How do I get rid of my bad habits that is effecting my healthy relationship?

Question

I’ve only been in very toxic and abusive relationships, and I’m finally in a healthy relationship. But all of my old habits from being in the toxic relationships is effect my healthy one. And it’s getting to the point it’s too much for my partner. He’s great and is always supportive, but I can tell my habits is killing him and draining him. I overthink too much and I have major anxiety. To the point where if he’s hanging out with friends and I don’t know where he is or who he is with I’ll freak out. I’m not trying to be controlling but I feel like I am without meaning to. Any advice as to how to stop my bad habits from effecting my healthy relationship?

quaranta · Accepted Answer

There are reasons if you were always in toxic and abusive relationships. Others would have detected dealbreakers on time and broke the deal on time, but you accepted the abuses and toxic dynamics, for some reasons, allowing them to happen, maybe even attracted to the seemengly positive sides that toxicity comes with.

For example, you may be attracted by guys who are unavailable, avoidant and hot-and-cold because you have an unconscious urge to "win" their attention and commitment, addicted to that and that is why you allowed the abuses perhaps. If this is true it would mean your problem stems with your sense of self, your self esteem and the lack of individual strength, needing a judgmental figure to determine your value by winning their reassurements.
If so, it's understandable you kept developing yourself onto those circumstances; but that is something you should face in detail with a therapist, in case, because it's rooted, and as someone else suggested some cognitive-behavioural therapy could be your fit.

Now, regardless if I was right or wrong in the paragraph above, here what you're doing is trying any way to make your fears come true: getting abandoned and feeling worthless. And this is what is going to happen if you suffocate your partner and don't think about your relationship as a project together but like a mirror for yourself.
A good relationship is made of mutual trust first of all, and if you overreact even once out of lack of trust, he is going to not trust you either anymore because by seeing what you're capable of he learns he has to walk on eggshells with you and to continuously feel that subtle fear, which is like a tax he has to pay any time he goes anywhere, and won't trust your stability again until a long time passes without any of those issues (like, several months). So it's very important that you both work on this aspect for the sake of the relationship.
Second thing is: if you get cheated on it's because your partner IS a cheater, which means he is also a liar about many things, and cheated on his exes too. He would cheat on his next partners as well when the conditions are right. It's not about you, it's about how responsible and respectful they are. If he bears minimum responsibility and respect then rather than cheat the most he can do is to fix, or break, the relationship that is not working, before opening himself to other girls.
Also, cheating takes some time, you don't randomly hook up with people behind a bush, you normally need to establish some contact with them first, to flirt, have a day together or something at least. So cheating is actually a planned choice, not a sudden impulse.
So if he never given you a reason to think he is actually cheating on you, or prone to be a liar/cheater, then you have to take that leap of faith.
You should reach a situation where he trusts you enough to tell you about any of his encounters spontaneously, so if he meets a girl who is hot and approached him, he would tell you, maybe laughing at it like if it's one of the many curious experiences to tell a friend, knowing you don't overreact but find it funny too, since she didn't know he was taken. (Or even more funny if she knew, like a dumb person trying the impossible).
The more you resist, the more your partner will slowly trust you again, and will slowly drop that "tax" month by month, until he will establish a connection again, more or less like best friends.

nithya11 · Accepted Answer

I'm an overthinker myself, one thing that has worked wonders for me is talking about the problem. If you can't talk to your partner then talk to a trusted friend or a family member or a professional. Keep your partner also updated on the process, if not fully then may be simply keep them informed that you're working on yourself
Also make a pros and cons list and try to work on those cons one by one.
Hope this helps

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

First of all, it's great that you recognize that your past habits are affecting your current relationship and that you want to make a change. Here are some suggestions that may be helpful:

1. Seek therapy: Consider seeing a therapist or counselor who can help you work through your past trauma and develop strategies for managing your anxiety and overthinking. They can also help you develop healthier patterns of behavior in your relationship.

2. Communicate with your partner: Talk to your partner openly and honestly about your struggles and how you're working to change. Let them know that you value their support and want to improve the relationship.

3. Practice mindfulness: Try practicing mindfulness techniques such as meditation, deep breathing, or yoga to help manage your anxiety and overthinking. This can help you stay present in the moment and reduce feelings of stress and worry.

4. Focus on self-care: Make sure you are taking care of yourself both physically and mentally. This can include getting enough rest, eating a healthy diet, exercising regularly, and engaging in activities that you enjoy.

5. Set boundaries: It's important to set boundaries in your relationship to avoid feeling overwhelmed or anxious. Talk to your partner about what you need in order to feel secure and comfortable in the relationship.

Remember that changing habits takes time and effort. Be patient with yourself and seek support from your therapist, friends, or family members as you work towards building a healthier relationship.

Talking to your partner can be challenging, especially when it comes to sensitive topics. Here are some tips to help you communicate effectively with your partner:

1. Choose the right time and place: Make sure you choose a time and place where both you and your partner feel comfortable and relaxed. Avoid discussing sensitive topics when one or both of you are stressed or distracted.

2. Be honest and direct: Be honest about your feelings and communicate them directly to your partner. Avoid using passive-aggressive language or hinting at things without being clear about what you want to say.

3. Use "I" statements: Use "I" statements to express how you feel, rather than blaming or accusing your partner. For example, say "I feel hurt when you do X" instead of "You always do X and it's so frustrating."

