I’ve been seeing this guy for a while now. He always tell me how he doesn’t deal with anyone and how he does not have any family. He’s pretty much a loner. When I asked him about his past relationship’s he would say they didn’t work out because the females cheated on him. I asked him what it was he wanted and was looking for. He said to be happy with someone he could trust and build a future with. Me being myself would invite him over, cook for him and try to be nurturing and loving. He would push away and not want to cuddle then want too or then say I love you but then say it’s all different for me because I’m tying to be better but I’m messed up inside. I have pulled away and started calling him less because he’s like a mystery. He would contact me saying “I’m sorry I love you and I’m trying and I’m not use to this.” This seems to happen often with him. His actions are everywhere he’s into me then he’s pulling away and I am over it. What I’m looking for in a relationship is definitely not what he’s probably looking for even though he says it is. I was trying to be something different for him but it’s not working.
Try to work it out with him
Move on to find better
Select gender and age to cast your vote:
Please select your age
Updates
+1 y
Appreciate you
Updates
+1 y
🤣 appreciate it
Why do guys say they want a good decent women then get her and change up?
Beauty and money can attract people but it does not win their loyalty, behavioural compatibility is the only source of loyalty that is effective with guys who want to get married or be in long term relationships. Careful women often get told this from their grandparents so they will work hard at their jobs when their pretty enough to attract rich men who will pay for everything and do all the work. And sometimes the guy does not care about your job, he might want you to cook and clean instead, but you can’t attract a guy without fulfilling some essential purpose in his life.
He was not very specific in what he wants/expects. Basically the only thing he said was to have someone he could trust/not get cheated on. That didn't include long term life goals (wanting kids or not, where to live, etc.) anything in common they want to do and enjoy with a partner besides just intimacy/sexual stuff, it didn't include specific morals or examples of what he expects in a partner. It didn't include the expected roles each person would have within a relationship, what is and what is not acceptable behavior, etc.
He left a lot of details out. Maybe he isn't even sure of what he really wants. You could bring up all of those kinds of questions to see if you two are actually compatible or not.
2
1 Reply
Asker
+1 y
Agreed, I did that and saw that we want some of the same things. He has trust issues so some things he need help with for his self.
Great write up and it seems so clear. He wants connection but his inner sub conscious is fear, lack of worth, shame. Strong emotions. He has to heal inside on his own doing… nothing you can do other than encourage and accept. His emotional reaction is coming from his wounds which he must take responsibility for to give you what you want.
So you are willing to work with him being patient, tolerate and hope for best which may never improve…or you aren’t.
These issues are exposed in intimate relationships and it’s the best time to make effort to correct the inner person (s) and grow.
2
3 Reply
Asker
+1 y
You nailed it! Great response 🙌🏽 I agree and appreciate it.
I’ve had my own issues with intimacy and attachment and fear of women and such so I. An relate. I got through them w help of my now wife and there’s always more growth to go. But much better. It is possible but he has to see it and want to get to a better place. Some people don’t or won’t face their inner “demons”.
Why then? Because they are screwed up emotionally from traumas and poor training in early life by caregivers
Very true and he did mention he’s been through a lot of pain and hurt and he’s messed up inside from it. He said that’s why he don’t trust anyone and he’s always been a loner.
I'm in the same boat as you sadly... my man keeps saying he loves me so much but at the same time he's super scared about love so he keeps pushing me away and the regrets in and comes back chasing after me. It gets confusing af. I think these guys have some unresolved issues and trauma from the past (especially if your guy have been cheated on multiple times). You definitely need to be extra patient with him but if he's not showing any attempts at trying to fix himself then don't waste your time
1
5 Reply
Asker
+1 y
I can relate! It’s crazy because I care about him but it’s like either you want this or you don’t. Then he says I don’t want you with anyone else 🙄
Omg girl literally same, it gets exhausting… I think you need to be the one making the decision for him since he’s still having trouble with it himself. Hopefully it’ll be a wake up call for him. He needs time to work on his issues by himself
girls do this too. It's sometimes different things, so not always, but often abandonment issues, so they do this sort of self sabotage thing where they push you away or test you to see if you'll stay even if they are pushing you away, or if they are acting poorly. It's internally a test, "If they can't handle me at my worst, then they'll bail someday anyway." But it turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy unless you want to be patient, or if you can have good communication and maintain the relationship by modifying the intimacy. But if you are wanting an "all or nothing" relationship like most people, it's best to just bow out.
