When asking for some “space” in a relationship how short of a time is enough?

[Anonymous]

Let’s say your S. O. says that they needed some space to think about their issues that are affecting the relationship but at the same time they said that they don’t want to be away from you for too long. Would giving them a couple of days (up to a week) suffice? How soon is too soon to assume that things are back to normal?

A few hours

1 - 7 Days

A couple of weeks

Months

None at all

Other

[DaveJord]

For me when ever someone asks for space in a relationship its a HUGE Red Flag!!!

I totally believe that when two people meet and its meant to be then they find constructive ways to work though their issues as couple in a productive way TOGETHER. When someone pulls this crap on me I say thanks, take all the time you want, but know I will not just sit around waiting on you to figure your shit out. Because your basically telling me that you want to be in a relationship with me, by not being together with me or only when you think you're ready on your terms. That's not really fair to me. So it really means the other person is not ready to be dating, and I am not going to date some one that needs space, while they linger around in my life on their terms, without respecting my needs and wants.

I am not just going to sit around and wait on you to straighten yourself out, not knowing what your issues are because that would drive me crazy and I don't like that level of stress or anxiety within a relationship or in my life in general. Its 100% selfish.

So like I say when two people meet and they are meant to be together they find ways to make it as easy as possible to be together. This person would obviously be too complicated for me, and I don't need people like that in my life. I mean think about it, in a real grown up relationship, there will always be bumps in the road... so you're telling me that this person thinks the best way to deal with it is to withdraw from the relationship for a period of time so they can focus on themselves? Does that sound like someone you would want to continue dating?

[Asker]

I think you might be confusing space with a “break”. I agree with you tho, taking a break is utter bs - what’s the point of being together if they’re just gonna leave you hanging and leaving you unsure about the entire relationship.

But what I mean by space is basically just like some “alone time”, we’re still gonna be in a relationship nothing’s changed except that we would take some more time to ourselves instead of spending every single day together and texting/calling every single day - just to have some room to breathe.

[DaveJord]

Ahhh... gotcha

[dynamicyandere]

The length of time for space depends on how long do they need to clear their head. I can only speak from my personal experience but, usually 1-3 days has always been enough. But, a common understanding that should be communicated is that as soon as your heads are clear, you should start talking again so you can work things out together with a clear head.

[Asker]

That’s very reasonable. My boyfriend and I are currently both taking space for ourselves bc we’ve each been overwhelmed with our personal issues. For me personally I agree with you that 1-3 days (no contact) will do. But he seems to want at least a month (with contact, and still meeting up like normal just slightly less often) so I’m a bit confused

[dynamicyandere]

At least a month seems a bit long in my opinion. Maybe you can ask him why does he feel like that much time is needed. What does he want to sort out or figure out during that time? I just hope he’s going to use that time productively and that this isn’t just trying to escape from something he doesn’t want to work through.

When I take 1-3 days to process something for example, I put all my mental and emotional energy into it—I don’t distract myself with anything else—I focus on working through my thoughts and feelings until I reach clarity or calm.

[Asker]

He wants me to take at least a month bc he doesn’t want me to come to a decision to hastily. I agree with your thought process tho, I also like to dedicate my all within a short period of time to process everything hence why I asked for no contact. He on the other hand wants me to slowly mull over everything while still meeting up with him like usual - which I feel would be less effective.

[dynamicyandere]

Got it. At least the goal is the same. At the end of the day, what’s important is that you both reach that destination of mental clarity and are able to sort things out together and figure out what’s best for the relationship.

[Asker]

I hope that day will come sooner than later. Thank you so much for sharing your opinion, you’ve given me a new perspective to look at. Much appreciated!

[dynamicyandere]

You’re very welcome. I wish you the best. 😊

[Vickymoore9]

I would ask what it’s about maybe I’m being a bitch about something and they deserve some space lol. I give them the time as that’s happened to me before with people in general. I like to know what it’s about so I can use that time to think about it as well. If we are in a trust issues in a relationship I ain’t giving much time like maybe a few hours at most and he gotta be someone I really like. I had guys not trust or feel insecure about a guy friend I’ve had before. There are times I can tell this guy just is so insecure this is going to be a continuous issues with every guy. I call it as it is and say let’s just move on our own ways and call it quotes. Their are times I ask questions and have to make adjustments how I am around other guys. Like my boyfriend now he doesn’t get jealous about anything I do who I talk to or go to lunch with. But from a former boyfriend I learned not to go alone with another guy out to drink and what would be considered a couple type things.

[Asker]

Oh man, I’m dealing with insecurities and trust issues with an ex lol Just still unsure about the “proofs” that have been laid out on the table so some space is needed to process everything… I don't know who to trust

[Vickymoore9]

“If you don’t have trust you don’t have anything” I’m sure you heard that quote before trust is the foundation of any relationship my boss even told me in my job. If your feeling this way the best thing is to move forward to a heathy relationship.

