This new guy I'm seeing constantly thinks I'm cheating? Should I break up with him?

Question

I’ve just recently started seeing this new guy long distance and he’s really very nice. However I started to realize he’s incredibly insecure due to his past relationships where his exes have cheated on him.

The problem has come up that whenever I go out with girlfriends or by myself, he gets incredibly worried and upset and either tries to poke holes and find evidence in my texts (which I send many trying to reassure him and tell him what I’m doing) of me cheating on him and or he withdraws and shuts down getting very depressed. I constantly send him pictures of who I’m with and what I’m doing and I gave him my location.

I have never cheated on him nor have I ever cheated on any of my past partners.

I feel bad that I worry him and I genuinely try to make it so that he always knows what I’m doing and where I am… and I never want to punish someone about the fears they have from their past… and I’ve never broken up with anyone before… but it’s starting to hurt me very badly that no matter what I do to try and get him to trust me… I’m somehow still managing to hurt him 😞

I wish he could see how much I love him and wouldn’t want to be with anyone else.

Should I break up with him? If you’ve gone through this (guy or girl) how did you get them to trust you? I just don’t know what to do…

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

You cannot hurt someone you aren't actually causing harm to . It's important to recognize that his perceived fears of you cheating have NOTHING to do with you because as you have said, you have neither given him a reason to actually believe you are cheating, nor have you done it to him. I totally understand your need to be patient and understanding with him because of his past, but that is something only he can heal within himself by recognizing that he has a good girlfriend in you. Blaming others for what someone else did, will only drive them away---which it seems he is doing. You need to understand that you do not deserve to be unhappy because of what someone else did to him in a past relationships. You deserve to be free and happy in your relationship right now. It sounds like you've gone above and beyond to be accommodating to him, but you shouldn't even have to do any of that because a huge part of a relationship is trusting the other person, which he does not seem capable of doing as he is constantly interrogating you.  Deep breath. So what should you do? Ask yourself, if it's 6 days, 6 weeks, or 6 months down the road and this is still going on, would you be happy in that relationship? Has he shown you ANY signs that he actually trusts you at all to go out or to turn off your phone tracker without him calling you a liar as to your whereabouts? When you go out, are you more worried about what he's going to think, say , or do, then you just going out and having a good time or doing what you need to do? If you're not happy, if there is no trust, then it may be best to let him go and let him know he needs to work on his fears and past hurt before he can be in a relationship with you or anyone else. If he shows any kind of desire to change, let him outline to you what he plans to do to help facilitate that change, and if you don't see that happening, then again, exit the relationship for your own sake.

Seinna · Accepted Answer

Well does he care that he's hurting you? To me, who also never cheated it's hurtful and disrespectful when someone is accusing me of it despite me never giving them any reasons to. Tbh I think maybe he's just not ready to trust anyone and in that case he's not ready for a relationship. Unless you really like the guy, I'd take a break because until you stop going along with this madness and expect from him to trust you like he should, he will not. And eventually it will become really tiring, believe me. Why would he change his attitude? You're doing all the work and meanwhile, is he reporting to you on everything he does and who he does it with? There's another side to this - people who are overly jealous often times project their own ability to cheat on their partner. They know how strong a temptation that is to them and therefore feel it's the same for their partner.

Diodoro · Accepted Answer

Some guys (he might be one of them) don't want their girl going out with their friends to places that are commonly used to meet members of the opposite sex. Doubt ged have these same insecurities showing if you were going to the movies, bowling, or just a classic sleep over at your girlfriends.

Not saying you should do this. But it's worth considering how badly you want to go out to some of these places with your girls to have guys hit on you and your friends.

While I'm good with my girl in that environment. Aloooot of guys even who haven't been cheated on are not. Now add the fact your man has been cheated on. Emotionally I get it.

Like why even put yourself in that situation. For me all I ask my girl is "just avoid situations that could look bad from an outsider looking in". Meaning if a stranger were to see you and whoever. Would they think you are fucking or about to fuck? If yes, get out if that. If no theb it's cool.

