Am I wrong for wanting him to end his relationship with his female best friend?

[bstayl]

My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years has a female best friend who has a wife but she was previously married to a man. They have been friends for about 4 years. I have not had an issue with it until recently. They already work together all day long and then as soon as they get home, they Snapchat each other every single day all day long. We went out for my birthday lunch and he Snapchatted her during it which I felt was extremely rude. So she’s coming in between our alone time. I have seen them sit side by side arm to arm on a couch and play fight with one another. When I had my wisdom teeth recovery, he left me while I was sick to take her out one on one when he barely ever takes me out on dates. He had planned for them to go golfing and to a brewery. There was another time he said he got me my favorite food after he went out with her in a group setting but then said she ended up eating what he had to bring home for me. Her and her wife were also his DD one night and because he thought they may come into our home, he cleaned the entire house for her super spotless when he never even helps me clean. When I went bowling with them and other friends from his work, my boyfriend and her sat next to each other so I couldn’t even sit by him. She also will add heart emojis at the end of some of her texts to him which I find disrespectful. There was one of her even asking how his stomach was feeling and I feel like you wouldn’t be texting a man about a stomach ache unless you have some romantic feelings. I could understand if maybe he had Covid but this was just a stomach ache and I don’t even think I knew he had one at that time. Am I overreacting? I don’t feel like I’m being crazy/controlling. If I was, I would have made him give this friendship up a long time ago. I just feel like it has become way too inappropriate.

[alderoth]

Okay, let's shrink this down a bit. You have a lot of micro situations, and a few major situations. The big thing is you feel like you are being ignored when it comes to house duties, you feel like he is spending more time with her than with you, and you feel like you are being disrespected inside your own home.

First thing you should do is sit down, and have an intelligent conversation with him about these issues. Your question only provides one side to the situation as well, and we don't know if he goes out with his friend, and talks to her about things you do, just like you getting online talking on here. I'm not saying that IS what is happening, i'm just saying it's bad to make a knee jerk reaction without knowing exactly what he feels. So, you should find out. Tell him you want to have a civil conversation about these things, make a list, whatever will help you stay focused, and on task. See where he sits on all of it.

NOW, I'm going to shift gears from that, and actually give a knee jerk reaction. I was with a woman whom I loved dearly. I didn't care if she went to the little western bar she loved to go to with primarily guy friends, I stayed home while she went to work as a nurse making sure the crappy trailer we lived in didn't fall apart while disabled. It felt like I was being pushed further, and further away. I was just a good little dog that she got to come home to so she wasn't alone. Well, I ignored a lot of it. I tried talking to her, and it always ended up in yelling matches. Eventually she broke up with me to go out with another person. I paid the rent, electricity, all that stuff with my disability, yet I was the one that got kicked out. It was devastating. In my opinion it sounds similar, and like he doesn't care about you. I would just move on, BUT that's a knee jerk reaction.

I get where you are coming from on all of this. I really, really, do. The main reason to have the conversation, like I DIDN'T, is to come to a decision. Is this worth going through? Do I love this person enough to tolerate what is happening here, and what is happening to me. Be 100% honest with yourself, because in the end you need to be happy, just as much as he does. Sometimes that means being without each other. Staying can be so volatile, we end up getting traumatized, and never trusting another person again, for months, years, a lifetime.

Your plight isn't as uncommon as you might think. A lot of people don't talk about it openly, and truthfully though. There are probably friends of yours that are going through it right now, and they feel almost embarrassed about it. No one likes a failed relationship, or a failing relationship, but being honest in your relationship, and to yourself is always the only way to stay happy. I wish you both the best, and I hope you finally find happiness with either him, or someone else, but most importantly with yourself. Take care!

[nitsuj86]

Sounds like you are overreacting, and he is too close with this woman. I don't think you can ask them to not be friends, but you can ask him to draw some clearer boundaries.

