Have you ever felt strangely aware of your surroundings?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

We are all usually aware of our surroundings m, but have you ever felt like you are in a movie and everything is so chaotic and yet so peaceful around you.

You have a moment to observe and feel everything sensitively, while not feeling anything, just being an observer and feeling everything in a hyper realistic way.

You can hear the sounds of cars and you always heard them but never quite like this, this time you pay attention and listen to the sounds around you, you can see a man outside of the window, laughing hard and being really happy and you feel extra aware of that moment.

As if the time stopped and you sense everything very realistically.

Just happened to me today, it doesn’t usually happen to me.

[BoopBoopBeep]

I always found combat in the context of war peaceful. As cliche as it is, when that massive adrenaline dump happens it really does feel like the world has slowed down around you. There's beauty in the overall chaos, and when you and your team are responding as you trained, there's a fluidity to it like a symphony. Even your sense of smell is heightened, you can smell the sand in the air mixed with the burning off of gunpowder in the barrel and can tell based on wind direction stuff like "okay there's a food vendor over there" or "there's a gas station that way". It's beautiful to catch out of the corner of your eye how the wind will catch the individual particles of sand and reshape the mounds along the sides of the road, blow the trash into natural piles in accordance with the topography of the area, and even minute movement like a shooter in the window setting up for a shot seems so glaringly obvious like someone walked an elephant across the road. At night when the sounds carry more I used to listen to gunfights off in the distance. You can tell the difference in AK47 (7.62x39) and the 5.56 rounds most of coalition/NATO forces carry, so you'd generally know who was winning based on who was firing more/longer. Every so often you'd hear a fight that had a lot of SCAR-H action in it (7.62x51) and you' d know some "other than standard" forces were getting some.

I still remember the first time a.50BMG opened up over my head. There was a car charging our dismounted patrol and I was right under the barrel when the gun truck just unleashed hell. I remember thinking "why is the firing rate reduced so much... and how?" It was operating normally but the adrenaline made it seem slower to me. The smell of cigarettes mixed with gunpowder and dry dusty sand actually tasted good, like a burger you've really been craving for a while. Straight off the grill.

I remember the first time I was almost on the suck end of a 7.62x54mmR. I actually saw the round a second before it blew by my face. Maybe i saw the vortex following it... I don't know, but I knew that standing there was bad and there was something coming at me really fast. It partially severed the side of the chinstrap on my helmet and it sounded like a snake rattle. I later found out that the reason it didn't have the zip sound that incoming rounds normally sound like (we call them mosquitoes) is because it was SO close that imperfections in the round causing asymmetric rotation resulted in a slight wobble and that wobble was the rattle. Since it hit the side of my chinstrap that made sense.

I remember when the bomb went off under my vehicle. I remember the vehicle rocking forward violently and thinking "go limp" since I heard the reason drunk drivers usually walk away when the person they hit doesn't is because they aren't trying to fight the crash they just roll through it. Secondary ambush attacks were big then, so I remember thinking that I really hoped I could tourniquet myself if I needed to fast enough to get back in the fight. I remember the smell of the blast, of the explosive reactive armor detonating as countermeasure and the smell of tranny fluid and gasoline leaking (pouring?) out from the vehicle. I remember the smell of the brakes burning and the tires locked as the vehicle slid to a stop. I distinctly remember not smelling my blood. I remember the radio going apeshite and the other trucks moving in to protect us while we figured otu what was what. I remember how the seconds felt like days when they were hooking us up to tow us to base, which thankfully a small one was only a couple klicks out and I remember how three of us in the back were doing everything we could to get the door open so we could get out there and pull security too. It wasn't until we got back to base and they had to cut the rear doors off did we understand why we couldnt open them. It felt so muggy back there with the A/C dead, and I remember that first breath of fresh air when I jumped out the back and smelling falafel from this guy that sold on the corner across from base every evening. Me and my buddy went over there and bought all the falafel, gave him a huge tip and carried it back to base to share with everybody else. Best falafel I ever had in my life.

I remember getting dropped off in the middle of the desert one time. It was the middle of the night on Christmas eve. As I waited on the Strykers to come pick me up there was utter silence aside from the wind. It was too far out to even have background gunfire audible. Like being in a soundbooth or something, except windy. I was eating a pumpkin cliff bar when the stryker lights flashed and I thought to myself "this is a pretty good way to spend Christmas, if you can't be at home." The smell of the coffee when I got to the new unit's TOC was amazing! It smelled like real shite not that folgers garbage you tell the private to make and it's clear the private has never had real f'ing coffee at any point in his life because then he'd know how shite that tastes. I remember the styrofoam up I got it in, and how it felt smoother than the ones usually in iraq. Like polished river rock smooth... no real texture at all.

Just realized I wrote a book. My bad, all.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Thanks for writing a book, I enjoyed reading it a lot.

