Was I too harsh in getting angry with my wife for her driving?

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

This happened just a couple of hours ago. We go to get some groceries, she's driving. She drives, and looks at her phone, constantly. I tell her twice to watch the road. I couldn't tell her the third time, because she burned a "stop" sign and almost got us t-boned by a truck.

We were both shaken but she managed to pull over into a parking lot, and at that point I exploded, because she could have killed both of us, left our daughter and orphan, and make my mother lose another children and her parents lose their only daughter; all because she could not stop checking her damn phone.

I didn't raise my voice too much but she still sobbed and sobbed, and eventually I drove us home. She's sorry and I regret being that harsh, but you simply don't drive like that. It's not only dangerous for everyone, but also illegal and it can result in an hefty fine, plus outright voiding the driving license and seizing the vehicle.

My mother agrees with me but says I'm being too harsh and just making it worse. Frankly I think that this should be a lesson, because I find it terrifying to even think that she drives like that every day, and with my daughter to booth. I'm not risking losing my wife and daughter because of the plain idiocy of not leaving the damn phone alone while driving.

Updates

1 y

Thank you everyone for sharing your opinion, I wholeheartedly appreciate it. Some clarifications - I only raised my voice in the heat of the moment, not through the whole drive back.
She's a fairly inexperienced driver - she got her license when she was my age three years ago, while I got mine as soon as I was 18 - I don't judge her inexperience, but her grave mistake in that situation.
We made up in the evening - she apologized for her recklessness and I apologized for raising my voice.

[vj0090]

Bro you are absolutely correct. Nothing to worry about. Indeed it should be a lesson for her that what could have been the consequences.. I also had this situation 7-8 months ago. My girlfriend started learning how to drive and asked me to give her thr car.. At first I didn't wanted to bcz I knew she was not good but she started fighting and shouting.. Sadly I gave her.. After 3-4 min he hit a byke. I was telling her look straight don't look down on gears.. But she was having struggle in changing gears so she was was continuously looking down. At last it just took 3 sec and she hit that byke. Reason was she was looking down not not watching the road.. That guy was severely injured. His leg was broken very badly from natural straight shape it becomes like in U shape from just abve the ankle.. I was scared to death after watching that scene.. Then I called ambulance took him to the hospital paid all the hospital bills which was like more then 100000 in local currency... Which is a huge amount... I was so so so mad at her... But she deserved that.

[D_Bone_Steak]

I agree with you. I won't touch my phone if I'm driving, cooking, doing dishes, or lifting weights... the world can fuck off when I'm busy. But driving in particular has been pissing me off for a while now. My wife and I will see someone that's driving like a drunk driver and it used to just be me saying they're on their phone, and we'd sort of place our bets. I've been right pretty much every time that now my wife sees drunk driving and immediately assumes it's someone on their phone as well. It's a damn epidemic.

[AmandaYVR]

You didn't say exactly what you said to her after the fact, but basically you were in a near-death situation and those are very specific circumstances, so unless you berated her for hours after that, then no, you were probably not too harsh.

Anyway, you said you both talked in the evening and both apologized, so that's good.

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

Basically I said she was a big "somara" (female donkey, it makes no sense in English but in my language it's dialect to say that someone is stubborn to the point of idiocy - the proverbial donkey refused to follow the farmer and drowned, fitting for the situation), said she really didn't care to kill herself, me, make our daughter an orphan, etc.

[AmandaYVR]

Seems ok. Warranted, perhaps.
She's has to get off her phone. This is not a personal preference thing between you. It's a legit health hazard.
It might be a bit overbearing as her husband, but maybe you're even warranted grabbing her phone and hiding it while you're in the car together.

[worldscolide]

The English translation would be similar to "Jackass" Sorry @AmandaYVR not trying to steal your thread.

[D_Bone_Steak]

I think I like this term "somara." What language is this so I can look it up and put it in my vocabulary. Kinda like "Shadenfruede" (German)... It describes something I feel about things here and there, but no on-the-spot word for it in English.

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

@D_Bone_Steak "somaro" and "somara" is dialectal Italian

[Daniela1982]

In some places it is illegal to talk on the phone when driving, or unless you have a hands-free phone device. But the problem is, some people can't even chew gum and walk at the same time. So best to leave your phone turned off while driving. And that goes for texting too.

Driver was texting

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

That's terrifying, and makes even more convinced to curb this horrible habit.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

No you did not. Would have been much harsher had she killed someone or you or herself.
You have a right to react the way you did when someone puts your life at risk.

