Boyfriend of 6 years hid his vaping from me. I was pregnant when I found out. Advice?

[Anonymous]

So when I first met him, he would smoke weed, mostly with his friends, never around me. I was ok with it, as long as he did it in a different space. As we continued dating he had told me he stopped, and I believe that he did for about 3 years. Within these years we have become common law and were planning our future together (I. e. be married, travel, have kids, etc.). The pandemic hit and plans altered, work for the both of us became more stressful…. Which may explain why he started to vape. I had no idea, maybe I was too gullible or naive to notice…. or maybe just really pregnant (yes, another pandemic baby).

One day we were getting ready to leave the house and as he pulled a mask out of his pocket, the vape stick (?) fell out too. He immediately said “Oh it’s just a USB”. I guess he thought I must be an idiot…he eventually gave in and told the truth about what it actually was after I confronted him. When I asked how long he had been hiding it he said over a year, which would be before I was pregnant. I was really mad and hurt about it but I hoped he would stop before the baby arrived. He also said that he would do better, that he was sincerely sorry for lying about it. At the time I was more disappointed he couldn’t be honest with me.

Well it’s been a year since I had our baby and now I’m not sure where to go from here…
Last night we discussed the issue of communication and trust, which is when he revealed that he had also hidden smoking weed from me before his vaping habit started…sometime between the 3 years he said he had quit I suppose.

Advice?

[WonderBell99]

Sounds like the pandemic, a new baby on the way and work took a toll on his mental health and he turned to vaping to manage his stress. The problem is not him vaping but hiding it from you. I can understand your annoyance and your feelings are reasonable and valid. However, I feel like you should talk to him more openly about things. Try to create a safe space for each other so that you can share your feelings openly and not hide anything. The number one cause of breakups in almost all relationships stem from lack of communication and trust.

It sounds like he has problems with expressing his feelings in a mature way to you, but it can be overcome with patience. He knew that you would be mad because he coud not stop smoking, but maybe that was his only way to cope and he did not want to disappoint you. It sounds like he is a bit addicted to vaping, even. He really should stop using vape as a coping mechanism. Let him know that it is OK for him to share his feelings and struggles with you and make sure to make it very very clear that he should stop lying and hiding things from you.

[Asker]

Thank you for your advice !
I agree, we should try more open communication and creating a safe space. He will often shut down and go silent, and I will have to encourage him to say what’s on his mind. Sometimes he will say a few words but other times he says he doesn’t have any explanation or reason…I’m not sure how to encourage him better. It makes me wonder what I am doing to make him feel like he can’t talk to me openly…

[WonderBell99]

I don’t give advice, just trying to provide a better perspective from an outlier’s point of view.

It sounds like he has communication issues and he’s the only person who can change himself. If he really wanted to change himself, he will. I’m afraid you can do nothing other than encourage him to open up and talk more freely. You have to make it clear to him that you cannot do this alone without his help. You cannot be the only one communicating. Let him know that he needs to speak his mind so that you’d know how he’s feeling and what you can do about it.

I don’t think it’s you, often such problems are rooted in childhood.

[WonderBell99]

If he’s not able to work this out now, you might want to suggest him to start looking at therapy.

[PrettyPriya]

This is a tough one. He completely betrayed your trust and lied. It doesn't matter that you were pregnant. Even if you were not pregnant, is lying now okay? It doesn't make it any better either.

I think your only option is to sit down and talk about this. Communication is key in a relationship, especially with a child involved. If you cannot effectively communicate, his vaping is the least of your problems.

Tell him how disappointed you are that he felt the need to lie. You cannot just forget about it. That said, if you love him and want you all to be a family, instead of badgering him about the vaping, help him.

Tell him that you are there to support him, but he cannot lie and hide it from you. Be there to help him kick that habit. Remind him the dangerous of exposing a child to that, plus the learned behaviour a child picks up from his/her parents. In other words, put your foot down about it but be supportive and try to help. Trust is earned.

[Asker]

Thank you for your advice. I think bringing in the effects of vaping and having a child might help encourage him. I realize I could be more firm with “putting my foot down”. I just worry that I will push him away more. I don’t know where the communication was lost that he thought it would be ok to lie twice and get away with it…

[PrettyPriya]

That is the dual side of this. You need to put your foot down AND support. Balancing act for sure.

[FunkyMonkee]

Ask him why he wants to embalm himself? That's all that shit is, embalming fluid.

[Guy13]

Not a big deal until he lied about it...

[Asker]

I suppose so…thank you for your opinion…

[Guy13]

Alright. Good luck with it all. :-)

[In_Trance]

You two need to communicate openly and way more often

[Asker]

We try to. I know I could work on my timing because I tend to wait until late at night to discuss deep conversations…which is whole other thing I’m trying to work on. But regardless of time of day, he will shut down and say he doesn’t have any words to explain himself. He will tell me he doesn’t understand why he hid the vaping and smoking in the first place…. especially knowing that I would be more hurt by the dishonesty than the habit.