This new guy I'm seeing constantly thinks I'm cheating? Should I break up with him?

[Anonymous]

I’ve just recently started seeing this new guy long distance and he’s really very nice. However I started to realize he’s incredibly insecure due to his past relationships where his exes have cheated on him.

The problem has come up that whenever I go out with girlfriends or by myself, he gets incredibly worried and upset and either tries to poke holes and find evidence in my texts (which I send many trying to reassure him and tell him what I’m doing) of me cheating on him and or he withdraws and shuts down getting very depressed. I constantly send him pictures of who I’m with and what I’m doing and I gave him my location.

I have never cheated on him nor have I ever cheated on any of my past partners.

I feel bad that I worry him and I genuinely try to make it so that he always knows what I’m doing and where I am… and I never want to punish someone about the fears they have from their past… and I’ve never broken up with anyone before… but it’s starting to hurt me very badly that no matter what I do to try and get him to trust me… I’m somehow still managing to hurt him 😞

I wish he could see how much I love him and wouldn’t want to be with anyone else.

Should I break up with him? If you’ve gone through this (guy or girl) how did you get them to trust you? I just don’t know what to do…

[Diodoro]

Some guys (he might be one of them) don't want their girl going out with their friends to places that are commonly used to meet members of the opposite sex. Doubt ged have these same insecurities showing if you were going to the movies, bowling, or just a classic sleep over at your girlfriends.

Not saying you should do this. But it's worth considering how badly you want to go out to some of these places with your girls to have guys hit on you and your friends.

While I'm good with my girl in that environment. Aloooot of guys even who haven't been cheated on are not. Now add the fact your man has been cheated on. Emotionally I get it.

Like why even put yourself in that situation. For me all I ask my girl is "just avoid situations that could look bad from an outsider looking in". Meaning if a stranger were to see you and whoever. Would they think you are fucking or about to fuck? If yes, get out if that. If no theb it's cool.

That's an easy way to avoid problems that you couldn't possibly think of ahead of time but you can now see if it passes the sniff test. How does it look to a stranger?

[Anonymous]

You cannot hurt someone you aren't actually causing harm to. It's important to recognize that his perceived fears of you cheating have NOTHING to do with you because as you have said, you have neither given him a reason to actually believe you are cheating, nor have you done it to him. I totally understand your need to be patient and understanding with him because of his past, but that is something only he can heal within himself by recognizing that he has a good girlfriend in you. Blaming others for what someone else did, will only drive them away---which it seems he is doing. You need to understand that you do not deserve to be unhappy because of what someone else did to him in a past relationships. You deserve to be free and happy in your relationship right now. It sounds like you've gone above and beyond to be accommodating to him, but you shouldn't even have to do any of that because a huge part of a relationship is trusting the other person, which he does not seem capable of doing as he is constantly interrogating you.

Deep breath. So what should you do? Ask yourself, if it's 6 days, 6 weeks, or 6 months down the road and this is still going on, would you be happy in that relationship? Has he shown you ANY signs that he actually trusts you at all to go out or to turn off your phone tracker without him calling you a liar as to your whereabouts? When you go out, are you more worried about what he's going to think, say , or do, then you just going out and having a good time or doing what you need to do? If you're not happy, if there is no trust, then it may be best to let him go and let him know he needs to work on his fears and past hurt before he can be in a relationship with you or anyone else. If he shows any kind of desire to change, let him outline to you what he plans to do to help facilitate that change, and if you don't see that happening, then again, exit the relationship for your own sake.

[Seinna]

Well does he care that he's hurting you? To me, who also never cheated it's hurtful and disrespectful when someone is accusing me of it despite me never giving them any reasons to. Tbh I think maybe he's just not ready to trust anyone and in that case he's not ready for a relationship. Unless you really like the guy, I'd take a break because until you stop going along with this madness and expect from him to trust you like he should, he will not. And eventually it will become really tiring, believe me. Why would he change his attitude? You're doing all the work and meanwhile, is he reporting to you on everything he does and who he does it with? There's another side to this - people who are overly jealous often times project their own ability to cheat on their partner. They know how strong a temptation that is to them and therefore feel it's the same for their partner.

[Moose304]

There are two different dynamics that MAY be at play here. Unless you have verified this person has a history of being cheated on you only have their word. People that manipulate will use any means to do so. I highly recommend you stop allowing this person to do this. The next dynamic is they were cheated on and have serious trust issues arising out of this. The only example I can use here is the childbirth one. I have heard many women say to a man you have no clue how having a baby feels. As a man, I do not. The same thing applies when you have never been cheated on especially when it was a broadside. Back in the summer, I was asked this question by a lady I work with. I told her to be careful. To understand this man has been cheated on. His now-ex left the man destroyed. Are you willing to do the heavy lifting? So my advice to you is to see if you can determine this person's history and make sure you want to engage with a betrayed person with trust issues. Trust me, this is far easier to say then do.

