Should I tell my friend all his friends hate his girlfriend?

[Anonymous]

I was friends with my friend for 3 years at university. Then in our final year, we met this group of girls who were our neighbours. One of the girls and my friend hit it off, and we were all happy for him because this is his first proper girlfriend and we all thought she was nice/charming at first.

But then, she began to isolate my friend. They would spend all their time locked in either her or his room. I haven't seen him at all and neither have his other friends or family since they began dating. We slowly began to realise that this girl is controlling, a compulsive liar, throws a tantrum when she doesn't get what she wants and is very manipulative and just not a nice person. We told our friend we want to see more of him and we miss him, and she told him we 'aren't his real friends because we're leaving him out.' We aren't leaving him out, he declines to come out with us because she "needs him" so we stopped inviting him out eventually. But he's going along with her narrative.

I heard all the bad stuff this girl was saying about our friend group when we did nothing to her (she called our other friend "autistic"), so I eventually confronted her. She then gave my friend an ultimatum, saying she's going to leave him if he doesn't cut all his friends out of his life. So he did. And now I heard through mutual friends that she checks/monitors all his texts to see if we're contacting him, and she physically assaults him/confiscates his phone when they argue. Apparently he has tried to end it with her, but she drove to his location in the middle of the night and now they're back together.

I don't know what to do. We all miss our friend, he has completely changed while being with this girl and if I try to contact him she forbids him to see me. I can't say anything bad about her because he will report back to her. He is being abused by this girl. But he is completely besotted with her for some reason. What should we do?

[D_Bone_Steak]

This sounds EXACTLY like my son. I've been able to mention her controlling nature of him while he is in the middle of a fight with her but he'll go right back into isolation mode with her as soon as their little spat is over. The dude no longer talks freely or texts anything. The humor he had is like gone and just freely talking shit you can tell he's become one of those dudes that watches what he says or feels like he should get offended by just some shit-talking.

I basically feel like he's isolated by a narcissist and he's such a SIMP that he just goes along with it. Nothing I can do except try to reach out when they're having a fight. I mean the chick took his phone, and the new phone we bought him... she keeps it in her possession. She monitors everything he does, and said, but now he just doesn't talk at all. We know how she feels because she's accidentally texted the boy's Mom talking shit about her thinking she was talking to him.

Just a humorless, empty human being now... like, she's sucked the life out of him. All he does is work and smoke weed now. There is no brain or him anymore. Just an empty vessel of a human that talks like a programmed robot.

[D_Bone_Steak]

I'll put it like this... I can't text him a funny meme because it's going to offend her. I'm not trying to joke with her... she can fuck off and die for all I care. That's my kid and I would like to joke with him like before.

[AdithyaR]

Okay that's a tricky situation. Your friend is in a proper abusive relationship which means it's gonna be hard to get him out.
First, try to reach out to him and focus on him. Don't jump to criticising her as it may cause him to get defensive. Focus on how he's changed and it pains his friends to see him like this. Focus on reminding him he doesn't deserve to be treated like that and thsts not what a healthy relationship is.
Encourage him to take the step out and support him for it.
In the best case scenario, let him crash at one of your places to put some distance between him and the girl and make sure she doesn't know he's here.
Additionally ask him to start documenting things, moments when she's violent with him, any angry texts or calls, everything.

I hope you're friend finds the help he needs and I wish you luck in helping him out of there.

[OlderAndWiser]

He is the biggest problem, not her. You can save somebody from the big, bad wolf but you can't save them from themselves.

[D_Bone_Steak]

Right, he's allowed the situation to get to where it is. The chick is nothing more than the catalyst. He's making the choices involved to become someone different just because she is in the mix. Some people are just like that and they become who they wanted to be all along once they get the chance or the opening to be.

I'm on the fence about it because yeah maybe the chick is making it all happen by force... but then again, what if he just wants to be what he's become all along?

[OlderAndWiser]

@D_Bone_Steak Yeah, unless she's holding a gun to his head. . .

[D_Bone_Steak]

Yeah... I think being on the outside and just not knowing the answer to that is what's so stressful for those of us that watch someone make drastic changes like that. It's too easy to think she's holding a gun instead of blaming the person we used to like clanking a beer with.

[OlderAndWiser]

@D_Bone_Steak It's instinct to feel protective of your friend and take his side in the conflict.

[Googlemyahoo]

From experience you can but then he’ll probably just cut you guys out of the picture. I went through the exact same thing.

Three guys in a house at college. We had girlfriend who were fine with everything. One began dating a girl & we’re sitting there having drinks she raises her glass at our friend and shakes it at him “um why us my glass empty?” She’d boss him around constantly if we said anything she’d stomp off to his room and order him to follow.

Watching tv she’d complain and question whose tv it was then had him take the tv to his room. Eventually they’d just go in his room and stay there.

Then he moved out never saw him again.

[Anonymous]

everyone stays with whom they want to stay. all of you find yourselves a girlfriend and just leave him alone if he doesn't want to hang out anymore you can't force him too. Eventually if he really is fed up with her he will drop her even if she follows him, a person knows when to get a restraining order against someone and when they want to be persecuted. Just move on. find other friends, all of you and find a love interest

[KrakenAttackin]

He knows already. It might be worth talking with him and giving solid examples of why they don't like her. Don't just attack her or you will probably lose this guy as a friend.

[DryGermanGuy]

„Bros before hoes.“ 😠😠😠

[Anonymous]

Yes be honest