Like not texting and calling during certain times, things like that you can negotiate. But the other stuff, you just sound jealous cause it's another girl. And she is gay too. Do you have a gay friend? Are there things that you do with him that you would not do with a straight guy? Probably.

I would just tell him some of the stuff you are having issues with, and tell him you are conflicted about how you feel about it. Don't just come at it, like you know you are right. Work with him. Doesn't sound like it needs to be that big of an issue, you are making it one by not talking about it.

[Jamie05rhs]

She's bi. And she's currently in a lesbian relationship. I bet you $100 she's missing the D.

[TwiNshichamp1]

@Jamie05rhs 😂😂 fr lol

[nitsuj86]

@Jamie05rhs Yeah maybe, or maybe she dated a guy before she knew she was gay. Either way, if they haven't ever fucked I don't really see the issue, other than her showing up too much or at weird times.

[Jamie05rhs]

@nitsuj86 Did you not read the part where he was trying really hard to impress her?
Something is definitely going on there.

[Anonymous]

Well, I use to have a best friend. We would only talk about books and life, sometimes he would give me good advices but our conversations were always about that, life and books…he was a 60 year old man, at the time I was 20 but I really enjoyed his company, we actually got along. Anyway, one day his wife texted me to get away from him and not to call him or look for him. I had no idea what was going on, I spoke with him and he told me she was jealous for the amount of time we spent talking and that she felt like you…left out. I was uncomfortable and shocked by the situation, he would call me behind her back but that just didn’t feel right to me because I had no romantic feelings for him and he was hiding to not hurt her and not to hurt me. One day I decided I wasn’t going to answer his phone calls anymore and it was a painful decision I took because I didn’t get to say goodbye or give him my reason. I just knew I didn’t want to be the cause of problems in his marriage because I was grateful for his advices and the time we spent together. It was painful because I really liked talking to him but I didn’t want to become an issue. I understood his wife was insecure, felt ignored or left out yet I knew I had no intentions hurting their marriage. And never was I even close to the way your man is acting with his friend. In your case you have all the reasons to want this friend out of his life. It sounds like he is prioritizing her when you are vulnerable and it shouldn’t be that way.

[Smoke-n-Growls]

I mean, it sounds like he's dating her, not you.

So it's worth bringing all of these to your boyfriend and telling him frankly how you feel.

Asking him to end the friendship is wrong, and would probably lead to him dumping you (if you're accurate it sounds to me he values her more than you).

But you also deserve to feel heard.

I'd suggest establishing boundaries - is he not allowed to see her alone? Is he not allowed to leave you alone while you're sick? Is he not allowed to go on excursions with her?

And establish what you want - do you want to go golfing and to a brewery? Do you want to be his DD? Etc.

It's hard to say exactly what's wrong, because if you've never communicated clearly to him your expectations and wants, he can't know what they are.

But it's clear you're hurting and you need to be honest with your boyfriend about that.

I just don't think telling him to end a clearly important and valuable friendship to him is going to go well. Especially since the friend in question is likely platonic, and she's married. To a wife.

[HollyK21]

This may just be a case where you need to talk to him and set some healthy boundaries, but unfortunately after almost three years, that conversation may not pan out well. Since you’ve tolerated their dynamic for so long, he may perceive your frustration as jealousy. Then if you were to ask him to drop her, I fear he’d pick the woman who’s not asking him to pick a side, which circles back to just trying to have a talk about what is ok and what is not. I want to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you have already voiced these issues at least once in all this time, to which I’d say you should acknowledge the fact that he knows how this makes you feel, and still does it. These are choices he’s making, rather than correcting them to give you peace of mind. That should be a huge red flag for you, bigger than how he carries on with her, is that giving you peace of mind is not a priority.

