Why do people enter into long-distance relationships, even when it seems the odds of them getting together are against them?

[YesterdaysChild]

You have all heard, a bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush. You could have a much better relationship with someone who is near, rather than far. Doing anything spontaneous is out of the question. And how well can you actually know someone? Or what they tell you is true? For all you know they could be married, living with someone, or just using you for some side action. So why?

[DaveJord]

okay, @yesterdayschild I am 47 years old, and it says you are 56. So more or less I am at a place where you have been at 47, and you very well could be at place I will be in 9 years.

My point is that at 47, I will assume you were out there dating like I am now. I am doing a lot of online dating. I meet these women all the time near and far, that want to text for weeks on end, but every time you talk about meeting, they get all squirrely about it.

But most women my age, are single working moms, or women coming off a divorce, or woman that have been dating for long time on and off. So I have read a lot about these this subject as to why woman want to text for long periods of time, but not really date in real life.

What I have discovered in my research is... lot of women want to meet someone, they want a long-term commitment, but the thought of going back to a place where they have to make themselve emotionally vulnerable, really generates a lot of anxiety for them. All these women have people in their life's, that they care about. As single working mom, they are there for their children in every way. But who is there for them? Who is that one person, that is there just for them when they need someone to be there, vent to or talk to?

But in the same breath they are not really and truly ready to be dating. They might think they are or they might want to be, but they are just not really there yet... they might be in time, but most guys are not really looking for that.

So, these long-distance relationships, makes them feel safe. Because it is a relationship they can manage in their own way, without feeling the pressure of meeting right away. They can let their imagination take over, and they can allow themselves to open up to this stranger and have that person to chat with and talk to when they need them to be there... and then go about their daily lives which pretty much stays unchanged or effected by this other person who 100s of miles away.

So, it that way its fulfilling to them, they get what they want emotionally from the other person, it's like being a relationship that is not really a relationship without having to deal with the sex and in person anxieties.

For men, it is much the same... they have someone to talk to and share things without feeling threatened or vulnerable and they can manage that relationship on their own terms.

[YesterdaysChild]

I like what you are saying and the thoughts you put to paper. :) What you are talking about is more like a pen pal than a relationship. Am I wrong to think that people enter into a LDR in order to see where it leads? It's one thing to just talk back and forth with no expectations, but what happens when they want more and that person is not really there, just a voice on a phone or words on a page? Can you really have a relationship in absentia? Will they never be open to someone they meet in real life because they "have a boyfriend" or "have a girlfriend" already? But do they? Might it be that the one that is really right for them is sent packing because they are involved with some unknown 5,000 miles away? I'm not saying it will never work, because it can. It is just that the odds would suggest otherwise.
Financial Strain
Financial strain is an obvious factor that every person in a long-distance relationship has experienced. Whether it's the high fuel costs of driving hundreds of miles, or the time and financial commitment of frequent airplane travel, couples in long-distance relationships need to budget for travel costs just as they would other costs like a mortgage, food, and clothing.

Boundary Negotiation
The boundary negotiation is a trickier element to manage. People in long-distance relationships can develop jealousy towards their partner's local friends, often complaining that they spend "too much time" with them.

Jealousy and Infidelity
There is also the risk of your partner developing an intimate relationship or falling in love with someone else while you are away. Establishing clear boundaries, being honest, and understanding that people need social interactions face-to-face will go a long in defusing these potential problems.

[DaveJord]

I don't do long distance. I agree with you on them, and yes it seems to be for people that want a relationship without having a real relationship.

Some make that jump and move across the country. I mean I have dated two women, who dated men in different states. They see each other once a month or so for years... eventually she moved out there to be with him. The second women had him move to be with her. Yeah, in real life, they ain't the same person. Life they can't maintain in a real life relationship like they can when they can managed everything from a distance.

I know people make these work, but it ain't for me.

[loveslongnails]

In my opinion, it's an easy option that satisfies a certain psychological component, and it's rather involved because of the variations. Rather than go into them all, because there are studies and books about it for those who are interested in it, let's stick to the numbers.

