How do I get over my infatuation with older men?

Question

I know why it started, it's the same reason for most girls, I had a really shitty relationship with my father. I still do. I must have been like 12 when I started having very inappropriate relationships with much much older guys online. And anytime I had an older male teacher or really any older man in my life, I had a crush on them. Especially the one's who had kids and we're clearly amazing fathers. On my 17th birthday I cried because I knew it was the last year I would still be desirable to them, after that I was no longer a risk which takes the fun out of it. I know that's insane to feel "too old" at 17 and obviously the relationships I had we're messed up, but I was scared to lose the closest thing to love from an authoritative figure I was ever going to get. Anyways, I'm turning 18 in a couple of months and I don't know how I'm supposed to get over this. I want a normal life with someone at least a little closer to my age, but am I just supposed to accept I'll never get that feeling of love and protection girls only really get from an older man in their life (typically their father, in my case someone else)?

Rosexøxø · Accepted Answer

Young guys can still be affectionate and protective.

A lot of older guys still hook up with girls in their 20s. (there's still much you can work with).

Those (previous) guys never loved you, though, otherwise, they'd all still be currently active/ available in your life today. They'd be caring/ invested.

I relate 100% and was also sad when I was no longer "jail bait."

If you want desirability- many men will still have that for women and women younger than them.

Listen- I dated a 64-year-old LMAO

No joke, sis.

Did it last? No

A high traffic amount of men will not love in a fatherly/ or motherly way.

Most girls either look for a simply kind, male-authoritative figure, or men who will resemble the love, women knew from their mothers, as young girls.

Men will not be entirely gentle as our mothers were.

I think if you met an hsp/ empathetic male- with little baggage, it could work.

That's super rare. I'm not sure where anyone would find those types of people (HSP)/ empaths.

They're seriously as rare as unicorns lol.. and even they will have their flaws.

So let me tell you- you can have your fun, but don't expect anyone to be your knight in shining armor, or there for you 24/7! second by second.

Have fun with those who.. really are somewhat distant, and fall in love with hobbies and self.

We all get ourselves, and can depend on hobbies. Hobbies aren't so fluctuative or turbulent as people can be.

They can handle our focused love. They keep us occupied and usually happy and healthy.

Give love to others because you can, and befriend only those who have similar values as you and who won't mean wrong for you/ harm you mentally/physically/ nor overpower your authentic personality- who will instead respect you.

We were never meant to live with our fathers and mothers (joint at the hip) forever.

We all grow up, and since we can relate with those in similar age ranges and those growing without parents and "adulting'" that's how we bond with other humans in societies.

Have close/ good friends. Keep in touch with family. Have a pet for that companionship, if you need, until you can find trustworthy and caring people for you.

Have a different well you can drop your bucket into for happiness.

Find a church if you need- be wary of religious people.

Seek out counseling if need be, they'll help you reflect a bit as well.

You're never alone sis. 7 billion of us, and those of us who have parents can be cut in half and one half will have had really sucky parents and the other half seemingly "exceptional parents."

All, regardless of their home situations have to grow up. They provided us with our basic needs: food, clothes, etc.

And someone who just tries to give some extra advice to steer right and extra hugs.

Hugs can be administered by anyone who cares and is a good person.

Do what you need sis, but realize the realities- older men aren't saints

and we all grow up and do what we can to be happy. We're meant to live and explore, not be wrapped in baby cloths and kept in a stroller/ bouncer/ crib.

We're explorers!

You're stronger and beautiful more than you know.

Love can be found in many different ways and essences.

The biggest part is that joy can be found in many different ways, and joy doesn't always require the love of a person... simple as THAT! :]

SueShe · Accepted Answer

What you need is professional help to attempt to "fix" what your father ruined for you.

Having a father figure you can look up is important as a child and your father failed to give your this feeling of protection and security. It will be very difficult without the help of a specialist to "let go". What you are seeking is a substitute but you are heading the wrong way. Why?

Because now that you are 18, those elderly men will have no compunction to misuse you for their sole sexual pleasure without giving you what you have been looking and needing as a child. What will happen?

You will start hating all men and develop misandry. Now is the time you can correct this injustice done to you. Do not waste your youth with older men that are only after your body but not ready or willing to give you the mental support you need. Good luck.

TheSpaceGnome · Accepted Answer

Trying to fuse a romantic relationship with a parental relationship doesn't work, it leads to the older person feeling unappreciated and overwhelmed, as it prevents the younger person from mentally becoming responsible, thus preventing them from properly reciprocating the care/love they recieve. So you might get some guys biting to be your "daddy" initially, especially in your 20s, but it won't last.

Age gaps of 1-10 years or so are fine if both are adults, but there cannot be a mental gap, the people have to basically think the same way about things to get along well enough to stay together, they have to have nearly everything in common. And if you want to feel protected and loved, you need to offer the same back.

If you want a father figure, the person needs to be JUST a father figure, not your boyfriend too. But you are an adult, so the only way you would get that is like a mentor/teacher situation, or lucking out with getting a husband who's dad treats you like his own daughter.

Also most men do not want that risk you mentioned, most men want adults, we fawn over adult traits, big boobs, hourglass figures, etc. So to think turning 18 is bad, is a bit silly.

loveslongnails · Accepted Answer

You're entering a time where boys in your age range are NOT going to give you much love and protection - it's just not what boys your age or slightly older are interested in at that age. In fact, studies tell us that men don't really start considering "settling down" and wanting a serious relationship until their late 20's. You will have to be careful about who you date and what their motives are until you meet someone that you feel is trustworthy and on the same "life page" as you are.

