He told me that they had kind of a toxic relationship, it lasted just few months, she told him that she didn't love him anymore and left, yet it bothers me so much because I'm not his first everything and I want to prove to myself and to him that I'm so much better than she is even tho I'm comparing myself to the woman I've never met. He also keeps mentioning her now and then, what she did that I don't do, he wants me to visit the city where she lives but I refused etc and those things just make me even angrier.
How to accept the fact that my boyfriend had a relationship before me?
First of all that kind of thinking is complete BS! I was with a guy where I was his first for almost everything and it crushed me when I wasn't, wanting to be someone's first for everything because it's "special" is a really toxic mindset, it compelled me to stay with a terrible toxic person for years because I didn't want to be with someone that things weren't "special" with, I was a complete idiot. Being someone's first isn't important, if you want things to be special then make it special, do fun and meaninful things together that you'll both enjoy and remember. The secret to things being special is just be yourself, if someone likes you then anything you do with them will be special even the simple little things. You need to stop comparing yourself to his ex, if he wanted to be with his ex or someone like his ex then he would be, but he is with you which means he wants to be with you. Look realistically at your age, this isn't going to be your last relationship and you can't go through life worrying about peoples past and comparing yourself to it, it's not healthy and you'll drive yourself crazy like that. Just think about what I've said, if after trying what mentioned you still can't handle your relationship, then it might be for the best that you don't date anyone until you can work on yourself and work through your issues. I know it's easier said than done and those are terrible feelings to have and they don't just go away, but trust me it's going to hurt so much more if you don't address the issue. Anyway goodluck, I wish you the best.
If it’s something that really bothers you, maybe he’s not the one. If your mind is 100% set on being with someone who’s never had a girl before you. But just fair warning, like many have mentioned, it’s really hard to find someone like that nowadays. Maybe if you spoke to your boyfriend explaining how you feel, the fact that he keeps bringing up his ex a lot, it will make you feel better. He shouldn’t be bringing her up that much, in my opinion he shouldn’t be at all unless absolutely necessary. Do you think you would feel better if he stopped mentioning her? The more details you find out about their relationship, the more upset you’re going to become.
My partner had a few girls before me and they broke his heart, and all I do is get angry for my boyfriend for how they treated him. I personally can’t say anything anyways because I’ve had probably 6 to 7 fling/relationships with guys before him so… But on a happier note, sometimes it’s nice for people to have a relationship with someone before you because they grow and learn from each person they meet. Then you know what you want in a relationship and the person you wanna spend the rest of your life with. Hope things get better xx
I know your a lot younger than me so your not as far into the world of accepting relationships will be with someone how has had other people they loved before you. It happens you just have to consider they who you are seeing is only kissing, hugging, having sex and generally spending time with you.
My situation is I am divorced so my girlfriend has to understand I've loved someone enough to marry them before her. She has a child from an ex-boyfriend so I accept she is far from being a virgin and when I entered into a relationship I had to understand that there are 2 people involved.
So how does this affect me: - She tells me she has never felt for me the same way for anyone else. I feel I want to go the extra mile to help her out. She thinks I can be a great dad to her son and future children. I make it clear I'm going to lean on her a bit for guidance on being a parent.
I think the important thing to do when there is a past relationship involved is be open about it and remember any memories he has he wants to start replacing them with new memories with you. And avoid phrases like "my ex didn't do that" or any other comparative phrases.
Your attitude will kill the relationship! If they went to the grocery store together, will you start refusing to go to the grocery store? If they went to the beach when they were dating, will you acoid the beach for the rest of your life. They probably had sex when they were dating; are you going to stop having sex?
Adult relationships happen between two people who can both accept that their partner has previous partners, previous experiences, otherwise has flaws, and is not a fairytale character who rides a white horse. If you want to keep living your fairytale dream, you will be left behind to cry alone where no one can hear you.