I haven't found many recent studies on the subject (within the past 5 years), but earlier ones from 2018 put the success rate at anywhere from 40% - 60%. However, that number needs to be broken down in whether you met in person first, established a relationship and THEN moved apart for "x" reasons, versus meeting on line or while traveling and THEN establishing long distance communications. You have to dig into the studies for that.

One interesting piece of info however: researchers from a variety of academic studies, and PEW Research (one of the best in the world) found that the break-up rate of couples who first meet in person vs first meeting online who later come together, is roughly the same at 37-40%, after 3 weeks!

[YesterdaysChild]

I wonder what kind of personalities these people had? Loners maybe that have trouble relating to others in real life, but find it easy to be who they aren't online and over a distance?

[loveslongnails]

I don't think the studies go into that kind of depth.

[Screenwriter]

Maybe the person doing this has had poor luck in RL and the LD relationship person seems superior to former people in their life. But this is the point: Anyone can seem superior when you don't get to know them well. Their flaws are distant, literally, and hidden because you are never with them.

I think it's naivete'. After watching the old MTV show, "Catfish", there's nothing that could make me want a LD relationship.

Statistics show actions speak volumes and far louder than words and with LD there's nothing but words to cling to. You never meet the person, their friends or family, see their home, smell their breath, have meals with them. You share nothing but words.. Sure, there's zoom, now, but the wall remains. You are not there with them in person.

Someone can lie to you in person too. But it's pretty hard to keep this up for extended periods of time. People have been friends LD for years and find out everything a person said was a lie, they were a man instead of a woman, and I'm NOT talking about trans people, either.

It is more difficult to meet people in person, but it is worth the trouble because everyone, eventually, has to be real. Online, no one has to be anything but a fantasy.

[YesterdaysChild]

Well said. That would be worth writing a screenplay for a movie. I can think of a horror movie right off. 💀☠

[DubiousIntentions]

That is a good question as it doesn't seem logical to me. I agree with you. You have 10,000 girls/boys in your city, yet you have to go 6,000 miles to find what you are looking for? It would be more logical to move someplace, where you would want to live first, and then start looking. I really don't know what is even going through someone's head to even consider the hassle that a LDR brings. They must love having a real challenge.

[AviatorTom]

Same reason a person enters any relationship. Because they can, and there's a hope that it may turn into something really good.

[YesterdaysChild]

Sure, I hope that driving across county to a McDonalds would be hopeful, and the place would still be there. But isn't one down the street a better bet, in that you can see it every day and see how crowded the drive through is? Unless the person on the other end wears a 24/7 body cam you have no idea what is going on at the other end.

[MrOracle]

It's because people WANT things, and once in their feelings, can no longer see logic and reason. They essentially make themselves immune to it, turning instead to false hope.

Some of them learn the lesson after a painful experience, and some never do, and repeat the mistake again and again.

Part of it is because they want something above their own level - something their own value can't afford them locally, but something they can have the illusion of having from afar. Of course, they never really have it at all - it's just delusion. But lots of people are deluded about their own market value.

[ProbablyClueless]

Sometimes you encounter someone who is truly special that the effort of going long distance seems worth it.

I don't live in an area with very many of the kind of woman I'm attracted to, culturally speaking, so I was seeing a girl several states away for a little while who I thought was absolutely fantastic. She could have easily been wife material, but the real issue was that I didn't really have better options closer to me.

[exitseven]

OMG , I was in one of these long distance relationships for 3 years. I remember this song and also this one

https://www.youtube.com/embed/-TvzK65t-RE

I was young and really full of myself. I thought that I could go to college, pay for it all, and still manage to keep this relationship with somebody who lived 1500 miles away. I kept the whole thing afloat for 3 years but finally the whole thing turned to shit.

[CubaPirate]

I for one have never understood it. Maybe it's a safety of the distance between them that they find appealing

[YesterdaysChild]

That is one possibility.

[MissBoogus]

I was young and dumb and thought love would just solve anything

[YesterdaysChild]

Not dumb, more like inexperienced.

[Jennz6]

I’m in the Navy and I would have to be in a long distance relationship

[Daniela1982]

@jennz6 Yes but being in the service is not forever. It's just one thing you have to give up when you serve your country.

[msc545]

Travel and repeated novelty are fun!

[eagle1951]

lonely i guess

[dudeinohio]

I never have