I don’t love my boyfriend anymore. I have lost feelings for him so how can I be in love again?

[Anonymous]

I am 18 weeks ! My boyfriend and I have a child on the way together. I used to love him very much. At first I couldn’t wait for him to come home from work. Before we moved in together I couldn’t wait to go to his house to hang out. I just couldn’t wait to see him. I was just so excited about him. But I recently found out he was texting another girl from a dating website about a month ago around mid September. I know it’s November now and Sure It’s old but he still did it. He and the girl both say they texted briefly and never met up or did anything and they never seen each other in real life. The text message thread between them was very short. His reason for doing it is that I was in my first trimester (which is when morning sickness is the worst) I had no energy and that I just wasn’t giving him attention and that I kept accusing him of cheating. He says that’s y he did it. I admit I felt insecure and sick and I felt like he wouldn’t love me the same because of how the pregnancy was changing me. Fast forward to now he wants to work things out and I have told him I want to leave him several times. He kept insisting it was just a dumb mistake and that he still loves me and wants to be with me. I told him I don’t love him anymore and i don’t feel the same about him anymore. He still insists we work this out and claims he’s gonna do better. I can see He’s trying. So here I am trying to work it out but I feel like the love is just gone. I would prefer we raise our baby together. I don’t really wanna be around him and I don’t see him the same. I have been entertaining other men. Not having s*x but I’ve just been flirting and talking to them. I don’t trust him anymore! I wanna feel love for my boyfriend again but it’s hard to get it back how it use to be. How can I restore my feelings for him? Or what are some things we can do to get it back?

[OlderAndWiser]

SO much wrong here.

1. "I am 18 weeks!" You shouldn't have gotten pregnant when you are not in a stable relationship. Horrible decision.

2. "But I recently found out he was texting another girl from a dating website about a month ago around mid September." That behvior is not defensible and your pregnancy is no justification for him talking to someone else. That is not what a good partner does in a committed relationship.

3. "I know it’s November now and Sure It’s old but he still did it." That's right. It's a reflection of his character - or lack of character - and the passage of a few months does not change that.

4. "He and the girl both say they texted briefly and never met up or did anything and they never seen each other in real life." How do you know that? Did you talk to her?

5. "His reason for doing it is that I was in my first trimester (which is when morning sickness is the worst) I had no energy and that I just wasn’t giving him attention and that I kept accusing him of cheating." This is his excuse; it is not a valid reason. HOWEVER, why were you accusing him of cheating? Was he cheating? If not, do you know how it feels to be accused of that when you have been 100% faithful? That is a HORRIBLE thing to do to him if he was not cheating.

6. "I felt insecure and sick and I felt like he wouldn’t love me the same because of how the pregnancy was changing me." So you used your insecurity to destroy the relationship not only for yourself, but for your unborm child.

7. "Fast forward to now he wants to work things out and I have told him I want to leave him several times." Then why haven't you left him?

8. "So here I am trying to work it out but I feel like the love is just gone." You can't undo the harm you both have done.

9. "I would prefer we raise our baby together. I don’t really wanna be around him" Difficult to reconcile those two thoughts!

10. "I have been entertaining other men." So you have used an excuse to justify doing the same thing that he did to you. Brilliant!

11. "I don’t trust him anymore!" And he probably doesn't trust you, either.

12. "I wanna feel love for my boyfriend again but it’s hard to get it back how it use to be. How can I restore my feelings for him? Or what are some things we can do to get it back?" You can't fix this mess. You should have thought about the things you said and did BEFORE you did them. You don't often get a second chance and I doubt you will be able to pull this together in any lasting way.

[Asker]

Yes I did talk to her

[OlderAndWiser]

How do you know she was honest with you?

[Anonymous]

So did you really love him? I get how you feel but this to me isn’t something that I would think would make someone stop loving someone. Now if he slept w her I could understand that more as far as not loving him. Was this a planned pregnancy? When you say flirting w other men is this online or at work, in public?

[Asker]

I mean Just texting old male friends and guys who want to link up from instagram.

But I did love him because he presented himself to me as a good guy. U know how they say women choose bad boys over the nice guys? And they say nice guys finish last? Well he was the nice guy I actually gave a chance. He’s usually super sweet and attentive. He plans dates , cooks for me , takes care of me if I’m sick and even really emotionally available. He would tell me he loved me every single day. That’s why I’m so shocked and confused on how he could do something like this. This isn’t who I thought he was. So maybe he’s just been fake all alone. And no my pregnancy wasn’t planned.

[Asker]

Along*

[Asker]

Right now he’s trying to be that guy again being extra sweet and loving. But I kinda just look at it as if it’s all fake. Because he was being sweet and loving but was still texting another girl behind my back. So little does he know that does not help

[Opinion Owner]

So you mad at him really that he was talking to another girl? Or maybe partially mad that you’re pregnant which isn’t what you had planned in life. Now you’re concerned about your future as far as what you wanted to do w your life? Mad at him for getting you pregnant?

[Asker]

Well now that I know he’s a cheater I do wish I didn’t get pregnant by him. But I was happy to be pregnant by him before I knew he text other girls.

[Asker]

U think I’m giving up too soon?

