Are me and my boyfriend incompatible?

[Simslover92]

My boyfriend and I have varying views on different things. Like he doesn't believe in fate or soulmates which isn't a big deal but the fact that he doesn't maybe want kids or marriage is concerning. He admitted to me that he may not want that and that he doesn't want me to wait on him to come around to something that may not happen and end up resenting him.

But I love him so very much but I also realize I'm not getting any younger and kids is something I definitely want. I know I can wait maybe a few more years but if he decides he doesn't want kids then I don't know if I am wasting my time and his.

He's not sure what he wants at this time and I'm not sure if I can just wait on him to make a decision but our relationship is still very new. We've only been together for a month and a half. Though we've been intimate for almost a year now and known each other for a very long time. I don't want to break up with him. I want us to work it out somehow but I find it's hard to do when he doesn't know what he wants and I do know what I want.

Updates

10 mo

So I made a very hard decision and I choose him. We can always adopt kids if we want some later on in life. If I'm being honest with myself, I'm not sure if I'm cut out to be a mom anyways. So maybe it's for the best that he's not sure. Thanks for you guys input. It really made me think about what's most important and our goals for the future do have to align.

[Finchie40]

These are things that need to be discussed in the beginning of a relationship so if it wasn’t discussed in the beginning , is going to cause resentments in the relationship and it is going to leave you with constant question marks , the same reason you are asking this question? , Why it’s important to discuss this stuff during the dating faze and before you make a decision on committing to someone , Now if this was discussed in the beginning and he told you Yes he wants kids and then later down the road he changes his mind , then you have a right to walk away , because he was clearly lying to you in the beginning , He basically just agreed with you to get you to fall for him , making him a selfish POS , When I meet a girl and her and I hit it off , I ask a lot of these questions out of respect and honesty before I finally make the final decision to commit to her , If she is lying about her answers to me then that is her problem for being a compulsive liar , and blowing smoke up my ass just to appease me , If I find out she was lying she would no longer be my girlfriend period. Most people jump into relationships without looking at the big picture , they jump into relationships thinking it’s new and exciting and thinking they finally met someone amazing to realize they were just playing you to get their way , Why relationships are always a 50/50 chance and why it’s important to ask these questions before you finally commit to someone or you are going to heart broken when you realize they really don’t want what you want

[lightbulb27]

I have a serious problem with guys that get intimate but don't want kids. Hello fella... that's what that does...

Is he willing to do some work to evaluate why and what is going on in him? Then be patient and see if that changes. My guess with most people is they've been hurt, have fears and those are controlling them. When the underlying issues are resolved, they want kids. It's work though, and he has to want to do that. Currently, I'm not sure sure he has a motivation since he is getting what he wants including avoidance of commitment.

This is one of the reasons I have a problem with women giving it all. If you get pregnant then you are single, it's not smart. So stop feeding the monster...

If not, then I'd move on, wasting your time.

[Simslover92]

We're using condoms so I don't get pregnant currently. But he has been through a lot and I'm thinking that may have a lot to do with why he is having doubts about having children. He told me he had to raise his siblings and his nieces and nephews and just wants a break from doing that. So I get it and understand but at the same time it's still not fair to me. At some point, it's going to become more of an issue especially as I get older and become high risk. I really have to do a lot of thinking on this. I want to be with him because I love him a lot but at the same time I know this could be a major problem down the road and I need to maybe move on like you said. It's just really hard when I love him so much.

[lightbulb27]

agree that's the issue.
read the warning label on condoms... not 100%. And if he gets "trapped"... you may be in a pickle.
yes, it will be a major problem unless he heals from his trauma. most people don't want to change, it's hard work, why do hard work... most people just keep doing what they already know.

it will just be hard on you... and the child, should such child come to exist.

[Simslover92]

I get what you're saying. And you're so right. I am definitely caught between a rock and a hard place. The decision won't be easy but I know one has to be made and soon. Thanks.

[lightbulb27]

p. s. I reate to that because I didn't want kids for longest time, and I'd avoid commitment/relationships. I eventually healed from that and I'd want kids now with my wife, but it's too late.
Childhood damage. Find it, repair it so the energy is released. This guy kinda already raised kids, he may want to be selfish.
good luck!

[Enlightenme21]

You need to have a deeper conversation with him and find out whats making him feel insecure about what he wants.

Your making a lot of assumptions for him and shouldn't be. Communication is really important, you don't have to best it out of him but share your concerns too and try to contribute your own feelings towards the relationship instead of pleasing the idea without first knowing why its something he is feeling unsure of.

