Now we’re married and I’m pregnant, but I discovered infidelity of him back in the time when we were dating, what should I do?

Question

I met my boyfriend (at the time) online, i was in Brazil and he was in Miami, after talking for one month i decided to come here stay with him for 3 months, since i was doing home office. He was recently divorced and started talking with me as soon as he divorced, the ex wife cheated on him after 20 years of marriage. When i went back to Brazil after spending some time together, we decided, after 2 months apart, that i was going to quit my job and move in 100% with him. We got married and now I’m currently pregnant, but I discovered that at the time we were apart, when we were dating, he got back to dating apps and was talking with plenty of women, sending them money and videos saying he was developing feelings for them, days after i quit my job to move in with him. When i had my tickets in hand already, he open the door of our house to 2 stranger very vulgar women that he met in the lobby of our building claiming they didn’t have where to sleep and they were foreigners and poor, that he likes to help and he was already in a similar situation and nobody helped him, he said he never did anything with those ladies and didn’t have second intentions at all, he cried looking into my eyes and swore for the life of his mother and daughters. I checked his phone and there was a picture of one of the ladies laying in our bed in her back, fully dressed, but I thought it was really sensual. I talked with him, he said he was confused, and did that to make sure i was the one, because everything moved so fast. I knew he was the one, that’s why i took all the risks, this made me so frustrated, to know he was unsure of me when i was so sure about him. I was so safe in our relationship, but now I’m feeling really insecure, specially with the pregnancy hormones all over the place. We already talked about that… He said i’m going to damage our relationship for something silly if i keep reminding that, that he loves me, now we’re married and having a baby. What should i do about that?

Screenwriter · Accepted Answer

It sounds like you leapt into this relationship after knowing this man for a few months. Went from your country to his, he's much older than you and after people divorce, normal folks wait, usually several years, before they embark on a serious relationship. It sounds like you're a rebound relationship.

He was married for two decades. He's not used to being alone, and after ridding himself of his wife, he was free to sample many women because he was free for the first time in ages.

I genuinely think this man IS confused because he didn't take the time to be alone, mourn the loss of his longtime marriage, get over that loss, then consider how he'd like to proceed. He jumped into another relationship without getting over the complexities and disappointments of the first, then was excited about being single for a minute...

You were dating for a few months. Was it infidelity? Did he pledge to be exclusive, just because he asked you to move in with him? Did you even talk all this out? Maybe HE was unfaithful during his former marriage too. Did you ever consider that?

The ugly fact is you're married to a man you don't know well and are now pregnant with his child and you have no idea if you should stay with him after how "confused" he is about what he wants.

Decide what YOU want and need. If you're keeping this child, and don't think this marriage will last, you'd better get a lawyer and get child support. What is your citizenship status? Can you even stay in America if you divorce this man? How will you get child support for your child? How will you support yourself?

If you don't want to keep this child because of your very uncertain situation, you have another problem to solve according to which state you're in. Get a counselor to support you through whatever choices you make and get legal help. You have emotional, medical and legal issues that are extraordinarily complicated.

I would advise that you extricate yourself from this unstable man, but get professional opinions and advice. Contact your family, as you may have to return to Brazil no matter what occurs. Good luck..

watercolor_lions · Accepted Answer

The Bible says that there are grounds for divorce if sexual infidelity is involved... (Matthew 19:9).

Think about what is ultimately best for your child: a household of fighting with two parents, or a peaceful household with one?

Divorce is terrible, but so is a split household. If you can leave, I would. It will mentally destroy you if you don't, and nothing is worth your peace.

AMS700CX4u2 · Accepted Answer

I know that the vast majority will tell you that you are not married or obligated to a monogamous relationship until the words are spoken. It is a very common practice in this country to have a bachelors party as well as a bachelorette party where sexual play is considered status quo. So, technically, no foul, unless someone gets pregnant. But 50 years ago the night of my bachelors party arrived and I went to a concert. Once I arrived I was abandoned by my male friends and was left to ride home with two females I had grown up with. Who were ready to share the cookies. They drove me home and asked what do you want to do. My answer to them was" When you give someone your heart I guess you are married to them from that day forward" So I sent them home. Another issue that you may not have considered. Much of the photos and notes and such can be pranks. It seemed everyone in my neighborhood wanted to stage an embarrassing situation and get a picture of it. I know it looks bad but be careful. Don't be to harsh. However , should it happen again?

raven6933 · Accepted Answer

First question. Was he well aware of your intentions on moving back? Second. Has he given you any more reasons to doubt him? To me it seems strange that he's not convincing you that he will be loyal to the end. I know you said that you were living in Brazil. So should we presume that's were your family and life was? If so then you gave up everything while he gave up nothing. You have every right to be upset but I have no idea what to say to comfort you. But I will give the same advice I was given by my ex's father. You don't have to be together to raise a child together. Ask yourself this. Are you truly happy because if you're not do you really wanna raise a child in that environment? Do you want them to think this is normal? Under no circumstances allow him to use this child as leverage. Last point. Something tells me that you're considering this based on your situation instead of what your heart says. If so then it's time to move on. You shouldn't live in doubt and the child deserves the best outcome possible. Hope that helps.

