs which aren't healthy for you either. She never had closure and is caught between wanting the ex and being with you or somebody who will accept her. More and likely she had sex with that person and now she expects everything to be how she wants and you at her mercy because of it. It is not healthy. It is toxic. For your sake, all you can do is really pray for her. Nobody is wrong or right here. But you two are not compatible. You need a woman who is ready and can be on that level. Just how you handling this right now is not good. I understand you seek to be free of blame. But blaming her for how she is feeling is not healthy either. We who have experience trauma do not always behave or respond as those with less to no trauma do. You must understand this is something bigger than yourself, and only God can truly help her. A relationship should not be her focus. And you need to be off of dating sites. Stop leaning onto your own understanding and get into prayer and fasting and seek answers directly from the Lord so you can be in a place where to attract the right woman who equally desires the same. Because dating sites are dating sites. You will find all and many in those places.

[ChristianM85]

Dear Btbc92,

Thank you Btbc92, I greatly appreciate your feedback! There is a lot to this. I do believe she has trauma, and I've been trying to be the best Christian man I can be for her. It's just extremely stressed me. She did indeed want her ex back, matter of fact she's still stalking him, and his new girl friend. This ex is from four years ago. He's actually deleted his fb/ig/etc to hide from her. She went from Florida to Seattle to visit him. She's let me know sometimes she'll stalk an ex or love an ex for 3 to 7 years.

I'll try to summarize some here. I've been broken to pieces since I blocked her. All I really wanted was just a sorry, and she said she'd be back in TN around the first week of July. It's now obviously September, and I recently went to talk to her, which I felt was wrong, because I don't believe it should have been me coming to her.

I tried to talk out as much as possible with her, to help her heal and move on. She told me she normally loves two men at once, one from her past and one currently. I know this isn't right, but I just felt if I could help her. I even said I'd try to accept that, for she could heal. Somehow things will get better I better. I have prayed, prayed, and prayed. I have asked for so many prayers, too. Towards the end, right before I blocked her, I was fasting, and literally breaking down at night crying out to God to please help her. She then started saying I was too empathic.

I'm sorry you're attracting those types of people. I'll pray a prayer for you in moment here. I'm about to sleep. I sleep at odd times. She did do sexual things with him. She, has some history in that area with people. Which I never thought I could accept, but I felt this grace in my heart, and I have been able to overlook it, but it really does hurt inside. Especially when talking it out with her.

[ChristianM85]

It's not to be free of blame. This is the first woman I have ever dated. The first one that really gave me a chance. I just have been getting over OCD, which caused some like agoraphobia. After meeting her, I have got over most of it now. It's just it was my first date, the first female I've actually been out with. There is a recent development in this. (I'd love to share somehow with you? And ask opinions.) Basically I am broken now, I'm really depressed. I don't feel God would want me to abandon her. I keep praying about it. We are obviously not boyfriend/girl friend now. She told me she loved me every night basically, and how she loved me more than I loved her. She made so many promises to me. I don't understand either why she's on dating sites. She told me she couldn't delete them. I do believe she's done this to other men.

I felt that I am to be her friend, but right now. It's like I'm fighting to be there for someone who doesn't care. I'm a very loyal person to friends, etc. And so I don't know what to do, I don't know how to make my heart move on. It bothers me to know she's hurting, and I feel like she's all alone. She said she'd never go to therapy. I just don't know what to do. I really seriously don't. She has a very special place in my heart. I feel like I'm abandoning someone in need. I don't blame her for how she is feeling. I just don't understand why she has to attack me and call me not a Christian; my faith is what I hold closest to my heart, and so it really hurt.

Thank you so much for your words, encouragement and taking the time to help me!

Sincerely,
ChristianM85

[btbc92]

I am glad for you kind words, and I appreciate and thank you equally for your prayers. However, I must warn you and I believe God would agree with what is about to be said. DO NOT be friend this women any further. You tried that. All youc an do is pray for her. But you cannot be her friend. A friend doesn't do this. Number 1, number 2, she personally does NOT sound mentally stable and if you get involved with her I fear it may turn abusive or even dangerous for your life. Where she may try to kill you kind of situation. And that is not something want to deal with. You barely met this woman, she already sounds like she is badly beyond basic help. And at most she may need to be in a place to be monitored for a while and get serious help. Which is why I said she needs a psychotherapist. Now that more is being said to her, I personally and highly believe that you must not be in contact. Leave this in God's hands, and cut off all contact with that woman. She doesn't just unhealthy, she sounds like she is a danger to you and everybody else. I don't just say any of this lightly. You cannot help her heal. That is something only God and Jesus can do. You can save her man. Only God and Jesus can, and she has to want to be truly delivered and be saved. Sounds like she picked up demons from the guy from her sexual encounter but also may be triggered by something because this sounds too close to mental illness and she needs serious HELP. PLEASE. for your sake and safety HEED to wisdom. Pray on what I had said, find somebody who can hear if you cannot, and listen to the advice that is given. And most importantly, seek a professional who is well versed in this and contact them immediately so they can best help you professionally and legally on what you can do. Once again, do not try to play martyr nearly losing your life and sanity over a woman! A woman is not worth going to hell for.

