If you were dating someone who had a kid, at what stage would you refer to that kid as your kid/“my kid”?

Question

So my ex has been dating this girl for like 3-4 years but he’s been trying to leave her this past year to be with me. I didn’t ask him to do that. He just claims he doesn’t see himself marrying her and regrets messing things up between us. He wants me to leave my guy for him. I’ve been considering leaving my guy but certainly not for him.  
 
 The ex and I ended when he claimed he was ready for kids, almost got me pregnant, and then freaked out and claimed he wasn't ready for kids anymore. So he started emotionally cheating with a coworker WHO HAD A KID. And now he's dating some woman WITH A KID. How ironic especially since he said if i got raped he’d never take care of another mans kid.  Anyways, anytime we run into eachother, he says things like “I have to go pickup my kid from school” or “Im about to go watch a movie with my kid”. The shit triggers me and feels like he's throwing dirt in my face, considering how badly I wanted a kid with him once upon a time. But in general, at what stage would you refer to someone elses kid as yours? I dated a guy with a kid for a little but I’m not calling the kid “my kid” unless I’m married to the father. Thats just me  🤷‍♀️ #FeelFreeToList

JoePro_ · Accepted Answer

I think he was probably initially terrified of having children when you were together, because the realization of the responsibility, and him having no idea how to handle it, probably freaked him out. The fear wasn't kids themselves, but being locked into a kid that's actually yours.

It's all sexy and hot (for some people) the thought of getting pregnant, but it becomes "different" when it actually happens or almost happens. I love talking about pumping her guts in, coming all over her insides, and I sexualize the idea of pregnancy. If I know the girl is into it, I'll even be like whispering into her ear during sex like, "You want me to get you pregnant? Tell me you want me to impregnate you." But afterward, if she and I aren't actually trying to have a kid, we'll be like "Okay, lets go get Plan B now." You know.

That said, I think he's probably gotten over the fear of having children at this point. A newborn might still be something scary, but at least he knows how to handle toddlers. And I think he's calling these children "his" because he feels a responsibility for them, or is at least taking responsibility for them. He logically knows they're not his, but he's okay with treating them well, showing them affection, etc.

Him wanting to be back with you is probably him actually ready to have kids of his own with someone he actually cared about. He probably feels stupid for ruining the relationship, you were probably one of the best girls he's been with, and now he's trying to fix what he regrets.

Just my thoughts on it. Best of luck whatever happens!

Oliverlogan263 · Accepted Answer

Girl, don't even stress yourself out over that clown. He's clearly just talkin crap as usual to try and get a rise out of you. Any dude who acts like that is NOT relationship material and definitely not husband or baby daddy status.

The fact he lives with this chick and calls her kid "his" but won't commit fully is so manipulative and shady. He just wants the benefits without the real responsibility. And then tryna make you jealous by bringing it up, uh uh nope! This fool ain't changed at all.

I wouldn't even call a kid "mine" til married either. That's a whole legal commitment not to be played with. This joker is out here living with a baby mama but don't wanna put a ring on it? Major red flag sis, come on now.

Please do NOT leave your dude for him, he ain't no good! He had his chance already and messed it up, now he gotta kick rocks. You deserve a man who builds you up, not tears you down tryna make you jealous.

Screw his little games, leave him on read he ain't worth your time. Bet he'd drop this "my kid" act fast if you actually leveled up with someone real. Keep winning, queen! His trash ass is in the past where he belongs.

BoopBoopBeep · Answer

Depends who I'm talking to. I tell people I have to leave their stupid ass conferences early all the time "because my daughter is sick." I don't think it's particularly any of their business if she is a rescue kitten, I just tell them she's non-verbal. My direct boss knows I don't have any human children, but she never calls me out. If I dated a woman with kids I could tolerate it'd always be "I have to go pick up my XYZ's kid" or "I have to go pick up Ichabod" or whatever his/her name is.

RavVid · Answer

Yeah he is full of shit. Tell people what they want to hear is a strategy some people follow.

In terms of if/when I might referring to her kid as my kid it would depend on age. If the kid was 10 probably never.

If much younger than possibly, depending on bonding. The mother would be a factor because she might have the view I'm not the dad and can't do a dad role or expect a dad role from me.

Fairly nuanced I think.

by the way Is your ex offering child support to go with a kid? He doesn't seem to be very constant.

electromagnetic · Answer

Never.
I’ve gone no issues supporting my partner with his child but that’s HIS child. It’s got nothing to do with me. If they called me mom, I’d call them baby. I’d love them like my own but they aren’t mine and that’s always gonna be something to remember. If he and I don’t die together, he takes his child his direction and I take my own.

I hope you’re not going back to that dude though!

RoseySarah · Answer

So selfish!

Then to throw that in your face on purpose!

Really he either has gotten so used to it or just making you pay for your relationship ship with your man!

So glad your not going back to that excuse for a man!

He won't ever want his kids just others who he takes care of.

If asked by another single woman I'm sure he would say that kid is more then enough for him and won't want one!

Loving 2 years with a child will make you say that! Especially dating the mom but leaving her... He should not call her his kid cause it is not!