That's an easy way to avoid problems that you couldn't possibly think of ahead of time but you can now see if it passes the sniff test. How does it look to a stranger?

Moose304 · Accepted Answer

There are two different dynamics that MAY be at play here. Unless you have verified this person has a history of being cheated on you only have their word. People that manipulate will use any means to do so. I highly recommend you stop allowing this person to do this. The next dynamic is they were cheated on and have serious trust issues arising out of this. The only example I can use here is the childbirth one. I have heard many women say to a man you have no clue how having a baby feels. As a man, I do not. The same thing applies when you have never been cheated on especially when it was a broadside. Back in the summer, I was asked this question by a lady I work with. I told her to be careful. To understand this man has been cheated on. His now-ex left the man destroyed. Are you willing to do the heavy lifting? So my advice to you is to see if you can determine this person's history and make sure you want to engage with a betrayed person with trust issues. Trust me, this is far easier to say then do.

MzAsh · Answer

This is not a relationship. You’ve never met this guy. You’re pretending. And he’s trying to control and manipulate you. You owe him nothing she you should never have to justify going out with friends or enjoying your personal time. Stop encouraging this shit behavior from men who aren’t worth the memory space on your phone.

Desconhecida · Answer

People who are too jealous and constantly accuse us of cheating are cheaters. Trust me. If he's afraid of you fucking around is because he is.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

Have you ever met him in person?

ReneD13 · Answer

My honest opinion would be to end things with him. It sounds like he was hurt and hasn't taken the time to heal and now pushes these insecurities onto you in an unhealthy way. It seems like this is going to continue to escalate, you will continue to provide him with every message, or give him access to your location at all times, but until he comes to terms with what happened it will never be enough. Essentially he is being very controlling and the more ground you concede the more he will want to take, eventually it will lead to resentment and unhappiness. Cut ties now before it gets worse.

Xoxocutekitty · Answer

Anyone who takes up this much 'space' in a relationship isn't worth it. If you can't even live your life normally, imagine just how bad it would be if, heaven forbid you had a fight and then his insecurities made him assume you were revenge cheating on him.

Now it's one thing to handle the 'emotionally vulnerable' insecure guy, it's another to handle a self-righteous asshole with a jealously complex. Insecurity manifests it's self in many ways and sadly a few of them can be violent or controlling over time.

He clearly needs to work on himself and stop expecting emotional handouts from his partners. Is cheating right? No. Is it healthy to go around everyone with a different pair of genitals Is a cheater? Also no. He isn't a good partner and needs to realize that. It's not your responsibility to 'fix' the person you like. Dating should be fun and flirtatious. This should add value to your life and make you feel at peace with all the ones that didn't work out.

WindAtMyBack · Answer

Two bad signs.

First he is insecure and suspicious. He may also be possessive, which can be a big red flag. He might be controlling.

Second, it's long distance which isn't a real relationship to start with. So it's not possible to "cheat".

If you haven't met you are not in a real relationship. You don't even know if you'd get along. There are way too many things you can't know until you actually spend time with someone. Even then it takes a while.

Even without the red flags, you'd need to have a realistic plan to get together in person. You'd need realistic plans for one or both of you moving. If it's international, you need to deal with visas and immigration laws as well. You need plans, and you need to actively make progress toward reaching those goals.

It might sound like I'm against LDRs, but I'm not. It just needs to be realistic.

Interstate · Answer

He clearly has trust issues and shouldn't be looking to pursue anything with anybody until he gets this insecurity treated. That is one disadvantage to long distance relationships. If you are somebody with this kind of limitation, it makes your end of the relationship all the more difficult, if not impossible. THEN it will be just a matter of time until the other half realizes they are on their own in it all, and walks away. He should seek counseling to resolve this, or this is going to "daisy chain" with each possibility that comes his way. Until then, relationship failures are inevitable and he stands no chance.

zeitgeist057 · Answer

Interesting that he is constantly concerned you are with someone else romantically.

in my experience, what people are worried you will do to them is what they would do to you if they were in your shoes.

