This happened at my work, it's been very interesting to see it unfold.
Two co-workers are married, but in different departments. They have a joint budget, that they pool all their income to pay bills and have designated money that they get each month to do whatever they want with. They both make very similar income.The husband, saved up most of his money for many years, because he wanted to go on a nice vacation.
This was not a secret as he had let his wife know this was his plan and she should save too if she wanted to go.
She spent all of hers and did not save up anything. He figured that meant she did not want to go.
When he had several thousands of dollars, he decided he was going to take a two week vacation, without her.
His wife felt like he should take her too, using his money and he should take a shorter vacation and not do it as grand as he had planned so they both could go.
It caused some hard feelings on both sides.
What would you do?
I'll update later with what they actually did.
Take her
Do not take her
Other - state what you would do.
Select gender and age to cast your vote:
Please select your age
Updates
+1 y
He could not reschedule his vacation due to work and PTO policies.
They worked it out so she could go and he could still have the nice trip he planned but her portion of the trip would be on a credit card.
She could choose to do everything with him, or take it easy and while on the trip perhaps not do all the same expensive things if she did not want to or didn't want to pay for. She would stay in the room for that day, to make her portion cheaper or do her own cheaper or free things that day
Updates
+1 y
When they got back half of their monthly spending money will go to paying the credit card off. After it is paid off, the two of them will keep putting half into savings for future trips.
Hopefully the two of them figured out how to avoid this in the future, but I'll never know unless I hear about it again at work and I hope I don't.
A husband saved all his money for a vacation, while his wife did not, and now she wants to go. What do you think is fair?
I would tell her that her husband should stop saving and hold on to his money till she saves enough of her own to go with him on the trip, maybe even set a deadline so they both take it seriously e. g. 2-3 years. Maybe later he might even help her a bit if he sees her dedication to saving up.
My reasoning is that couples should do stuff like this together. However, at the same time, the wife shouldn't get away with enjoying her money and then expecting her husband to sacrifice his own on her (when she didn't spend hers on him). Perhaps if he made a lot more than her, this might be a more acceptable expectation. But since they make similar income, it's a matter of financial priority.
Was she spending her money on important things (like kids)? or on frivolous things that benefited only her, and not her husband? I think the best middle ground is for him to wait for her to save up a bit (i. e. delay his trip till she can afford to come along). Narrowing down his plans for her is not a good compromise because it breeds resentment and encourages pettiness or passive-aggression from him e. g. he starts being on her case when she spends her money, and pushing her to include him when she uses it. I think it's really dangerous to a relationship when one partner prioritizes their happiness at the expense of the other, particularly because I can't fault the other partner (or anyone really) for being petty/resentful when their partner betrays them like that.
I would talk w her and try to come to an understanding so that such a thing didn’t happen again…
Decide together when we both should go on a vacation and to where & how grand it should be; and discuss how what she did by overspending and me by not checking into the progress of us saving up had gotten us to where we were now. And recommend that we set up a third “Vacation money” account where we both contributed into and had visibility to
My husband and I pool our money. My paychecks go in our bank account. His paychecks go in our bank account. We use our money to pay our bills.
We both love to travel so we have a sub-savings account specifically for travel. Every paycheck contributes a certain amount to the travel fund. Then we look at our travel fund and plan a vacation for us. We both agreed on the amount of money to allocate to travel. It is unlikely either of us would take a substantial trip without the other. My husband drove back to his college to attend a swim meet. We used money from the travel fund to pay for his hotel/food, but I don't think we'd ever go on an individual trip so I can't imagine the scenario you're describing.
We also have 1 sub-savings account each for our "fun money." Every paycheck puts $100 in each account.
I get paid biweekly and he gets paid bimonthly. This means we each receive either $400 or $500 a month in fun money depending if I get 2 or 3 paychecks that month.
The rule is that we may each do whatever we want with our fun money and the other can't speak into it. We may choose to spend it as soon as it hits, or save up for a larger purchase. But if I have $500 in there and buy a $490 thing, then I will have $10 and don't get any more until we get a paycheck.
In theory, I suppose, if he saved up enough in his fun money to go on a trip... I couldn't stop him and would not expect him to use his fun money to pay my way. But again, we don't budget that way.
Look, WE ALL KNOW that the ethically correct thing to do is tell her that she was given ample notice about the vacation, she was told how much to save, and she refused, so she doesn’t go! But any woman who is THAT selfish will make his like a living hell if he goes without her, and a divorce will hurt him way more financially than just taking her on a low budget vacation!