Its really important you do not assume why he feels the way he does. Don't guess, take the opportunity to get to know and understand your boyfriend better.

[Enlightenme21]

I meant "beat"*** not best. 🥴

[Simslover92]

He already told me. It's because he had to raise his nieces and nephews and siblings when he was younger and still currently raising one so he doesn't want to raise his own child right now if ever. Which I totally understand.

[provokeesmokee]

If you want kids and he's on the fence/childfree, he's right. That's an incompatible difference and you are wasting both your time thinking you'll "change his mind" or whatever.

Childfree status is not something you can compromise on.

If you know you want kids, find someone who also wants them.

It's unfair to try to push him on that.

[DaveJord]

Wow, thats tough situation. To be with someone you love so much, but not sure if its right for you. So many of that want to find that sense of loving someone so bad and we seem to never quit get there.

I have nothing I can tell you, but this. Loving someone means appreciating them more for their differences then similarities. If everyone wanted all the same things as you, thought and did all the same things it would be easy. But that is not reality is it? Thats never going to happen.

So you have to respect them more for their differences then similarities because that is tougher... and that is when you not only test his love for you, but your love for him.

But these are some major live things you differ on... so that's a big deal. I do not know what you should do.

[Simslover92]

Thanks for your input anyways! I appreciate it! It truly is tough and is testing me greatly but I think I made the right decision.

[DaveJord]

Well all I can say, is that being in a relationship is not always about the other person, sometimes you have to make hard choice and put yourself forward. I hope you find the best solution for yourself.

[MrOracle]

You are essentially asking us if he will change. He will NOT. He's been honest and straightforward with you about marriage and kids, so if those are important to you, then you are wasting what remains of your fertility and you have only yourself to blame.

How you feel about him IS IRRELEVANT if you don't have long-term compatibility. You know that already - you were just fishing for some false hope so that you didn't have to face the consequences of your decisions, but the clock is ticking, and there are no second chances.

Suck it up and do what you need to do, or resign yourself to never having a family, knowing that the choice was YOURS and that you can never blame him since he was up-front with you.

[BoopBoopBeep]

This. 100%.

According to Pew Research, "some 44% of non-parents ages 18 to 49 say it is not too or not at all likely that they will have children someday, an increase of 7 percentage points from the 37% who said the same in a 2018 survey."

If he says he doesn't know if he'll ever want kids, he doesn't want kids.

[BadApple69]

I see your age on your profile, how old is he? I know when I was in 9th grade high school that I wanted children. As a project we had to write down 4 goals that we wanted to achieve in life. My 4 were: have children, get married, have my own business and buy a house. Not necessarily in that order. I got all 4 by the time I was 21. If a man knows what he wants he goes after it and makes it happen. If a man in his 30s doesn’t know what he wants then he probably never will. I’ll be honest I don’t understand people like that because I am goal driven. I think if you want things in your life and he isn’t committed to making these things happen for you, then he isn’t really the guy you need in your life. Sorry!

[Simslover92]

He's 32 and you may be right.

[BadApple69]

In cases like this I hate being right.
But I have known several ladies who have waited for the wrong man only to have ran out the clock on their child bearing years. You need to go achieve your goals in life and not get bogged down by someone that doesn’t know what they want.
And not everyone will agree… but children are a blessing and I believe you don’t know real love until you have a child. Don’t lose that opportunity for no one.

[Simslover92]

Thanks. I will take what you said into consideration.

[Jersey2]

Be straight up with him. Tell him that you want kids, with him, but not sure he wants kids and that you don’t know how much time you have left to decide before your biological clock runs out as it’s getting late. Don’t let him tell you wait til 40 as it can still be done because that’s too long and there will be complications.

If you need to move on it needs to be soon as you need to find someone, bond with them and start the process of having kids as it doesn’t always happen right away especially past 30.

I would be careful about putting to much pressure in him as he may knock you up but not stay to be a father in the longterm and you can get that anywhere.

[xColinx]

It sounds like a convenient relationship in the short term between two peeps who get along well, but like you're saying... if you look at things in terms of long term / big picture, it sounds pretty clear it's not a good fit. Nothing "wrong" with either of you, but y'all just don't have the same goals & priorities.

To be more blunt, having a child with a partner who isn't fully committed would be reckless both for you and probably more important the child.

[xColinx]

Hopefully that doesn't sound too harsh, and it's a good sign you're open to getting feedback from others on here, some of which obviously won't be what you'd ideally like to hear. In my case I'm just trying to think about the situation realistically, from a male point of view.

Feel free to ask if you have any other questions.

