Are My Partners Spending Habits a Red Flag?

[Zezzara]

I have been married to my wife for 3 years. Before we moved in after we got married, I helped her pay off her debt to zero. We moved in and for that first year of living together we struggled a bit financially but were very happy with our relationship. She earned more than I did so I struggled hard to match our expenses 50/50. All my money that year went on essentials because that was all I could afford.

A year and a half passed since we moved in together and we are now in July. I now earn more than her and we are at a good financial path. She has the habit of not sharing her finances even though I tried my best to establish open healthy communication. I would often find myself having to ask her repeatedly about it. On that same month of July I told her to spill the beans... How much does she really owe in credit debt. She said 17k on one card and 6k on the other. A little blown back from that response I ask her to please not use her cards anymore and we can focus on it together. The plan was to save as much as we can for 6 months and then pay it off in large chunks in the thousands. After that day I almost never saw her pull out any credit cards.

Fast forward to last night. We had our first argument ever. It was a healthy argument, and we had a lot of respect and love in the argument. The arument started when I realized that her father was giving her a 1000-dollar allowance to help pay off her cards. Which I wasn't aware of and personally against my morals and she knows that. Her parents work so hard for that money. I love the support they give to her but why? Then I asked her why. 8 minutes of deflecting and trying to understand she reveals he owes 25k on one card. JUST ONE. My jaw dropped. I was trying to figure out how she spent 7k on her card in 6 months on top of what she had on her checking account. She spent in total of 16k in six months on the information I have alone based on the one card and the checking account.

I really need some help with this.

Yes

No

Yellow Flag

Run for the Hills

Updates

1 y

She said she was sorry and that she feels ashamed. She thinks that my trust for her has diminished.

What could be reasons of her shame?

As a woman what could she have spent money on to get this high?

Updates

1 y

Last night I asked her directly on why she felt shame?

She replied that it's because she was careless, and her carelessness affected the relationship.

I asked her the second question too "what could she have spent money on to get this high?"

She replies with an I don't know I wasn't paying attention to what I was spending and how much.

Oh man...

[DaisyM23]

I dunno, you're married so it's a bit difficult to just drop her now. Did you get no inkling of this spending habit before?
But yeah this sounds really bad, I can't understand how she gets into this much debt when she earns a good living as well.
Plus she lied to you and tried going around your back to her parents for help. It's okay to be angry dude, you keep saying you had healthy and respectful arguments okay continue that but she's gotta realise she can't pull that and needs to get help or pay this off

[Zezzara]

Thanks for reading. It is very difficult. She showed signs of this before, but I thought she understood and displayed signs of improvement. There was a point where I saw she was making really smart financial choices. This whole thing was a huge shock. I know it's hard for me to get angry, but this is cutting close especially with the fact that I rarely buy anything for myself, so I live off of scraps.

[LazerBean]

Yeah, it's a huge red flag. But it's too little too late, you should have figured all this out before you got married.

[Zezzara]

You're right. I thought we had it all figured out and settled. She showed signs of change almost a 180 and then bam this. She reacted in a way almost like she got caught and she cried for a while.

[exitseven]

Confiscate those credit cards and get her a part time job so she won't have time to hang Out at the mall.

[Zezzara]

With that debt I might have to get a part time job too.

[exitseven]

re update; does she have a gambling problem?

[exitseven]

Thanks for the MHO😎

[LiamJHayden]

She needs help or her spending will be the financial ruin of both of you.

[Zezzara]

I agree she definitely does need help. I am planning on the next step. I am thinking long and hard.

[Shamalien]

This is fucked. Take her cards away

[Zezzara]

Yeah, this is really bad. I might have to go to a financial advisor with her and see what I can do.