Should I tell my boyfriend that Im Asexual?

Question

I've never really been into sex or Masturbation. I literally could go the rest of my life without sex. I really just have sex with my boyfriend to make him happy and will even moan and fake an orgasm to speed his orgasm up. I give him plenty of bjs, his and let him jetl off to me in the shower. We've done sex toys and it was nice. I do enjoy the intimacy of sex especially after.

CupcakeTheDestroyer · Accepted Answer

Speaking as another asexual person, I'm glad you were able to figure that out for yourself, however you should be aware that coming out to him might end the relationship. He'll know that you only have sex to please him, and you can explain that you enjoy the intimacy of what comes after, the snuggling and everything, but ultimately he would start to see sex with you in a negative light as he would feel he would be forcing himself on you. Whether or not you see this as reality, or even if you see it as a transactional situation where you pay for intimate after-sex cuddles with sex, it may not be the best for him.

I'm not going to suggest you tell him if you fear losing him, but it's also important to remember that you can't fake it forever. Eventually, he'll catch on to how you don't initiate sex, how you get bored of it, and that you're faking orgasms and moans if he's with you for long enough. The relationship will come to an end if he prioritizes sex and you don't. It's not going to necessarily be a quick end if you don't tell him. It'll be slow, drawn out, you might even have a couple of kids involved by the time he realizes you don't enjoy sex with him and he feels like it's either him being a bad lover, or you just losing a drive you never had to begin with.

However, this is all just based on averages that I've either seen or heard about, never experienced myself. It's also possible that he could be completely understanding about it and never have sex with you again but happily cuddle and snuggle with you when you ask because that fulfills both of your needs for intimacy. You can still have a happy relationship without sex and keeping that focus on the romance, and a talk with him to probe and see how he feels on the subject can't hurt either. I'm not going to say he'll stay if he loves you, because for some allosexual people sex is the thing that differentiates romantic relationships from platonic ones and they require it in some way to justify having a romantic relationship, but if he does decide to stay with you knowing about your asexuality then you can take it as a sign that he prioritizes romance with you much more than sex.

We don't know your boyfriend and his thoughts, and we don't know how your relationship works or how long it's been going on or how committed he would be to keeping it. Just be wary, know what you're getting into, and don't feel ashamed for not giving him sex like some people seem to do. It's not "unfair" if it's his choice to stay, but it is unfair to you to continue to let him believe he's doing what you both want when it's only to satisfy him.

1sexyrobot · Accepted Answer

knowing you'll never be able to reciprocate his Attraction or passion, doesn't it seem unfair and possibly self centered to maintain a romantic relationship with him, to the exclusion (I'm assuming) of other partners? Sex is a pretty important part of a relationship when you're 20-something, and your lack of enthusiasm or interest may corrode his self esteem and confidence, not to mention damage his view of women as a whole for the foreseeable future. So yes, you do need to tell him. It's going to hurt him to find out that you were being dishonest about your enjoyment of sex, but the longer it goes on, the more betrayed he will feel. Also, if he's the only person youve ever had sex with, you should try dating a little more before deciding you never want sex again. It's possible that you're just not attracted to your boyfriend, even though you think you should be.

Investigator · Accepted Answer

I think the real question is "can you keep this current level of interest and energy up forever?"

Do you think sex is something you can "wait out?" Are you going to "enjoy" it until he maybe loses interest and then you can finally drop the act and not have to deal with it anymore? Because I can assure you, his sex drive will be around long after the novelty has worn off. You can't keep up the charade forever; you're probably young now, but age is inevitable. Energy decreases proportionally to life's demands, but sex is typically non-negotiable. A lot of people still love their S. O. even if they're no longer sexually active, but secretly resent them for forcing involuntary celibacy.

If you cannot see yourself being as sexually active in 10 or even 20 years as you are now, then a breakup is in your future and you should stop while you're ahead. Nobody wants to feel lied to. You might think you're doing him a favor by pretending to enjoy sex, but it's not fun when the partner is faking it.

If I'm with a girl and she's not actually enjoying it and just pretending to get me off, that's nice of her if it's a now-and-then type of thing, but if that's the whole relationship and she's hasn't been excited to f*ck since day 1, then what was even the point? Did she even desire me or was that a lie too?

I understand being asexual makes dating difficult, because sex is such a fundamentally important part of the human existence and people who don't feel much or any sexual desire can find sex to be a chore, but unfortunately that's just the way the world works. Asexuality is an anomaly of the human condition for a reason. Without the compulsion, the urge, to f*ck, we'd have gone existent eons ago.

smilelots · Accepted Answer

There is nothing wrong with being a person that doesn’t like sex isn’t interested in it, etc. but you need to find a partner that feels the same way about it as you do for it to be more successful Right now you do this for him because why and will you continue to do that because why here’s a little story before I got married, I thought my soon to be wife enjoyed making love with me and being adventurous, having sex while her mom and dad were sitting on the couch beside us not knowing, etc. once we got married all of that stopped we had sex for five times a year so if things change the way, I think about it did not, but it did for her so tell him and maybe expect him to make a change In how he feels about you that’s up to you a relationship should be built on honesty, integrity, love, and commitment, and communication

OlderAndWiser · Answer

Do you like him enough to give him honesty?

