How do I handle my girlfriend's past relationship or baggage?

[Anonymous]

My girlfriend is very paranoid about me and our relationship because she was cheated on in her past relationship. Even on an evening when I just try to hang out with my buds, she freaks out and talks about cheating on her or sth. How can I deal with this problem of hers? I don't want to break up just like that

[DaveJord]

Dude, I can't help you bud. Because there is nothing you can do for her, that she is incapable of wanting to do for herself. These types of issues are rooted in trauma for these types of people. So, it goes back to her own emotional state, and insecurities.

So, at this point you need to set boundaries, not on her... but on yourself. Because if you have not ever really dealt with someone these types of issues, you have no idea what you are in store for.

On some level you know already, that's why you posted this question. And you care for her on some level and you don't think ending this way would be a good thing, because you would like to help her. And I am tell you that you have no clue what her real problem is... and you have no idea what that can mean for someone with good intentions... until it completely blows up in your face.

[ShadezMcgee]

You give her the boundaries of what you expect. If you can't go out with your friends then that is disconcerting because she immediately thinks you are cheating.

Her baggage is her baggage and something she needs to deal with. The only thing you can do is keep being a man of your word and let your actions dictate the man you are in that relationship with her. If this is something she refuses to accept and it is taking a toll on you, you need to be real with her.

"What happened in your past relationship with your ex is horrible and I understand your concern and where you are coming from. However, I do not appreciate you comparing me to him and assuming that I am doing what he did. If you cannot trust me or put your insecurity aside, I don't see this working out."

Simple as that. Calm and direct with this conversation and gets the message across that she either learns to trust you or you will walk.

[itsalyssaagain]

I’m sorry.


You need to understand that women who have been cheated on by someone they really saw a future with and trusted are very emotionally damaged.


I guess time heals all but also she needs to make the conscious effort to change.


I’d say being a comforting boyfriend plays a BIG role. I can’t even tell you. I had a boyfriend who wouldn't call me when he’s away for the weekend with his friends and I’d go into full panic mode. But I also had a boyfriend who would FaceTime me every night before he went to bed. Guess who helped me heal.

[definitelyNotHer]

I completely understand your girlfriend here because I've been cheated on in both my long term relationships. Explain to her you understand and can sympathize with her feelings and lack of trust but that her pushing her past boyfriends personality/actions onto you makes you feel crappy. Promise her you're different and maybe even ask her how you can show her that, and then keep your word and don't cheat.

[xColinx]

Your advice on this and a few other topics I've seen is really good! If you don't mind, can I message you to get your advice on a situation?

[definitelyNotHer]

@xColinx Yes of course.

[xColinx]

@definitelyNotHer Hmm can’t message. It says it’s only allowed for people you follow.

[definitelyNotHer]

@xColinx Should work now.

[Peter_Penetrator]

Let her know you understand her fears. Give the relationship time and continue to reassure her.


Being cheated on is a real trauma to heal from.


Think about it from your point of view; would you want to preform oral sex on her if she had sex with a dude the night before or the morning of?


For women it is usually the emotional part of cheating that causes this trauma and the sex part of course.


A woman must connect on an emotional level with a man before a she will sleep with him and your girlfriend understands this.

[Peter_Penetrator]

Oh God, KrakkenAttackin is going to call me a SIMP again.

[KrakenAttackin]

"woman must connect on an emotional level with a man before a she will sleep with him and your girlfriend understands this".

This is laughable. Women hookup all the time.

[Peter_Penetrator]

That didn’t take long.

She must first trust he is not Ted Bundy. If she then feels safe enough; she will then fuck him.

[KrakenAttackin]

Yeah, that takes about 20 minutes in a night club.

[Peter_Penetrator]

Dude, you got to get over and move past whatever your ex did that turned you into one of those red pill fuckers.

Women are also not to blame when every relationship goes south. I am sorry that you got hurt for whatever reason. Learn from it; watch out for it next time and learn to expect heartbreak.

