Should I be mad my boyfriend lied to me about emailing his ex?

[Anonymous]

The circumstances are terrible so I feel as though I can’t be mad even though I am. My boyfriend father passed away. The last email he got from his ex was petty and was her trying to stir up drama and was random. So I asked him not to speak to her again or the next time she reached out tell her not to anymore. But hearing about his dad she emailed him about how sorry she is and he’s in her thoughts and to reach out if he needed anything. They email back n forth about 2/3 times on that thread about how his feelings and her offered support. . I asked him days later if he has heard from his ex bc her family had been reaching out to him. I asked 3 times and he lied each time. after the third time he admitted it. I feel so conflicted. Am I wrong for being upset am I being insensitive. I’m trying to move past it but I feel like it’s causing me anxiety and hostility. I don’t know how to move forward from here

[caring__1]

People lie when they're scared about what the reaction might be or when they know what will be and don't want to deal with it. This pattern could have developed before you met him, and he continues to question what he can trust. It could also have developed as a result of your reactions to him in the past.

If you want the lying to stop, prioritize making sure he always feels safe with you, rather than assuming you're entitled to say or do whatever you want, whenever you want and however you want. If he can't feel safe with you, depth will be limited in this relationship, and you'll be left with superficiality at best. People who don't care about the other person's safety tend to accuse, assume, blame, criticize, demand, rationalize and tell people what they should or shouldn't do. Avoid all these actions if you want clear, open, honest communication.

Just show curiosity when you hear something that doesn't make sense to you. It's OK to seek clarification, but not in an interrogating manner. Let people know you want to see things through their eyes... to understand them, not to judge them or gather ammunition to use against them. It's OK to say "In what way?" "Share some examples" "How might that impact you, others and the overall project?" "What options were considered in making this decision, and what do you see as the pros and cons of each?" Never overreact or believe you can eliminate your pain by throwing it onto others.

[Asker]

This was by far the most helpful answer. Thank you. His reason was bc he wanted to avoid confrontation and me being upset and admits that it’s not the right way to go about it and he won’t do it again as he is remorseful. I guess I can work on my reactions and being more understanding, as that is a little hard for me.

[caring__1]

@Missylynn You're welcome. We tend to be quick to judge others, as their issues appear to us to be 2 dimensional. When we look at our own challenges, we see them as 20 dimensional. We're more likely to get the results we seek when we first address what we might be doing that may lead to that which we would prefer not seeing. I'm not saying you should blame yourself for the actions of others, but at least be aware of your role in creating or maintaining the pattern. The responsibility for the choice always lies with the person making the choice.

[teamvic]

It's a difficult situation, so like I get why you're mad he literally lied to yo face but if you tried to tell anyone that you're mad when his dad just died I'm telling you you won't win that one, you'll just be marked as being insensitive and only think about yourself. Which of course isn't true, that ex is probably tryna get back with him and him lying to you and talking to her is a red flag but, honestly there ain't shit you can do about it it's one of those things like yeah I get your point but this one over here greatly outweighs yours. Cause they were just talking about his dad.. probably, I doubt she was out here talking about ," you want me to wear that lingerie you liked to make you feel better?😦" it's like border line bad but they didn't do anything technically. So as I said just accept it and move on

You're just gonna have to accept it and move on buddy

[Anonymous]

He's probably lied because he knows how you'll respond. But he shouldn't have lied regardless if they were talking about his father passing away or not. A lie is a lie, regardless of the motive behind the lie.

It's done now. So all you can do is move on from it.

I was in a similar situation. I was dating a guy and he started blowing hot and cold with him. About 8 months later I found out he was in touch with his ex because her mother died. He said he felt guilty not being there for her so pushed me out. I ended the relationship because I couldn't get past his initial lie and that he was prepared to put an exes feelings before mine.

Your situation is a little different though. When someine lies it's hurtful, but when they lie about being in touch with an ex it can be devastationg. I totally understand you feeling anxious about it all.

But in situations like this you only have one of two choices. Either let it go and move on from the lie. Or the lie becomes a dealbreaker and move on from him

[Anonymous]

He's using his father's death as an excuse to get back with her