Guy13 · Answer

You’re married. Stop living in the Past please. Remember, you are example to kid….

AviatorTom · Answer

For the sake of your baby, try to put the past in the past. Neither you nor he can change the past, and it seems that you and he have a good marriage with a child on the way. Move forward... try to forgive the past, not forget it.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

Is it possible for you to forgive him and trust him in the future? I'm not suggesting that you SHOULD do that; I am merely asking a question.

ThinkFitness23 · Answer

This relationship wasn’t built on solid foundations and things are likely not to end well.

This man seeks women out in a very ugly manner, offering money etc, he met you online and you wasn’t even in the same country let alone city.

I’m sorry to say this but your a toy in toy box now and one day you’ll realise this, he will spin you lied time and time again and emotionally blackmail you.

He seeks vulnerable woman and your now very much so. He will never be capable of love, this will be difficult to hear now and accept but one day you will thanks me for this and agree wholeheartedly.

I wish you all the best, please don’t waste too much of your life, show your child a better way.

inhua · Answer

since you're already married and expecting to have a family, the best you can do now is hold him to higher standards. he may not like this but he's gonna have to forfeit some rights to prove his loyalty.

Anonymous · Answer

I understand your frustration. I have trust issues too.

Leaving him now is not good idea. But acting like nothing happend is not a good idea also. That will give him comfort and courage to cheat.

Talk about your frustration & sadness, put your boundaries and make him regret. If you don't make him pay for upsetting you he'll have the courage to do it again. He gotta be aware that you're not going to be there for him no matter what. If he make upset you again, you're out. Made him feel that fear of losing.

Anonymous · Answer

What do you want? There were so many red flags & concerning indicators LONG before you got married & pregnant that should've told you... this guy is a screwup.

1) he was talking with you the second he got divorced, 2) asking you to come visit to boot, 3) to move in with him so quickly... are all indications of a PROBLEM.

You saw an American with money & didn't care. You made your bed, lie in it. You have a kid. Be quiet & put up with your cheating spouse.

by the way his wife more than likely never cheated on him. The loser very likely cheated on her, very possibly for years she only just found out, & she rightfully got divorced.

integrale77 · Answer

Sounds like he loves you and made a stupid mistake. After seeing you for 3 months then going back to long distance he clearly was missing something and an opportunity presented itself so out of fear of being single again he took what was available.

Sounds like you want justification to stay but what you need to ask yourself is can you put it behind you so in an argument one day in the future are you are not going to blurt out "but remember that time you cheated on me"

Qdbrown · Answer

Not a God damn thing. You would be an idiot to leave him now. You need all the help you can get, and if he is there for you now, keep him.

You're on the clock after marriage. Not before. And it sounds like you caught a damaged guy in divorce. Not some spring chicken, so deal with it.

Mangospacho · Answer

I don’t know. He sounded like a mess back then after his wife of 20 years cheated on him. Maybe you can forgive and forget but it sounds like it’s really bothering you so you can confront him about it and ask if it’s still going on. It’s likely he went through that phase and has no desire to repeat it.

Sasha0426 · Answer

It’s so sad that no one in the comments cares how you feel and how he treated you. Also, they’re telling you you should stay since it’s too late because you’re pregnant. No one seems to care how cheating affects those who they love. Then again humans are incapable of having empathy and compassion for those who have been hurt. What a fucked up world we live in.

Anonymous · Answer

It was a difficult time for him, I'd guess, and you've committed a lot to this relationship already.

Looking beyond it is in your best interests as long as you don't think he's going to do it again.

If you need to work through it emotionally, make him aware that he needs to be honest and open and let you all a while bunch of questions if that would help.

Up to you to decide how much potential there is in the relationship.

CubsterShura · Answer

Whether or not you want to forgive him is up to you. If you're in Miami and you have health insurance try seeking counseling. I wish you all the best.

LazerBean · Answer

Sucks for you, but it's too late to turn back now that you're married. Just going to have to suck it up and make it work.

Stevefiveo · Answer

You should talk to him about it. Find out how you can compromise with him. Maybe invite your friend over for a threesome. Or asking him to meet his mistresses first and let you approve them. Good luck.

Adaeva · Answer

Since you are obviously unhappy and wish to dwell on things that don't matter, get an abortion and a divorce.

KrakenAttackin · Answer

If you want your marriage to work, just move on. The past is the past and it was before you were married. You probably dabbled a bit while you two were apart as well.

Jamie05rhs · Answer

How do you marry someone after only knowing them for three months? You ladies need to be more discerning. I'm sorry.

PatriceONeal · Answer

You're in your late 20s. Leaving that man would doom the rest of your life into obscurity.

Anonymous · Answer

This is why online dating sucks. Sorry you had to go through it but this is why I would never meet someone on an app

Now we’re married and I’m pregnant, but I discovered infidelity of him back in the time when we were dating, what should I do?

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Now we’re married and I’m pregnant, but I discovered infidelity of him back in the time when we were dating, what should I do?

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