Have you ever felt that societal or cultural norms around jealousy impacted your own relationship?

[pipis]

Well, girlfriend and I had been together for a few months, and things were going well. We were happy and enjoyed spending time together a lot.

One day, she told me that they were going to hang out with some friends that included an ex-partner of hers. I didn't feel comfortable with the idea and expressed my concerns. She reassured me that nothing was going on between them and that they just wanted to catch up with their friends.

However, I couldn't shake the feelings of jealousy and insecurity that I was experiencing. I knew that these emotions were not healthy and could potentially damage our relationship. But at the same time, I felt like I was expected to feel jealous in this situation because that's what society tells us is normal. We had a terrible fight over jealousy without any concrete reason.

So, looking back on that experience, I realized that societal norms around jealousy can be harmful and create unnecessary stress on relationships. We broke up yet again for another reason though. Have you ever felt this impact in your own experiences?

[Bribree18]

Hi!
So, I wouldn’t say it is necessarily societal norms… I suppose in the sense society - in general - follows/believes in monogamy. However, if you are in a monogamous relationship - jealousy is bound to happen.


I tend to be, what I call, a possessive person. Not in a way that restricts my partner, I like to have a healthy relationship with a lot of communication. This communication, understanding, and overall goal of finding a balance for both of us is the only thing that will work.


I am sorry to hear that you broke up. I recently had a situation with my partner that made me extremely jealous. My partner is very close with his younger sister. I am very happy that he has such a wonderful relationship with her (as I am also close with my sister). However, his sister is 18. Whenever she goes to hang out with him, and just shows up in his space by the way, she brings a parade of other 18 year old girls. My boyfriend worships the ground I walk on, we love eachother deeply and have the same morals. I know that is hard to believe for some men - but he’s had mental health issues for a long time and spent a lot of time in therapy. His ability to communicate and his need to prioritize morality is what makes me trust him fully. He wouldn’t cheat on me EVER, and I know that. BUT, that didn’t make me feel any less uncomfortable by the situation. They would all be in a small room together to smoke (weed is legal where I live 🥳). This made me so uncomfortable. I trusted him, but the feeling of jealousy would not go away. I connected with myself and looked inward, and - honestly - I didn’t find any relation. I’m a confident person, I trusted him…there was no inner reason other than the fear of some girl trying to flirt with my man when I’m not around.


Very long story short, eventually I told him how I felt. How long Id spent feeling this way and trying to handle my emotions - he opened his mind and understood. The situation was complex because it was his sister. I knew, and would NEVER EVER ask of him to change his relationships with any of his family. The balance that I found for the situation is that - when we are not together - he just informs me when he’s around these girls, because I didn’t want to feel like it was behind my back. Since then, he’s always been sure to let me know. It may not have been the ideal situation in which he’s never around all of these girls alone; but, we both had to find a balance - that is all we could do in the situation to find something that worked for both of us.


To tie this into your situation, if you come about something like this in other relationships- just try to take a step back at first. Almost like the count to ten rule. Then, when you’re not acting out of impulse and emotions, express your feelings and your desire to find a compromise that ensures both of your needs are met. You both may have to sacrifice something in a situation, but that’s how relationships work. Give and take. If the person will not listen or lashes out at your mature expression of your emotions - they’re not the one. Especially for anything long term. I understand the disdain for being friends with exes - I personally wouldn’t be friends with exes for this very situation. If we break up, I can’t have ties to you in order to have a healthy relationship in my future (However!! This is because I would expect the same from my partner, there is no double standards. I’m not saying people in relationships can’t be friends with exes, every relationship is personal and different for each couple. I do trust my partner, I’d just prefer they’re not around people who’ve seen them naked or want to - it’s possessive, I know. But, my partner and I see monogamy in the same way; therefore, it works for us).


Society may, or may not, contribute to your jealousy. I suppose it depends on the content you consume. If you see a lot of patriarchal or manly-men, they do tend to be more jealous and possessive - they have a certain perception and expectations for the women they are with. I’d recommend branching out more, looking into some YouTube videos regarding jealousy or seek out a situation similar to yours (Reddit can be very helpful with this). Try and evaluate and educate yourself regarding these feelings before you decide if you were in the right or in the wrong.

[MJackson1234]

Well it seems to me that both of you are childish and you are certainly an idiot.

