Friends too clingy?

[Maral1]

I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3 months. We currently have a long-distance relationship that's why we usually only meet on the weekends. Since my boyfriend lives alone, I spend most of the weekends by him. So far we have done a lot with his close friends and his family. To my boyfriend he is rather a quiet a bit shy guy and I am the opposite of him rather temperamental. However, I also need my freedom, especially time together. I then addressed to him that I miss our time together. Since we only meet at the weekend and are usually not alone. After three weekends, a close friend of his called me and wanted to know, why we no longer joint activities with them. I explained to her our situation with the distance and that we haven't been together for a long time and I want to get to know my boyfriend better. I asked him if they had mentioned something, he denied it. I find it a bit strange that they didn’t mention anything like that to him. Anyway, I can’t protect him every time and I feel like I have to justify myself if I want to spend time alone with him. I think his friends are very clingy and I understand that too, because he was single for a long time and was constantly busy with them. It’s a new situation for all of us and they have to get used to it. My boyfriend is completely on my side and he doesn’t feel restricted by me. However, I can’t always take it easy like that, the conversation has also occupied me a lot and I guess they would come to me again if they feel neglected by (me) us. My boyfriend usually meets them alone when I’m not by him, but that seems still to be not enough for them. How would you deal with such a situation? Ending the relationship would not be an option for me.

Thank you for your helpful advices.

[SueShe]

Meet his friends together with him and set the record straight.

You need to tell them that when you need some alone time with your boyfriend and that they should accept that you have priority over them when you are together with him on the week-ends or the days you see each other.

Don't pressure your boyfriend into doing something he is hesitant or reluctant but the friends should understand that you need quality time with your boyfriend.

That does not mean that even when you are together, you can go out as a group to have common activities. This is still possible but perhaps not to the same extent as it was before you met him.

[Maral1]

I once had to explain myself to a friend of his and told her that we need quality time. I didn't like her tone that she considered our absences as negative. I also don't understand why they addressed me and not him directly. My boyfriend also said I should ask her next time if we want to discuss it together including him. Last week he was at their home 3 times and they ask him all the time when he will come to them. At the weekend he canceled because he was in my city.

Thank you very much for your advice, I’ll talk to the group.

[SueShe]

I could also assume that there is a certain jealousy that you and your boyfriend get along so well and perhaps the fear that the group is no longer so homogenous.

It could also be that this lady sees you as a threat to the group.

[Positivity700]

Hi SueShe, sorry to bother you. There's a question in the category Gag community named "Guys I'm laughing in the floor right now?" that contains no question. Isn't this against the rules of the site?
Can you check it out?

https:// ww w. girlsaskguys. com/qt/girlsaskguys/q4952308-guys-i-am-laughing-on-the-floor-right-now

[SueShe]

@Positivity700 You are correct. This is not a question and would go against the rules of this site.

[Positivity700]

Ok thanks, I wasn't sure that's why I asked you. Can you remove it?

[SueShe]

Thanks for the MHO. Hope you could solve your problem.

[Maral1]

Something strange happened. We were invited to his friends (house party) on New Year’s Eve and each of us brought a specialty from his home country. The hostess, his female friend knew 2 weeks in advance what I would cook for the whole group. Every single person invited brought something to eat. On the respective evening that female friend didn't like my food. She told me in front of everyone that she will not eat this because she doesn't like meat. She had mentioned it at least 3-4x the same evening and I told her she didn’t have to eat if she didn’t want to If I had known earlier that she didn’t eat meat or this specialty, I would have brought something else. My boyfriend didn’t know that either. She was very ungrateful and very disrespectful to me. I was very disappointed and hurt by her words and now I have the feeling that she has something against me personally. I’m going to distance myself from his circle of friends, and it’s starting to feel like they’re trying to bully me. I think it’s a pity because I wanted a good start into the new year but with these people it was a very negative mood. I wish my boyfriend would also realize that his friends are not really true friends because they don’t want the best for him...