Then omg to want a safety net to jump to! How long has he not wanted that woman for and living with her!

kylee2437 · Answer

This ex sounds like he has absolutely no clue what he wants out of life. The fact that you wanted a kid with him and he went off with someone else that already has a kid is such a huge red flag. He’s ping ponging back and fourth because he sees stress is both situations and in my opinion that sounds like someone that needs to stop dating altogether and just figure out his desires.

The one reason why I simply won’t answer your actual question is because at the end of the day, there’s no decent answer that is automatically correct. I think more so pointing out that he isn’t relationship material would be more helpful for you here.

Caramalkisses23 · Answer

I was with my ex for 9 years... I never referred to his kids as mine. I also don't have any. But just for a little more detail, my Dad has been married to his wife for over 25 years. His wife is my step-mother not my mom. And I know she doesn't view me as her child- she sees me as my Dad's child. Because of that- I feel like kids will never view their step parents as parents so I don't want to ever feel like I need them to. So I just don't. However, I still treat them respect and as if they're mine. But I don't refer them to be mine.

BullShark · Answer

Most people wouldn't technically agree to date someone who already has a kid, unless they're adults themselves, because it can get kinda messy. But then again, it's still not something out of the question if you really like that person and are willing to accept them and their kids as well. That being said, them becoming "your kid" as far as I know, all comes down to how close you got to them as a friend, and if they too see you as a fatherly/motherly figure.

It's the kid who chooses you to be their parent, not the parent who chooses who gets to be their kid. If you've spent a good couple of months around your partner's kid and they've grown very close to you, you suddenly breaking up and leaving will hurt their kid more than their parent after the break up. Hence why it can get messy.

PeachyPie93 · Answer

I would never call someone else's kid "my kid" unless their mother was dead, I was married to the father, and the kid accepted me as their parent.

RavenBear0 · Answer

Ok first of all  DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES  also I agree with you I wouldn't class my partners kid as  my kid  until I was married to them, coz that's when you legally become the Step-parent so I guess that's what would be most comfortable for me. Also side note dude sounds like a douchbag and you should honestly just cut him off completely coz you really don't need that shit in your life.

IslaTheWitch · Answer

I would call them by name, as I do with my own kids, lol I create deep bonds with kids, so considering that their father is my partner... I could call them "my kids" as soon as they agreed to that...

kellytheman · Answer

I have dated a couple woman who had a kid already from a different guy and I never called it my kid but I would be the kid friend and a role model especially if the father was out of the picture. I would also kind of care for him or her like if they needed help with homework or something. I probably call them my kid if i married the girl and I adopted him or her.

PetLover24 · Answer

@dizzydesii - do yourself a favour & stop hanging out with gutter welfare trash like your ex-boyfriend. He's only calling the bastard his "kid" because he can claim it on his welfare cheque. Same reason why the douchebag doesn't want to give her a kid because living together means that they'd get less money, whereas if he screws the welfare system right he gets more money by having bastards but not staying with mum.

Rosexøxø · Answer

Yeah definitely after marriage. I agree and would pick that option out of any other.

I’d honestly try to avoid it because I can’t emotionally handle what those kids could be facing and I couldn’t handle being a parent lol 😆

But apologies that happened. He seems like a doofus, no reflections to you. He just seems rude for that fact alone which you shared.

Apple1996 · Answer

I would never call them my kid. That just seems weird. My dad is a step dad to my brother's. They are more like bestfriends then father-child relationship. He works with 2 of my brothers and they spend all their free time together even tho they are grown but he'd still never say they are his kids

Drew-1990 · Answer

Probably earliest being engaged and lastest when married for me. Even if the dad is still in the picture I still be a step dad and be apart of the kids life. Your ex sounds like a number to me. I have no issues myself being with someone with a kid but I would want to know her past and why she is a single mother in the first place.

HawkPerception · Answer

They will never be my kid. I might have some nicknames for them, but I would never call them my kid. I'd likely help take responsibility for them after a while of living with my partner, but I wouldn't make them feel as if I'm a replacement for their dad, because I'm not.

exitseven · Answer

When I was younger there is no way I would have anything to do with somebody with a kid. No that I am older I think I would date somebody that had older kids. If it was getting serious I would try to have some kind of relationshipwtith her kids if they were not assholes.

ShadezMcgee · Answer

There is no scenario like that for me. I am never dating a single mom much less calling their kid my kid. Last I checked I didn't share blood with them. If anything I am the mentor and fun uncle, but they would never be my kid.

Pink2000 · Answer

We would have to be together for a year and I would have to have a great relationship with the kid… if they felt comfortable with me referring to them as my child then I’d do it.
Side note. That blew me… how you gon play daddy to another woman’s kid but freaked out at the thought of you possibly having his kid…

Anonymous · Answer

My friend was in this same boat…the results ended up with her staying with the man she was with at the time. He wouldn’t stay with a woman at all who even had kids. Men like the one in your question always play with your hearts when they see you happy. They could’ve did what they preaching about when y’all was together. You leave this man for him and the cycle will repeat

If you were dating someone who had a kid, at what stage would you refer to that kid as your kid/“my kid”?

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