[MzAsh]

This is not a relationship. You’ve never met this guy. You’re pretending. And he’s trying to control and manipulate you. You owe him nothing she you should never have to justify going out with friends or enjoying your personal time. Stop encouraging this shit behavior from men who aren’t worth the memory space on your phone.

[Desconhecida]

People who are too jealous and constantly accuse us of cheating are cheaters. Trust me. If he's afraid of you fucking around is because he is.

[cookiecrusher]

Very possible

[KianaCuppycakes]

If he normalizes cheating as such a common thing we're all capable of, I would be wary of what that says about him

[EnglishEuropean]

This.

[OlderAndWiser]

Have you ever met him in person?

[Asker]

No sadly :( we FaceTime for hours every day just about but he lives in England. Covid has sent me home and I met him after

[OlderAndWiser]

You are in love with someone and you have never held their hand or kissed. That is sad.

[Asker]

I’d argue that’s an even more pure form of love. I want to kiss him and hold his hand. I want to be able to experience everything and beyond with him. It’s painful but he’s worth waiting for ❤️

[OlderAndWiser]

His insecurities may not resolve after you close the distance and are up close and personal!

[Asker]

No you’re definitely not wrong! And that’s what I’m scared of… I just want him to trust me… easier said than done tho…

[OlderAndWiser]

IMy ex-wife was pathologically jealous. If I attended a Bar luncheon, she would go to the Bar Association's web site and look at pictures to see whethr I was sitting next to or talking to a female, and then it became a war of accusations and innuendos. If someone is like that, there is nothing you can do to placate or mollify them. Nothing.

[Asker]

Thank you for sharing, I’m so sorry that you had to go through that I’d be miserable I couldn’t imagine

[OlderAndWiser]

I am the most faithful partner in the world and her unfounded accusations really crippled our relationship. And, surprisingly, she was not like that before we got married.

[Asker]

I’m genuinely curious and I don’t mean to pry but what do you think caused her to change into a woman like that? Do you think she was cheating a projecting her own insecurities? I’m sorry just genuinely curious 💗

[OlderAndWiser]

Her first husband cheated on her for years, and she was totally unaware until the end. They had three children together. He was an alcoholic and she felt guilty about her children having an alcoholic for a father. I think she just didn't want to be in a relationship and was looking for a reason to be unhappy so she could leave.

[GingerGuy]

@Asker Just a quick comment on the not meeting, but "pure love"... I get what you mean in that you're getting to know them, however things (chemistry) can be COMPLETELY different when you meet them face to face. I can think of one women I met, we met online, and our conversations were amazing! We "clicked" immediately. But when we actually met in person, I'm not sure how it was for her, but for me, there was no romantic chemistry at all. Even though we had this great connection and conversations online, it was completely different in person.

[OlderAndWiser]

@GingerGuy You are absolutely right but, unfortunately, that is a lesson which everyone insists on learning through their own experience.

[TruthBringer]

@Asker As someone who had been in a LDR, I know exactly what you mean with “pure love” and being in love. Because you get to know the person for who they are rather than letting physical intimacy lead the attraction. However, like many LDRs including my own past one, you end up falling in love with the IDEA you create about that person, not the actual person themselves. And THAT is the major danger about online relationships. Because people online often do not behave the same way in real life. So you fall in love with a virtual comfort zone.

I’m not going to hurt your brain with the details of my past relationship, but what it comes down to is that I fell in love with the persona she made herself out to be that did not reflect who she truly was. Eve though we did have chemistry when we met in real life, the months that followed showed me that she was not the person whom I thought she was. I fell in love with the idea who she was and what her potential is. But this idea was shattered by the person she actually was. I made her more beautiful in my mind than she was.

And this is the danger of online relationships. At best, you’ll both feel awkward about meeting each other in real life because you’re used to dating pixels rather than an actual human being. And at worst, you’ll find out that “feeling”/”spark”/”chemistry/you name it, isn’t there when you meet in real life (like the situxation of @GingerGuy.

I’m not trying to burst your bubble, at the same time I cannot lie that it doesn’t sound like your LDR is heading in the right direction. The fact you’re already questioning the relationship tells it all. Being with someone who questions your every move is honestly exhausting and toxic. And if it ends, it will end up being in both your favors. I was devastated when I had no choice ending my LDR. Yet it ended up becoming one of the best decisions I had made to my own happiness and mental health. Nothing beats a local relationship.

[ReneD13]

My honest opinion would be to end things with him. It sounds like he was hurt and hasn't taken the time to heal and now pushes these insecurities onto you in an unhealthy way. It seems like this is going to continue to escalate, you will continue to provide him with every message, or give him access to your location at all times, but until he comes to terms with what happened it will never be enough. Essentially he is being very controlling and the more ground you concede the more he will want to take, eventually it will lead to resentment and unhappiness. Cut ties now before it gets worse.