Honestly, I know where you're coming from. I was the same way before I wanted to be his first everything. While I still wouldn't appreciate my man having a high body count, I am more lenient about it now. Not that I'm a big fan of the idea of him having a past before me but still I have come to the point where I am neutral about it.
I realized that you can't be mad at someone for doing things before they ever knew your existence. Also I understand that I've had my fair share of experience in other things even if not physical that my boyfriend doesn't have and it won't always be equal like that, and I've learned to be cool with it. I know that my current relationship is my first physical relationship but in his case I'm not his first, he's had one more girlfriend before... I don't think too much about it.
Also not to say that men are responsible for how we feel, but something about my boyfriend's attitude about his past just dampens any of those feelings of jealousy/possessiveness I would usually feel over my man having a past. He just never gives me a reason to be jealous. I don't know how that happens but it's a thing.
I'd be more concerned that he keeps bringing up his ex, but all you need is a slight change of attitude on how to look at things and I can help with that.
Change your thoughts to realize, that everything you two are doing is a FIRST between the two of you.
Your first kiss, is your first kiss of you and him, the two of you have never kissed before as an example.
The first time you go to a city together, will be YOUR first time with the two of you. After all, the two of you haven't done that before.
Get the idea? you can still have lots of firsts, just change how you look at what you consider a first to be.
Anything and everything the two of you do together, will be your own special firsts.
If you want to be a man's first love, you're severely limiting your choices... especially as you grow older.
It is completely normal to be with someone who had a previous relationship. You should NOT be bothered by this.
However, in my opinion it is reasonable for you to request that he not bring up her name so often, if at all. Likewise, you should resist asking him how you compare to her.
I have always made an effort to not bring up my previous relationships. There is very little positivity that can come from mentioning an ex. In fact, there are plenty of negative consequences that may result - including resentment.
He might not realize you are affected by his mentioning her name, in which case it isn't a big deal - just discuss the issue with him and request he refrain from bringing up her name in conversation. (if he's unwilling to make that effort, then there is a problem!)
I had the same issue with my first boyfriend since I never even hugged any boy before him. That relationship was just toxic and it ended a few months ago after eight years of knowing each other and a six year courtship. I am still a virgin but I wish I never got involved with him because honestly it does kill your innocence. I think the first time you have a relationship you really give it your all and I hope I’ll be able to give all that and more when I get married.
If you’re bothered by it and you’re a virgin then perhaps it is him who is the issue and making you insecure. Break up with him and marry someone who is the same as you and never been with anyone.
I understand jealousy as I have struggled with it myself. First, I have to ask, how much does he talk about her? If he constantly does it may be a warning sign he is not over her. If it is only occasionally, he may just be sharing facts about his past life with you.
Remember, he is with you for a reason! Because he likes you and wants to be with YOU. Everyone has a past, and it doesn't mean that you aren't special because you are not his firsts. You are special because he loves you and has likely never felt this way about anyone.
Jealousy can kill a relationship. If he wants to go to the city where she lives to see her that is wrong, but if he just wants to show you around that city there is no issue!
I would try talking to a therapist about jealousy, I have done that in the past and it helps :)
You drop it that was then. This now don't focus on the love that he had focused on the love that he has right now focus on him right now not somebody that I used to be as he grew who even cares that's a waste of time if you want to spend time to spend time how to try to make it better not how to go into a negative state to what I'm trying to say is you just have to accept it and let it go you are now the chosen one you are now the girl live like that girl become that girl become of you if you happy let it all go it doesn't mean anything and if you really really really have to go there and make that we'll just keep doing what you're doing because probably in a few months you will be that X if you don't let it go life is so short why does anybody want to create chaos if it's not in nobody's business except for his and hers just like your and his business is only about you and him is nobody else's business
Don't be with him to prove a point! Be with him because you love him! You may be not his first, but his last. Take pride in that.
