My friend has a girlfriend that everyone hates. Should I be honest with him?

[Xbrb483]

Hi! So... My friend has this girlfriend for the past 2 years and she is one of the most unpleasent persons I ever met. She's controlling and rude to him, she pushes bounderies with my friends in ways I never seen before (like constantly recording what we do on parties, hides food, doesn't respect the way we do things and everything has to be her way ), she has a 6 yr old daugther and completely ignores the child and it's up to us to check on her (last week she almost burnt herself in a frying pan despite our warnings to her mother that she was too close to the oven and that bitch didn't even got her ass off the chair) and once she seats her ass on the table to eat the house could be on fire and she still woud ask someone to put down the fire before standing up. My friend takes more care for the kid than her and she totally takes advantage of that. I swear I could go off about 100000 situations like this that happened in the past 2 years. They went to live together 2 months after knowing each other and by that time she already had him bathing the kid. Everyone completely hates her. People have cancelled plans just because they become aware our friend is coming with her and the kid and he never goes anywhere without her for the past 5 months. Even our other friends SOs hate her. It's becoming an unberable situation and everyone is unconfortable when she's present but we take it for the sake of being possible to be with our friend.

This discussion has been going on in my group of friends and I don't know what is right anymore. Our ages range from 27 to 30, we've been friends for 10+ years, no one has kids. I've wanted to have an honest conversation with him from the beggining but the group is divided in this because some of them think he's going to push us away. I've already made the decision that she's not going to be invited for my birthday party but I feel I owe him honesty or at least to ask if he's happy.

What should I do? Please share your experiences! Thanks!

[SteveSmith1985]

To me this is simple. Or rather, the "what should we do" part of this is simple. You definitely need to be honest with your friend. That's what friends are for.

You DO need to be careful how you go about it. You really don't want to rant about the thousand instances of this girl doing shit you all hate... rather, focus on the broader strokes (selfish, controlling, etc.) Give an example or two. Just don't end up in a situation where he's defending some specific stupid-shit his girlfriend did last week.

Also, focus on the "we feel we owe you honesty, and we just want to make sure you're happy". Make sure he knows this is coming from a place of love for him (as opposed to hatred for her).

I think you DO owe your friend honesty. I also feel like a guy's entire friend group don't generally decide that they can't stand his girlfriend. If they all feel that way... clearly there's something to it.

That being said, at the end of the day (unless this chick is abusive), all you can hope to do is to "check that he's happy" as well as to "let him know how you all feel" (as it's not really right for you all to be having all these conversations behind his back without kinda... making him aware that such conversations are taking place).

You can't realistically try to get him to break up with her. I wouldn't make that your explicit goal. More... you'll be planting a seed that might grow into him breaking up with her (unless, of course, he tells you he's unhappy).

Lastly: I'm not sure how large your group of friends happens to be. But it might be worthwhile nominating one or two of you who are the closest to this guy to be spokespeople for the group. If you do it "intervention style"... I just don't see it going as well.

But... I 100% think you should talk to him. Put yourself in his shoes. Wouldn't you want your friends to be honest with you if they all hated your boyfriend? I know I would. Good luck 🙂

[Xbrb483]

Thank you so much! We are a group of 15 (not counting the SOs) and usually, we're very upfront with each other. In this case, we are treating it like disarming a bomb because this chick has a grip so tight on him that we're afraid he would stop showing up. Everyone feels bad talking about this behind his back, that's one of the things that's becoming unbearable... I will talk to him in the way you suggested, I think you really helped me put my ideas in order regarding this subject! Thanks so much again.

[SteveSmith1985]

Now... if this is an abusive relationship... and it sounds like it just might be... then maybe what I said isn't necessarily going to be quite the same conversation. Please please PLEASE google "emotionally abusive relationship". Do a bit of reading, and see if your friend matches the classic signs and symptoms of someone in an abusive relationship. If it doens't seem to describe your friend... then go with my advice. But... If he's in an abusive relationship, it becomes quite a bit more complicated. But also quite a bit more urgent.

Good luck (and please do google that!) 🙂

[Xbrb483]

Actually, he usually dates very bossy girls, so maybe we're not seeing the full picture with this one. I will google that! Thank you again!

[20yearsolder]

Yeah, why wouldn't you be honest with him. Hey dude we love you to pieces but we can't stand her. We'll hang out with you whenever you want but not when she's around

[Xbrb483]

I'm afraid he'll flip because she has a very tight grip on him but you are still right, I have to talk to him. Thanks!

[20yearsolder]

He has to figure out who he values more. I mean you can tell him straight out, I like hanging out with you, I don't like hanging out with her and I'm just not going to do that

[Xbrb483]

Most of the time I'm blunt like that, but this time I think it would do more harm than good. It's just because he will ask why, then I will go about every single thing she did as proof, and at the end, he can just say "Meh, you just don't like her". I think I want to make him think if he's really happy or not. If he concludes he is... Some force help us so we can endure her cause I just know some of my friends won't let him go...