[Pinay_ako]

That choice is up to him. But you can voice out your opinion to him. You can’t change a grown person or tell them what to do with their life. If you’re not happy being the third wheel, it sounds like you are, GET OUT. They belong together.. sorry

[Amy10223]

No, you are not overreacting at all. This woman sounds like she wants to take your man, and he seems to be enjoying all the attention she is giving him. And yes, he is rude to Snap-chat with her while you are having dinner out with him. RUDE! Your reaction is normal, and well understood.
She ate the food he was supposed to bring to YOU? Nice lady! NOT.
If she is married and has a wife--I wonder how HER wife feels about this too. Maybe she feels left out in the cold and that she's not getting any attention as well.
I would have a talk with your boyfriend. Tell him that you feel left out when he does all these things with her--and that you would appreciate spending more time with him alone--without her interference or being there. Be as nice as possible--do not show any emotion--or try not to. Let him know that if he feels that she counts more than you do when it comes to certain outings and situations--to let you know NOW. Tell him you have spent 2 1/2 years with him and n need to know this in order to decide what you want to do next. If he continues with you and is more considerate, all the better. If he doesn't, then you know what you need to do too find someone who just has time for YOU because you deserve it. You sound like a very nice young lady--and I'm sure you'd have no problems finding someone else who cares for you and is more kind, loving, and attentive to you.
Good luck.

[WhereIsMyMind]

They are both being incredibly disrespectful. He is literally going out of his way to do nice things with/ for her, and you say he doesn't even come close to putting this level of effort in with you, HIS OWN GIRLFRIEND?

She is also being a crafty bitch, if I was in her position I would know full well that I am getting in the way of your relationship, making you feel uncomfortable. You are his girlfriend for fucks sake, she has no business acting this way towards him. It's just not something a decent person would do.

Your profile says that you are only 26 years old, you've dedicated 2 1/2 years to this relationship so far, now is the time to gain back control and break up with this selfish, disrespectful arsehole! Don't begin your 30s with this man.

Ask yourself, if she was single, would he make a move? If you have even the slightest inclination that he would, then this is not a man who is worth your time! Don't be a second option, you deserve better.

[SaartjieJane]

You’re not overreacting nor are you overthinking it.
Talk to him about it and tell him what you’re not comfortable with and that it needs to stop. If it doesn’t then you can’t see the relationship working because you’ll always be hurt and he’ll continue to do those things that hurt you and not care.
So speak to him first, don’t ask him to end their friendship, ask him to set boundaries and stop doing those things you feel are disrespectful (list them out to him) and if he says no or if he says okay but his actions don’t change, then I’d say just leave him

[Rose_84]

BREAK UP AAHHH! Girl Do you hate yourself? He's clearly using you as a third option for screaming out loud. 😡😡 Don't be a garbage bag who he can use, ignore and throw.
He is head over heels in love with his female bestie but she doesn't likes him romantically. She's an opportunistic bitch who's using him and she is just coming in between to feel superior. She knows that your deadbeat poor boyfriend will follow her like a bloody street dog. KICK HIM OUT!! If possible get revenge for the way he played with you and left you in pain when you were recovering from your treatment.

[PessicaJeter]

That's a lot of specific assumptions about how people you've never met feel and think about each other...

[LilyoftheLake]

I think they're probably just close friends - but too close. Try not to be terribly jealous (as that will only make HER seem like the good guy, and will ultimately push him away). Tell him of your concern that she - a supposed friend - is taking time away from you - his girlfriend.

Overall, he's being EXTREMELY disrespectful, but he's a guy - just tell him outright, and if you have and he refuses, maybe make him an ultimatum. No necessarily to break the friendship (not yet at least) but to reprioritize.

[Luv2BRealExotic13]

Wow, I’d have to ask him who exactly does he think he’s in a relationship with? I have guy best friends but there’s no way. After working all day with them I’d hop right on Snapchat to talk to them everyday. Maybe every few days we catch up a few hours after work about b*llsh*T but that seems excessive. It sounds like she’s unhappy in some way and taking it out on you or just doesn’t like you for some reason. I hate to say it they might’ve had something before and she’s trying to rekindle something with potentially the closest male she can find to give her attention and that happens to be your boyfriend. That is doing too much. Did you talk to him about how hurt this makes you feel and lay it out in a matter of fact way? I don't know I’d ask the questions but I’m still leaving him though.