The thief is always worried about getting stolen from. The cheater is always worried about being cheated on. The liar is painfully aware that whatever anyone says to them could be a lie.

This is not just some cliche. I had a girlfriend like this who constantly fretted I was cheating on her; she ended up cheating on me. Numerous liars have been paranoid with me and others, accusing us of lying. I worked with a guy who cheated on his wife constantly, and he was constantly stressed she was cheating on him as well.
The psychology behind this is simple: we see the world through our own perspective most easily. If our perspective is looking for opportunities to cheat, that’s what we assume others will do as well.

DaveJord · Answer

Well one thing that turns me off about women more than anything is insecurities. Insecurities of any type usually turn into bigger one later... you just have to believe me on that.

So obviously this guys has some serious trust issues, driven by some deep rooted insecurities... so it 10 times more likely over time that he will or could turn abusive or at the very least force you into a toxic relationship.

So YES... I would defiantly and ABSOLUTELY end it. Don't fall into the guilt trap of feeling sorry for him, people do that to other on purpose as means of conditioning them to a submissive role in the relationship so that they can be more easily controlled and manipulated.

globetrotter22 · Answer

This is a huge red flag and will most likely lead to even more controlling behavior which can be dangerous. The height of a man’s insecurity is controlling behavior. It’s not love or masculine energy.

The irony is people who act this way often either are guilty of cheating themselves or they push their partner into doing something vía reverse psychology.

I would have an honest conversation with him. Tell him you understand why he feels the way he does but also say he has nothing to worry about. Also tell him that his constant paranoia is actually turning you off. If he can’t own up to his paranoia than I would consider moving on from him.

SabinaV · Answer

You should talk to him about it.
Mention the problem & how it is affecting you.
You should be able to communicate this with him.
I understand talking about it can be very difficult since it may be confrontational, but try to open up.

Of course he should definitely let you as you are, you are not required to update him all the time as that is over and too much.

If you are done opening up about it and he is still the same then it is time to let go.

Usually cheaters are very good at it, sometimes one cannot see it coming, so it is unnecessary to keep an eye on you 24/7.

He should respect your individual time too.

Communicate first. If nothing works, then you can consider your thoughts.

jillybeanns · Answer

I’m sorry but his past trauma is NOT your problem. You didn’t do it to him. Therefore, you should NOT be held responsible for pain inflicted by someone else. He needs to do some severe healing and introspection before he can commit to a relationship. Coming from a person that was once in your shoes, you will wear yourself down mentally and emotionally being controlled by his insecurities. Oh and FYI people like him (listen to this part) will NEVERRRRRRR be satisfied unless you are doing what THEY want you to do!!! So good luck with that!!!

WhereIsMyMind · Answer

My ex was psychotic. He would constantly accuse me of cheating on him, he would look through my phone most days, call me a slut regularly, he even accused me having sex with his brother on the scaffolding of the house next door. He was completely insane.

Whilst your boyfriend doesn't sound quite like this, the fact still remains that you can't defend yourself from accusations like this when a person is deeply insecure. I think that he needs to work on this himself, you can't live your life feeling constantly watched and made to feel like you are doing something wrong. It's no way to live. I think you should break up with him, and explain that right now it is not going to work whilst he has this mindset. He needs to overcome his past traumas before starting a relationship with someone new, it's not fair taking out all his emotional issues on you.

pepperhicks · Answer

Very difficult to manage this level of jealousy in a relationship. He may just be trying to excuse the behavior with his explanation. It would be interesting to know if he is being truthful about having multiple exes who cheated on him. They might just have left him because he is trying to be so controlling. Another possibility is that he has had guilt about cheating himself and projects it onto his partners. I understand your trying to soothe his fears by sending evidence of your innocence, but a problem is that once cheating is in this guy's head he may be incapable of letting go of the idea.