4. Listen actively: When your partner is speaking, listen actively and try to understand their perspective. Paraphrase what they said to show that you are listening and to clarify any misunderstandings.

5. Find solutions together: Instead of focusing on who is right or wrong, try to find solutions together. Brainstorm ideas and work together to find a compromise that works for both of you.

Remember that communication is a two-way street, and it's important to be open and receptive to what your partner has to say as well. By communicating effectively, you can build a stronger, healthier relationship with your partner.

LickwidSkie · Accepted Answer

Go to therapy if you can afford it. Be honest with him, explain how you feel and why you feel that way. When you get problematic thoughts in your head, tell yourself that it's a result of the people you've been with, not the person you're with now. Ask yourself not why you feel that way, but why you feel that way with him in particular. Remind yourself he was not the cause of it and it's not fair to him or good for your relationship to act and think the same as if it was his fault. Remember that you're going to destroy the relationship if things don't change, and it sounds like you really don't want that. Ask yourself if what you're thinking and feeling is truly rational or not.

You have to fight that voice in your head and feeling inside you with logic and reason. The easiest thing to control is our actions. The second easiest is our thoughts. The hardest thing to control is our emotions. Change your actions and thoughts, and even though it can take a while, your emotionals will eventually follow suite.

Just so you understand why I'm saying what I am, I was taken by CPS out of a near-death situation when I was three years old. It caused a lot of major mental and emotional issues for me that took a long time to recognize, understand, and correct. I refused to get on medication. I was convinced I could fix my feelings and thinking on my own, and these are the kind of techniques I used to do it. I hope this helps.

Sunssong · Answer

One thing you could do is, have your partner write out an emotionally evoking letter to you saying the complete opposite of what your overthinking is telling you. I erased my first paragraph explaining how it all works. But rn you are having faith in what you fear. Take that letter and have him read it to you every day for 100 days. And when he isn't home read the letter to yourself. Get emotionally involved with the letter being true. This will fix your problem if the letter can get your emotionally involved. I know what I'm talking about. I've done it. However, you have to find away to get emotionally involved as if the letter is truth.
@easybrezzybeautiful I tagged you in here because it will help you too. However, if you have a different habitual problem, the solution may vary just a bit for you.

Finchie40 · Answer

What kind of bad habits are you doing to him exactly? The fact that your boyfriend is choosing his friends over you is a bad habit as well , so don’t take all the blame in this , it’s ok to have friends but when friends become a priority over your partner then something is completely off and something is not good so stop making excuses for his actions as well , when someone truly loves you they don’t exclude you period , when a partner starts excluding you it usually means they are up to no good because they are choosing to be selfish over choosing you and trying to play a victim when really they are the POS? So what bad habits are you doing to him that you feel you carried over from your past toxic relationships?

JamesHarrys · Answer

Therapy.

If you don't have the money for it, then try on Psychological Self help books (serious ones only, don't go looking for "Healing through gems" or bs like that).

Unresolved issues will ruin all your relationships, that's why rebound relationships are a terrible idea. Take time to do the introspective work, you'll do your partner and yourself a huge favor. Also, learn your boundaries and know what traits you require for in a partner, it is your responsibility to sort the good from the bad.

SnowedIn · Answer

You consciously identify the habits and consciously make the choices to not do the bad habit. One day and one time at a time. You will create new habits.

BUT... this is a YOU thing. You have make the choices. And it is HARD. You have to keep at it.

lightbulb27 · Answer

yes. accept you've been hurt and projecting that onto him.

Practice new patterns of thought... when the emotions come, sit with them, write down, speak truth to them. getting your fulfillment of security from Jesus... which fills the void.

Practice building trust.

therapy...

BagoH · Answer

Cognitive behavioral therapy. You need to rewire your thinking patterns , after your last relationship you haven't healed from your past experiences (traumas) which are affecting your current relationship. Don't hesitate and see a therapist , find inner peace so you can appreciate your partner and enjoy each other's company. I'm sorry to hear this , I hope you get better 🙏

CreatingWonders · Answer

I would say that you need to talk to people who have been in the same situation as you who can relate, if you can afford it speak to a therapist.

I’ve been in an abusive relationship and I know how hard it can be to be with someone else as you will think that they’ll become the same as the rest.

If you need to talk feel free to message me.

WanderingLoveWizard · Answer

You're still young. In 5 years, all that abuse will be nothing but some bullshit you went through that made you tougher, and all those habits will be gone

FilmGuy93 · Answer

Go to therapy, or a support group, or otherwise resolve the source of your anxiety.

In_Trance · Answer

I think you need to be single and work on fixing yourself then get back into a relationship. You're so jaded you can't see how bad this one truly is

Guy13 · Answer

Psychiatrist.

noohair · Answer

A medical professional, a psychiatrist, a therapist and find the right meds that work for you.

easybrezzybeautiful · Answer

When you figure this one out let me know cause I been trying hard to find out what I can do to rid my bad habits.

JarneG · Answer

You should find a neutral person and then talk to each other and then listen to the comments he/she gives.

turnpost · Answer

GET A HOBBY? Improve yourself lvl up.

serious_miss419 · Answer

Cognitive behavioral therapy 🙏🥰😇

Anonymous · Answer

Go against your natural inclinations.

sheenagwapa · Answer

love yourself

OhyeahCumHere · Answer

Just talk to him :)

Anonymous · Answer

Trust him that's it

How do I get rid of my bad habits that is effecting my healthy relationship?

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