'Small talk'. Like me, are you bored to death by it?

[Snsl153]

"... and then she said, 'Like, totally!'"

'Small talk' is chit-chat with friends, acquaintances or strangers about topics that are extremely trivial and just not all that interesting (like the weather, or the tennis results).

[N192K001]

No, not consciously, at least. But (looking back), it seems I may have tended to subconsciously find it pointless, hijack it, and transform it into a what I considered more interesting, insightful, educational, and fact-filled discussion. Unfortunately, others either disagreed with my assessment (s) of the topic (s), and/or subconsciously & intuitively found my hijacking & failure to pick-up on the objective (s) a red-flag. Hence, future discussions with the same person were rare, except for those who really did find my topics interesting, too.

As a diagnosed autist, I ended-up reading on this and found it to be (from what I remember) how the rest of society scans, probes, and sizes-up strangers for their potential in their social-circles, by discovering each others norms in life and searching for commonalities. Pass, and you get a potential position. Fail, and be found of no practical use.

Hence (as I only learned a few years ago), the "correct" answer to "pass" the unannounced quiz was to project a similar (or compatible enough) jive, somehow display potential usefulness, and/or be share similar/compatible enough norms.

Of course, that's assuming the author of the book understood the practice sufficiently enough.

[Snsl153]

Autist? I've never heard that term before. I'm assuming it's not a typo, and you didn't mean "artist".

[N192K001]

"Autism" is the diagnosis given to an "autist" who is "autistic" (since medical professionals don't diagnose people as "artists").

[Juxtapose]

I'm autistic myself and this was a great breakdown that made me rethink the answer I was going to put where I would have disparaged small talk.

[Snsl153]

@Juxtapose You can disparage small talk if you want, because I hate it too. It's just... I just don't get it. It makes no sense to me, it seems such a pointless exercise.

[N192K001]

@Juxtapose I'm glad my response helped, then. Until I read Ian Ford's 2010 book A Field Guide to Earthlings: An Autistic/Asperger View of Neurotypical Behavior, I also thought badly of small-talk. The book opened my eyes to so many incidents, missed opportunities, and mistakes I missed. It even brought clarity to so many of my social-problems. But the 1st part is dull & seemingly-obvious reading to set the foundational assumptions & frameworks of discussion. The middle have his findings supported by his decades of observations, trial, and error. The latter were his latest observations, yet to be confirmed/denied by experience. Unfortunately, no updated version has been published yet. Also, it's mostly observations, not a how-to instructions. (That requires another book, I guess.)

[Emiliamazing]

This is fantastic. You guys are exchanging information that might actually have a positive impact on your lives. Kudos to both of you!

[Juxtapose]

@snsl153 as the original poster of this thread said, small talk is used to scope out commonalities.

[Juxtapose]

@N192K001 for the sake of brevity, can you give me a few pointers you remember that you think would be helpful in everyday conversation? I'm only mildly autistic and pretty well versed in socialization compared to others of my kind.

@emiliamazing as it should be, the world already has enough chaotic nonsense.

[Juxtapose]

Thanks by the way.

[N192K001]

@Emiliamazing 👍 It is my joy to help others!

@Juxtapose Here are some excerpts:
「The main rule of small talk is that it must consist of noncommittal statements about those subjects… They are performing a trial run where they reveal their points of manipulation and identity… During small talk, the people are trying to place others (find out their identity) without committing to anything themselves. There is no need o finish the subject, since the subject is not the point of the communication. It doesn't matter that a controversial subject is used; it just matters that whatever is said about it, the speaker cannot be faulted for taking a stand or being controversial. The more inappropriate the topic is, the more can be learned about the other people.」
…
「It is important to understand about NT small talk that it is NOT just wasting time, or "about nothing." if you tried to mimic it unsuccessfully, it could be that you were talking about nothing, and doing nothing else; they would have found you to be dull in that case. Small talk is active discovery.」

As can be seen, this neutral-voiced book has more of a "scan" of what the others are doing, how they operate, how they see the word, and how that affects us. Any tips & tricks aren't that many… unless you squeeze-out everything you possibly can from the text. (Just the new info has caused me to devise new counter-measures for some problems, though.) I'm trying another book with far more tips (How to Handle Neurotypicals: A Field Survival Guide for the Neurodivergent by Abel Ableson), but this tactic-rich book… I'll just say the author's seething anger, bitterness, and resentment toward everyone else for I'm guessing his lifetime's worth can be felt from the 1st few words of the 1st readable page.

[Adronicus]

Yes but it can be beneficial when expanding your social network; I think its more about being seen spending time with a person + it's good to be on friendly terms. I'd prefer deep philosophical discusions, something I don't get much opportunity to indulge in.