D_Bone_Steak · Answer

LDR is reason enough to just call it quits. Somebody always ends up cheating and I think he's aware of that. TBH, I'm supprised he hasn't broken up with you after he's already experienced what most women are like, expecially if you're having 'girls nights out' because to any man with a decent ammount of experience with women already knows what that eventually leads to. Not saying you're like that, but unfortunately, expecially men with experience with women, are going to simply not believe you... because lets be real, cheater type women all claim they would never cheat as well.

Yeah, break it up, and free up his options. He might not like it and will probably assume it's because you're monkey branching to some other dude, but you'll be doing him a favor.

Fireguy17 · Answer

depending on the person, it may never get worse, or it can get much worse later on.
He may never change, and always suspect you or anyone else of that type of behavior.
Sadly there is little you can do to change your mind.
If it continues to get worse it might be time to consider moving on.
His abuse towards you may escalate, and it won't matter what you do or say you will always be guilty in his eyes, even though you have done nothing wrong to deserve to be treated like that.
Not a good position to be in.
Hopefully it can get worked out for the better.

sammyyyyasdfghjkl · Answer

I wasn’t even in an ldr and I experienced the same exact thing. In the end, it wasn’t worth it girl. He still couldn’t trust me. I realised its nothing to do with me. He has his own issues. I can’t be the one to fix that.

Run. That’s all I can really say.

Anonymous · Answer

what is the point of dating long distance? and the dude is already insecure. this is just a mess from the start. it wouldn't really be breaking up, have you guys ever met in person or been on an actual date in person?

this is not a problem of you, it's a problem of him. you shouldn't have to prove yourself. and if you guys did eventually be able to be together in person, this will continue. he won't let you go anywhere by yourself. then eventually you'll lose all of your friends and he's the only one you'll have. he really needs to seek therapy...

David_Kek · Answer

You could try telling him you're thinking about breaking up because this lack of trust is starting to hurt you. Communication is the bedrock of relationships. He might listen and maybe work on his issues, even if it takes months or years to fully sort. If he doesn't try even a little and continues, then at a later date you'll have to leave him when you're sure he doesn't care.
Long as you communicate and give people chances to change what they're doing which is hurting you, and they didn't even try to sort it out, at least then you can say you did everything you could.

MrOracle · Answer

You are young and haven't yet learned the harsh lesson that "long distance" relationships are really just an illusion and a waste of time. And if the separation lasts more than 90 days, the failure rate is over 90%.

Relationships are about spending time together and experiencing life together. You can't do that long distance. His insecurities are being fed by the distance too. It's always going to be a problem.

The lesson is to only date LOCALLY, so that you can spend time together several times a week, In person. That's what a real relationship is. What you have is a virtual relationship - it's just pretend.

Anonymous · Answer

I say yes, break up. You can't "make" anyone trust you, that's built over time, however this is a "red flag" to me. And add the long distance to this, which is another red flag on it's own, but add that to the insecurity, makes it even bigger, this relationship will be a constant "fight" to maintain in my opinion. And it's already creating bad feelings, not just for him, but you also. If you need help breaking it off, just say something like "I've been doing a lot of thinking, and unfortunately I don't think this relationship is going to work long term. I'm very sorry and I wish you the best and hope you find someone that makes you happy." THAT'S IT. No need to "explain" it further or give him specific reasons. This says you've already made up your mind completely, and it's over. If he really presses you for a reason, or has trouble accepting that, just say you don't think you're a match, and/or blame it on the distance.

pleasestopthis · Answer

He's insecure and as such if you keep this up you'll soon have him 24/7 breathing on your neck, demanding explanations all the time. Right now you may think you're willing to put up with that, but it's incredible tiring in the long run.
So yes, for your peace of mind, you should break up. People with severe insecurity issues should get therapy to solve their problems before getting themselves into the dating market

cookiecrusher · Answer

We all know that a lot of the girls night outs tend to be not so innocent.

And he has been cheated on by multiple women.

And it's a long distance relationship, and pretty new.

If you look good then he also knows most guys would want you, especially in a nice dress (night out). And you know it too, might go for better.

You probably get somewhat drunk.

Lots of valid reasons for this guy to be uneasy about it.