[Asker]

Yeah 😔 I will give myself some time to see if I can find a way to rebuild the trust otherwise there’s no point in continuing this relationship. Thanks a bunch for the advice, I wish you the best! 💕

[Vickymoore9]

I problem be strong

[Xoxocutekitty]

Unless there's a medical emergency, death, change of employment, change of location (travelling or moving), or some extenuating circumstance, I think everything should resolve itself within 3 days.

Most people only need a few hours to 'cool off' and then maybe another hour to sit down and come up with a coherent action response plan. Sometimes work gets in the way, from immediate communication but hours, not days.

Most healthy couples resolve things within 24 hours because they prioritize fixing the issue. If someone is okay letting an issue go unchecked for 3 days then they are clearly not prioritizing the relationship and do not value the other person's time or emotional well-being.

[Asker]

I agree I think 3 days is just right preferably with minimal contact. The thing is with my situation, the conflict has been resolved but one of us is feeling super insecure about the relationship and needs some time to reflect whether or not they can take control of their own insecurity.

[coachTanthony]

zero space. We work on this together we don't take breaks. A break is a break up in my opinion.

[Asker]

Yeah I don’t agree with breaks but “space” is entirely different in my book. It’s just taking some alone time like how people sometimes like to do their hobbies alone not with their partner

[ChillaxingLove]

A few hours is okay not days apart

[Asker]

@ChillaxingLove what if an important decision has to be made (not about breaking up)?

[coachTanthony]

You don't get radio silence when you're married. Imagine something that needs to be decided as a couple and you say Oh I need radio silence for 3 days... why would he ever marry someone like that?

[Asker]

That’s a fair point, never thought about it that way. Thanks!

[mermaidcancermoon]

couple weeks for me

issues dont magically resolve over the course of a day or 2. The space to think is solely to come up with a personal plan, on the action that needs to be taken. It takes 6-18months to actually work through those issues its not a light switch action. Habits have to be broken and the long term future has to be considered carefully. I consider the space as an area thats off limits for discussion until a decision has been made. Can check in on each other, but cozying up is a no.

[Asker]

Yeah that’s true, no one can magically change over night. For me though, I can make a decision within a 3 day period (with the help of my therapist) but like you said, it’s gonna take a while to break old habits and work through the issues. So I’m not sure if I should immediately come back after I’m set with my decision and work on the issues together or just completely do everything on my own…

[Bob92220]

I was dating a woman who I liked a lot. She said she has become really busy and would like some time to catch up on things. So we just texted each other, however, her texts were always short.

I called her two weeks later and she told me she is in a new relationship and is no longer available.

It seems to me if a person SO is interested in finding a new relationship that person will do it regardless of how much "space" they need.

[Asker]

Well that’s messed up and unfair to you… she should’ve communicated her intentions clearly and not leave you hanging only to get with someone new behind your back. That sucks and you deserve better.

[Wubs3000]

I would say ok and that they should just talk to me like normal whenever they are ready again, and that they could talk to me about the issues anytime if they wanted.
Then just wait for them to talk to you again. Past like a week I would probably engage though

[Asker]

This is exactly how I would approach it as well, thanks for sharing!

[Ms_Facesitter]

I'm actually against 'space' that usually means the end of a relationship, because you can't work it out on the spot. There will be times where you can't just run away from your problems and let them sit there.
If for some extreme reason, and I mean extreme I need space I can think of taking a few days all for myself to think everything through. A friend of mine is going through something and he will call me for advice in a week, he'll be using the time to be on his own.

[Asker]

I personally think having your own “space” is healthy, now taking a “break” from a relationship I don’t agree with at all. I also think that communication is key when it comes to giving your partner space, sometimes it’s healthy to back off for a bit and cool down after an argument so that you can go back and solve the issue with a clear head 😌

[Ms_Facesitter]

A yes yes I confuse the two. A break is alarming to say the least, how long would clearing the head last though?

[Asker]

Yep for sure, I personally don’t see anything good coming out from taking a break. I think a couple of days would do, like 1-3 days max. If it’s too long I feel like it’s unfair to leave the other partner hanging

[Ms_Facesitter]

Totally, he's only going to have questions if you live him in the cold without any contact.

[Asker]

Couldn’t agree more. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. Best wishes to you!!

[dustybiker]

Depends on the issue. Just be clear how much space is needed. Details can help a lot. Especially if the other person is confused you might be taking something so severely.

[Asker]

Perfectly good advice, thanks!

[sawno]

I'm an introvert so i do need space relatively frequently especially if i am going trough a hard time. But its always just a few hours unless it has a medical reason.

[Asker]

I completely understand that, I am an introvert myself so I sometimes even need a whole day of space but I was just wondering just how much space is too much. Do you think a few days is still okay?

[sawno]

For my partner it isn't, she is an extrovert so she is hurting when i take space that long. Only happens in dire situations where my health would collapse if i spent more energy and it has not happened for months now since i am healing beyond the point that is needed.

Its going to be unique for everyone, so make sure you communicate your needs with your partner clearly and make sure that you know theirs as well.