[EarthRealm]

You Get to Make the choice.
Choose the Dark Path 🖤
Of Breaking his Heart.


Or the Light path 💙
Of ignore it and Consider the possibility that Your just Paranoid.
It may Look like Signs but I’ve had Female Friends where I hang out with her all the time, buy her food she does the same for me and Texting a lot and Hanging out on the couch 🛋 Her laying on me and sleeping on My Stomach on the couch with a Shirt on of course.
But yeah just sounds to me he’s doing what friends do They hangout and have fun buy each other shit and will cancel plans just to hang out with the friends

[EarthRealm]

So yeah make your choice either Break his heart or consider the fact that you have a deep Rooted FEAR that people will cheat on you or Abandon you
Did your parents abandon you or something?
Your thinking Fearfully is all.

[WhereIsMyMind]

The biggest crock of shit I've ever heard in my life. He is literally going out of his way to do nice things for this woman, yet he doesn't make nearly as much effort when it comes to his own girlfriend?

Not to mention the occasion where she said that she was feeling unwell and recovering at home, and he decided to leave her to it and go out on a nice little date with this female 'friend', whilst he never does these types of things with his own girlfriend?

Nevermind 'breaking his heart' 🤣, I say go right ahead! He is hurting his girlfriend more! Besides, it certainly sounds as if he'll have his friend's shoulder to cry on if that were to happen.

OP, you are not being unreasonable or overreacting. This man and his so-called friend are being shady as hell. If I were you, I'd tell him that they're welcome to each other!

[EarthRealm]

Well if she’s Feeling unwell I would leave her too
I’m not going to Expose myself to whatever Disease 🦠 she’s got and spreading each time she coughs
You must Think I’m Stupid
Like hey your girlfriend is sick but hey Hang out with her And get sick you can be sick together.
Like NAH FUCK THAT SHIT.
I’d be booking a Hotel for 2 weeks or longer until she ain’t coughing and sneezing and shit.
If I got sick I wouldn’t be able to make no money 💴

[EarthRealm]

OP thinks her boyfriend is Stupid like hey I’m sick 😷 come hang out with me and let me get you a stomach bug 🐜 like the fuck
Like let’s Puke together I would rather eat and hangout and hangout with a female friend and tell the other girl to get away with being sick and all with hanging out with some other girl I wouldn’t get sick
So that’s benefiting me
Getting sick isn’t going to do anything but cause me problems

[EarthRealm]

And make me lose money 💴

[WhereIsMyMind]

What on earth are you babbling about 🤣 she said she had her wisdom teeth removed. It wasn't anything contagious. Any decent partner would stay and help their significant other, I know I would. And anyone who wouldn't? Well that's up to their girlfriend/ boyfriend if they want to stay with someone who would rather go off on their jollies instead of caring for the person they're supposed to love.

By all means, if I was in pain I would tell my boyfriend that he didn't have to stay, but I know that he would because he is very caring and selfless person.

If you think it's ok for you or your S/O to go for a nice little date with their inappropriate friend whilst you're stuck at home in agony, well then all I can say is set your standards higher. 🤣

[EarthRealm]

If some Girl is crying 😭 I’m leaving I ain’t gonna hear some chick being a baby and don’t care if she’s in pain her being in pain is just annoying and I would Book a Hotel by myself to get away from a cry baby 😭

[WhereIsMyMind]

LMAO, ok, well at least you're honest that you'd be the worst partner in the world. Good luck maintaining a fulfilling relationship. 🤣 But my points still stand. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[EarthRealm]

Your Points don’t matter
Just Kidding We can agree to Disagree but yeah I’m not Going to be all selfless because I am a self And ain’t going to act Like I’m not an Individual I heard my sister Cry and scream like a crazy person long time ago when she was in pain in the house and After that the lesson i learned there is to Not hangout with Someone who is going to 😭 each time I See someone cry I see a Mental patient

[courtney06]

I understand the frustration. Sounds like she's overstepping boundaries and he's letting it happen. You need to have a talk with him about this. See if his behavior improves. He's going to do what he wants and you're better off with someone who respects your feelings and the boundaries of your relationship. I can't promise it will be easy, especially if he's been friends with her before you came into the picture.