I actually didn’t want it to end.

[BoopBoopBeep]

I'm glad you enjoyed it. After collectively 9 years overseas I could have written magnitudes more than that. A good friend I met overseas, she was on her first tour, I was on 5 or 6th. She asked me whta the hardest thing about going home is. I told her you never really go home. Not to the home you left. Life went on without you. People's drama seems really petty and boring afterwards, and it's hard to connect with people who consider crippling adversity when they don't get enough likes on their new social media post. I think it was about 9 months later when she called and told me I was right.

Another time I remember hugging a guy I'd gone through pre-deployment trainig with. It was going to be the last time I saw him before stepping off. We were originally going to get to deploy together but he had to stay behind to deal with some clearance issues. He was bummed. I was bummed. He was a good guy, and he really wanted to spend his first tour at the "new job" with me. I remember telling him that it sucked, and I wished he'd be there, but there'd be other tours, too, and he had to get this squared away now so it wouldn't jam him up later. It would have been my honor to fight with him. He was very smart, very capable, and would have been a huge asset to the team. Then he found out his woman was cheating on him at some point while I was deployed. He put on his dress uniform, a noose around his neck and stepped off the second story rafters in their new home. I didn't know for about a month because I didn't have email access where I was. I was sipping a double espresso at this great little italian cafe. It was a great pull with nice, sweet nuttiness and the porcelain demitasse cup was heavy and warm. It wasn't a crap cup and I remember thinking "ah the finer things in life."

The title of the email was just "[his name] is dead"
The body was just. "He hanged himself last weekend. Nothing follows."

[BoopBoopBeep]

I still remember the smell of his cologne from when I hugged him bye that last time and how I'd always give him a ration of shite because his hands were really soft from all the skincare stuff he used. "You can't have hands looking like ass when the rest of you looks this good" he'd joke with me. My hands are all scarred up and permanently calloused, and he'd always bust my balls for it. Don't get me wrong, he wasn't some pretty boy. He was a warrior through and through, he just wanted to still be able to pull off the GQ thing. And he did, well.

The smell of the espresso as I'd raised the glass to my mouth felt so flat after that.

I did a thing where I'd go get a glass of chai after a mission finalized and really enjoy it. Not like the billion cups of it I'd throw down during meets or whatever. I'd find a place I really liked to go that made good chai and had nice munchies and go there to unwind before I'd have to go do all the post-mission paperwork. There are those people that you'd jump off a bridge to grab and figure out on the way down how to safely land. I have no doubt that he would have held the line with me against anything we could face deployed, but his biggest fight was at home. I'm sorry that I wasn't there when he felt alone. It is with profound sadness that I'll never be able to take him to my favorite chai place, wherever it happened to be on that tour.

[msc545]

Boop you really should consider writing a book. You write Absolutely beautifully

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Your stories came close to my heart.

Even though there has only been a 5 day war between Russia and Georgia when I was 11 and my life hasn’t been as filled with tragedies as yours seem to have been.

It’s interesting how different roads can lead to the same realizations. I, too, have felt that once you leave home, you never ever go back.

I have asked myself, which one is harder, leaving home or going back? Probably going back is much harder.

Everything seems to be the same you left and yet, you are not the same anymore.

At some point, you stand at the door of your own home and you hesitate, you feel scared to knock. I don’t know why, probably that’s a subconscious realization that you’ve changed so much, is it really your home now?

I left Georgia to go to China when I was 22. At that time I thought going to China was almost equal to killing myself as in my eyes, China was one of the worst countries in the world and yet, thinking so, I still came here, just wanted to see if I’d make it here.

In the end, It turned into my home and I was often feeling guilty that I was feeling home here much more often than back at my real home.

I even fell in love here, got engaged, my life totally changed and I was not the person I was when I left my country at 22.

Then at 23 pandemic started and I took a 2 week trip back to home, to renew visa and come back to OUR home to my fiance, who became my new home and who I loved more than I thought I was capable of loving.

China locked itself down for most foreigners, he couldn’t leave and I couldn’t enter for 1.5 year even though we attempted lots of times. I made it my goal, to make it back to him. He told me of so many ways, he’d make me happy when I’d be back.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

We called every single day for 2 years. He planned our wedding for the time I’d be back. I dreamed of going back every night and every morning I was looking for ways to sneak into China.

We called and called. Until one day he didn’t call anymore. He kept renting our penthouse for 2 years and then one day, he packed my things in and moved out.

He said maybe it would be better if we’d give up on our fate and just give in the fact that the universe treated us in a very cruel way and maybe for both of our happiness, it was better to give up.

He broke up with me, 3 weeks after the last time he proposed. After 3.5 years together and 2 years of long distance.

It’s funny that 2 months after that I managed to go back.

During my long distance I often sympathized to warriors, who go far from their loved ones and never know if and when they return.