Never change yourself for a man. I had a woman I was dating... she was never able to be the person she though I wanted, but the more she tried (without me asking her to change) the more lost she became... in the end, she went back to her abusive Ex and I've felt guilty ever since even though she came to me at a time I wasn't looking for a relationship and broke down my walls and won my heart (even if I was her ride out of a bad situation, I didn't care)... In the end she just hurt herself trying so hard to change herself overnight into someone else "for me" and really, all I wanted was for her to be happy... Mostly I just hate it for her daughter (not mine, her Ex's)... who is going to grow up in a household of violence and abuse.
1
1 Reply
Asker
+1 y
Wow, I do believe that some people enter your life momentarily and then it comes to and end.
How dare you act like wife to someone that is merely your boyfriend. Nu uh don't be doing that. It makes men not value you and take you for granted when you do more than the role requires all the time.
From the details provided it sounds like you tried to' fix him' which isn't your place to do. It's his and always will be.
Furthermore, his push- pull behavior is a red flag. You should leave him asap so he can sort himself out and you too can too and reflect on why you feel this urge to take on the mother role in relationships? It's not good. As you will keep attracting broken people like your current ex who seem to have no intention on wanting to heal themselves.
Happiness in a relationship should be found with little effort. They should be your safe place to come home to. The least amount of friction in your day. Always have your back, even when making stupid choices yourself. If you don’t have that, keep looking.
Does he love you more after 3 days of going without sex❓ Does he have “these issues” about 15 minutes are sex is finished❓
I knew some women that were like that. 1. Feed them well 2. don’t ask too many questions AND 3. take the love/attention that I give you before my bell is going to get 🛎 . -Don’t have to deal with that 💩 anymore ‼️
I think u tried to work out... and now it is point where u are questioning to even try... so id say end but in good terms if possible... n make him understand your side of story... the decision is yours at the end cuz yk yourself more than any of us... be patient with whatever u decide... maybe it takes days still let it take time
if you have tried to talk it out and work it out first, then i would part ways if nothing changes on either side. its hard to tell some guys and girls are on their best behavior to get you then the true them comes out
Your last two sentences- IMO- really answered your own question. 1. He's confused about relationships, the give-and-take of it all, etc 2. You said you tried to be "something different for him", if you were to continue with him, your relationship would be a lie anyway. Just be yourself, and if he can't accept that, start boyfriend shopping again.
He is not ready for a relationship. Sounds like he has attachment issues that he needs to work on. All I have to say is don’t stay thinking you can change him.
He's hurt from past relationships but he needs to man up and stop being a little b... and accept that life is full of fake people and cheaters but that doesn't mean all apples are rotten.
Give him an ultimatum: i will support you if you decide to get better. I can't stand a crybaby boyfriend.
This may look like a dick move but this will force him out of his shell (assuming you can actually support him through the process. If you can't, just leave)
You are giving up on this relationship at the first hurdle, in what sense has this guy found a good woman?
1
1 Reply
Asker
+1 y
Trust me I was so thinking that but it’s so damn frustrating with the back and forth and him in it and then pulling away. Who knows if he even truly really wants it.
Well what do you expect from a loner, they are not used to have to take other people into account. So either you have some real patience with this guy until he settle into the new life or you will have to look elsewhere.
he can feel that you're bullshitting him. you asked him to tell you what he wants so you can be a proper female chameleon and project onto him the ideal woman of his imagination. If he's smart enough he won't fall for it and dump you.