Is he to blame? He could do some healing with picking a woman who is not that type, more calm/feminine type, not outgoing etc etc.

You aren't to blame either, you want to hang with your friends, enjoy being alive etc.

Those B's who cheated on him are to blame here.

However i don't think the 2 of you should be together in those current terms. Nothing good will come from it like that.

petitedollbabee · Answer

Break up… he shouldn’t be expecting you to cheat just because his past relationships ended up that way. That’s not fair on you and it barely gives you a chance to have a real relationship with him. Dump him and let him shove his emotional baggage onto some other poor soul.

genericname85 · Answer

Weil his history doesn't really matter for the principle of a healthy relationship. You can't control a partner like this, cause they're free people and the beauty of loyalty is that it comes voluntarily, not through force.

It's difficult for him, i get it. Yet he will have to trust even if he knows the worst possible outcome already.

nice-girl · Answer

You don't have to be loyal if you're not married, or at least engaged. And more over to a "non-existent" lover. He's not even there.
You (and him) are suffering unnecessarily.
How do you know he is not cheating? Maybe he has these kinds of thoughts because he is doing it or is struggling to be loyal.

metalhead71 · Answer

Please please, run for the hills... the faster the better. Trust is among the most Important staples of a relationship, and if he's actually checking your texts this early on (you said recently started dating but I'm wondering how long it's been) then there's a 100% chance it will escalate and get worse as time goes on. I've dated girls for years and neither of us ever read another's texts... not once. You say you love him, but you just started recently dating him... that usually means he's good in the sac... whatever you do, just realize that there are literally 8 billion people on the planet, well say 4 billion of those are male, and one billion in your age range... when you find the one, you'll know, and it will be natural and uneventful, free from worry or jealousy, and it won't be long distance. Jealous/accusatory at every single outing apart... this is a no brainer.

Vick2727 · Answer

No, you don't have to break up with him, but you need to lay down the law. Two, it's time for you both to save up and see each other or break up.

Or there is one percent he is cheating and doesn't want you to find out. But that's one percent. You two need to see each other once a month or something.

BCA6010 · Answer

Honestly, yes. I understand that there's a very high chance that he has been screwed over by past girlfriends, but between his current behavior and just the fact you're dealing with long distance, unable to regularly see each other in-person, this relationship is pretty much doomed to fail, anyway.

Citizenkirk · Answer

Sounds like this guy comes with a lot of emotional bagage concerning trust and respect issues. You might want to call him on his insecurities issues and be ready to give him the 👢 if he is noncompliant with your wishes too not have your social life micromanaged by him.

Heartache0405 · Answer

Long distance never works out. Someone is always cheating. And sense you can’t see each other in person you can’t form any trust between each other. You jumped into something too quick without getting to know if they’re even trustworthy or not. Let alone faithful and loyal to you when they can’t even go out on dates with you. I’ve had a few long distance relationships and the ones I didn’t get to meet didn’t last long at all. The ones I did meet cheated on me.

jshm2 · Answer

Kiddo, that is a big red flag, that he's a gaslighting, manipulative bastard.  Ditch his sorry ass.

Kabluie · Answer

Yes, because I imagine it's making you feel like you are walking one egg shells and that's not a good relationship. If he's that nutty when in LDR, imagine how nosy he might be if you were living with him.

I have a problem when people can't just trust their partner outright like any other person, and respect their privacy as well. It creates unnecessary tension and for you.

icelolly · Answer

Leave him. You deserve better.  Life is too short to be in a relationship which gives you a constant headache. Our time in this planet is short. Be with someone who makes it worthwhile.

MannyFrs · Answer

he's more than likely the one who doing the cheating

i had an ex that did the same thing.

come to find out she was a homie hoe and was giving her stank hole to all of her male "friends"

beware

hopefully im wrong but i doubt it

Anonymous · Answer

I was in a long distance relationship before. Paranoia becomes a huge part of it after a while because trust slowly withers away. It is only going to get worse and he won't become any better after you reunite physically. Breaking up is the only solution here.

dtweed1996 · Answer

It is really up to you like me and my girl met online and we stayed distant until today and through the moment she did not really play me for money or anything she asked and gotten $1000 from me ever sense then she been giving like she gave me a cashiers check of $2570 last week so in my opinion how real the love tells whether 2 significant others should split up or not

Paul09 · Answer

Wow, all his problems are lingering, and ruining with your digital relationship. Tell him straight forward, he needs to trust you. And You are there for him. But if he continues, you will not tolerate it for longer. Tell him it hurts You and the relationship.

