Why does my boyfriend lie to me when he doesn't need to?

[victoriaxoxo]

I keep catching my boyfriend red-handed in some lie. For example, me and him were separated for almost 4 years and then one day I finally agreed to meet him but I insisted it was just for closure (that's what I thought it was at the time). He did check with me multiple times and I kept telling him not to expect anything. When we finally met we did actually reconcile and later began dating again. At some point I asked about his most recent flings before we met. He told me about these two women and said he stopped hooking up with them months before we reconciled. Time passed and one day I accidentally saw the date when they last saw each other. It was after me and him got back in contact but before I indicated any chance of reconcilation. Would I have been mad if I found out he slept with someone before we met in person or discussed reconciling? No, we weren't together or planned on being together so it didn't matter. Was I feeling betrayed now that he felt the need to lie to me? Yes.

Another incident that just occurred involved him having a racist spiral some years ago (mostly when we were separated). He got involved in some really fucked up groups and forums. He claimed to have 'come out of it' and whilst I knew that it is very unlikely that he's changed his mindset, I just asked of him to stop being active on certain forums that could get him into deep trouble. The other day my laptop accidentally logged onto his Google account and I took a peek at his browsing history. It was filled with all the forums that I asked him to avoid. Wanting to check how much of a fool he takes me for, I called him and in passing asked him how his mental state is in relation to these issues he had. He swore he's a changed man and not only he doesn't check these forums, he no longer takes interest in these issues. I reasked the question a few times but he kept lying. Why does he lie to me?

[caring__1]

Generally, the pattern of lying starts when we are very young, and it's due to the inconsistency of consequences. Not knowing what to expect, we can't predict what might happen. In order to protect ourselves from potential pain, we'll deal with that inconsistency by avoiding the truth or actually lying.

Look at your own patterns. Do you sometimes not react to something while other times overreact to the same thing? Do your best to be as consistent as possible. Never rationalize being inconsistent. After being consistent for a significant period of time (don't say you were consistent for a day so you should see results from him already), point out your consistency, and help him see that not all people are alike. Just like he doesn't like being lumped together with groups (ie all men or all women are...), let him know you'd love for him to see you as a unique individual rather than just one of a group. It's easier for us to view and alter our own behavior when we can separate ourselves and others from groups. Just broaden his perspective; don't pressure him to change.

[Guy13]

This is nothing but manipulation that eventual undermines the whole relationship. He is testing your limits, expectations, and tolerance of this bad behavior. It is already taking your relationship apart at the foundations. You going through his phone, social media, and gmail looking for stuff is a prime example.

This guy is highly manipulative and obviously enjoys living on the edge and does not care who he hurts in the process. And, this is just the tip of the iceberg. No one improves in these areas as they are ways of living ingrained over time.

[victoriaxoxo]

You couldn't have been more correct. Me and him broke it off because I found out that he both cheated on me and lied to me. And a few other disturbing things. Once it really sunk in I was able to see just how manipulative he really is but I didn't see it at all whilst I liked him.

by the way he was on girlsaskguys himself (I have him blocked now) when we dated and you answered one of his questions here:

Long distance relationship again but working to fix it?
Long distance relationship again but working to fix it? ↗

He was asking this whilst he was lying/cheating on me lol.

Why and how people end up like this? It really really baffles me.

[jenna980000]

Does he lie a lot to other people too? He might be a serial liar and that's not what you need!

[spartan55]

'I accidentally logged into his Google account'
'one day I accidentally saw the date that they last saw each other'
Such bullshit. Why tf are you interrogating him about the time you WERE NOT TOGETHER?
Yeah, okay... you are snooping through his devices trying to dig up shit and start shit. Mission accomplished. He needs to dump your ass.

[Lycirian]

He is testing how deep he can go on lying to you. You wait for what? He telling you the truth? He won't. You already let him go away with it and to be honest, the ship already started to went on his cruise.

Just cut it off before you get in trouble and get hurt even more then now.

[Crafteroon]

Because he's still your boyfriend. You keep letting him get away with being dishonest with you, so why wouldn't he keep doing it? You allow the behavior, so he's going to keep testing the waters more and more until you've lost all respect for yourself and are truly unhappy.

[Bklynbadboy12]

Your boyfriend keeps lying to you because you keep allowing it. He was your ex for a reason why did you go back to him? You knew what you was getting into when you went back but you still went back anyway so you can't complain now

[victoriaxoxo]

Him lying didn't really have much to do with our previous break up. Granted now thinking about it I do think he lied to me then, it's just I didn't pay attention because I didn't know we'd last so long. Our last break up was due to distance.

[Bklynbadboy12]

You seem like a good girl why would you go back I can tell deep down you know he's not the guy for you so why waste your time

[Alex8736]

its just history repeating itself. nobody changes. it's like alcoholism, gambling or drug addiction. you have recovering addicts but there is no such thing as a RECOVERED addict/alcoholic etc.

[Anonymous]

the fucked up part is me and her were together for over 5 years and we hadn't seen each other physically for 4 years and during that time i wasn't with anyone physically but she was. hurts just thinking about it

[DermalPunch]

Sounds like a catch 🎣

[Wise4myage]

Not sure, but that's a huge red flag.

[Kelly6]

Some guys have this habit

[In_Trance]

Did you ask your boyfriend this question?