[Simslover92]

Thanks for being honest and you're right. It definitely does sound that way. But he says he's not sure which is making me want to give it a chance. Maybe he might change his mind.

[xColinx]

Yeah true. If you decide to let things play out for a while, maybe give yourself some sort of timeline (like a 6 month ultimatum, for example) but DON'T mention that type of thing to him or it could artificially impact his behavior... by him feeling invisible pressure, or him trying to show you "signs" you want to see that aren't aligned with his true feelings, etc.

[Simslover92]

Yes you're right. I will definitely do that. Thanks!

[DizzyDesii]

This is why i ask how they feel about marriage and kids before even becoming official boyfriend/girlfriend. I’m not tryna waste more time than whats already been wasted. And i definitely dont want some indecisive dude. Based off your update, i think you made the wrong decision but only time will tell

[DizzyDesii]

Also he said not to wait for him to change his mind... sounds like he doesn't love you as much as you love him and he's trying to nicely set you free 🤷‍♀️

[Simslover92]

He didn't tell me this until after we got together. I didn't know he was feeling indecisive about kids when he asked me to be his girlfriend but I think for now I'm making the right decision. There's other factors on why I made the decision that has more to do with me than him. I had to be honest with myself. I have a lot of issues that need sorting out before I even think about kids and I'm not sure if I would be a fit mom right now. I just had to do a lot of thinking. It wasn't easy but I think I chose right.

[DizzyDesii]

In general, most people usually ask their love interest if they want kids before officially dating. Have you never asked anyone that beforehand?

[Simslover92]

And I don't think that's the case. I think he doesn't want me to resent him is all.

[Simslover92]

He's the first guy I've dated. I didn't think to ask because we talked about having kids before we got together. I'm not sure what changed in him.

[DizzyDesii]

Ohhhh i see now. You’re better than me. Because now I’m triggered. I’ve dated some guys claiming they want kids but then after months/years of dating say, they decided they dont want kids. Not only has it become an ultimate dealbreaker and grounds for breakup, but I feel like they pretended to want the same thing just to keep me. And in my experience that was exactly the case as most admitted to it.

[Simslover92]

I'm sorry that happened with you but I don't think that's what he did with me. I think he just genuinely doesn't know anymore and he has been through a lot so I understand given his backstory why he may not want any. He has a lot of trauma and has had to raise several of his nieces and nephews and siblings so I get why he wouldn't want that right now or even later on in the future. I just came to my own decision to not have kids (at least right now) due to my own things going on with me. If I change my mind, I will have to make the decision to leave him but I don't feel that I will change my mind.

[DizzyDesii]

Yea some of my exes who used the excuse were raising their siblings and nieces/nephews as well. But their excuse was not about that. It was about not wanting to be a parent all of a sudden until their 30s or 40s. You guys are already in that so i dont understand what his excuse could be. But at the same time you know your guy better than we do

[Simslover92]

His excuse now is that he's still raising his nephew whose only 10 and doesn't want to raise a baby of his own just yet if at all. Which is understandable. I wouldn't want to raise a child when I'm practically raising one already.

[DizzyDesii]

I personally would. But i can somewhat understand now. Its like saying one kid is a handful for him. So ig i get it. But like is he the guardian of this child?

[Simslover92]

No he's not but he basically takes care of him like he is the guardian.

[DizzyDesii]

Mmm yea that excuse wouldn't work for me. But its your relationship and so far its working for you so good luck

[Simslover92]

Thanks!

[asphaltrhymes]

Hard to say, in my opinion only, and not any advice, I'd say I could never do a long distance relationship. I'd get bored easily lol and I also feel like it's the opposite of having someone too clingy is someone who's too distant, literally, lol 😋😋😋 best wishes to you 👌😊

[asphaltrhymes]

I'm with that boyfriend, I wouldn't want kids either, marriage maybe, but not kids or offspring or step-kids either. 👍👍😬

[asphaltrhymes]

I'd marry a woman I really liked ('loved') but I'd be not wanting offspring or step-kids. Uh uh.

[Simslover92]

Thanks.

[asphaltrhymes]

@Simslover92 I'd generously and gratefully welcome any answers to any invited questions or my questions lately, anonymous allowed and encouraged, 👍😋

[asphaltrhymes]

@Simslover92 and I forgot, to say please? 😎😜 Have a good day and again, my profile is full of wonderful questions, anonymous answers please welcomed 👍👍👌🥱🥱

[Simslover92]

Ok if I have an answer. Sometimes I don't have one. I'm sorry.