@Finchie40 You couldn’t possibly know that, sure maybe she might, but I don’t think that a spouse who is insecure and jealous (part & parcel with being selfish) and insist on going on vacation with her husband (likely b/c she doesn’t trust him to spend a week or two in a beautiful resort destination w/o her), would trust him anymore at home “unsupervised” for two weeks either.
I was only being silly , but that’s how most girls are sadly to say , A girl will stop her Man from doing certain things that she doesn’t like him doing to get her way , and if the guy loves her he will listen to her but usually what happens is the girl eventually decides she wants to go away without him and it’s ok for her To do , That’s where double standards come into play , this sort of thing happens a lot in relationships and why most of them don’t make it , cuz people can’t remove selfishness for each other
@Finchie40 Well, whoever hurt you, she really did a number on you, and I’m sorry that happened to you hun. I will say this; I have never treated anyone like that, I none of my friends have ever treated a boyfriend, or anyone they were dating like that…. I have NEVER known of anyone to ever treat a man, that way. I’m not naive, I understand that SOME women are like that, but the level of narcissism it takes to deliberately not only NOT save your money, but instead spend it on yourself, and then make him cut HIS vacay in half… THAT’S PSYCHOTIC! That is most definitely not the “majority behavior” from the “majority of woman”, where did you even get the data that “MOST WOMEN” are that way, it seems like a rhetorical device with no grounding in reality. So before you make a claim that MOST of the 3.908 BILLION women currently alive on earth, are selfish, cruel, and borderline psychotic, you darn well better have the receipts. Therefore, if you have any scientific research studies, any peer reviewed academic articles, even a peer reviewed academic treatise, I would be happy to look at it. But until then, however this just seems to me, to be the product of one man’s singular personal experience, but one that hurt him so much, he would rather extrapolate that terrible behavior to the majority of women everywhere, than open his heart to new love, but risk being hurt again.
You are correct , it’s definitely my own personal experiences with the toxic girls I accepted into my life so it’s definitely not every girl , so from my own experiences that’s how I feel. For me to accept another girl into my life I have to really work on myself to be open to accepting her, which I am trying to do cuz it isn’t fair to her if I hold these walls up , I still flirt and mingle with girls but I don’t rush into relationships
@Finchie40 That’s good, it’s also healthy to be able to admit that your choice of toxic women is the main cause of the toxicity, and not that all (or most) women are toxic! That’s awesome, you made a real breakthrough here, congratulations.
Thank you , the only way a relationship will work for me is the girl wears my shoes like I wear hers , if she isn’t capable of doing that than to me their is no point in being in a relationship with someone is the way I look at it , we can’t force someone to love us but we can guide , when guiding starts To feel like you are controlling someone than that won’t work , we shouldn’t have to control anyone to feel loved and valued , the problem that arises is most people become selfish and only really care for Themselves and do what’s best for them while ignoring the fact on how their partner will feel and that’s where most conflicts come into play in a relationship, so the only way a relationship will work for me is if she is able to remove selfishness for me the same way I do for her , if not it’s a waste of time
@Finchie40 Good luck finding the right woman for you. I do believe that there is always someone out there for everyone. We just need to find that person, and it helps if we are not in a relationship with “Mr./Miss Wrong, when Mr./Miss Right shows up! Good luck and take care.
Thank you , and yes I am still on the hunt , I am mainly seeking a younger girl , I have my reasonings behind it , age really never mattered to me considering I it’s about the chemistry and connection and attraction and yes she has to be of legal age of course but age has never been something that I held over someone , but lately with my experiences I am leaning into younger girls
@Finchie40 Okay, seriously? You are 44 years old… You will NEVER find an 18 y/o soulmate (“she has to be of legal age of course”), you WILL, however, find a LOT of gold diggers! Being a woman who was 18 less than 10 weeks ago, who’s every single friend is within 9 months of my age, I can tell you that we are generally repulsed at the idea of being with a middle aged man! (Who by the way, we consider VERY old men!) The one friend I have who WOULD date an old man (who happens to be dating an asshole now) would date the old guy because in her words (“who cares, their sex drive is low to begin with, and as long as he buys me a condo and a new car every year… sure why not f**k him once or twice a week”!) she isn’t a very close friend. There are so many wonderful women in their 30s who chose a career over a family who are looking for love now. They have so much to offer, so much to give and yet you wouldn’t even give them a chance! This is such a shame, I genuinely thought you truly wanted to find that one special person you could spend the rest of your life with. When in fact, you just wanna screw teenage girls! That is such a shallow, small minded attitude. Why can middle-age men not just except the fact that you have outgrown teenage girls? I am surrounded by teenage girls every day, I’m 19 myself… I AM a teenager and even a cannot stand talking to most of them because they’re vapid airheads who care more about their shoes than their fellow man! This is so sad, to know that you will never find true love, just one transactional encounter after the next.
