Why do many men want to push relationships forward when they’re in a crisis?

[Anonymous]

[Screenwriter]

This is an interesting question. And I think it's quite obvious what the answer is.

Men in crisis need help and they cast a broad net around to get it. They may stay in a bad relationship because it's all they know, or go into a relationship that is unstable just to have a float to cling to in their emotional storm.

If more men went into the safety of therapy, they'd be far better off. There is no time that it's worse for someone to launch into or stay in a poor relationship then during a crisis.

Pay a professional for their expertise and in a short time (13 sessions or fewer for ONE problem) you might come to a happy conclusion.

[Asker]

Great answer. Can you expand more on why there’s no worse time to enter a relationship than when in crisis…

[Asker]

Is it really always a bad thing? If it’s just a temporary band aid I agree, but if it opens up doors to something deeper, I’d question that.

[Screenwriter]

Because you're rushing to a relationship as the answer to a personal problem and when you're unstable. The best time to enter a relationship is when you're well and doing well, not on the verge of desperation. That usually means you'll settle for anyone who comes along, whether they're appropriate for you or not.

[Asker]

So you think when people feel vulnerable they’ll always settle for something that doesn’t necessarily feel right? I agree that can happen, but I’m just not sure it’s always the case. It may be more common, who knows.

[Screenwriter]

Think of an extreme case. If you're addicted to opiods, you'll choose to hang around people who use them and deal them. Addiction means all sorts of social and cultural norms are dropped by the wayside to feed your addiction.

You think an addict cares who they connect with, because they are always in crisis, going from one hit to getting the next? Of course they don't. They hang with similar people as a means to an end.

If someone is in crisis, emotional, physical, financial, or mental, everyone else is a float. They don't care if the other person drowns, if they can keep their heads above water.

In lifesaving class the first rule of thumb is, don't let anyone drown YOU. You can try to lend a hand, but if they grab you around the neck, or won't keep the flotation device between you and them while you swim them ashore, you LET THEM GO. At least only one person drowns.

Never put yourself in danger. Though anyone can HAVE a crisis. Crises are intermittent. Healthy people are usually well and snap back after some stressors.

Choosing someone who is in crisis to BEGIN a relationship with is patently unhealthy. You cannot help someone who is in crisis who you do not know and have no history with. And if you are not a mental health professional. And no mental health professional would ever try to treat their SO.

So just a rabbit hole of all-wrongs.

[love_conquers_lust]

I felt like you just described me. You were pretty spot on with the broad net comment.

However, do you see the paradoxical nature of both me refusing to include therapy in said broad net and in looking outward instead of inward in trying to solve my problems. Do you understand the fundamental difference between genders in that I try to solve problems, not just voice them? Unsolved problems bug the shit out of me.

It helps venting. I inadvertently DUMP on others around me which effectively serve as therapeutic sessions. But it’s more than just venting, there’s also discussions of solutions. But the problems will still be there after the sessions are done if no solution is found.

Therapy looks like something for people who have impaired emotional regulation to begin with. I have some unsolvable problems and there is absolutely nothing wrong with how I am responding, in my opinion. It’s how any healthy human would respond. In that event, a therapist trying to reprogram me so I no longer feel pain is a very, very, very invasive way of dealing with it.

You make a wise observation, but your treatment plan is not keeping with my mantra. I believe you call that toxic masculinity. But in other contexts, that same resolve is praised. That’s why it can be extremely frustrating and sometimes enraging to hear when I’m criticized for it. So, your advice can come off as hostile and it’s further affirmation that there REALLY is a lack of perspective understanding between genders. Or perhaps you already understood that. I don’t know. I find too many people are not willing to admit when they’re wrong these days, ESPECIALLY between genders.

[Screenwriter]

@love_conquers_lust I am all about solutions. This has little to do with gender, in my opinion. It has to do with reasonable and rational approaches to living a healthy life.

And one thing that is unhealthy is using an SO primarily for therapy. You make the very clear statement: you DUMP on people. And you KNOW you do this, so it's not inadvertent. It's a habit.

No one wants their relationship to substitute for needed therapy. You wouldn't do this to a friend, why would you do it to someone you purport to love?

