i’ve been this way for a real long time. i can’t pin point the exact date or anything but i know i haven’t been happy. i can’t blame anyone but myself for my unhappiness but i don’t know what it is. i have an idea but i wouldn’t know till i try. i am dying to see a therapist but i don’t have money. so let me say that i’m 31, i have been with my boyfriend for 9 years. we barely do anything, all we do is stay at home not doing anything. he tells me he doesn’t feel appreciated when we do things so he rather not. i nag and complain bc we don’t do anything lol. i don’t feel confident or pretty in who i am anymore. i’ve gained massive weight being around him, i don’t hang out with my friends anymore, i barely leave my house, i don’t have a job so i don’t have any social skills with people anymore. it’s a disaster tbh. i have a small group of friends, four of them to be exact. three of them live far away from me and the other one has a family so she can’t do much. all these things i mention i can fix. i’m on the road to fixing them bc i can’t feel this way anymore. my boyfriend doesn’t make me feel pretty. he doesn’t tell me i’m pretty or any of that when i’m around him. so i overall feel down on myself. i hate the way my life has turned out for me and i can’t wait for some change. i hope what i am mentioning here and wanting to change will help my happiness and confidence bc i refuse to feel this way anymore. if any of you have any suggestions for me, please send them my way. thank you.
I really don’t know why i’m so sad and so unhappy?
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This post had quite an impact on me. I've read this several times, and this post hit-a-nerve for me in a weird way.
I'm 37, and my situation is very very different from yours. But I've also found myself unhappy and feeling stuck in a life that's equally "a disaster" just a different-looking one. This would have had an impact on me even aside from that, but that made it like a throat-punch (but a good one).
First of all, I want to commend you on your brutal-honesty in your self-assessment. It's hard to say/write JUST how bad things are. Just how bad your life actually is on the day-to-day. That is something people rarely are able to share. Even anonymously. I'm very glad you did.
The picture you paint of how things have been for you is awful. It's really extremely sad to imagine you (anyone) having to live/feel like that. It hurt-my-heart to hear how badly things had been for you, and for how long. The fact that you desperately want therapy, but it's out-of-reach financially, to me, makes what you've gone through so much sadder. You want help. But can't. That's just... wrong. That shouldn't be anyone's situation. Therapy should be covered. Anyway...
So after you paint this vivid picture of a thoroughly unhappy existence that seems to have been the case for a long time for you, and you seemed (at first) to see no way out of an ever-increasing unhappiness.
BUT THEN... big twist! You gave me freaking whip-lash with your sudden change.
So up until this point... you know... I'm getting slightly choked-up imagining this unhappy girl in this unhappy life (that's... not super unusual)
But you literally made a grown-ass-man shed a couple of tears with your jarring transition from hopeless to hopeful. I was not at all expecting it, and It made me so happy to read. I can't even tell you. It's inspiring, frankly.
I admire the hell out of you. You are going to be somebody whose strength I call to mind when trying to muster my own. Probably for the rest of my life to be honest (certain things get burned into my brain. I feel like this is one of them).
I think I do have some suggestions for you:
1. Have faith in your social skills.
Your social skills did not disappear. They're still with you, they just haven't had an opportunity to remind you of that for a long time. You haven't lost your social skills. You've lost some of your FAITH in your social skills. They're still there, you just don't believe that because it's been so long since you've proven it to yourself. What you have to battle is "nervousness/worry" about your lack of social skills. Not the lack of social skills themselves.
2. Don't let your boyfriend derail you.
I was debating whether or not to mention this, but it's a glaring omission if I don't mention it. So, I realize that this is not "among the first" steps you are going to (or should) take, but...
That dude's gotta go! I'm not sure if you are already are well-aware of that, or if that's not even on your radar at this point. But that dude's gonna have to go. Or he will prevent you from making the changes you're trying to make. (fuck I hope that's not 'new information' for you)
He is an integral part of the unhappiness you're experiencing. Very clearly. Based just on what you wrote here... that's super clear.
At worst, he is a partial cause of some of your unhappiness. He makes you feel bad about yourself, and doesn't want to do anything. That's not going to change. He's not going to be able to "change along with you." He is going to hold you back (even if that's not what he WANTS to do).
I understand that there are emotional and practical reasons that mean... you're totally not ready to deal with that right now. That's... ok. As long as you start getting your head around the idea (if you aren't already there). He will not be able to accompany you in changing. Trying to make him a part of your life post-change isn't going to work.
In the meantime... just, don't let him hold you back. Whatever that looks like. His tendency will be toward maintaining the status quo. You're trying everything to change the status-quo. Don't allow him to fuck-you-up.
3. Lean on your friends.
This is one of those times, where a person needs the support of their friends. Having 3 or 4 true friends are worth more than a million fair-weather-friends/casual friends. They want to "be there for you". But you have to let them know. Don't be afraid to do that.
4. Do not give up when you're about to give up.
This is going to be a journey for you. It's going to be multi-faceted and complicated. It's going to seem impossible at times. There will be times where you feel silly for ever thinking you could change things. You'll have times where you see hard-fought-for gains disappear overnight. This is not going to be a straight-line-journey. It's not going to always be smooth. It's going to seem pointless sometimes. It's going to seem like you'd be crazy to keep trying. There will be times where you doubt you're 'meant' to be happy.
I need you to not give-up when you run-into all of that. Keep trying. Always. NO GIVING UP!!! (expect times when you'll want to though).
If you'd care to make a new (online) friend, please feel free to shoot me a dm. I love making new friends, and I've met great people very randomly (like this). On the other hand, honestly, no pressure to do so. Seriously. The last thing I want is for you to feel obligated because I wrote you a stupid-long message. I won't be offended at all if you don't.
You're going to be successful in making the changes you hope to make. Somehow I can 'feel it'. 🙂
first off loose the weight so you feel good about yourself would be good to dump the toxic boyfriend if you can do things on your own see if you can find an online free Therapy.