Would you be okay with your partner talking about a new (fe) male coworker non stop over the phone when the two of you barely talk and ask h@ out?

[aromyved]

boyfriend (27M) of 3 years works away from town pretty often (works with tourists) , this time his boss informed him that a newbie female coworker will be joining him for a week to see how things work. When my boyfriend works away, we don't really talk with each other and usually make some time to speak over the phone. Yesterday i asked him to call me because i miss him and so did he. We spoke for about 15 minutes and he was constanly talking about this newbie (10 minutes straight). He said she is similar to me (tf?), he told me about her struggles and personal life problems as well as that she said her boyfriend dismisses her and doesn't take her out on dates so my boyfriend asked her out instead and told her to join us ( without asking me about it). I don't even know her name and he barely knows her. (they only know each other a week) so i interrupted him and told him i find this really rude (making a plans with a person he barely knows and asking them to join us) and he shouldn't be talking about her the whole time since we barely talk. He said i'm overreacting and that i'm being unreasonable and he can talk about anyone he wants and doesn't matter if we barely spoke about us. Also i don't really like that she complained to my boyfriend about her own boyfriend, I don't know i believe you shouldn't complain to strangers, especially new coworkers about your relationship. Question for

Updates

+1 y

He has been ignoring me since that day. It’s been 4 days already. I texted him twice. He replied “whatever” and no contact since then.

Updates

+1 y

He finally texted me and I can’t share everything here but we agreed to meet and talk

[JamesMI616]

You're not overreacting. It's never wrong to set a boundary and expect it be respected. Weather he realizes it or not They clearly have a connection. It might be harmless for now but it's certainly a slippery slope. I will say that the fact he wants to tell you about her is a good thing. He should want to share everything with you 1st and foremost no matter how small the detail. It's the moment he wants to share things with her first and starts keeping things from you that you need to worry about.

[aromyved]

I really don't like that he suggested her to hang out before even asking me if i would be okay for her joining us. This makes me more mad than anything else. Looks like he cares more about her not feeling neglected than his own girl. We've been together for 3 years and he has never asked any coworker of his to go out with us. It seems like he pities her because her boyfriend doesn't take her out. I don't see how is that his or our problem. Maybe i'm overthinking, but i've heard of similar stories that the girl felt neglected from her partner and because another man gave her more attention, she ended up falling for him. i don't know how to address this to him without ending up arguing or him getting defensive. I also think it's really shitty of her to tell another man that he own man is neglecting her and doesn't take her on dates.

[JamesMI616]

I'm an overthinker and you're not overthinking. All of your points are valid and your feelings are valid. The fact that it's all out of character makes it worse. He shouldn't be paying any attention to her. Making friends is something that comes after your house is in order. It's all concerning and you're about him getting defensive. State your feelings and set your boundaries as non-negotiable facts to be accepted. That way you're not confronting him but simply sharing how this makes you feel. You're looking for support not judgement. He should be taking your side. I know you said he's away for work but does he take you out? It feels like if he's on the road he shouldn't be asking you to share your at home time with anyone.

[aromyved]

I addressed this to him through a respectful text addressing him what annoyed me. He turned into a fight and became super aggressive and defensive so i just replied with an “Okay”. It’s been 4 days, he has been ignoring me full time and i texted him “will you keep ignoring me?” And he replied with “whatever”

[JamesMI616]

You couldn't be more spot on. It's starting to feel less like pity & more like he has a thing for her. He should have dropped it as soon as it became a problem. If I were him I wouldn't risk upsetting you for anyone, especially a female. I guarantee that he's not ignoring her. This is beyond a red flag. He's disrespecting your relationship and you don't have to put up with it. As a man I hate ultimatums but he's not putting you 1st & I feel like he needs to completely cut her out of his life.

[provokeesmokee]

You're not overreacting, but if she is tf maybe he's just desperately hoping you can also help her feel accepted.

But yeah, it is shitty you two hardly talk and the time you do he's gushing about a new coworker who reminds him of you.

Boundaries around your relationship with him will be important, but it is very possible that he is only wanting to help her and connect her with you.

But it is reasonable to want him to talk to you before inviting another person along you don't know. Especially one he's taken such a liking to.

[Paulalove98]

I’d see it as a red flag and wanna know what goes through his mind to mention them so much.. I mean being friendly is okay but it’s disrespectful to the girlfriend if a guy is bragging about a female coworker and raises eyebrows. I’d wonder what is going on.

[BoopBoopBeep]

No he's replacing you. I've had office wives before, this ain't that. He's likes what you two have in common but she's the "upgrade" for some reason and now he's working that angle.

The fact that you don't talk when he's away was the tip-off for me. He's not doing clandestine ops on a distant shore FFS he works in tourism. If he wanted time with you he'd make time for you.

He's right on one thing... he CAN speak about whoever he wants however he wants, and you're free to not accept that and walk away. Which you should. Quickly.

[therealricksanchez]

I think you are overreacting. It is reasonable to tell him that, in order to invite someone to hang out with you two, he should ask you first, fair enough. But picturing a whole scenario where she might get interested in him, or worse, him getting interested in her, even if he's being completely open with you about it, doesn't sound reasonable. If he wanted to have something more than a friendship to happen with her, he wouldn't even be telling you about her.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I would find that annoying.

[aromyved]

Have no idea how to address this to him without arguing.

[Anonymous]

No that is unacceptable and disrespectful

[In_Trance]

Nope