Toxic ex gave me trauma and is now dating a new girl. Is it bad that I'm angry and think its unfair that he's happily taken while I'm still suffering?

Question

I broke up with my toxic and abusive boyfriend after dating him for almost 5 years. He was the classic green flag who turned out to be a major red flag. The duration and aftermath of the relationship influenced my mental health and physical health so much that until now I am still undergoing psychiatric therapy and taking antidepressants. I've also developed a fear of men, intimacy and relationships in general (That's how bad our toxic relationship was). It's been 2 years since we broke up and in those 2 years while I was in therapy, he still pursued me and made me out to be the bad guy for leaving him.

Now recently, I found out he's dating a new girl and its as if nothing happened. I don't know, I just feel like its so unfair that he's suddenly happy with someone new while I can't even go and stay within male company out of fear and anxiety.

I honestly feel selfish for thinking this way. I never expected him to remain single but the sudden turn of events and how our mutual friends suddenly cut me off or deliberately pretend I'm not present while posting pictures of them in groups where I am part of is like him intruding back into my life. I've always been an anxious person but I don't even know how to comprehend this.

quaranta · Accepted Answer

The way you feel is always valid regardless. What could be questionable is what you can do with those feelings, like attacking his girlfriend or doing self-harm, or taking wrong conclusions about men etc. But the feeling itself is always valid because you can't suppress it and there is a reason for that, so just live the bad sensations as they are for now.

About your ex, it is expectable that after 2 years he started dating someone else, it would be expectable even after just 2 months, in fact. But you feel like he "shouldn't" and the reason is because you feel like he has an enormous debt on your regards which he never refilled, probably a debt in respect. This debt is generally what makes victims of abusive relationships cling to their abuser, because the more the debt increases, the more they need that respect back and become addicted to them, so blindly that they are unable to see that the solution of an abusive situation can't be found in the abuser himself. Maybe this is why you endured that for 5 years instead of giving him an ultimatum way earlier (I doubt his toxic traits emerged in the last year of relationship only).
Because of that, here it lies your fault: you didn't participate in the relationship equally, you sustained it for the most, swallowing everything and doing most of the work probably, yet you were the one with less power on it. You can't endure a situation where your responsibility level doesn't equate with your power, those are 2 things that either go together or things get degenerated (think about the amount of wives of older generations trapped in this inequality and how they end up giving up their entire individuality because of that).
So, you can trust your next relationships and men too, if you grow into the mentality of being an active participant in your relationship, and to keep that balance on. Also, nonetheless, you have a 5 years curriculum in experience regarding spotting any sign of psychological abuse and that will make you much more aware the next time. It is important because on the other side such abuses leave you such a wound you may end up needing another abusive man to replay the same role and make you feel like you could "win" it. If you find out you have this tendency you may give yourself more time before dating, but you should combine it with the acquired awareness you now have about psychological abuse and the wrong role you took in the relationship.
Also, the fact you still cling to this debt and check what he is doing in his life to compare it with yours indicates you're still not fully over it and your wound is not healed, so just keep going to therapy and get to know new people and groups of friends that are clean from any trace of him. Only new elements in your life can slowly refill that debt, he won't.

HateyouxD · Accepted Answer

No sweetie check this out.
You were way too good for this "man" LOL he's a coward. You were way too hot for him. He wanted to damage you. He wanted to break you down because he feels shitty about himself. He wants you like this too. But once you level up in emotional wellness he may come back but dont ever go back to what broke you unless you are ready to stand up to this bully.
Feel bad for the other girl behind closed door most likely she's his next victim sweets. Dont be so hard on yourself. You are alive it's a blessing. What dont kill you makes you stronger. Now dont fall for another mans bs

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

So basically, he fucked you over, continued to fuck you over while you were in therapy for being fucked over, and you're still fucked because you no longer trust anyone male and can't stop being angry or depressed. The latter is out of your control?

He's moved on as if nothing happened because to him, it's done. It's over, finished, in the past, no regrets ---- why --- because he's a controlling narcissistic motherfucker who doesn't care about anyone but himself. YOUR problem is you want a logical answer for " ... but how can you, or anyone, BE like that? How? How can you? How can you not CARE what you did to my feelings".

Well babe, the answer is simple: that's what narcissists do. You need to accept it and deal with it and get on with your life. By doing what you're doing now, you've allowed him the power to beat you down, continue to hurt you, and continue to have control over you even though you're not together.

Only you can put a stop to that. Are you willing to, or are you going let him have this power over your life forever?

OlderAndWiser · Accepted Answer

1. People will be patient with your recovery from a break up for a limited amount of time, and then their patence is exhausted and they will move on without you.

2. You are blaming his for what has happened to you but you had a MAJOR role in this. First, you selected him as a partner, possibly ignoring warning signs. Next, you stayed with him for FIVE YEARS! I doubt that it took that long for you to dscover his flaws. You should be angry with yourself.

3. As you recognize, regardless of whatever moral judgments may be made about you and him, you wll both ultmately move forward with your lives as you see fit. He has done that.

4. When you are ready to take responsibility for your share of this failure, and to let go of the past, you will do that.

Anemone978 · Answer

I understand you are mad but you have to focus on getting yourself healed and moving on you deserve to find someone who truly loves you and to have a happy life. Only way you can do that is if you focus on forgetting the past.

chicosuave · Answer

you dumped him so your loss. now learn to become stronger. stay busy

ThomasDavid1989 · Answer

You shouldn't care what an ex is doing

Toxic ex gave me trauma and is now dating a new girl. Is it bad that I'm angry and think its unfair that he's happily taken while I'm still suffering?

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said