Does reconciliation take less time if the cheater confesses vs they get caught?

[Anonymous]

My parents cheated on each other decades ago; either I wasn't even born or I was just a toddler. While one of them got caught red-handed big time and the other actually confessed.

Let's say the person decides to forgive and work things out and both are on the same page of rebuilding the relationship and trust. After all if someone wanted to work things out and reconcile, that can be achieved regardless of how the cheating was discovered.. even if it was the worst case of scenario of catching them in the act.

But seriously, would the process of R after a confession take less time then if the cheater got caught?

Updates

+1 y

The first cheater was the one caught and the 2nd cheater (done in revenge years later) was the one that confessed.

[Finchie40]

Well the truth is 2 wrongs don’t make a right , by your parents cheating on each other was the answer that they shouldn’t of stayed together after the first cheating occurred period , Most people stay together for the wrong reasons , especially married people with kids , they stay together thinking it’s the right thing to do for the kids sake and thinking that love will save the day , when someone can cheat on their partner, there is no love , The cheater only loves themselves they only see things their way and don’t care what their partner feels. They just like the convenience of their partner but they truly don’t love them , when someone truly loves you they won’t cheat on you period , People will try to sugarcoat it all they want but the truth is they don’t really value their partner period , For love to grow in a relationship both partners have to make each other their top priority , remove selfishness for each other , sacrifice for each other , understanding they can’t always be right and their partner is wrong , understanding not to point fingers at their partner before pointing fingers at themselves first. Most people jump into relationships without looking at the big picture first , they are just infatuating by each other but as time goes on they realize they really don’t have much in common and that’s when resentments usually come into play. I no longer jump into a serious relationship with a girl until I feel she is really in it for the long haul and she proves to me that she isn’t selfish. Sadly most people in general are selfish people

[Asker]

yeah and the cold, sad reality is if they would've gone their separate ways after mom cheated first then neither me nor my younger twin sisters would've ever been born. So basically, my dad taking her back (she was just his girlfriend when she cheated in 1992) and they still getting married in 1996 (4 years after her cheating) is the reason for my very existence. Supposedly they love each other in their own unique ways I guess. That's definitely not the type of love I would want in my marriage.
My head was spinning all over the place upon reading dad's journal. I'll never understand the part about mom getting caught (literally in the act, on top of the guy) cheating with dad's former friend in his house, on his couch. How is dad able to live with that all these years and what good he still saw in her to marry her, I'll never know. If my husband cheated with my good friend on our couch or bed and I were to literally catch them in the act, I would find that unforgivable and divorce him ASAP.
At least when dad cheated back in revenge by 2000 (though they were married by then), he did felt guilt on his part, stopped the affair and confessed himself. He got forgiven immediately; it makes sense I guess... mom couldn't be a hypocrite, lol. It still wasn't right what he did though.

The irony to all of this ''what the hell'' messy past they had is I really thought I had the perfect family. It's only been a year since reading dad's old journal. I was 24 when I find all that out. Otherwise if I had never read all that, I would've never guessed they had past infidelity issues decades ago. All my concepts of commitment, love, morals and values come from them, lol. Unlike them, I was a virgin when my now husband met me. I tried to save myself till marriage but gave in during our engagement. So yeah ironic isn't it; my parents with that messy past raised and I turned out to be a faithful woman with good values. I got nothing to complain. I'll give them credit for that.

[Asker]

Even more ironic to the story... mom was the stricter parent, lol.

[Finchie40]

Yea that’s a shock to me as well , I don’t tolerate cheating period , if a girl can cheat on me she is best to just leave cuz my ass isn’t taking her back period. That’s probably why your Dad ended up cheating on her , probably for revenge is my guess , still doesn’t make everything ok , cuz not only is the relationship effected the kids are as well

[Asker]

Yeah in his journal he said it was for revenge and to make him feel better, to make him feel like a man again. He didn't even had too much feelings for the co-worker he cheated with. He used that woman for his revenge, faked emotions with her. That was the first time he ever used a woman for sex.
But he felt disgusted with himself afterwards, he felt bad that he scooped low, bad about the man he had become, bad about throwing away his morals. Then he saw all the effort mom had made over the years, her continuously expressing remorse over it, becoming a better person (the devoted wife many want, good mother to the kids, good cook, etc) that he confessed.
Then after dad's shorter reconciliation sessions, they made a deal of not bringing back their cheating ever again (she doesn't say anything about his affair and he shuts up about hers) and that this was their secret to themselves. That was the day they decided that topic was dead and buried, never to be brought up again.

I can't really say we were affected since I was already a full grown-up (and living with my then fiance by then) when I found his journal and my sisters still think we're the ideal, perfect family. Neither my sister nor anyone in the family nor friends know what I know now.