The chances of me ending up with an 18 year old or 19 etc is a little far fetched but not saying it isn’t possible , I am just saying that age doesn’t really matter to me , I am saying I just prefer a younger girl, younger than me , if a girl was just after me for money and using me I would eventually catch on to that and not take her seriously , I would probably fuck her but it would just be sex , and then I’d move on so for me to give myself completely to someone and commit to her the chemistry and connection and the respect is what matters , if she makes me a priority like I make her , and we value each other , so a girl that plays me and treats me like a convenience wouldn’t last long with me I would move on and realize I couldn’t commit to someone like that , I am not the type to just jump into a relationship it takes 2 for it to work, but dating to me is a different story , dating is just getting to know each other while. still being open with really no strings attached , I am not saying I jump into bed with every girl I m dating. but it does happen and if I os happen then my focus is just her and taking things slow , I don’t run out and go screw other girls , that’s not my style but I don’t commit to someone until I know they really want to commit to me , it just comes down to the connection and chemistry I have with them , and seeing if you both connect and value each other , I jumped in bed with girls that I thought wanted a deeper connection to realize they just wanted sex, it happens , so again committing myself to a girl takes time and for her to gain my trust I have to gain hers
@Finchie40 Finch, when you use the disclaimer (legal age only) you are saying that you want as young as possible w/o going to prison. You cannot possibly believe that you will EVER have an actual connection with a girl less than half your age… a REAL connection? It’s never going to happen. And it’s not IF she’s after your money, if you are with and 18yo, she is 100% after your money (assuming you have any). And yes I absolutely understand why you like young girls… what I cannot figure out is how you can write so beautifully about wanting a real human connection, then say you are looking for an 18 year old? Look, to us, thirty is old… THIRTY! Can you not remember what it was like when you were 18? Thirty year olds are old people to us! 44 year olds are like grandparents. (Yes, I’m aware of the math, I’m just saying that when I (and my peers) see a 44 y/o, the thought of sex with them is… well it’s gross. And I promise you that is not a personal attack, it’s just how 18 and 19 yo think about sex with old people. I truly wished for you to find the right woman and be happy, but I’m sorry, if you are holding out for a teenager, then as well as being alone at 44, you will also be a very lonely 50y/o as well. I truly do hope you change your mind, and start looking for someone more age appropriate. Good luck Finchie.
I am not holding out for an 18 or 19 year old , you misunderstood what I was saying I just don’t hold age as a deciding factor is where I am getting at I m just seeking a younger girl then me , so yes more that’s likely it will be with a girl in her 30’s
I think fair in a marriage is subjective… do we want to be fair or do we want to have a good relationship and go away together. The wife had plenty of notice and she could have chosen to save her money (assuming she didn’t use her spending money for needs not wants) but is the husband doing more than making a point going away on vacation without his wife while pointing out she could have come? Is this about more than money or is she overspending everywhere and he’s tired of it?
My husband and I have the same financial arrangement, we pool everything and get personal spending money. If we want a holiday it comes out of our savings or we each put some of our spending money into savings so we’re both working towards it. This scenario just seems so combative
If it's about what's ultimately fair, I think what the husband did is fair. He gave a good heads-up that she should save if she plans to go on vacation with him, and he saved his own money to go while she spent hers.
I always thought fairness is a childish concept though. The goal should not be to seek out the fairest of actions but the actions that have the most positive effects on the health of the relationship.
I don't think going on vacations without our spouses is very good for the health of the relationship, so I might absorb some degree of unfairness on her part and still take her with me. If she's gracious and the type of woman I would marry and stay married to in the first place, she will make it up to me somehow in the future with her own sacrifices.
So I voted to take her, not because it's fair, but because I think that's the best thing for the relationship. In fact, I might have started out saving for us both just in case. Yet if she's the type of woman I would marry, then she's not the type who keeps track of what is fair or unfair, just as I don't, and she will also do things on my behalf that involve absorbing some degree of unfairness at her cost.
If she has poor saving habits, I might also try to teach her better habits in the future. It doesn't take much to set aside a little bit of money each month in a savings account, and it's a very useful discipline to have not only for vacations but emergencies that could occur.
You know, a judge trying to settle a civil dispute between a couple in a courtroom and looking at what's most fair in this sort of cold way might get people their due rewards and due punishments, but it doesn't exactly bring the couples closer together. So that's not the right way to judge relationships as I see it if the goal is to bring them closer together. For that, we have to look at things more like a counselor questioning what's best for the relationship.