Therapists do not "reprogram" you. They simply offer you better tools to solve your own problems, because they are professionals in the use of a host of therapeutic tools. Your friends and woman are not psychiatrists, psychologists or social works, life coaches or other counselors, all trained in leading people toward managing their life problems in the healthiest ways possible.

And yes, therapy IS invasive. Therapists seek to find the source of your problems, clarify that for you and present you with options to work on eliminating the problem.

[Screenwriter]

Every problem is solvable, and the fact that you say you have "unsolvable" problems is rather disturbing. How do you know they're unsolvable if you haven't consulted anyone who's an expert? And I'm not saying solutions will be quick for entrenched, long-term problems. They won't be.

But a loving partner doesn't vent and dump on their SO. Sure, you can have discussions about problems, but there is only so much room in your relationship and only limited expertise with a partner. Even if your partner IS a psychiatrist. They would never treat a SO. That's unethical and a terrible strain on your SO.

I don't call it toxic masculinity. There's nothing wrong with trying to solve some of your problems. But everyone needs help with difficult issues. And there is no therapy that makes a person no longer feel pain. Pain is a part of human existence. Therapy teaches us how to deal with pain and to find solutions to a large portion of USELESS pain.

[love_conquers_lust]

Your message had a condescending and irritating tone. I think this is a case of a waiting for one’s turn to speak rather than listen.

I don’t agree with you on this being gender independent.

I’m not disclosing personal medical information to you. The so called experts themselves told me my fucking problem was unsolvable.

We’re arguing dosage of said negativity, the semantics of“dumps”.

I believe there is therapy that does make things painless.

Not everyone can afford therapy.

[Screenwriter]

@love_conquers_lust There are therapeutic offerings in your city or town that cost nothing, provided by the city or town health department. The Episcopal Counseling Centers all over the country provide psychological therapy on a sliding scale, for as little as $10 a session, if you're at the bottom of the income scale. Might be more today. Been awhile since I've used them. But excellent centers with excellent staff.

OK. Maybe you have a seriously entrenched problem, but counseling SUPPORT will help you deal with it, yes? And maybe good medication?

Well, the word "dump" has never been a positive one. I contend that I've never been in a therapeutic situation where a professional said to me that seeing them would make my life painless. And/or taking medication and seeing them would remove all pain from my life.

Sounds patently unrealistic to me. And I never asked you for medical information about your situation, so don't get prickly.

My goal has not been to irritate you and I've never intended to be condescending. I'm simply reporting information I've garnered over the years I've been in therapy.

And maybe you mean by "unsolvable" that you need to continue therapy and/or medication for your lifetime? Well I do too. So what? Then you need to have a good team behind you for your care.

My therapy and medications are part of what I need to do as positive self-care and so I can function in the world. I've used sliding scale therapists and city health social workers. Now that I have better insurance I see the head of a medical school's psychiatrist. I've done better over the years.

But this is through a long life of working on my issues. I've seen at least a dozen different people. None were awful. But some were far better than others. I suggest you keep at it and exhaust all avenues so you can feel more supported and well.

[Asker]

I’m well aware it’s not healthy. I just like to play devils advocate and question all angles before I come to form a conclusion. We all know that research is great but it’s always developing and learning new things previously/currently unknown.

[love_conquers_lust]

@Screenwriter "so don't get prickly". There's assumptions being made here because I can't give you specifics but I can be more descriptive.

I have a physical impairment that isn't debilitating but it does interfere with a lot of aspects of my life. As far as I know, my PCP has not identified anything wrong with me mentally. If you research the psychological side effects of chronic ailments, how I am responding is normal. It can resemble a psychological problem, but it is not.

Pile on the fact that my condition was made potentially worse by interventional procedures. So, as you can imagine, I am quite distrusting of ANY medical professional from here on out on ANYTHING. It wasn't a case of malpractice, it's a matter of the medical community not knowing. I have exhausted a number of second opinions, that's partially why I am so distrusting. I'm also very vigilant in limiting any sort of foreign substance I put in my body. I usually don't fill out prescriptions when I rarely get them. I can't remember the last one I got prescribed. I hate drugs.