She needs to know nothing on a phone is worth risking her, yours, your children’s or other drivers on the roads lives.

[OlderAndWiser]

I agree that this should be a zero tolerance matter. . . but what style of delivery will be most effective?

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

We talked more calmly in the evening. I apologized for yelling, but she said I was right because her recklessness is a danger. She was crying because she was feeling ashamed for what happened and because of the whole near-incident.

[OlderAndWiser]

She will probably be more difficult on herself in response to her own internal criticism than in response to your criticism.

[KrakenAttackin]

She was crying to manipulate you.

[AviatorTom]

You did the right thing. Safety first.
My SO sometimes looks at her phone while driving, which distracts her. I say something but she ignores me, or tells back st me.

[Msputiton]

I don't know the whole situation but. Let's put it this way.

Most likely when it happened you went overboard. But why would you not?

That was a scary situation and you were just as shaken and upset as it gets. Meaning adrenaline pumping and it was an intense moment which caused you to probably be at your highest intensity. (Which is completely understandable)

But what you did after you calmed down is what made this great.

You realized the moment made you be harsher than you would like to speak to your wife.

So you guys talked it out, and you didn't let her off the hook for the huge mistake she made that almost caused a horrible tragedy.

She acknowledged her mistake, and hopefully will no longer make that mistake again.

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

Thank you. At the moment I lost it but once the adrenaline washed past I didn't want to make it worse, especially because she admitted her mistake right away.

I hope that the lesson sank in, honestly - safety is something I have a zero tolerance rule.
Coincidentally, I had done the same crap some years ago when I was out on a date with an off duty policewoman - she slapped me, promptly tore me apart and said that if she wasn't off-duty, she would have seized my licence and arrested me. It stuck with me ever since.

[Msputiton]

Sadly we all do things that commonsense tells us is wrong, but we go. Oh no. It's okay when i do it because i know i can get away with it.
Sometimes we get a wake up call, either from a close call. Someone smacking sense in us, or sadly after it's too late to take back the consequences.

[Pyrofox]

I'd say don't need an apology but just do a casual check in with her and let her know you were in the heat of the moment and things escaladed you'll try to work with her to improve your communication skills so things aren't so chaotic and on edge.

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

I already did, now she doesn't want to come to dinner and keeps to herself.

[Pyrofox]

Well I'd say just then carry on being u 😉

[worldscolide]

Fuck no you're not in the wrong here. If you lived where I live, she ould go to prison for cell phone use while driving. She's literally taking your life and everyone else's life into her hand when she uses her phone while driving.

My wife and I have a rule when driving when I drive I hand her my phone. When she drives she hands me her phone. And we are configured for hands free. I could not live with my self if I got someone killed for being that stupid.

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

Thank you for seeing my way.
Here you go to prison if you kill/hurt someone because of phoning and driving.

I'm still pissed about this. I too had a near-deadly incident because of this some years ago, I had a passenger (off-duty police officer too) who promptly tore me apart and said that if she wasn't off-duty, she would have seized my licence and arrested me. It stuck with me ever since.

Yours is a very good rule - no distractions while driving.

[worldscolide]

Thanks. I refuse to be responsible for hurting someone like that. It's also why I don't drive while intoxicated. It's stupid and evil.

[ZXCwWRQWz]

I think you just find a way that keeps your relationship as healthy as possible but tries to teach her not to do that again. You are too smart to make this about what's right and wrong. Ask yourself how to make things better. I can't tell you how to do that with your wife. I can tell you that maybe you know way more than I do about whether you're choosing an action based on whether you are upset or whether you think it has the best chance of making things better.

[ZXCwWRQWz]

And don't look for ways to see how your wife is wrong. That's obvious at face value and don't pit more people against her. I agree with your mother. Like why ask her this in the first place? You find a way to talk to her so that she learns. Become a better teacher. Or drive yourself. Teach better or drive for her.

[ZXCwWRQWz]

And your wife is innocent if I have to point it out. She might be negligent or silly but she is innocent. How do I know that? Because she never meant to do any wrong. So you are dealing with innocence, maybe negligence. It's a very dangerous kind of innocence, but it isn't the type that is trying to hurt your family. If you want to teach innocent people, patience is the first virtue you have to master. So I think you hug her and tell her now that maybe she made a mistake, but you will always love her anyway and I think you were too mean to her. You weren't being such a good teacher if you wanted to be her teacher.