[Pinay_ako]

No I don’t get bored of any talk, small or big as long as it’s not about someone’s ego and bs. That I cannot tolerate. That’s a snoozy for me fr

[Emiliamazing]

I don’t mind it as long as it leads to real discussion or sharing of life’s details

[Emiliamazing]

Talking small hopefully leads to bigger differences discussions:
Weather talk turns to how Mother Nature works
Griping and complaining leads to talk of solutions.
Etc

[Emiliamazing]

*different/discussions

[Emiliamazing]

Thank you so much for the MHO! It feels good to give praise nice advice. It balances out the raunchy replies in the other section.

[wingattebaby16]

yea.. it gets old if that is all you ever talk about.

I like deep, probing questions..

like:

if you had one super power, what would it be and Why?

[meh_days]

Deep probing questions :p

[Wsx2wsx2ws]

Its like little caresses across the skin. Done right its stimulating. Done repetitively in the same spot it is irritating.
Speak up or move the hand to where you want to be touched. We don't mind.

[exitseven]

Yes, I hate it. When two people are good friends they can sometimes hang out without saying a word.

[1GoldTwins]

I hate it when they ask how I am and I can tell them my day or what I did or how I am feeling , but if I daee return that question it was always 'nothing much' but they are the ones who hit me up first but have nothing to talk about? 😭

[TommyMountainFigure]

I actually love it because I am a master at subject changing. There is something funny about seeing the look on people's faces when you throw out a completely random statement during a boring conversation.

[Guy13]

I can not see you as a small-talk lady. Especially given you love to test the man with your brain. Read the Bible vs Small-talk... I'm not sure which way you would go ;-)

[Snsl153]

What does the Bible say about it? I don't recall any passages dealing with it.

[Guy13]

I’m sorry I did say it clearly. If you walked into a room and one side was a table with a Bible and the other 4 cackling hens off clay court making comparative small-talk THAT you might choose reading the Bible over the chattering given at least there is examination of thought in Bible 🤷🏻‍♂️

[Snsl153]

No need to be rude about it.

[Anonymous]

often times Yeah, these bore me as Well, unless its something useful or non trivial. Weather is not trivial since i am a seasoned beach goer.

I dont get why people are so stuck on memes or trivial trends like the will Smith slap. So what he slapped (or got slapped, i dont know the details)? Have people Never seen anyone slapping or getting slapped?

[Blackcosmo]

With people I'm not used to or just strangers I feel really anxious and awkward in small talk.

[serious]

Is there a question in your question subject? I did not understand if you are asking a question or what

[Snsl153]

Well, basically the question is, "Do you like small-talk, or are you bored by it?"

[serious]

@snsl153

Okay.

[serious]

In that case. My answer is NO.

I never do small talk with people. If someone wants to talk to me , have conversations then it is fine. No small talks though

[KostasKouvalis]

Depends what the topic is. I really don't care about your Pokemon or that your sister's friend got dumped

[LazerBean]

Not usually. You can still learn cool new things from small talk.

[Snsl153]

Such as?

[jshm2]

You're a boring person, then.

The purpose of small talk is to fill the gaps between the big talks.

[ArtemisSilver]

Yes, dating site small talk is the absolute worst. Just tell me to fuck you, date you or unmatch.

I don't want to talk about the weather for a week yarg!

[KrakenAttackin]

Yeats ago I remember someone did a study of letters written in the 1700's, 1800's, and 1900's, and determined that the two biggest recurrent topics were weather and health. I guess some things never change.

[Bklynbadboy12]

Well yes and no depends on what we're talking about and whom I'm talkin to. What do you like to talk about is there anything in particular that interest you

[Rudon00]

I avoid it as much a possible. it is monotonous to me.

[Rockstarrrrr]

Every single time lol.. But you kinda have to do it

[Panzer21]

Generally you start small before expanding into deeper conversations.

[PatriceONeal]

The last thing I want to do at the end of the day is hear about the girlfriend's day and her petty squabbles with the random girl at work.

[JohnK123]

Ya I hate it I just want a meaningful convo yk?

[JessicaEarl]

Who is this girl in all these stock photos haha

[Snsl153]

My guardian angel :)

[JessicaEarl]

😂 lol

[Apulu_Imback]

No, I talk deeper and for longer time.

[serious]

@apulu_imback

That is very good.

[boggboss]

I actually don't mind it love having a good talk

[malwins]

Weil it’s a necessity isn’t it

[Snsl153]

It is?

[Anonymous]

I don't do small talk. I go in deep immediately...

[MannyFrs]

no as long as it leads up to something

[athlete_7]

Bored af of small talks

[Loveisgirthy]

Yeah I usually skip this part too

[NathanDavis]

I never get bored

[007kingifrit]

no, small talk makes big talk later

[msc545]

No - it is a way of getting to know someone.

[eagle1951]

na it's all part of getting to know someone

[TheSpaceGnome]

Yup, its boring.

[Jamie05rhs]

I AGREE.

[Wise4myage]

I like small talk.

[anton_dee]

Yesssss

[Joker_]

yeah

[WhiteBoyChill]

Very boring yes