[Finchie40]

Does your mom know he cheated on her or does she not know? Whatever the case, it sounds like your parents worked things out and put the past behind them and hopefully things get better between them moving forward , the fact that they both cheated on each other I guess stops them from pointing fingers at each other lol

[Asker]

Yes she knows. Guilt got to him and he confessed it all to her. He got forgiven immediately. She was actually more lenient towards him (even thought it was deserved lol... she didn't blame him too much) vs when she cheated back then. I guess it's easier for reformed cheaters to forgive, likely out of guilt for what they caused by cheating first.
Yup that's been long worked out already. I wasn't even born when mom cheated and I was only 2 years old when dad cheated. They've been married for 27 years by now. Since they're happy, I'll just keep their secret to myself. I guess there is no point in rocking the boat by now.

[AviatorTom]

It might make reconciliation possible... and shorter than if the cheater gets caught. It depends on the confession, why did the cheater cheat, how does the cheater feel now, and does the cheater care for you?

[Asker]

yeah definitely there is a difference between catching them in the act and them actually confessing. In the end, if the origin of why they cheated is worked on, the cheater expresses remorse and is on the same page of repairing the damage... I guess the relationship can be saved. Just that I imagine the one with the visuals would take more time with possibly individual counseling to get rid of the trauma of what the person saw.

[Caramalkisses23]

I think it depends. If I was cheated on and my spouse confessed, I’ll be more likely to forgive and move on. If they got caught then it would be harder for me to trust you and I would probably question every little thing at that point moving forward.
Now I’m not saying the relationship can’t be fixed because I forgave and accepted a lot. And honestly, it comes down to your specific relationship. Having clear communication and learning to compromise, and also both partners have to be willing to make things right.
So to answer your question- I think if a person confesses, the likelihood of reconciliation is higher.

[Asker]

Exactly. The way how you find out really can make a difference. I accidentally read my dad's old journal last year that explains their cheating history, oops... shouldn't have information not meant for me. The reconciliation period when mom cheated when she was then dad's girlfriend was much longer. Then again, she cheated with former friend, it wasn't a ONS and he literally caught them doing it in his couch... ouch. Somehow she gets forgiven, they worked it out and get married 4 years later.
Even with marriage, dad wasn't really over it. He cheated back (out of revenge) in 2000 but unlike her, he actually confessed. He didn't want a prolonged counseling session anymore. Meanwhile it took several years to work it out when mom cheated, the R period when dad cheated took less than a year. Then agan, he got forgiven immediately. It got rebuilt over the years though.
They're at a better place now and I guess love each other in their own ways. Frankly I can't ever understand the point of cheating. I'm married and can't imagine ever doing what they did.

[DizzyDesii]

Confessing just gives me closure. He can still gtfo

[Asker]

True. I'm like that on cheating too. I wouldn't ever tolerate infidelity in my marriage.

[DizzyDesii]

I tolerated a cheater in my first relationship, not by staying with him but by breaking up and then taking him back whenever he returned claiming he changed. I made enough mistakes in that first relationship to last a lifetime. I haven't tolerated a cheater since.

[Asker]

My mind is puzzled by my parents' past infidelity history towards each other and they're still married. I accidentally read dad's journal last year. I always thought they had the perfect marriage and we were the perfect family, lol. Even more puzzling, my mom cheated first when they were just boyfriend and girlfriend (I wasn't even born back then), gets caught with his former friend, he forgives her, they still get married 4 years later, dad cheats years later (I'm a 2 year-old toddler when he cheated back), they worked things out again and supposedly trust has been rebuilt since and they got stronger since. We've been married for 27 years by now. Puzzling isn't it?

[DizzyDesii]

Your parents had that toxic love lol. Bad for one another but the sex was just too good ig 😂 Or they didn't want to be alone. As for your relationship, hopefully it remains cheat free

[blueonblack22]

Some people are going to say “oh cheating is cheating and good riddens regardless”. In principle I get that.

But there is a huge difference between someone who confessed and owns up to their bs vs. someone who lies, hides it or worse gaslights when they get caught.

That doesn’t mean the former will always be forgiven or deserves reconciliation. But there is a difference between genuinely admitting your wrong vs. having zero respect for the other person.

[LiamJHayden]

I would think the confession would show some level of penitence and would better facilitate a reconciliation than someone who only stops because he or she gets caught.

[Asker]

Indeed. I think dad was the better person for at least confessing instead of getting caught. The reconciliation process in his cheating took less than a year in comparing to mom's cheating.

In addition, when it only stops because they got caught... even if they are remorseful afterwards, it still makes you wonder if they've really changed for the better or still have the mentality of wishing they can get away with cheating.

[strateguy632]

faster because confessed, if possible to reconcile, but remember the film the firm? she was mad even when confessed

[Asker]

yeah in the end no one wants to be cheated on. Though between dealing with catching them right in the act (not just deal with the fact they went behind your back many times and the lies but also live with the visual image forever if you work it out with them) vs them confessing but never have to see it... them confessing it's the least painful way.
With confessing at least there is a sign of remorse since they stopped the affair themselves and told you afterwards vs the affair stopping because you had to catch them or god knows how much longer it would've continued.