[Xoxocutekitty]

Anyone who takes up this much 'space' in a relationship isn't worth it. If you can't even live your life normally, imagine just how bad it would be if, heaven forbid you had a fight and then his insecurities made him assume you were revenge cheating on him.

Now it's one thing to handle the 'emotionally vulnerable' insecure guy, it's another to handle a self-righteous asshole with a jealously complex. Insecurity manifests it's self in many ways and sadly a few of them can be violent or controlling over time.

He clearly needs to work on himself and stop expecting emotional handouts from his partners. Is cheating right? No. Is it healthy to go around everyone with a different pair of genitals Is a cheater? Also no. He isn't a good partner and needs to realize that. It's not your responsibility to 'fix' the person you like. Dating should be fun and flirtatious. This should add value to your life and make you feel at peace with all the ones that didn't work out.

[WindAtMyBack]

Two bad signs.

First he is insecure and suspicious. He may also be possessive, which can be a big red flag. He might be controlling.

Second, it's long distance which isn't a real relationship to start with. So it's not possible to "cheat".

If you haven't met you are not in a real relationship. You don't even know if you'd get along. There are way too many things you can't know until you actually spend time with someone. Even then it takes a while.

Even without the red flags, you'd need to have a realistic plan to get together in person. You'd need realistic plans for one or both of you moving. If it's international, you need to deal with visas and immigration laws as well. You need plans, and you need to actively make progress toward reaching those goals.

It might sound like I'm against LDRs, but I'm not. It just needs to be realistic.

[Asker]

You could have stopped after the first paragraph

[Asker]

But thank you for the advice

[Interstate]

He clearly has trust issues and shouldn't be looking to pursue anything with anybody until he gets this insecurity treated. That is one disadvantage to long distance relationships. If you are somebody with this kind of limitation, it makes your end of the relationship all the more difficult, if not impossible. THEN it will be just a matter of time until the other half realizes they are on their own in it all, and walks away. He should seek counseling to resolve this, or this is going to "daisy chain" with each possibility that comes his way. Until then, relationship failures are inevitable and he stands no chance.

[zeitgeist057]

Interesting that he is constantly concerned you are with someone else romantically.

in my experience, what people are worried you will do to them is what they would do to you if they were in your shoes.

The thief is always worried about getting stolen from. The cheater is always worried about being cheated on. The liar is painfully aware that whatever anyone says to them could be a lie.

This is not just some cliche. I had a girlfriend like this who constantly fretted I was cheating on her; she ended up cheating on me. Numerous liars have been paranoid with me and others, accusing us of lying. I worked with a guy who cheated on his wife constantly, and he was constantly stressed she was cheating on him as well.
The psychology behind this is simple: we see the world through our own perspective most easily. If our perspective is looking for opportunities to cheat, that’s what we assume others will do as well.

[DaveJord]

Well one thing that turns me off about women more than anything is insecurities. Insecurities of any type usually turn into bigger one later... you just have to believe me on that.

So obviously this guys has some serious trust issues, driven by some deep rooted insecurities... so it 10 times more likely over time that he will or could turn abusive or at the very least force you into a toxic relationship.

So YES... I would defiantly and ABSOLUTELY end it. Don't fall into the guilt trap of feeling sorry for him, people do that to other on purpose as means of conditioning them to a submissive role in the relationship so that they can be more easily controlled and manipulated.

[globetrotter22]

This is a huge red flag and will most likely lead to even more controlling behavior which can be dangerous. The height of a man’s insecurity is controlling behavior. It’s not love or masculine energy.

The irony is people who act this way often either are guilty of cheating themselves or they push their partner into doing something vía reverse psychology.

I would have an honest conversation with him. Tell him you understand why he feels the way he does but also say he has nothing to worry about. Also tell him that his constant paranoia is actually turning you off. If he can’t own up to his paranoia than I would consider moving on from him.

[globetrotter22]

Wait you haven’t even met this guy?

[SabinaV]

You should talk to him about it.
Mention the problem & how it is affecting you.
You should be able to communicate this with him.
I understand talking about it can be very difficult since it may be confrontational, but try to open up.

Of course he should definitely let you as you are, you are not required to update him all the time as that is over and too much.

If you are done opening up about it and he is still the same then it is time to let go.

Usually cheaters are very good at it, sometimes one cannot see it coming, so it is unnecessary to keep an eye on you 24/7.

He should respect your individual time too.

Communicate first. If nothing works, then you can consider your thoughts.