My ex of 18 years did a real number in me, but less than a year after I, that’s right, divorced her; I was back in the game and have never appeared as Ted Bundy in the eyes of women. That doesn’t mean I haven’t run into my share of red pill, bitter bitches, but I keep at it and have kept the fun going.

[KrakenAttackin]

You don't see a shift in today's women?

[Peter_Penetrator]

Only that fewer women want marriage, children and a 30 year mortgage. No different than me. There is more to life than what the Greatest Generation expected out of the Baby Boomers. Even a few from Gen X wanted the house with a white picket fence, a dog, a cat and 2.5 children.

Even those today that choose to marry put off children.

They are out enjoying life.

Look at the Tiny House movement. $30,000 dollars for a top of the line tiny. Hell give me a 10’ x 20’ storage building with a gable roof, four acres of land and I can finish it out so two people can live comfortably for seven years. Could have done it in 3 1/2 years but part of the reason we are divorced was she spent her money elsewhere.

For me, I am comfortable being alone. I don’t need a woman to be happy. To me a relationship is just another hobby I have. A relationship is just something else to add to everything else that makes me happy. If you are looking to a woman to make you happy; you have a codependent personality. Men disappoint women in relationships and women disappoint men in relationships. It is when you attempt to change that person into someone else that shit goes south. Men and women need to better vet whom they let into their hearts.

It also depends on if you choose the rural or city life. Country girls are more likely to marry do to rural America not offering what city folk have access to. I know this because I have lived both. Plus city women have a better chance at higher paying jobs than a rural area can offer there by eliminating the need for a man’s income.

Look both men and women that have been in relationships/marriages where they become disillusioned. It is not knowing how to make sure someone is worthy of being allowed in. That takes time and the fear of being alone shouldn’t force someone to take the first bus that comes along. There will always be another bus later.

[KrakenAttackin]

Men are shying away from relationships and certainly marriage because laws are stacked against them. Women are more miserable than at any time in recorded history (per the misery index), YOLO, and whore culture really hasn't brought the results women thought it would. Look at all of the meds women are taking? The rampant mental illness (especially narcissistic disorders) brought about by social media and dating apps. Let's add that feminism has been telling men to fuck off for more than 30 years, men are actually starting to "fuck off". Which is a GOOD thing. Men need to realize that women don't bring happiness into your life, they bring drama, expense, and all kinds of baggage... some women are worth the price, most are not.

[Kiss_Me]

Her baggage is NOT your problem. You can invite her along and give her the opportunity to meet your friends, etc. Do the same for her. If she still wants to act crazy, replace her ass. There are WAYYYY too many single women out there to put up with a case of the crazies.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I feel like 2nd love is more important than the 1st one, because 2nd one uplifts you from the place where the first one broke you.


But one shouldn’t have to suffer for the problems that are left from the past relationship. I think she needs to heal, mainly on her own, all you need to do is just be a good boyfriend.


There’s nothing else to do on your part.

[provokeesmokee]

You can't. That's her own trauma and healing she needs to do.

She wasn't ready for a new relationship and she still isn't.

I'm sorry, bro. You deserve someone who will recognize you're not their ex and you're your own person.

[LiamJHayden]

You are a better man than I am, because I will not endure punishment because of someone else's actions, which is basically what is happening here. I suppose you have to slowly build up the trust.

[annabananna]

It is her problem that she needs to deal with and try to heal from. You can encourage her to get therapy or something

[BlackJeep]

She needs to get her s**t together before she jumps into a relationship. You're not her therapist

[LazerBean]

I don't know why you would want to do that, I would just dump her.

[Vegasrunner]

Time to get rid of her and move on to someone who doesn't make their problems your problems.

[In_Trance]

You need to break up and she needs to fix herself. Her past is not your problem; you can't save her from it

[Justneedtokno]

Be understanding and stay and asking her questions she going to eventually lean on you for healing

[Sasha0426]

I guess ask her what you can do to reassure her that you’re not cheating.

[KrakenAttackin]

Sounds like she is projecting like crazy. I bet she is a cheater as well.