Why do people always seem to make the same mistakes?

[19magic]

I just don't get it, but there's hundreds of examples of this. Like children with alcoholic parent/s who beat the kids raped the spouse, gambled or blew money on drugs. 9/10 those kids will do the same thing that their parents did to them. My stepmom's friend her mum used to be an alcoholic and now anytime we walk past there's Jack Daniels scattered everywhere and she buys a bottle every 3/4 days. Thankfully her six kids (5 dad's) got taken off of her a little while ago, so their future isn't fucked anymore but she still followed in the same footsteps.

There's also the case of my Nan she's so desperate for love, that she ends up going with the first guy who tells her that. And there's been 5+ cases of times where the guy has ended up beating her, broken bones for her etc. And she was finally in a good relationship a little while ago and spent his money and then ended up leaving him for one reason or another. Has since dated a black guy younger than myself, and is now with a loser who she knew 30 odd years ago, he was on the doll then and is on the doll now and practically nothing has changed about him in 30 years.

Tbh the whole thing has had a negative impact on myself, as for years I've vowed to not allow myself to be like that. So I've never let myself get in deep, I met this really sweet guy before, and we really hit it off and that scared me, so I stole some change off of him, to scare him away. 🙄 Stupid really, but then that's why next time I'm going to work out my problems, so I don't run when things look good as I'm constantly looking for the other shoe to drop.

But one thing I'll never do is beat my kid like my mother did to me, I remember being locked in a cupboard, I also remember not being fed and being slapped across the face and whipped with a belt. And I'll never do that to her, same as dragging her up the stairs by her hair, I'll never do that. It terrified me as a kid and gave me nightmares for weeks.

Updates

+1 y

But it seems to be a rare thing, more people end up just like their parents even though their own childhood experience was shite. I just don't get it, I may not go the same way but I do try not to repeat the same mistakes as my family.

[caring__1]

We tend to gravitate toward familiarity. We'll legitimize things by saying that's how we were raised or that's what I've always done. We don't necessarily become clones of our parents, but we do become reactions to them... often becoming much like them or the opposite of them. Any extreme will be dysfunctional... no matter what direction is chosen.

How many 10-year-olds do you know who have a different religion from their parents? How can we question something when that is all we know? It is very common for people to maintain the same patterns while expecting different results. It makes no sense to anyone but ourselves. Also, what we may define as a mistake can be viewed as an intentional act by the person doing the act.

The biggest problem when it comes to change is the fact that so many people feel they have the right and power to change others. All change done out of pressure from the outside tends to be temporary and/or conditional. All true change is self-motivated. You can open people's eyes by giving them a role model, but people don't view themselves as lumps of clay to be molded by others.

[19magic]

It's just not something I can get, just like the whole man beats the shit out of you, you leave him and then come back to him for more.

Well replace the 10 year old with 20 year olds, as that's just a kid, but I get your point. Normally there is a lot of resemblance between parents. I do get that all I've seen of relationships is fighting, losing parts of ourselves via settling or essentially becoming a slave to the spouse and again losing yourself. I've never seen anything to like about any long term relationship I've seen and so never let myself get in one. And the mistake of getting pregnant was intentional so I do get you there.

Yeah that seems to be the case with my sister. I keep trying to reach her but atm all I get is aggressive shouting and insults. She thinks we all hate her and everything is always her fault and just don't know what to say to her anymore. Whenever we make a change she seems better for a time but then flips back worse then ever.

[caring__1]

If you want people to receptive to you, never accuse, blame, criticize, demand or tell them what they should or shouldn't do. Those actions will put them on the defensive, make them more resistant to change and less likely to take your feelings into consideration.

People choose to maintain patterns. It's up to you whether you maintain the pattern of continuing to go back to these people and expect change or whether you move on. Accept people as they are. You don't have to like them or associate with them. Focusing on what you believe they should or could be will always be a waste of time and energy. Don't just focus on other people's dysfunctional patterns; look to see similarities in your own patterns. You say you "keep trying." How is that different from their continuing patterns that don't work for them?

I have chosen to be very different from my parents. They weren't happy with my choices, but I am. I admit that most people are too self-serving to be healthy partners, so most of the relationships you observe will be dysfunctional. If you're not lumping yourself into that dysfunction, what leads you to believe there aren't others who understand the value of a quality relationship and do their best to create and nurture that? Don't be quick to dive into all opportunities, but don't close yourself off from observing and then allowing what you see to be healthy.

