How can I move on from this affair?

[Anonymous]

So I’ve been involved in an affair with a married man on and off for the past 5 years. Initially, we were together from 2016-2018, and I didn’t see him for 2 years after we broke up.

back in June 2020, I went to the dealership that he runs to buy a car after my last one was totaled. Almost immediately after seeing each other for the first time, the chemistry was there but I wanted to be just friends. Well, due to pandemic, I ended up having to find a new job, so I decided to work at his dealership thinking all we would be is friends and that the feelings were gone. But very quickly, I fell for him again and we resumed our affair in November 2020.

so here’s the problem… I’ve always had feelings for him. When I met him, it was the closest thing I’ve felt to “love at first sight”. But I knew I couldn’t have him so I hid my feelings for over a year until he gave in and then so did I. But I always kept my feelings for him realistic and manageable. I knew I was just his side girl and that we would never be together. I only saw him from time to time and I kept busy In between and I still dated other guys. I didn’t want to fall in love with him. Also, I would hate for him to ever leave his wife or family for me, that wasn’t/isn't what I want and I’d feel awful. So despite my feelings, I never let it get to me. I was realistic about it.

But when I started working for him, everything changed. I started seeing and speaking to him more, and spending more time with him. I started feeling attached to him and even getting jealous of wife and his life at home. Something I could never be apart of. Now I’m beating myself up for agreeing to work here a year ago. Because I knew it was a bad idea and the exact thing I didn’t want to happen, has happened. I know I need to move on from this, but I feel like I never will if I continue to work here. But I also feel financially stuck here in some ways as well. What do you think I should do?

[Anonymous]

You’re not stuck there, honey, it’s just something you’ve stapled into your mind as an excuse to stick around with him. It was fine as a quick job after what happened with your last one, but now it’s time to shop around for something else in earnest. I can’t envision you having any real progress with moving on if you work with him, seeing him so often every day, etc. Until you find something else, I’d advise you to have a bit of restraint with your feelings if you act on them at all. I don't know if you two are still hooking up (apologies if you covered this and I missed it), but if you are, then cut it off, immediately. Intimacy doesn’t help your cause. Neither does flirting or anything romantic, so if you’re doing that at all at work, stop that too. Keep your relationship strictly professional and instead of telling yourself you are stuck there, give yourself a deadline to be out of there and stick to it. It’s early December, you could have a new job by the end of the month. Maybe it won’t be something you love but it’s not permanent, just a means of putting some space between you and your boss. I’m sure you didn’t work where you do now bc you love automobiles anyway. So the moral of this is, get out as quickly as you can and in the meantime, try to help yourself move on by staying away the best you can.

[Asker]

Yeah in my mind I know I need to leave. The reason I say “financially stuck” is because I make a decent amount of money here. Before I worked here, I was living with in a toxic environment and I was depressed. I knew this job could get me a place of my own. I’ve tried to quit this job multiple times because it felt like too much. But I always stay because I wanted to move out so badly. So, I JUST moved into my first apartment by myself and I got a new car a few months ago also. Sales have been slow lately so I’m actually hurting for money at the moment.. And I don’t love selling cars but I do enjoy for the most part. I’ve been doing it on and off for years and that’s actually how I met him. The very first dealership I worked at, he was the boss there. But our affair started after him and I both left and I refused to ever work for him again after we had sex simply because I thought it would be too much for me to handle. I don't know what I was thinking this time around.

Anyway, I feel financially stuck at the moment. But I DO believe I’ll be financially more stable soon, probably within the next 60 days.

[Opinion Owner]

I definitely get it, especially if you’ve financially set yourself up in a place to need this job. I think a big motivator here will be that now that you’ve gotten your own place, car, etc, you won’t let yourself backtrack. I say this because no matter what your job is, you will make it enough to stay where you’re at. Of course this isn’t necessarily me saying to get some shitty job, but just encouraging you to know that you aren’t stuck and no matter where you go, it will work out. Hopefully it can be a job in another dealership or something else you can enjoy. My hope is that when it comes to the money you currently make, it isn’t just a perk of the relationship you have with your boss. So let’s say he isn’t paying you more on purpose and you can make the same someplace else, then the job search will be realistic and with the right expectations.

[Opinion Owner]

I’m wishing you luck with these next 60 days, your job search and all of it in general. I know how hard it is to break away from someone you love and I’m sure it’s made doubly hard by working together. This is a learning experience though, like you will never allow yourself to be in this position again. Not for a third time.

[Jaycee_Genocide]

You are allowing yourself to be a piece of sex meat find someone actually available sis.

[Anonymous]

Welcome to the consequences of your choices. We all have them.
Do what normal people do and figure it out.