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

I raised my voice in the heat of the moment, then calmed down a bit.
I don't look at ways to see her as wrong; I condemn her reckless behavior but not her as a person and I made it clear. My mother knows because she moved in with us some months ago and when she saw us coming back with her crying she asked what happened.

Of course I still love her but I want to drive across the fact that I will always have zero tolerance for this behavior - she almost caused a deadly incident because she couldn't leave her phone alone.
I never thought she was being malicious at all, but like you said, in that "dangerous innocence" I saw that I had to make it clear how her behavior is dangerous to her and others.
Yesterday evening I explained it to her calmly, but firmly that she can kill someone or herself if she's not careful. She said she understood and that she will be muting her phone when driving, or use bluetooth if she needs it.

[ZXCwWRQWz]

Maybe you aren't calculating the risk of losing her and your daughter. You have to broaden the risk calculation and make it longer-term. We're prone to do risk assessments in shorter terms than longer. And as a species, we're hopeless to do it in the longest.

I want to relax you on the "deadly incident" part though. You aren't here to fix the world. You are here to find people to love and forgive them (and yourself) when they aren't perfect. Go hug your wife and tell her that you love her please and without mentioning me or my request in any way. Build a better world and that means accepting people's flaws, even their most horrible ones. And you drive if you want to take over and make things right.

[lightbulb27]

too much, but emoitonal reactions based upon death can be severe.

better if you think like a teacher and parent. take the phone away, lock in glove box. it's a dopamine hit to use that phone and that's the problem. she has to learn to manage herself, and that's hard when one is an addict. a lot of us are or can be. these things are awful... a good reason self driving cars become necessary.

[dustybiker]

Good for you. If she hit me on my motorcycle my family would have been in her grill too.

She obviously doesn’t respect the tragedy she could create because she can’t control her phone reflex.

Hopefully you made an impression.

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

I hope so. She seemed to have grasped the gravity of the situation, so I hope that what happened alongside some though love will make her mend this habit.

[dustybiker]

Good plan.

[NathanDavis]

I don't care if they're adults, men or women... and if it is their phones

I asked not to be on the phone while driving, and if they do it again I take their phones away, lol

physically remove it from their reach, the vast majority of them see it as annoying but funny, and they get my point... lol

and I've only done it when they actually lose sight of the road and OTHER DRIVERS

[Anonymous]

random people already bump into me whilst staring at their damn phones. These zombies are gonna get us into an accident. you were not wrong. I'd be doing something similar like you did and if needed I'd be getting out of the vehicle and order a taxi instead. It's about sending a message.

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

I completely agree with you.

[melanieeeB]

Nah you're right about it! Especially with kids in the car... you can not risk that for a phone addiction.
I hope she does take it as a lesson learned, you both could have really gotten into a bad ass accident...

[stargazeraug1989]

I don't see where you were harsh at all. If anything, I'd say your presentation was far more gentle than it should have been considering she could have gotten all of you killed in the name of whatever was going on on her phone. Things would not have gone over that peacefully had I been in the car instead of you.

[Sour-rose]

Sounds like one of those situations where y'all both die if you didn't put your foot down... so I think not. Using your phone while driving is the quickest way you can go see your dead parents in the sky. Best to nip that shi in the bud before you wish you did when you see the those gates.

[inhua]

actions and choices have consequences. no you weren't too harsh otherwise she'll have to learn things the hard way and trust me, this could end disastrous.

[Anonymous]

You need to sit down and talk to her - calmly but firmly. Doing so in anger is not the way. She will get defensive and pay less attention to what you say. Your goal should not be to berate her, but to get her to LISTEN to what you say and apply it.

[KrakenAttackin]

Women are crazy addicted to their phones. Give it a day or two and she will be back to staring at her phone while driving.

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

She does that, I'm taking away her car or her phone, her choice.

[KrakenAttackin]

Mark my words, women can't help themselves.

[Cubus]

I believe she understands she could have killed herself and her family too and regrets it.

Checking the phone while driving is outrageous but you should try to make up with her. Tell her politely that everything is alright, but she can't do this anymore.

[Anonymous]

I can't really fault you. She was flat wrong. And the police would have charged her with reckless endangerment, negligence, or playing with her phone in charge of a vehicle. Not to mention it's dangerous for everyone and immoral.
You'll have to decide if you could have handled if better given your knowledge of her and you relationship with her.

[exitseven]

The cell phone has killed so many people that it is a wonder it has not been banned. Berween car wrecks and people walking into traffic there are people that take selfies and fall off a cliff.