[19magic]

Cause I know when I was her age I always wished that my parents well dad and stepma, I always wished that they tried more and I wasn't a difficult child. I just feel like we aren't trying enough and I kinda feel like that it's fallen onto me to try and help her. I'm worried in a few years she's going to come home and say her boyfriend raped her or she just got beaten up. She's my sister I can't just leave her, she's only 11, well will be 11 and yet I can't get through to her. I try, unsuccessfully to not compare our childhoods, her parents don't argue, she hasn't seen anyone try to stab someone, she hasn't been in any refuges and she wasn't nearly raped at 6 years old. I dealt with a lot of what I had by myself, and yes it probably has screwed me up in some ways more than others, hell I have a fear of commitment, or maybe it's rather fear of abandonment issues. I don't want her to have that same warped views of the world. To know that I will be there for her, I don't want to know that the bridge between us the friendship is already destroyed. There's also the thing of: if I can't help my own sister then how the hell am I going to help my own daughter. I know there are several issues that comes with not having a father and I want to mitigate that as much as possible. And only pass down my good habits and not the bad ones.

Sounds like a good philosophy, I haven't given up I don't think I ever will. But I ain't dumb, I know there's a lot of things that won't be for many guys such as being a mum. But in the meantime I need to get myself sorted and fix myself up a bit. Did you learn all of this on your own, or do you have some sources of inspiration to share.

[caring__1]

It’s not about how hard we try. It’s about how observant and flexible we are. Otherwise, we continue to attempt to push that square peg through the round hole. You can raise 10 kids the same way, all in the same house, and they’ll all turn out differently. We need to constantly fine tune our choices, so we raise our likelihood of getting the outcome we seek. Don’t just keep doing the same because it is familiar.

The best thing you can do for her is to be a sounding board. Let her talk, and then, by using facilitating questions, you can help her explore deeper, see cause and effect, and make healthy choices. Don’t be her mother and tell her what she should or shouldn’t do. Help her to discover her ability to make those choices. Show her how to do research, so she can limit her options to those that are more likely to succeed. She may be closed to what you are saying, as she may feel you’re just shoving your perspective down her throat… just like her parents. To be there for her, she needs to feel safe. That means respecting whatever she says without criticism.

You say you only want to pass on your good habits, not the bad ones. What do parents hate most about their kids? They hate seeing this mirror of their own dysfunctional traits. Parents ask why they couldn’t have chosen the good ones rather than the bad ones. You are a role model. People see you as a total package. You can’t tell them to ignore certain traits. Even when kids complain about a parent’s smoking, they often take up the same habit. We gravitate toward what is familiar, not what is functional. The kid sees the parent relax after lighting up a cigarette, so assumes there must be something relaxing in a cigarette. They don’t research to discover what they’re seeing is merely a reduction in the withdrawal symptom of anxiety.

[caring__1]

It sounds great that you don’t plan on giving up. It’s about being able to measure progress, not rushing to another end-goal. Working on you first makes sense. You’ll be a better role model if you understand what is functional rather than just what is familiar. Therapy can help, but make sure you and your therapist fit well together. Don’t assume they are all alike.

My awareness has come from experience, research, education and an eagerness to always view cause and effect. When I got to college, my eyes were opened to a world I didn’t know existed. All my life, I just followed the path that was laid out for me. My college experience helped me realize this wasn’t me, but what my parents wanted. I decided to let go of my past and discover my true identity. It’s tough enough going through college without the added chore of discovering one’s identity at the same time. I remember waiting for the lightning bolt to hit me after letting go of religion. It was a long hard battle to see myself clearly. I didn’t want my son to have to go through the same challenge, so I started helping him to believe in himself from the time he started talking. I would help him explore rather than be critical of his choices. Eventually, he passed me up and is sought out for his creative insight from professionals in multiple countries. We remain close, though I’m unable to guess what he’ll come up with next.

[Loveisgirthy]

It's kind of all I've known so my head sinks into it easier and it's hard to pull out. Lots of religious and beliefs that I myself don't take as strict but I'm partially betrothed to a mind that I consider a product of other people in most of my life.

[Marianna34n]

I think it has to do with immaturity and being unable to take responsibility of your actions... too bad it happens often

[shadowarrior99]

Habits, addictions, what feels good, what's easy, what's familiar, what we know and what we don't know.

Under rated question.

It requires a lot of effort to break out of them.

[TallAnon]

People mold themselves based on the surrounding people and learn the most impactful events (which are usually negative)

[chilldude33]

that's psychology 101
kids learn their relationship with the world by how their parents treat them
they hold on to that pattern through out their lives
unless they put conscious awareness and effort to unlearn it

[jasco]

People more often than not don't tend to self reflect and if they do. They may not act on that reflection, sometimes things turn into a habit.

[princeofromance]

People are immature and fail to learn from their mistakes.