[asphaltrhymes]

@Simslover92 you have a good day now, and thanks inadvance for any, opinions 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 on my profile questions the last week or so 💪🏻 if time permits you or anonymously 😂😆

[asphaltrhymes]

Thank you advance. Sometimes it's fun to at least give an opinion as an answer, doesn't have to be poetic or brilliant answers or opinions. It's GAG after all, let's all be merry and all the best if you find a better boyfriend for a husband for you or whatever you decide 💕😁👍

[slatyb]

"he doesn't maybe want kids or marriage is concerning." ... "kids is definitely something I want"

"I love him so very much" -- So much that you would rather be childless than without him? Because it seems that's your choice -- stay with him, and remain childless, or end it and find a partner who shares your goals.

[DextroShade]

Disagreeing about fate or soul mates or other woowoo crap is not a reason to even consider ending a relationship, but disagreeing about having kids definitely is. At your age you don't have time to dither, you need to straight up tell him that if he won't have a kid with you then you will find someone who will.

[Amanda2447]

Unfortunately yes. Especially if he doesn't want kids. The fact he doesn't want it and he doesn't know if he'll come around. If it ever happens what type of father is he going to be? Unfortunately you have to push yourself to move on

[Simslover92]

Thanks for being honest and you may be right but because he doesn't know for sure and he has talked about having kids with me, I'm not sure if I should just give up so easily.

[Shamalien]

You gave up your desire to reproduce for this guy?

I don't know who’s bad advice you are taking but this is NOT a good decision. You should find a man who wants kids cause plenty do

[Simslover92]

I'm not taking advice from anyone. I looked at all the comments which most said we are incompatible and realized that I had to make a tough decision which is to not have kids if that's what he wants. I really love and want to be with him and I'm not even sure I'm cut out to be a mom. Just because you can reproduce doesn't mean you should.

[DizzyDesii]

And if he drops you like a hot pocket in the days/weeks/months/years to come, you dont think you’d regret the time that you wasted on him? I mean its okay if you won't. Some people don’t cherish future parenthood the way that others do

[Simslover92]

No I don't think I would.

[Shamalien]

You love him more than yourself and that doesn’t end well. He seems more willing to exit the relationship than you. How do you know he’s committed? As a man from the outside it looks like he’s not as committed to this relationship as you

[Simslover92]

I don't love him more than myself. If I feel that I can't live a childfree lifestyle then I will exit the relationship but for now I feel I can. I also think he is just as committed but just doesn't want to hold me back and have me resent him which is understandable. I would feel the same way if things were in reverse.

[DizzyDesii]

But do you at least see why we say you might love him more than he loves you? He said you may want to go because he’ll never change his mind. I dont think he expected you to change yours. It felt like code for setting you free. But like i said, he's your guy so we dont actually know

[Simslover92]

I can see how you might think that but that's not at all what he meant or wants. He wants to be with me just as much as I want to be with him, he just doesn't want kids right now or possibly ever. He's not certain about kids. He didn't say he'll never have them but he just doesn't know right now. He doesn't want to let me go but he just doesn't want to hold me back either if that's not what I want. But I want to be childfree as well right now. If that changes, I will let him go but I'm not going to lie, it won't be easy.

[DizzyDesii]

I understand. :)

[Anemone978]

The most I would wait is 2 years if he still don't want them break up.. because it is a waste of time for both of you.

[WanderingLoveWizard]

You know... you can still love the shit out of him and marry another man. It's called the "friend zone"

[SnowedIn]

It's not that you're incompatible but the kids what/not want is a divide between you. And not one that you'll easily overcome.

[itsalyssaagain]

If he doesn’t want to be married or have kids and you do then you’re not compatible. Unless one of you is willing to change their mind.

[Emanon25]

It sounds like you are wasting your time if he doesn’t want kids or marriage, as you mentioned you are not getting younger, time goes fast.

[Simslover92]

Thanks for being honest and you're right. It definitely does sound that way. But he says he's not sure which is making me want to give it a chance. Maybe he might change his mind.

[Emanon25]

That’s up to you if you want to wait or not, who know how long would it take him to make up his mind and take a decision, to me it would like he’s trying to gain more time. Nobody doesn’t know what he wants or has no idea at least, but he told you before that he doesn’t want kids.

[In_Trance]

So there's obvious signs of incompatibility... but you'll continue to date him

[Actor3]

Whyv are you with him? He must have something you like

[LazerBean]

Yeah, it just sounds like he's using you for sex.

[Simslover92]

He's definitely not using me for sex. He loves me and wants to move in together one day but he's just not sure about the whole family thing.

[LazerBean]

Well yeah, it's easier to use a girl for sex when you're living together.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Yeah thats a compatibility problem.