[Screenwriter]

What is obvious to me is that he isn't nearly as into you as he is into his friendship with his "best friend."

If you drop an ultimatum on him about not seeing her anymore, YOU are the one who'll be left in the dust. He's not about to give up this woman.

I'd end my relationship with this man. You clearly aren't as important to him as she is. It's just the sad truth. Find someone who WILL make you their first priority. It's NOT this man. Good luck.

[Kiran_Yagami]

If he's your husband candidate and visa versa, then he has no business spending that much time and energy on another woman. You shouldn't demand they end the friendship, but he needs to scale it way, way back. In fact, he should never be seeing her without you around. By that same token, you shouldn't be seeing any other men without him around. If you want to become a family, it's time to act like it. If he won't do that, then he isn't a good husband candidate. Your family should take priority in your life and you shouldn't be jeopardizing it by fraternizing with other females, or males in your case.

[Jamie05rhs]

Oh, HAIL no!! Your boyfriend is #fuckinup!

No, you are absolutely NOT wrong! Make him cut her off Now!

(Though I have a feeling he's going to break up with you. Because he loves her more than he loves you.
But... Good Riddance to that bastard!)

[nice-girl]

No you're not wrong to wanting it. But telling him is not the way to convince him.
How is he going to react if you tell him? Just say "of course, I will stop seeing my friend and let myself be controlled by you"?
No. He will be flattered that two women are jealous of each other for him.
The way to make him understand is to focus on your life. He should be worrying about what you are doing, so he won't have time or mental space to think about her or have time for her.

[TwiNshichamp1]

Hey hey this is a wake up call. Kindly busty it on their face one day. This bestie seems to love your husband/boyfriend and she has no respect and self doubt that he is a boyfriend/ a husband of another woman and she has to keep some boundaries between them. Hey you should talk to him about this to tell his bestie. If he doesn't change, talk it openly Infront of them and make it clear to the bestie and him. Then see what happens lol this guy 🤔 doesn't care about your feelings?

[globetrotter22]

That’s an unusual connection for a man to have with a female “friend”. I’ve had one long time female friend but it was never like you described above. I always but my gfs priorities before hers when I was in a relationship.

Anyway describe your boyfriend more. Is he’s a goofy guys girl type? Is he really liberal? (Sounds like it.)

[Twalli]

It's not wrong for him to have a female friend that he's that close to. The problem is that he's prioritizing her over you, his girlfriend. That's the root of the problem. I guess you should draw a metaphorical line in the sand. In other words, if he can't treat you the same way, or better than his friend he'll either have to find a new friend or find a new girlfriend. Honestly, he should treat you better, but as of now he's not treating you as good.

[Shamalien]

Sounds like a true best friend. Sounds like he likes her more tho…but maybe not romantically? One thing I’m sure of though, I don't know if the guy knows what he’s doing, but she definitely does. Women looooove doing shit like this, one upping eachother and stealing another woman’s male attention

[shanshu]

Ending it no but you do need to talk to him though about having alone time, but don't ask him to end it with his friend, he's got a friend's he can be his full self around. He needs that.

And before you say any BS like he can with you, it's not the same.

So just chat to him I'm sure he will understand you both need your alone time, if you tell him to end it with her or choose then you're going to lose.

[lucas262]

All I'll say is it'd make me incredibly uncomfortable if she had a best guy friend. He'd forever be in my radar. I'd be torn between trust issues, and pretending I didn't care. The idea of another man that emotionally close to here, he'll he's half way there already.