[btbc92]

If not a Christian, you are a MAN OF GOD. A man of God is not always a Christain and a Christian is not always a child of him. Not every Christian, despite what they say in the church building is not always a child of the father. His creation, yes. But a child? That is a personal relationship. And if she really is a Christian she would see how much you are trying and she beyond attacking you. She sounds possessed with something. Sounds more demonic than her just doing what she wanted to do. Some people are not acting the same anymore. Both believers and nonbelievers alike.

[btbc92]

you can't save her* Only God and Jesus can

[ChristianM85]

Dear Btb92,

You're very much welcome. Thank you so very much for your advice, encouragement, words, and uplifting messages. I needed to hear this from you. I am not quite sure why, but I needed to hear it from you! I know that for sure in my heart and soul. I just wish, it wasn't before my birthday.

I don't know how to pick an answer as the best on here. I am thankful for everyone's advice and answers, but I definitely pick yours as the best!

It appears I cannot send a thank you message in a message to you either, because I am not some level. So...

Thank you for being on this site, and I would like for you to know. That please know today your answers and responses made a direct difference on someone's heart and soul. Not only did you take the time to read my questions, but you gave me thorough advice with compassion, love and patience. Let it be known, you made a difference today in someone's life. I can't explain why, but I really did need to hear this from you.

Thank you again, and may your soul be blessed tenfold for your kindness. If you ever need anyone, feel free to message anytime.

Sincerely,
ChristianM85

Numbers 6:24-26 24. The LORD bless thee, and keep thee: 25. The LORD make his face shine upon thee, and be gracious unto thee: 26. The LORD lift up his countenance upon thee, and give thee peace.

[btbc92]

Aw. Thank you, i want to cry for that heartfelt message. But do not think me, give glory and things onto a father up in heaven. And to his son Jesus. Because through his angels and His Holy Spirit I probably would not been able to really answer that question and I'm already going through a lot. I believe that the Lord has made it upon your heart as a direct message to me. The Lord has been dealing with me for over a year and I know for certain he is definitely using you to speak that. So I again it give that all to the Lord. I pray for the same for you and may you find a wife that truly satisfy you as well as the Lord and is a prime example for the body of Christ. Have a blessed day and a happy birthday!

[BlacklightShade]

She sounds immature. And it seems like a toxic mess you should avoid.

[ChristianM85]

Thank you for your input. I definitely don't want any toxicity in my life.

[Question_091]

She may have some unresolved trauma from a past relationship. She may need to see a counselor or a therapist to get it worked out.

Some chats can cause people hide as normal people, but could be hiding trauma and other psychological issues. If some people don't know what they want, or understand how to compromise and communicate with others, they shouldn't be looking for relationships.


Finally, I've been through that before, but people... Stop using your partner as a crutch or a rehab specialist. Get actual help before getting into a relationship.

Thank you 🙏

[ChristianM85]

Thank you for your input. I don't understand why she is on the sites. She went back on them again basically since I removed her. She's attractive in my eyes, and started putting up bikini pictures I guess to replace me. Sadly I've been just sitting here for months staying loyal. Thank you again for your input. I hope you have a great day!

[Question_091]

No problem, still learning myself to be content in whatever state I'm in. God knows where you are, and will provide the right girl for you at his timing. Stay true and sober ☕

[noohair]

I think all social media is abnormal. There is no substitute for physical face to face contact.

[Iron_Man]

That’s very long-winded I’m not taking any sides work it
out with a Christian counselor

[Avicenna]

You need to move on from her

[FictionalCharacter]

Too blurry for me to read the posted images 🔍

[ChristianM85]

Sorry, I don't know why it is blurry. Thank you for pointing this out. I'll try to find a image hosting site. I think this clears it up if you click the site links. I do apologize. Tried to post the direct links to the images on here, but it says I can't, because I'm not high enough level. I'll try to find a way to post clearer pictures.

[In_Trance]

not normal, but it is common