[Asker]

Ah that makes sense. My boyfriend is also more of an extrovert but fortunately he understands the concept of needing space. The thing is we have different definitions of what constitutes as “space”. He’s saying that a few months is fine bc we’re going to still see each other but to me when I need space it means that I need time completely away from him lol

I will have another discussion with him just so that we’re in the same page. I think I’m gonna tell him that I need a few days of no contact while he also has his space. Thanks for the insight!

[Asker]

Also quick question, what do you personally mean when you need space? Do you go no contact to enjoy some alone time? Or do you just see each other less frequently?

[teglas]

It's based on how the relationship went, and for me (even though i never had a girlfriend) i would find it strange to have a "break" to begin with if you still want me. It feels like you want to mess around with other people and then come back to me like nothing ever happened

[Asker]

It’s not a break just some space away from each other, we’re still gonna be dating but we’re going to spend less time together for the time being while we each process the issue individually. I do agree that a “break” is more often than not just an excuse for people to mess around tho lol

[teglas]

Ah. Then i can kinda understand space in some degree. Most people need space from a lot of things. Work, their hobbies, family members and even their spouse's. I wouldn't sweat it too much, if he/she truly likes you he'll be back to normal in no time

[Asker]

Yeah I completely understand the need for space bc I do need time too from time to time. I just don’t know how much space is “too much”. Do you think a few days of space is good enough?

[TommyMountainFigure]

I tell them to take as long as they need to be away. But if I decide I like being apart, I will end things. So the ball is entirely in their court!

[Asker]

Do you normally cut all contact and communication when they/you ask for space?

[TommyMountainFigure]

That is entirely up to them. I let them make the rules seeing as it is they who wish for the break. If they contact me I will talk to them, if not.. I won't.

[Asker]

Oh awesome so you’re respecting their boundaries, thanks for the insight. Appreciate it!

[TommyMountainFigure]

You're very welcome.. glad to help.

[spartan55]

He asked for the space, so that means you don't get to decide how long the break is.

[Asker]

It was actually me who asked, he said he’s gonna take some time for himself to while I have my space. He said I can take as much time as I want and that he’ll wait but he doesn’t want to be away for too long. So I’m not sure just how long is too long.

[sheikalana]

I would not tolerate more than a week to re-think my partner's decision. I think it's disrespectful to leave someone hanging for weeks and weeks.

[Asker]

That’s very reasonable and I fully agree with you, it’s unfair to leave your partner in the unknown for way too long but at the same time you also do need to spend some time really taking into account all the considerations for the decision.

[Ninania]

When they ask for space, they need to be the one to initiate contact after. "Space" is relative to each person needing it.

[Asker]

That makes a lot of sense. Thank you for your response!

[Aaditya-Jain]

Ask them how long u want and make a deal that they are faithful in that time and will come back

[Asker]

Yep communication is key!

[Aaditya-Jain]

It sure is

[MountAverage]

Umm, don't you think it's better to ask the person who wanted space?

[Asker]

Me and my boyfriend have a different understanding on the whole idea of “space”. I need 1-3 days max of total radio silence to just focus on processing the issue whereas he wants me to take at least a month to slowly digest the issue but still see each other as normal. So I’m a bit confused as to what counts as normal lol

[MountAverage]

But does it matter what other couple see as normal? This is about you and him and no one else.

[Asker]

That’s a very good point! I’m gonna have another proper discussion with him. Thank you!!

[MountAverage]

You're welcome and good luck!

[maximumpower]

the answer is something you'll have to get from significant other.

[Asker]

That’s very true

[LivingExample]

It is hard to set a time because it depends on how serious the issues are!

[Asker]

Yeah that’s very true!

[PatriceONeal]

0% of women think no time is not enough? if a girl needs a break from me, it's forever, I'm not taking her back. No self respecting man should. Women don't need a break, what does that even mean?

[whiskeyontherocks]

Really hard to say without more information

[Asker]

How long would you personally think is too long? Especially when one partner is feeling too insecure in the relationship and feeling like they’re not good enough

[whiskeyontherocks]

If I personally was insecure in a relationship I’d want more time off like a month

[Asker]

Do you expect there to still be some form of communication going on or would you prefer radio silence?

[whiskeyontherocks]

I’d be ok with meeting up once in awhile maybe a phone call once a week or if something really important came up being involved but wouldn’t expect any contact

[Asker]

That’s very reasonable. Thanks!

[In_Trance]

Asking for space is code for wants to fuck other people and you to wait around like a chump

[upzdayz]

depends on the person everyone differant

[Asker]

Is asking for some space for only a few days too short in your opinion?

[upzdayz]

whats got you to this spot why do they need this break

[Asker]

He’s been feeling very insecure and he said he needs to get himself sorted out bc he keeps questioning why I want to be with him and it’s not a break, we’re still in a relationship. He said he just needs some time being alone to reflect.

[upzdayz]

why does he feel like he needs a break? like for real what happened what happed for him to need a break it doesn't just usually happen

[Asker]

It’s actually the both of us that needed the space. I’ve been feeling insecure and having trust issues bc of his ex and him talking, he then felt insecure bc he feels like he’s not good enough for me bc he said that there’s nothing going on with him and his ex but I don’t believe him so he feels lost on what to do to make me believe him