It's tough that you had/have a bad relationship with your dad, and you certainly made some decisions that reflected your lack of care from him. That said, you can't go back in time and get it, and you can't replace it going forward, but you CAN realize how it affected you and do your best to change your behavior going forward.

I think the key is realizing that what you did to try and replace that love did not work, and that you just can't replace it no matter what you do. But also to realize, that you aren't any less of a whole person because of it. It's an obstacle that was unfortunately thrown in your way, and you have to be patient and thoughtful to overcome it. You CAN do that.

razelove · Answer

Woah. It sounds more like you have some kind of reverse loli fetish more so than liking older men at that point if you fear that turning 18 is going to make you unattractive.

Most healthy, normal men would think the opposite of the logic you're presenting. I'd have second thoughts about going along with an 18 year old or even a 20 year old if I was approached. There are simply too few common points to share, and sex takes up very little of the day. If approached by a child I'd just tell them to go get help, and for my kids to stop hanging out with them if that was the angle of approach.

More so than anything else, find some hobbies, work on your self esteem, learn to love yourself. If you come out the other side of that and still want balding heads with some gray hairs, cool, you do you, that's what you desire. Just take some time every day to work on yourself, minutes, hours, whatever you can spare. It takes time, but you'll never regret it. I mean, aren't you approaching the cut-off for your current fetish anyway? You don't stand to lose anything. Try different hobbies, exercise, whatever draws your interest. That's the joy of being young, you have plenty of time to try different things :)

Guy13 · Answer

Sorry about your Dad. You are likely to find a guy your age especially if you are enrolling in some kind of continued education at 2 or 4 year institution.

Changiis07 · Answer

Pray about it, let God lead you to your person

OfMiceandMen · Answer

That sucks your dad wasn't much of a dad for you. It isn't that difficult to raise a girl than a boy. You just have to be willing to listen, learn and sometimes be outside your comfort zone. My wife passed on when my daughter was 8 years old, she's 18 and I had to raise her myself over the past 10 years. I think I did a pretty good job and people tell me I did well, but there was a learning curve, especially when she reached her teenage years.

I think you need to talk to your dad and try to clear up any hardships/differences as it is obviously affecting your life choices. Even though you may not clear everything up, you may be able to make peace with it.

Levin · Answer

I don't know. I think the first thing is to be kind to yourself.

Don't beat yourself up for what has happened, but try and make some sense and understanding of it.

Forgive yourself.

And maybe there is a naturalness about orientating yourself towards older man. It's only natural that those patterns will repeat as we project those hurtful patterns of formative relationships on relationships going forward.

At the end of the day, both younger and older man can embody that nurturing paternal energy. However, it sounds like there's also compulsion there and uncontrollable aspects.

Whatever you do, make sure you can see clearly and the guy cares for you.

SeriouslyFunny00 · Answer

I think it's normal though, I don't see anything wrong with it. It's normal as long as you're an adult. Just go with the single ones ok? Haha.

But if you feel really bad about it, try focusing on yourself first before looking for someone to love. Instead of forcing to fix things, love yourself first. Focus on healing yourself. Give yourself some time and don't pressure yourself about your preferences. You will figure out everything in time. I wish you all the best. 💕

RealMarek · Answer

You should seek counseling if you have not already, but also keep in mind that as you age, the age gap becomes less of an issue in relationships. If you wait until you are in your early twenties, you could find a man in his early thirties who is established and protective.

magiusX26 · Answer

actually such started further back for pretty much every biological female as it is a hardwired biological desire. the reason its "mostc instead of all is that some are kind of one offs on such. the inverse desire is same with almost all biologicsl males in that we are hardwired biologically to desire younger women. for women its based in resources and security (the guy is more likely to be better established and resource secured as he ages) where as a guy's desire is rooted more in fertility.

Sleeper07 · Answer

There's nothing wrong with this, I'm 29 and my girl is 20. Men who are older and have taken care of themselves exhibit more mature qualities and are more masculine than boys in your younger years.

MrCommodore · Answer

Not sure, I assume in time those guys will get closer to your age.

lightbulb27 · Answer

Some kind of therapy, trauma therapy, emotional healing. That will release the negative energy that has a hold on you.

Friendlybro79 · Answer

So I'm sorry to hear about your dad. The stuff your asking advice about is definitely something a therapist can help. Based on your feelings, I would suggest a female therapist. Good luck.

Paul09 · Answer

I never understood how daddy issues affect girls so much. Like does it even happen to boys? Go see someone to figure this out. Also the more you nature, the more your taste in Men will change.

anon1903 · Answer

I emphasize with you. I've daddy issues too. I recommend therapy.

Stevefiveo · Answer

Nothing wrong with loving the ones you love. Once you are 18, you can date whoever you want. Good luck.

Juxtapose · Answer

You're not undesirable, just wait until you're 18 and have a little confidence and swagger. Guys will be flocking to you like no tomorrow.

bamesjond0069 · Answer

I was 34 when I got with my girlfriend who was 18 and over 2 years later we are still together.

Anonymous · Answer

Sounds like you need therapy. I don't think you're fixing this on your own.

riverrat3 · Answer

Sorry for what happened, we all have likes and dislikes, make the best of what you can

Anonymous · Answer

Complicated process of thoughts, you probably need to start searching deep inside your physhology

How do I get over my infatuation with older men?

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