For one you can't sit down and blame social norms for this. People cheat and it happens quite often especially with an ex. Ignoring facts mean you aren't mature enough to articulate an argument and you certainly not sharp enough to pay attention because obviously she changed your mind.

The proper way to deal with this from her part would have been, "hey I am hanging out with some of my old friends and my ex is there would you like to come and join us". You are a big part of her life as a partner. Introducing you to her friends and an ex is you getting to know her past and know her and honestly is just the best thing for the relationship. Not to mention if they are on good terms and care for each other wouldn't she want to show off her new man and get his opinion on you. Also extending that offer shows and demonstrate taking into consideration the obvious fact that yeah people cheat and yeah jealousy is part of life just like love and hate and anger. If you were extended that invitation you would have at least have been more comfortable about not attending. You could have said "well thanks love but I have plans how about we invite your ex at another time so I can meet them". You can learn a lot from an ex. People have types. If her ex is a bad boy and the complete opposite of you then obviously you are just the stepping stone to transition and gain a certain lifestyle. If her ex is a nice guy as yourself but he made a mistake or they just outgrown each other or moved away then this is just part of life.

I have seen this with my father. Ran into his first girlfriend which even till today she spoke fondly of him. She knew him, his family, siblings and cousins and all that but she lives in a different country and met my father that at that time lived in a different country as well. The invitation he extended to her wasn't just for her. It was for her and her husband and her kids. They came over at the house and introduced her to his wife and his kids. Called up the family and had a big together or another night had a big gathering. All his family invited her over to their houses to catch up as well. When her husband died and she needed to get away she flew over and stayed at our home and stayed with us. But usually when my mother had an event to attend to she always tagged with my mother. His ex never hid the fact that till today she thought fondly about our dad. She told us straight up. But both of them acted with decorum and respect to their relationships and understood that this was the puppy love sweet heart fond memories. You never forget your first.

When you put your relationship in grey areas it doesn't show security but rather lack of respect to your relationship and your partner. It also creates doubts. The biggest problem wasn't her hanging out with an ex but rather an invitation to join wasn't even offered. If she offered you to join but you turned her down and then felt insecure then that's you overreacting and dealing with what you classify as social norms. Also you said hanging out which I would assume that entail what? Bars, clubs and drinking? What is it that you want to tell us here? Your girlfriend is the special one that would never make a bad decision while she is heavily intoxicated? That would make her the first human being ever that never done anything stupid while intoxicated.

Even among my friends. My friend ex was in town and she invited him over for a meal at home and introduced him to her husband and then the husband left them in the living room to catch up and even left to hangout with his buddies as he had plans made up. That offer to be included is truly what most important in a relationship. It shows transparency and respect to your partner and also where you catch up is just respectful. So and so over in town and I am catching up with them in a coffee house is way different from so and so is over and I am catching up with them at a bar. I didn't avoid bad situations because I am a cheater but because I have respect for my partner and there is no need to plant seeds of doubts. Also a person that ignores these kind of trends is someone that will always regret their actions. You don't have to be insecure by not allowing her to meet him or hovering over her when they meet. But there is a middle ground here and choosing to follow one of the extreme routs usually end up in a disaster. My advice to you don't ever overreact but never ignore the obvious. Also if you decide to ignore the obvious then you are not going to show yourself as a secure and confident person but rather you will end up losing their respect. You will be the fool that just believes everything. In the end of the day you never know what happens in any relationship. Things might seem perfect and never see a single red flag yet the worse happens and things crumble and that happens. That's life. But ignoring the obvious also doesn't mean it is certain to end up in a disaster but it usually does. The social norms you are talking about aren't built from expectations but rather experiences. Somehow unfortunately people try to elevate themselves above that and then find the hard way when their experience matches ours. Communication is not about picking one way or another but rather finding the middle ground. The ground that both of you are comfortable with. If you just give in to make your partner happy then you will end up being miserable and a fool.

[nawtee_me]

Jealousy is not normal and there should be no norms to jealousy. Jealousy stems from lack of trust, or trust issues. None of that is normal.

[jennifer_bloom]

In my last relationship, I did not know how to communicate my interests or expectations cause I was dating somebody who bottled things up and rarely expressed their thoughts to me unless it was about something impersonal that related to a topic outside themselves. I think he was afraid of emotional closeness because he grew up in a family where feelings were misused and ignored.

[Anonymous]

She was wrong. It’s disrespectful to be hanging out with other men, much more so an X ! I would never

[Nikki1989]

No, we have never experienced that.