Am I toxic, is he or are we both?

[Anonymous]

I don't know what to call him, my boyfriend or ex boyfriend? i am not sure. anyway, we were together for 8 years. he DMed girl complimenting them on how they look. i am not confident in how i am or what i bring to the table so it really affected me when i saw this. i am angry and hurt still. it happened two years ago and i can’t stop thinking weather or not he wanted to be with those girls instead of me. i think about it all the time so when i do talk to him it’s all anger and bitterness. in the beginning i never had an attitude towards him now that’s all i do. i hate him for doing this to me I don't know how to get over it. i asked him why he did it and the only thing he could say is he was young, stupid and he wasn’t sure if we were going to be together. was he ever into me at all or he felt bad? anyway i bring it up all the time. why did you DM those girls? at least twice A DAY! i wanted to get to the bottom of it so i asked him until i got an honest answer. these past two weeks we haven’t spoken at all. he barely texts me or calls me. i tried to do it and he would ignore me and when he did pick up it would just be bitching about him not wanting to talk, being negative or asking him why he DMed those girls. i know i shouldn’t have done it bc look where it got me. he’s gotten to the point where he doesn’t care what happens. last night he was yelling on the phone how he regrets ever meeting me and how he wished he never asked our mutual friend for my number. he’s frustrated and i know there’s no fixing this. in your opinion am i toxic or is he?

[DaveJord]

I did not read the whole things, but I stopped with this;

"i am not confident in how i am or what i bring to the table so it really affected me when i saw this."

This statement more than anything speaks to the fact that you lack confidence and have degree of insecurities with yourself. In my experience these types of people usually end up being the most toxic type of people... because they project their own negative feelings about themselves on to other people. Usually in most passive aggressive ways.

But in this case, all you can do is start with yourself and address your own issues and not project your insecurities on him.

So, if he is picking up on that from you then yeah, he might react negatively to it... does that make him toxic? Maybe, but he could just as easily not be as toxic with a different who is not so negative about themselves and brings more into the relationship.

Bottom line being is that it does not matter who is more or less toxic, because the fact is you are both toxic together and could probably be better off with different people.

[Asker]

why are we better off with better people? can’t we set aside some time to focus on ourselves, become better people and hope to work this out? or you’re telling me no matter what i do there’s no way to fix it even if i do fix myself

[DaveJord]

There is always that chance that you can set things aside and fix them... but it starts with you. Sounds like hung up over this on serious emotional level. Do you see yourself just letting go of all this anxiety and stress and not fixating on it?

I mean it all sounds rather childish, and seems like it triggered some things for you that are deep rooted.

[Asker]

in my head i think i can, but i would never know what would happen when i talk to him. i would love not fixating on it anymore. i fcking hate it. i 100% agree it being childish i hate being this way. but i would never know if i can stop. maybe one day but maybe the next if he doesn’t want to talk to me. he doesn’t answer the phone or text msgs

[DaveJord]

Some times the best thing to do is learn from your mistakes, move on and try to better next time.

[Guy13]

Counseling would be good. Forgiving is hard.

[Asker]

i don’t have money for counseling.

[Guy13]

Talk with God...

[Asker]

yes i need to. to fix my relationship with myself. not my relationship with my boyfriend bc that’s gone and i accept it.

[boggboss]

You both are he made a shot choice and u have never forgiven him with your relationship being toxic

[Asker]

who is toxic, him or me

[boggboss]

Both

[Asker]

i don’t see how he’s toxic. i see myself as toxic more than him. like after two years of going back and forth and him giving me an answer on why he DMed those girls why couldn’t i accept it and let it go you know? the reason why the relationship went down to shits is all my fault

[boggboss]

Yes a lot of it is your fault but it's somthing he shouldn't have done so it dont matter who was worst as u both fucked up

[Asker]

i’ve talked to a lot of guys about this and a lot of them told me that DMing a girl complimenting them is not a big deal bc he’s not cheating he’s just noticing a beautiful female. but I don't know, i can’t get passed it. i wish i had money for a therapist

[boggboss]

Some people would class it as cheating I wouldn't be happy if my girl was doing guys complementing them its unneeded

[Asker]

yes i asked him if he would be okay if i complimented guys saying how hot they are and he said he wouldn’t be okay with it but he would also not bring it up everyday like i have.

[boggboss]

So like I said u are both toxic