Miristheiss · Answer

If he thinks you cheated why is he still with you? That is pathetic. What is going out with a friend? Out to eat, to a movie, out to a park, shopping, out for coffee... or out to bars and clubs?

sheikalana · Answer

He doesn't trust you. I would probably break up I cannot be in a relationship where I'm constantly being accused of stuff I didn't do.

Anonymous · Answer

he doesn’t sound like he trusts you completely. This is a Red flag. The right person won’t accuse you of cheating or assume you’re. You haven’t meet him in real life either but FaceTime, so just be careful. If I was you I wouldn’t date somebody I never meet in person that can be dangerous. your choice whenever you stay or leave.

Anonymous · Answer

I know several guys like that. All of them had multiple partners cheat on them in their past. My take is that their insecurity is pretty deep seated and difficult to get past. I don't know about this guy you are dating but he may or may not be worth your time, depending on how hard you are willing to work to earn his trust and help him get past his insecurity. Good luck to you.

zagor · Answer

In my experience (from friends, not personal) the person who is suspicious and accusative is the one who ends up cheating.

mark000h · Answer

It's only going to get worse. Break up. He's too broken and insecure. His jealousy will get worse because he will be forever suspicious and controlling.

awkward_author · Answer

It’s obvious he doesn’t trust you, and it’s causing him to become overly possessive. This is unhealthy behavior, and it’s probably best to leave him. There’s nothing you can do to fix it. He needs to work through his problems.

melanieeeB · Answer

I stopped reading after long distance... his behavior would be to exhausting for me

lilyanony1 · Answer

My advice, he needs to heal. You can't have him track your every movemeither he trusts you or he doesn't. End of!

tessarae29 · Answer

Based on what you have wrote down, you need to break up with him. You have not given him any signs that you’re a cheater.

molonski2 · Answer

Piss him off , he is a WEAK insecure fool , you will become violent.. CUT CLEAN and QUICKLY

Uptowngirl88 · Answer

Move on those who are accusing are usually the cheaters

Danny_dan92 · Answer

If you aren’t then that’s up to you really. I totally understand the frustrations of constantly being accused of something that you legitimately aren’t doing

certifiedalphafemale · Answer

Maybe try to understand the reason why he got cheated on in the past. Learn from the ex’s side of the story, maybe it’s because he’s doing something that pushes women away. Or maybe he’s being needy. I’d ghost him if I we’re you.

CarolineW · Answer

Yes, I can't stand possessive guys. You're not his property. Dump him - and tell him why.

Anonymous · Answer

He's hurt and broken, you don't value him enough to deal with it. Just break up, it is what it is.

bgreek · Answer

The 1st red flag is it's long distance The 2nd women have a reputation for cheating 3rd dump him if he doesn't have proof Or change his behavior

Mavie123 · Answer

Trust is a big thing in relationships. if he can't trust you then your relationship with him is toxic to you both.

VikingWarLord · Answer

Sit down with him and read this book together. The book is called "SEX AT DAWN" by Cacilda Jetha and Christopher Ryan

FadoraTheExplorer · Answer

I think it's time to see other people. If he can't stay faithful then he gots ta go. You deserve better

Jamie05rhs · Answer

"either tries to poke holes and find evidence in my texts". Can you elaborate on this part? I feel like that could possibly be a red flag.

Jintendo18 · Answer

He might be the one cheating on you. I was in a similar situation, and the same thing was done to me.

This new guy I'm seeing constantly thinks I'm cheating? Should I break up with him?

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Why does my boyfriend think I'm cheating on him?

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