If it works for you, then okay. But I'm saying therapy can be more of a coping treatment. The nature of it very much resembles gender differences in how each sex handles problems. Talk it out or work it out. So, I suppose sometimes they can intersect.

[love_conquers_lust]

@Screenwriter Or I guess you might say it is a psychological problem, but not a psychiatric one. So psychological treatment probably isn't required.

[Screenwriter]

@love_conquers_lust And I say, exactly. Talk AND work it out.

And I see that your history makes you distrustful after the interventions that didn't turn out as well as you expected or hoped. Physical issues cause as much psychological ( and physical) distress when they handicap you as anything mental. I'd say chronic pain or handicap would require the same kind of support as a mental handicap.

Men DO seem to be averse to taking medication, when that medication, and I'm referring to non-addicting medication, may make their outcomes better. I would encourage you to take medication that will not mentally impair you if it will improve you situation, as in reduce pain or inflammation.

There is the case where pain medication causes awful side effects, such as not being able to defecate. Eww. So unless I'm screaming in pain, I too avoid pain pills. But there are anti-inflammatory drugs that are good for you, and biologics that improve health. I encourage drug use when the drug makes your life outcome better. If you haven't used the drug, and your doctor recommends it, why avoid its use.

A lot of getting better, in any instance, is trial and error. It's unfortunate, but we live in primitive times. We're just a scotch above cave life. Very few cures to very few chronic diseases. Few replacement parts that are simple to get, install. and are cost-effective.

If nothing much is working, I'm all about sailing a new tact. A chronic physical issue is discouraging. I wish you all the luck in the world. Best regards.

[nastyb]

because men typically don't tell their guy friends that they are going through hard time in life like girls do. thats why they always seek out a woman to pour out their feelings. if they don't have a woman in their life, they just hold their pain inside. same reason why men suicide more often than women.

women tend to tell their girl friends every single thing in their lives including secrets. this is why women dont suicide as much

[Asker]

That could just be a friendship though, doesn’t need to be a relationship

[BoopBoopBeep]

"They" being the men or "they" being the relationship?

The former, no clue... sounds dumb.

The latter, maybe it's a "shite or get off the pot" situation and things are on thin ice so they figure fight for it or flight from it.

[Curmudgeon]

Because they think (wish? hope? pray?) that the relationship will be an additional support through, or even a solution to, the crisis. But can it and will it?

[Curmudgeon]

@strong_warrior I like your sentiment and femi (commu) nists deserve the worst. But why would you want a potential (and likely) traitor in your ranks? Don't subjugate them - just get rid of them from your life.

[Unit1]

No point in wasting time, so might as well go for it regardless

[Asker]

If anything it’d it me off wanting to date, I’d rather have my house in more order first.

[Unit1]

You'll be waiting for an eternity for that.

[Anonymous]

Some men need a babysitter just to cope with life.

[Asker]

Yes, or people feel more of a greater sense of awe and need for connection when experiencing something bigger…

[Anonymous]

Cause if you don't love me at my worse how can you love me at my best.

[Asker]

But why the seeking out of it during that time specifically…

[slatyb]

Paranoia often manifests as a irrational fear of random strangers.

[Asker]

Huh?

[AnusNdaPainus]

Because help is not coming for us

it’s Do or Die.

[Strong_Warrior]

If a woman is a feminist I would not date with her. I would make her my slave. This is what she deserves!!!

[Asker]

You sound pretty hurt

[Strong_Warrior]

Asker feminism is only belong the garbage. Its fascism.

[fuddly]

Define crisis?

[Asker]

Struggling with a promotion at work, death of a loved one etc

[fuddly]

I agree
In my opinion men are dragged kicking and screaming into marriage
Pregnancy is common reason
Other reasons might be there reputation, work related

[fuddly]

How do you know things are good until you hit a crisis and nearly lose every thing

[Asker]

So you’re saying they don’t want it but are guilted into it? I disagree because in my experience men come to women when they’re more in need (illness etc) because it benefits them somehow. But I do agree with solidifying your relationship during hard times, but that’s not the same as starting one during it in my opinion.

[Asker]

All that does is tell him she’ll be there for him no matter what, not make him sure he’ll be there when it’s more equal, or she’s in need.