I think this is a good learning experience. It's called communication even though that they are married and they are a couple he's been saving for all this time for the best vacation ever now I'm sure they had to talk about it and about going together but she should have been putting money away for it I think what should happen now is they should wait another year or six months and she should start putting away some money to take the whole burden off of him and then the next time they want to vacation they can both save up and go to the place that she wants to go but I mean I wouldn't leave my wife at home because well I take that back LOL laughing my ass off right now. You know I understand his point and this is something the guy wanted to do forever and he's being held back in a lot of different ways and that's not fair to him when she knew what was going to happen anyway I say just to keep the peace they wait another six months before they go
No. Her laziness and bad money management should not be his fault. And usually, only women can get away with this BS. If it was the other way around, everyone would rightfully be calling the guy irresponsible and a bum. Why should it be any difference with the wife? She really needs to grow up and respect her man. She sound pathetic to try to pull some crap like this.
Even though she messed up her money, going alone while you have your love waiting (waiting angrily) at home is not something I would do.
Unfortunately there is no way to fix someone's money spending habits. If it were to buy something for only myself, i wouldn't give her money because she spent all of it. However, the least I can do is not to feel her excluded from my life.
If she wanted to go, they should have put the activity in their joint budget. Her feelings are unreasonable. She shouldn't have said anything besides "I hope you have a great time."
I would have a hard time being married to her. I doubt this is the first time she has done something like this -- said one thing clearly, then whined about it later.
It is a redflag when your husband/wife wants to have a vacation alone. Even if i was rich and could afford many vacations unlike my potential husband, I would still pay his vac. too or dont go anywhere. Both are wrong. They are married couples and not friends with benefits
He didn't WANT to take a vacation alone. He WANTED her to come, and repeatedly told her to save money. She CHOSE to spend her money instead - and then wanted HIM to pay her way. Neither of them were rich. She just didn't want to have to make any sacrifices, and still wanted to enjoy all of the benefits.
I did not say she is not wrong. Both are wrong And HE WILL GO ALONE IN THE END. Will he wait for her to save her too? Yes it was stupid what she did? Even if i saved a lot but my man did not , i would not go anywhere. Are you not one of the guys who does not want girls go alone with friends on a vocation but now stfu and dont act like it it is ok to go alone on vocation when you are married.
If i remember correct i saw one of your posts that are against girls with partners going alone on a vocation etc if it was not one of your posts, then I am sorry
Not to be a jerk, but it kind of seems like she expected him to take her with. My big problem is that she didn't save anything. Not even a few hundred short. A marriage is an equal partnership, if she can't work with him saving for a trip, what else can she not work with him on.
Why wouldn't they have talked about it before hand? If it was a joint account it was their money not his. If he was planning a solo vacation he should have told her. For a couple that has a joint account and budget together it would appear that they do not communicate very well.
He DID tell her. She just didn't want to stop spending HER money on herself so that she could save up for her share, and then STILL expected to get to go. His intention was never to go on the vacation alone - it was for her to save up money so they could go together. She just had different priorities.
Joint vacation savings and then their own money separate. She should have saved but he shouldn't have assumed. They're both wrong. I wouldn't be going on vacation alone, just as I'd feel rejected if she wanted to go on vacation alone. It would be a problem. Lack of communication and assumptions and selfishness. All issues that need to be dealt with
If she didn't save and wants to go that means she is not financially responsible and he should be in charge of all the money and just cut her a tiny spending allowance and manage both of their savings himself. This is what id require if i was to bring her on vacation and cut it short to afford her with me. Otherwise she can fuck off ill be on the beach without her.
When you wife is a spendthrift, you have to enjoy the fruits of your labor and savings in a way that is not very noticeable to her or your gonna have problems. Money is very important in a marriage. If you can't get aligned on money or sex, you are screwed
put off the vacation for a short time and remind her if she wants to go she must save her own money. If she doesn't he will go without her. He could continue to save and what he saves between now and then he could help her out if she did save some too.
Depends on what the intent of saving for the vacation was... I mean if he thinks he would have a better time without her then he should consider saving that money for the divorce and forego the vacation for now.
Entitlement is her issue. I don't care how it turned out later. Take her or don't, she's still going to feel the same way, and still spend like it's ALL her money to do with as she pleases.
Has nothing to do with fair. If he loves her it's obvious that he should figure out how to make it happen. Going without her is not an option unless it's time for him to move on.
If he really made it clear that it was his plan then I think it is fair if he'd go. I'd do the same, it is only two weeks after all. Can go on another cheaper trip within the budget of my partner.
Home > Relationships > Polls > A husband saved all his money for a vacation, while his wife did not, and now she wants to go. What do you think is fair?
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