[jillybeanns]

I’m sorry but his past trauma is NOT your problem. You didn’t do it to him. Therefore, you should NOT be held responsible for pain inflicted by someone else. He needs to do some severe healing and introspection before he can commit to a relationship. Coming from a person that was once in your shoes, you will wear yourself down mentally and emotionally being controlled by his insecurities. Oh and FYI people like him (listen to this part) will NEVERRRRRRR be satisfied unless you are doing what THEY want you to do!!! So good luck with that!!!

[jillybeanns]

Oh, and like many others said he could 100000000000% be fucking around and cheating behind your back! A guilty conscious can have a person making accusations on a completely innocent person. I don’t normally invite breakups but this situation is not looking like it’s very good for you.

[WhereIsMyMind]

My ex was psychotic. He would constantly accuse me of cheating on him, he would look through my phone most days, call me a slut regularly, he even accused me having sex with his brother on the scaffolding of the house next door. He was completely insane.

Whilst your boyfriend doesn't sound quite like this, the fact still remains that you can't defend yourself from accusations like this when a person is deeply insecure. I think that he needs to work on this himself, you can't live your life feeling constantly watched and made to feel like you are doing something wrong. It's no way to live. I think you should break up with him, and explain that right now it is not going to work whilst he has this mindset. He needs to overcome his past traumas before starting a relationship with someone new, it's not fair taking out all his emotional issues on you.

[pepperhicks]

Very difficult to manage this level of jealousy in a relationship. He may just be trying to excuse the behavior with his explanation. It would be interesting to know if he is being truthful about having multiple exes who cheated on him. They might just have left him because he is trying to be so controlling. Another possibility is that he has had guilt about cheating himself and projects it onto his partners. I understand your trying to soothe his fears by sending evidence of your innocence, but a problem is that once cheating is in this guy's head he may be incapable of letting go of the idea.

[D_Bone_Steak]

LDR is reason enough to just call it quits. Somebody always ends up cheating and I think he's aware of that. TBH, I'm supprised he hasn't broken up with you after he's already experienced what most women are like, expecially if you're having 'girls nights out' because to any man with a decent ammount of experience with women already knows what that eventually leads to. Not saying you're like that, but unfortunately, expecially men with experience with women, are going to simply not believe you... because lets be real, cheater type women all claim they would never cheat as well.

Yeah, break it up, and free up his options. He might not like it and will probably assume it's because you're monkey branching to some other dude, but you'll be doing him a favor.

[Fireguy17]

depending on the person, it may never get worse, or it can get much worse later on.
He may never change, and always suspect you or anyone else of that type of behavior.
Sadly there is little you can do to change your mind.
If it continues to get worse it might be time to consider moving on.
His abuse towards you may escalate, and it won't matter what you do or say you will always be guilty in his eyes, even though you have done nothing wrong to deserve to be treated like that.
Not a good position to be in.
Hopefully it can get worked out for the better.

[sammyyyyasdfghjkl]

I wasn’t even in an ldr and I experienced the same exact thing. In the end, it wasn’t worth it girl. He still couldn’t trust me. I realised its nothing to do with me. He has his own issues. I can’t be the one to fix that.

Run. That’s all I can really say.

[Anonymous]

what is the point of dating long distance? and the dude is already insecure. this is just a mess from the start. it wouldn't really be breaking up, have you guys ever met in person or been on an actual date in person?

this is not a problem of you, it's a problem of him. you shouldn't have to prove yourself. and if you guys did eventually be able to be together in person, this will continue. he won't let you go anywhere by yourself. then eventually you'll lose all of your friends and he's the only one you'll have. he really needs to seek therapy...

[David_Kek]

You could try telling him you're thinking about breaking up because this lack of trust is starting to hurt you. Communication is the bedrock of relationships. He might listen and maybe work on his issues, even if it takes months or years to fully sort. If he doesn't try even a little and continues, then at a later date you'll have to leave him when you're sure he doesn't care.
Long as you communicate and give people chances to change what they're doing which is hurting you, and they didn't even try to sort it out, at least then you can say you did everything you could.

[MrOracle]

You are young and haven't yet learned the harsh lesson that "long distance" relationships are really just an illusion and a waste of time. And if the separation lasts more than 90 days, the failure rate is over 90%.

Relationships are about spending time together and experiencing life together. You can't do that long distance. His insecurities are being fed by the distance too. It's always going to be a problem.

The lesson is to only date LOCALLY, so that you can spend time together several times a week, In person. That's what a real relationship is. What you have is a virtual relationship - it's just pretend.

[Asker]

Do didn’t answer my question and I’m sorry I’m not believing your statistics unless you have evidence. Sorry your advice just sounds bitter

[MrOracle]

As I said, most people have to learn the hard way, and everyone thinks that they will be the rare exception. If you don't learn from me, you will learn from life - life is just a tougher teacher than I am.