Although it would make me uncomfortable hearing him mention her name, it can not be helped to compare one relationship with the past! Especially if you're not a toxic partner. Because all he understood on what a relationship is supposed to look like will be shattered before him and he needs to learn how a healthy relationship looks! So I don't blame him.
What I will say next applies to the both of you.
Comparison is the thief of joy!
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Anonymous
(36-45)
+1 y
We all have pasts, and if you're really 21 and your boyfriend is around the same age, it's not realistic to think that you'll be his first everything. You can't let all those thoughts of his past affect your relationship now.
Having said that though, I would also feel unsure about things if my boyfriend kept bringing up his ex. It's a warning sign that he might not be totally over her. When someone is over their ex, they don't bring them up in everyday conversation. As far as visiting the city where she lives, what was the purpose of that? Was that the reason he wanted you to go to that city? Or do you just happen to know she lives there and in an entirely different conversation, he mentioned going to that city? It's possible you're reading much more into things than is really there.
So we've got two things in play here. First, why does it so disturb you that you're not his "first everything"? And second, if he keeps bringing her up and even wanted to visit the city in which she lives, it sounds as though he hasn't worked through this older situation yet and isn't ready for a new one.
The way I look at things we're all people. People are not perfect we make mistakes. And this really applies to more than the question your asking. When you're hurt by someone their actions or words it just means you care about them. You're going to get hurt by the people you thought would never do anything to hurt you. Sorry. The important thing to me is not why they did it but how did they feel when they were doing it. Understanding feelings is key to actually move forward and giving forgiveness. Once you give it tho you can never for lack of a better term "throw it in their face" ever again, it doesn't mean forget it happened. He didn't know you existed before and it's ok bc now he does so ask him how he feels about you. If he's spending time with you then that's where he wants to be nothing else should matter. Be happy in those moments
You're already insecure and you're torturing yourself that you're not his first? Gal, you're 21. Lots of guys will have had relationships before yours. It's only gonna become more true.
There's stuff here you really need to work out before you're truly ready to love another person. Insecurity will ruin the botho of your happiness.
Think how you would feel if the shoe were on the other foot... you had a previous relationship and he didn't. Would you want to have a relationship with him? What should be more important is your relationship now, and what it might be in the future. The past is the past, no one can change it.
Let it go and stop comparing yourself with his ex! That's very unhealthy so just focus on you and him in the present moment and future. What your doing right now is definitely going to have a negative effect on your relationship sooner or later so it's better just to accept his past with his ex and don't worry about that because now he is with you so focus on that!✌️
Okay- so you date this guy and it doesn't work out. Then you want to date somebody else. This new guy has never dated before and it drives him crazy that you dated somebody else before him. How would that make you feel? Dating people is like an audition. People try each other on for size. Sometimes you have to try on a few pairs of shoes before you find one that fits. You really should not be concerned about this. It is pretty much the way the world is.
Why not? Everybody has had some rough patches in their lives. It's pretty normal. I mean I understand you. But you have to understand not everyone is on your time line and when we are getting older we meet people from all the experience levels. We have to accept that unfortunately.
That he had a relationship before you is irrelevant. That he can't seem to let her go is troublesome and approaches disrespecting you. He needs to either let her go completely to be with you... or you leave. It's not fair to you. He needs to commit already or move on. Sorry he's not being who he should be. Good luck.
"I'm not his first" -- Grow the F up. High school is over, and life is not a Disney movie. You are 21. You aren't likely to be anyone's first. If you are, it's likely that they are a bit shy or awkward.
It sounds like he is not over her and you are his rebound relationship. You aren't doing anything wrong and don't need to change. He needs to totally get over her or get back with her.
Oh I had the same problem my boyfriend was in 3 relationships before me and was not a virgin before me. I guess you’ll just have to accept it it takes time though most guys though 20+ are not virgins at all
and when you quit a job , the business continues to run. When you quit a church , the church doesn't close down either. The world continues to turn whether you are here or not.
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