How should I cope with rejection from a girl I really care about?

[Anonymous]

Could you girls pls help me? A girl I used 2 work with and consider a friend was about 2 change her workplace. I had always liked her as a friend, but 2 mo before she left it turned into something deeper. I thought it was mutual (she seemed to like me, too, I probably read 2 much into it). A wk before she left, I felt emotional and told her after work that I thought she was a wonderful person. As it happens 2everyone, I got rejected (in a nice way;but I feel stupid 2have put her in this situation and kinda under pressure;I also think she‘s not over her last relationship yet..).. she said that I was a kind guy and saw me as a friend and didn’t really know what 2say, 2which I said that was ok. We then talked about other things and hugged goodbye. The next day was awkward, I avoided going 2lunch (probably a mistake bc it showed her how much it affects me). On her last day, she hugged me goodbye.
I text her a good start but then refrained from contacting her (I felt heartbroken, missed her every day). After 1 mo, I sent her an email, thanked her for her honesty and kind reaction. I wrote that I respect her feelings and would like 2repair our friendship, bc I value her as a friend (this is true;I care about her deeply;but I know that I can‘t change the way she feels)
She didn‘t reply 2 my email…it‘s been 4mo and I still struggle with my emotions. I have not tried 2call or contact her, wanted 2 give her space and I think she would have replied if she had intended to.. her silence is taking a toll on me, makes me ask a lot of questions (why did I have to tell her? did she ever care about our friendship? is it supposed 2end like this?) and I don‘t know why she thinks she has 2 ignore me.
I understand that I should move on, forget about a relationship. However, I am surprised and struggling that this broke our friendship (her reaction and our conversation did not feel like this at all)…I can‘t help but care about her. What would you do? would you try to recontact her?

[provokeesmokee]

Yeah... No, dude, you took it way too far. I get it, feelings are rough sometimes, but it feels like you blew the importance of your friendship with her way too much.

She's ghosting because, I'd assume, she's a bit freaked out by your gushing of emotion and need for her friendship. Distance keeps you safely away, and if she avoids talking it'll hopfully subside.

But you need to calm down, accept this friendship likely won't happen, and you may want to seek some counselling. Or even just talk to your friends when you feel this way.

I get the impression when you feel, you feel intensely. And there's no issue with that. However, presenting that emotion in ways that aren't overbearing, and keeping up with casual conversation are important skills in building relationships (both friendships and romances).

Give yourself time. You'll get over and through this in time.

[Asker]

Thanks for your valuable opinion! May I ask you some questions to clarify?
You‘re right, I am an empath, so I am rather agreeable and when I care about someone, I care deeply. So I should be careful how I express these emotions in the beginning (although it’s hard when you misread the signals). Also, it‘s maybe important to know that my first girlfriend (when we were both about 20) broke up with me and then ghosted me, so this current experience probably triggered some old, quite deep wounds..
-So, by ‚took it way too far‘, do you mean that I overestimated the importance of our relationship (from her point of view)? Or do you mean I went too far with the email I sent her? (English is not my mother tongue by the way)
-I want to at least learn from this painful experience. So I agree that my emotions might have freaked her out, but how should I have proceeded otherwise? (to clarify: I didn‘t of course tell/write her anything about the emotional rollercoaster I‘m on, the email was neutral, just thanking her, hoping that we could repair a friendship I valued if she wanted to)
-I mean, I wanted to make it clear that when we message or run into each other, I would not pursue her or pressurize her, as I understand that she can‘t change/help her feelings, but that her rejection did not change anything about the fact that I value her as a person…do you know what I mean? I don‘t know how else I could convey this message to her? (simply not do it? but then she could think that I ignore her and don‘t value her)
-I would personally never ignore someone (well, unless they start to troll/stalk me), so I wonder if she just thought less of it and doesn‘t care very much or if it‘s more that I scared her with my openness?
-the last months/music/meditation and doing things with friends helped me to calm down, process the rejection/loss of the friendship, but I‘m still feeling bad about the way this turned out, so any advice is welcome :).
Thanks!

[provokeesmokee]

Oh shit, so many questions. I'll try to get to them all.

Yes, you need to go slower with your display of attachment. I'm similar, highly empathetic, quick to attach, and (formerly worse) ride n' die mentality. It does take some emotional discipline and control of your behaviours connected to those emotions, but being able to recognize the other person's pace and vibe are important skills to maintaining a healthy relationship.

If you have issues from your ex, get therapy and work through them. Don't try to process your ex while dating someone new. Process first, then date again.