[bolverk]

What your parents did would rarely happen today.

Today there would be no reconciliation irrespective of being caught or confessing, this due to divorce being so 'easy' obtainable in comparison too the past, these days its 'one and done'.

[Asker]

yeah when mom cheated way back in 1992, neither youtube, cell phones nor FB existed at the time. The only evidence of her cheating was my dad catching her with his former friend and his journal he wrote aobut it (I accidentally found his old journal last year in the basement) but nothing else. She was his girlfriend at the time and well they still worked things out and proceeded to marriage 4 years later.
Then when dad cheated years later (I was then 2 years old), he actually confessed. It was 2000 by then and social medias still weren't as advanced as today. Nowadays a cheater would get easily exposed publically for all the world to see. Only my parents know of each others' cheating and no one else. Well I do know because of the journal, lol.

[Asker]

I think another reason more people leave cheaters is also because of the availability of social media access. It's nowadays easily exposed and now the whole world knows if you took back a cheater and you don't want to be the laughing stock of your town nor workplace.

[lightbulb27]

not sure. It's the recognition of change required that would start the process. Gotta find the roots of the problem and address those.

[Asker]

True. Both parties have to be on the same page of working things out and finding the origin of the problem.

[blissinanarchy1]

If you fuck someone else, we’re done. Simple. You made your bed, learn to lay in it.

[Asker]

That's how me, you and others think but some like my parents chose a different route. I guess they are few people that can live with that and work things out.

[EaterPeter]

It's a real hurt they have caused it may or may not be their fault if it is, it is NOT doing right thing.

[Asker]

Yet the irony is my good values on love and marriage comes from them. I grew up thinking my younger twins sisters and I had the big, perfect family. I never knew my parents cheated on each other decades ago until I accidentally read dad's journal last year. That's information they kept to themselves, no one knows that, not even my grandparents.

[EaterPeter]

Can mom and dad answer that question?

[Asker]

The issue is I was never suppose to find out about that information. In his journal, he stated that no one should know it, not even my sisters and I, no one. Apparently that's something they kept among themselves, worked it out and buried it.
They would likely be taken by total surprise if I were to ask them about it, wondering where I got that from, why I know it, etc.

[EaterPeter]

You took the dirty secret of diary that is why I am worried of writing ✍️ things now you have to live with that curse would you be willing to take it to your grave? You can't make it unknown any more

[EaterPeter]

Unknown to your self * cause now you know

[Asker]

yeah I wish I had never read it. Curiosity got the best of me and now I regret reading it. I wish I had remained with the same ignorance of the ideal, perfect family my younger twin sisters has. They don't know it.

[EaterPeter]

Some secrets are better kept secret, all the best!

[EaterPeter]

You have it shared here so it should not bug you a lot

[Asker]

yeah I don't plan on telling anyone in the family nor friends. I guess if they're happy by now (in their own ways), then it's no point rocking the boat.

[mommymommymommy]

Never take a cheater back. It's like saying "I don't respect myself, enough to say "no more"

[Asker]

I don't ever tolerate cheating in my marriage. If my husband cheated, it would be over but I actually wouldn't want anything from him. I got my own stuff.
Yet I have to accept the cold reality that if my parents haven't forgiven each other and worked it out, neither me nor my 2 younger twin sisters would've been born and been a better version of them. In the end, they raised 3 well brought-up daughters with better morals than them and gave us all a good upbringing. I have to give them credit for that.

[mommymommymommy]

Even though they hated each other

[Asker]

Not according to my dad's journal. His journal (well I accidentally read it last year) ended by saying trust was rebuilt and they love each other still. I guess people can love each other in their own ways. The love they have isn't the type of love I have in my marriage.

[mommymommymommy]

They might have just been "staying for the kids"

[Asker]

But I'm already 25, married and haven't been living with them for a while. My twin sisters are 20 year-olds and live on their own.
If they wanted to, they could've divorced when my sisters turned 18 don't you think? They don't.

[mommymommymommy]

Not really

[Asker]

Then in your opinion, why are my parents still married if none of us are minors anymore and we've all moved out?

[mommymommymommy]

A lie

[Reorx]

What reconcilliation? There would be none in my scenario.

[Asker]

I know. Many people (including me too) would ditch someone that cheated. If my husband cheats, I'm leaving him.
However, there are few people like my parents that choice the other route of working it out. I found that out by accidentally reading dad's journal last year. Mom cheated first and she got caught, she gets forgiven, they worked it out, they still get married 4 years later, then dad cheats at some point but he actually confesses and they worked things out again. They've stayed married for 27 years by now. By logic, I assume confessing (like dad did) would get a maybe 20% chance of other working it out vs getting caught in the act, diminishing it to 1-3%.

[monghjay2]

nah im good

she can go die in a ditch

and go inside the fire

[jahaims]

I wouldn't reconcile with a cheater

[Asker]

Me neither but I guess it works out for some people.