If possible, give the person the opportunity to show his/her true colors. Though I never held out hope for reconnecting with the first woman I truly wanted to marry, I held onto an idealized image of her. I saw her as a kind, caring, compassionate person, and it took a hard confrontation with reality for me to see her as she actually is.
I wrote her a long letter, after 40 years, sharing how my time with her impacted my life and the accomplishments I've had, triggered by the deeper thinking and broader perspective she opened my eyes to. In it, I wished her happiness and fulfillment with her husband, family and career, saying they were all lucky to have her in their life. I acknowledged that she probably wouldn't have valued the life I have chosen, as she was a city girl, and I chose to live on a farm.
Based on how I described our relationship and breakup, my friends had always told me she only thought about herself, but I couldn't allow myself to see that. The response to my letter was short and to the point. She said the letter made her uncomfortable, that she didn't want a response to what she wrote, and I was to never reach out to her again. It would have been so easy to say "thank you for your kind words. I am very happy. I hope you find the happiness I've found and you deserve." Apparently, my friends (who had never met her) knew her better than I did. I finally realized I had fallen in love with love, and I just projected my ideal onto her, seeing what I wanted to see. It tends to be easier to move on when we deal with reality rather than fantasy. I know it's painful, but you're still young and have many wonderful opportunities ahead of you. I hope you find what you seek, allowing you to turn your past into a learning experience rather than an idealized picture that no one can ever measure up to.
Being self aware is a good first step. After that I say watch your biases, and apply that self awareness when it fits.
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Take an aspirin
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