The issue was not how you approached her to rekindle friendship. That was not too bad. It was the fact you bombarded her frequently and the quickly tried to ask for forgiveness. Everything was too much, too soon, including your attempt at reconciliation.

It isn't that she's afraid of your openness. It's just that you've given the impression you'll be needy, desperate, and definitely someone who will misinterpret platonic friendship for potential romance.

I think you're already learning from this and, if you keep the lessons in mind, you'll probably not run into this (as badly) next time.

Dating, like every other skill, takes practice. It's okay not to be ultra smooth every time. Just learn and reflect, remember that pacing is important, and keep trying.

[Asker]

Thank you!! 🙏🏼 Interesting that you feel the attempt was too soon - I read an article from a psychologist who wrote on the contrary that it would be best to attempt this as soon as possible. It kind of made sense to me the way he described that when we declare feelings and the other person doesn‘t reciprocate, we become ‚unpredictable‘ (and therefore kind of scary) to them, which is why he suggested to act normally and/or clear things as soon as possible. But I suppose it‘s different for everyone. Also, I didn‘t feel that 1 (really short) message to wish her a good start and 1 email after more than a month (without any other communication) would be considered a ‚bombardment‘, but you‘re probably right that she felt like I didn‘t respect her space, even though that‘s what I wanted to show her…do you also sometimes feel misunderstood or sad that people get you wrong? I mean she‘s known me for almost two years and I would‘ve thought she knows me better than that…and ghosting is just something I would never do to anyone bc I know the devastating effects it can have…in the end we’re all human and have our strenghts as well as out flaws I guess…also, rejection usually means there‘s some sort of incompatibility. Anyhow, I wish her happiness with all of my heart. And thank you for your kindness!

[provokeesmokee]

A timely apology is best, but that assumes you have open lines of communication.

At that point, you'd already scared her into ghosting you.

Being desperate doesn't appeal.

I suggest you consider speaking with a professional about your quick attachment style. They could help you best determine how you can calm that attachment down.

It'll be a worthwhile effort.

You got this!
Making friends and socializing can be harder than we expect. Practice, keep trying, and don't give up on yourself.

You seem genuinely interested in becoming a better communicator and that's the key.

Best of luck, friend!

[Asker]

Thanks - and you‘re a genuinely nice person :)! Best of luck to you, too!

[Asker]

I just found a great video ‚cityline - the psychology behind ghosting‘. I understand that my emotions might have been overbearing, but I think that ghosting is never a good way to deal with any fellow human being 🥲

[provokeesmokee]

Unfortunately, @overthinker85, YOUR feelings aren't really the factor of whether or not you get ghosted.

You made the choices and acted in ways that pushed people away.

Could they "be nicer"? Sure. But so could you.

You can't control whether someone ghosts you or not. All you can do is control how you react to it.

[Asker]

You‘re right, friend 👍🏼

[jennifer_bloom]

It does not seem like she is worth your time cause she did not care enough to reply to your messages after she turned you down. You are a kind person, and you can find a kind woman who will appreciate what you offer her, you don't need to invest more time in this girl, she does not appear to be interested, and there is also no sign of a potential for future interest either. You don't have to be the best to get a girl cause there are girls that are not the best that also struggle to get a guy. Find somebody you think you have a chance with, and see if your new love interest becomes a girlfriend to you one day. It just takes practice and you get better with time.

[_Maya_]

This is what happens when you try to make someone more out of a friendship. You risk losing everything. That is what has happened here. All you can do is give it time and hope she decides you two can be friends. That might take some time though. I wouldn't say she didn't care about the friendship but you crossed a line or tried to cross into a different type of relationship with her and she was surprised. I bet it is hard for her right now to look at you as a friend with everything that happened.

[Asker]

I agree with you. What can you do when you fall in love? It just happens.. and you could also gain everything (unless you misread the signs)…it‘s really bitter to lose both a ‚dream‘ and a friend.. so I will give it time…thank you!

[_Maya_]

You're welcome and yeah give it some time. That's all you can do.

[HelpfulWoman]

A lot of times, work friends become meaningless when the work place changes. a bit like how you have friends in primary/secondary school but when you leave that situation, you realise there was nothing in common and you don't really stay in touch.
You just sort of need to keep on with life. people leave, it's not abnormal.

[Asker]

I think that because she did not reciprocate my feelings, she would now keep her distance (to not give any wrong signals) even if the friendship had meant something to her. It’s sad to realize to have lost a friendship through one’s own fault. But as you say, I can’t make anyone stay in touch unless they want to. All I can do is sort my feelings and keep going. Thank you!

[Nikki1989]

This sadly happens to men all the time. You think something is there when it really isn't. Just get over it and move on.