Constatine · Answer

Sorry to say... but i guess this is a bit selfish. Let me explain... you can live your life without sex. Your choice and that is fine. But you have a boyfriend who does like sex.

Faking it so he can have his pleasure is not a good thing. You think you do him a favor but realy you don't ( you actually have him on lease by thinking everything is fine and he is pleasing. While in fact he is not no mather how hard he tries ) Maybe he has a baby wish one day... maybe you don't.

I think you beter cancel this relation ship and find your self a man who is also Not into sex. Then you both know what the future holds.

But if you don't leave him.. then yeah talk about it.. explain what you feel. And also that you fake to please him. ( his reaction will say enough )

DiegoO · Answer

That's a tough one.

I am not sure. Honestly, I think been straightforward with what you want and who you are, is the best way of knowing someone who truly appreciate you as a person. At the same time you can lose the affection of those who consider you as family, friend, SO.

it all depends of how you view things. Your boyfriend is not gonna be in peace knowing you don't really enjoy sex. You will not be in peace, knowing what he want sex but you don't really enjoy it. Been so, what middle ground could exist in that context? I don't know, maybe see it as a task, but then, if I had a girlfriend and I knew she don't like to cook, but still cooks for me because she sees it as a task, eh... It brings me back memories. Good luck.

jb2622 · Answer

No not unless there is a reason to, if things are. good and you don't have a problem leave it be. If your looking for long term and you think things will change in the future then you should bring it up, for example I dont think he wants to get married then all of a sudden find himself in a sexless situation.

DextroShade · Answer

If you are asexual you shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone who isn't also an asexual. I doubt you will be willing to fake it forever, and if you trick this clueless guy into marrying you he will end up trapped in a sexless marriage which isn't fair to him.

Taylorbb · Answer

You are NOT biologically asexual if you done all of that. But from a social construct standpoint (you want other people to think of you as somebody who don't want sex), maybe.

But even so, your boyfriend won't take you seriously as its far pass the point of even considerable.

Anonymous · Answer

Dude you’re not asexual.

Chances are you’re an involuntary celibate. Means women aren’t attracted to you and wouldn’t dare touch you with a 10-foot pole

If you have functioning balls. And are over the age of 17. If you have no hormonal disorders. If you’re healthy. Chances are; women are not lookin your way.

provokeesmokee · Answer

I say go for it. Especially since it seems you're grey ace, it would be good for you two to connect and be honest about what you're okay with and what he wants.

Communicating and being honest with your partner is good.

sheikalana · Answer

Yes, you must. Men do not appreciate being lied to when it comes to these type of things. Is not nice to fake something you're not feeling. Imagine if he faked that he was in love with you? How would you feel. Be honest.

Sour-rose · Answer

Yes. You are on the verge of being a goddess lik- (ignore that, i don't see many asexual women.) But honestly... honesty is the best. No reason to keep ringing him on if your heart ain't it

Anonymous · Answer

no, noone cares if you're enjoying it. That's just feminist propaganda.
Your job is to please your man which you're doing well.
be the hole.
cool it on the moaning though, you might get caught in a lie when you finally reveal you dont like sex

DannyUk2017 · Answer

Enjoy the sex "especialy after"... u lost me there...🤔

KostasKouvalis · Answer

Since you've already fucked and even went as far as to fake orgasms, I would keep it to yourself. Especially if you enjoy the intimacy part, this will completely kill it. Just keep acting like you're enjoying it

Anonymous · Answer

You should tell him that, he deserves it and he'll see if he wants to continue or not. You might find better an asexual partner as well.

by the way, just curious, I wonder what causes asexuality pleasurewise. Maybe mentality causes it or physical aspect like hormones. Is it a dysfunction? Not judging, but curious.

DarkWinterNights · Answer

Sounds like you may have a hormone imbalance or something. But yes I would tell him. He deserves to know.

Joshydavid25 · Answer

You definitely should tell him.. I mean he deserves to know.. Especially so he can act accordingly..

Paul09 · Answer

You should tell him now, before it's too far in, just in case.

In_Trance · Answer

If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want to know?

Anonymous · Answer

Honestly I wonder what your upbringing has done to your attitude about sex.

Anonymous · Answer

Yes, you should absolutely tell him. He deserves to know. Let him make an informed decision about whether he wants to stay with you.

Anonymous · Answer

Maybe he knows already, do you think you’ll still have kids with him someday? It’s too bad you don’t enjoy sex though, you could tell him so he knows it’s not going to change

Iron_Man · Answer

Why didn’t you tell him from the beginning?

Staximus · Answer

You need to learn how to have an orgasm and then repeat 🔁

LunarEclipse433 · Answer

Yes tell your boyfriend girlfriend anyone who might want an intimate relationship with you.

shades777 · Answer

sooner you tell him your a weirdo the better

DarkLegacy · Answer

I would dump you

Emanon25 · Answer

Yeah you should.

The_Smart_Engineer · Answer

Yes you should tell him

Charliefretz329 · Answer

Honestly honesty is everything

MaxUsefull · Answer

There something wrong here

TalkWithoutSpeaking · Answer

Probably yeah

Should I tell my boyfriend that Im Asexual?

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