Finally I managed to go back, but unlike as he promised for 2 years, there was no one to wait for me there. He left the city 1 week before I went back. And told me it would be hard to see me for him as it would awaken his pain and his feelings that he tried to kill in himself to be able to keep living when I was gone.

I went to our old home, which I dreamed about every night when I was stuck in my country,

but when I went there, I couldn’t dare cross the street and go near the place, where I once was so happy and where I once felt like at my real home.

I wanted to keep that home in my memory the way I remembered.

[BoopBoopBeep]

@msc545 Aw thanks buddy! Maybe one day when I get to retire and have time to fill out the massive boxes of paperwork I'd have to submit to get approval, because the government is stupid and will Hunt for Red October me ;)

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

But I felt lost and homeless at that time.

I understand that friend of yours, and I feel hurt for him that he had to experience this pain and that the pain was so much that he couldn’t handle it.

I don’t think my story compares to his, as his pain must have been much more intense, but I feel like I can relate to him.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

And yeah, I agree with @msc545, you should definitely write a book.

[BoopBoopBeep]

@lafemmefatale_1 That was really beautiful. Thank you for sharing. "Beautiful"... but I mean... I know that sucks and I'm so sorry that happened, but your words really resonated with me. Maybe you can help me write that book one day.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Thank you, I am glad, this at least, makes a beautiful story.

And thanks for reading it.

I hope someday, I can write a book too.

And that would be an honor if I could somehow help you write that book. But I am sure, there’s already a book living in your mind, that just needs to be brought out on the paper.

[BoopBoopBeep]

COVID caused so many losses. Not just the human toll, but the toll on relationships, mental health, economically, the intangibles...

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

It did. I lost my grandpa to Covid on my 25th birthday.

[BoopBoopBeep]

I'm so sorry. I lost 4 coworkers but nobody I was close to. I was the one that ended up getting it badly so I guess everyone else almost lost someone on my end.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I am happy you didn’t lose anyone you were close to and I am happy you made it alive.

My grandpa’s heart stopped twice on my birthday, I didn’t ever think he would die, because he was the strongest one out of the family, even at his age of 82, he looked like he was 60 and he has been through so much and made it through all, I thought I was more likely to die at 25, that he at - 82.

On my 25th birthday I had just one wish, I am not religious but asking god, if he existed, I asked as my birthday wish - to cut down 5 more years of my life and give it to my grandpa. He was the sweetest person I knew.

I feel good and less sad when I think that I carry him in my blood and that 25% of who I am is made up by who he was. It comforts me knowing that, wherever I go, he’s there with me because I am part of him.

Well, pandemic really changed everyone’s life in so many ways.

[BoopBoopBeep]

He is there with you :) Absolutely. I'm sure that's what he'd want you to always remember

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Thank you 😇

[dynamicyandere]

What you describe reminds me of mindfulness meditation.


Most of the time, people try to do this intentionally.


But, perhaps you stumbled upon it.


Most of the time, we tune out all sorts of busy stimuli that’s around us.


But when we’re quieting our minds and practicing mindfulness, being fully present in the moment, we’re able to pay attention to sights and sounds and smells and textures with much greater sharpness.


Less thinking. More being.


Usually, we’re so busy that we don’t allow ourselves to be fully present to fully experience our surroundings.

[Sparkie460]

That's similar to the saying "take time to stop and smell the roses ". You just sit there and just stare into space but you listen to everything going on around you. You can hear the wind blowing, birds chirping, animals rustling in the brush, woodpeckers pecking at the trees. You are just at peace.

[Wise4myage]

Sure, when I am alone, out in nature.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Doesn’t it feel very strange?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I have felt that in nature as well, but I can’t recall many times it happened when I was not alone. Today I felt that in a crowded city.

[Wise4myage]

Pretty amazing huh?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

That was amazing and on top of that, it felt a bit scary, cause It made me feel strangely lonely. And I don’t usually feel so.

[Wise4myage]

I can understand that.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Have you felt that way after having a very stressful day or have you felt that way just randomly?

[Wise4myage]

It was random, and only happened when I hiking.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

For me, I think that was because I had a tough day today.

[Wise4myage]

That makes perfect sense.:)

[CuriousMufuxka]

Not all 3 at the same time. I have felt otherwise live, like every movement is being watched in a sense of over awareness. Roll with it.

[justabuddy]

I'm sure I have, but I can't recall a time when that happened.

[Agape93]

Welcome to trauma

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

What trauma is that?

[Agape93]

Ptsd. It makes you hyper aware

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

But I don’t remember getting any trauma lately. It’s just been a very stressful month or two.

[Agape93]

Stress can cause or result from it. After all, ptsd is post traumatic STRESS disorder.

[Jennz6]

Tell me more

[EaterPeter]

Yes.