[SueShe]

The thing is that you state that he is the kind of shy guy. He feels probably at ease in his circle of friends and now that this mishap occurred, I am interested to see whether he will back you up or if he will try to pretend as if nothing happened. If he does not scold the friend, then it is clear that you come in second and that his friends are more important to him than you are.

If he does not take your side for what happened, then I seriously wonder how he would react if something really serious would happen.

His circle of friends are probably jealous that he divides his time between them and you and are doing what it takes to get you out of his life so that they can be a circle of friends like they were in the past before you "took him away" from them.

That is a toxic situation and you have to let him know about it.

[Maral1]

I told him several times that the situation at that time has disappointed and hurt me.

Last weekend we wanted to have dinner together and watch a movie.
He told me only two hours before that his friends (that couple) will also be there, although he knew about this thing the day before, he didn't communicate it to me. The situation escalated between us, we had a fight and neither went to dinner nor did we make it to the cinema. The weekend was very stressful for me.

I told him that I needed some distance after this argument and I had doubts whether our relationship would continue. Although he's sorry and apologized for his behavior, I'm very sad about what happened. Yesterday he finally took courage and reported the situation of New Year’s Eve and the weekend to his friends (that couple). That female female also told him that he should have said something earlier. His overreaction (he broke the car window) hurt me a lot and definitely left scars. He asked me for a chance, he was very sorry for his behavior, he was overwhelmed and didn't know how to calm me down.

I need time to trust him again, because he didn’t take me seriously and even admitted it. After this terrible event he has understood it and will take me seriously and no longer impose me on his friends. He wants to work on the relationship and improve, and I’m going to give him one last chance.

[SueShe]

The way I see it is that he was aware for a longer time that those friends would be joining but he could bring it upon himself to tell you before or to tell the friends not to come. Only when he saw no way out did he mention it to you 48 hours before.

He seems to have some anger management issues besides the courage to be honest with you (and his friends).

What I would suggest is that you tell him to seek counseling for his anger management issues because if he does not bring it under control, then it will only get worse with time. Tell him that you would like to join for the counseling and see how he reacts. If he objects, then you know that he is not serious about the relation and that he sees no problems.

[Maral1]

Yes, this is also my theory that he knew much earlier that they wanted to come.
He didn’t dare to tell me because he knew I wouldn't be happy about that.

Yes he used physical force and was triggered because I wanted to go home.
He sought my attention and became angry or hurt because he was helpless and I didn't want to listen to him. He never wanted to show me this side of him. He felt disadvantaged and treated unfairly because nobody wanted to listen to him. He promised me to deal with it better and he will work on himself. I will support him but I will not tolerate such behavior any more and he knows it by now.

He will also work on his communication and his honesty, because I am his girlfriend and must learn everything in a timely manner and not be the last to learn everything only then. And it can’t be that I never know the whole truth or when it's already too late. He won’t force his friends on me anymore. He really wants to fight for this relationship and he wants to change for the better.

[LazerBean]

Personally, if your two lifestyles don't fit together naturally then I would just move on.

[QuietVerbena]

He can’t be that shy if he has a clique of loyal friends

[LittleMelissa9614]

Try talking to him about it, communication is the key to a relationship.

[Iron_Man]

Talk it out with him

[Positivity700]

Hey, can you message me?

[Iron_Man]

@Positivity700 change your profile settings

[Positivity700]

Done

[Positivity700]

Lol it's me. I was messing with you 😂

[Iron_Man]

@Positivity700 I told you I don’t have much time left who are you?

[Positivity700]

I'm your g f

[Iron_Man]

I’ve got 4% left I’m at a restaurantN

[Iron_Man]

Charge time

[Positivity700]

Oh no 😞

[Iron_Man]

Talk in private message real fast identify yourself

[Positivity700]

You deleted it

[Maral1]

We have spoken out and he also believes that we need a lot of quality time at the beginning. I didn't like the tone of his friend that she (the group) considers our absences as negative. Last week he was at their home 3 times and they ask him all the time when he will come to them. At the weekend he canceled because he was in my city.

[In_Trance]

You put up with it or you move on