[Opinion Owner]

Yes I do. He didn’t sleep w her right? I get how you feel. But that’s no where near him actually sleeping w her. How did you find out he was texting another girl on a dating website? What were they talking about?

[Asker]

I went through his deleted text messages and saw the convo and the tinder login code. He was telling her how he's new in this state and asked her what she likes to do for fun and what days she’s free.

[Asker]

That was the end of it. He claims he ghosted her and she claims he ghosted him. He says she’s lying and just butthurt cause he ghosted her. But they both agree they never met up in real life. They only talked for a day.

[Asker]

And he communicated with this girl September but I just found out 5 days ago

[Opinion Owner]

Ok so he made a mistake, stopped doing it. We all make mistakes. Honestly what you two have together , w a baby coming, is it worth throwing that all away for something stupid he did. Yes he should have thought the same way as well but he didn’t. What gets me is that you went through his phone? Why? What he did was wrong yes but I don’t like the idea of people going through others phone w out their permission. Have you talked to him? Asked him how he feels? Listened to him? I mean listen? I don’t mean scold him the way women tend to do. When you do that men will most likely shut down, stop talking. Women have a hard time holding their tongue. Even when he does give you his reasons his feelings are dismissed. Again I’m not saying what he did is right. But there’s a reason why. Figure it out otherwise this is going to happen again. The baby wasn’t planned. Did you even ask him if he was ready to have a child? Maybe he’s freaking out on what to do because it is a big responsibility.

[Asker]

I shut him down every time he tries to give his reason for doing it because I feel like he’s trying to justify it. I apologized and tried to hear his feelings and reason for doing it once but I don’t wanna keep hearing it every time I try to tell him how he’s hurt me. His reason was that he would come home and id ignore him and be like a robot. He likes attention & he likes to come home and laugh with me and tell me everything about his day that is just how he his as a boyfriend. But he was gone all day I was really bedridden going through bad pregnancy sickness so some days he came home and I’d just have no energy to talk or I just didn’t feel like being bothered. I couldn’t match his excitement. His second reason is that I was accusing him of cheating. I just was feeling insecure and obviously I’m pregnant so I’m not looking the same anymore. He was out all day and I was in the house sick all day. So I was emotional and had insecurities that he would find another girl who looked the part. Id bring that up and he’d get irritated and reassure me. Said he got tired of trying to prove he loves me and tired of reassuring me. But I told him that was just a rough patch and it was temporary. I’m further along in my pregnancy and I’m feeling much better now. So I don’t understand how he can stray away the first time I have a downfall in our relationship.

[Asker]

Some days I felt bad for not being able to be the me I used to be before I was sick and pregnant. So I would try to initiate sex and he’d say you’re sick right now so it’ll feel too weird. A little weird to fuck after I just threw up. He saw me throw up a lot so I guess he was weirded out. I woke him up with head one morning even tho I felt like crap. I tried ya know and now I don’t feel like trying anymore because I feel like I already feel unappreciated. Let’s not mention that I moved all the way to this state to have a life with him and I don’t know anyone here. So I’ve compromised a lot I’m just tired. He says he felt unappreciated well now I’m the one feeling unappreciated.

[Opinion Owner]

So would you say you’re partially responsible for making him feel this way? Ultimately it came down to him making this choice but I can see how I’d get irritated too. People tend to say well if you’re not hiding anything why are you getting defensive? Because no matter what I say as far as what is really the truth you don’t believe me. That’s why I’m getting mad, defensive. So you constantly saying things to him about him finding someone else and cheating, I’d get mad too. You basically dismissed his feelings so what else is he supposed to do? In my mind you basically pushed him away.

[Asker]

As far as him being ready for the child lol let’s just say he knew I was pregnant way before I did. It wasn’t planned but he certainly didn’t mind getting me pregnant

[Asker]

That upsets me when I hear that. “I pushed him away “ . When I hear him say I drove him to it that’s when I slam the door in his face and ignore him. I don’t like that because I feel like now he's trying to make this my fault. I understand how it was hard on him dealing with me through that difficult time. But no one put a gun to his head and made him do it. So that’s when the argument gets very heated when he says I drove him to it

[Opinion Owner]

I doubt that he wanted to have a child. How old is he? Part of me says you really didn’t love him like you thought you did. It was just infatuation. A person who loves someone as much as you said you did just doesn’t give up like this unless they’ve been through it numerous times that they’re done. I think you’re just looking for an excuse to not be w him anymore because reality hit, you don’t love him like you thought you did. Now w a baby on the way it makes it harder. Let’s say you two got back together. Would you tell him you’ve been flirting w other men? He flirted w one. Sounds like you’ve done it multiple times.

[Opinion Owner]

Well he has to take partial blame too but I think you just made him feel like shit. Like what am I to do now. Part of me wonders you feel like you’re still young, to have a baby this early in life when you still want to do things throws a big curve ball in your life.

[Asker]

You’re really starting to sound like him it’s as if he’s typing your words

[Asker]

I did really love him but I have had experience with a cheating and abusive relationship so I’m not trying to go that route again. That’s y I’m quick to leave and also cause I have very little confidence and faith in his love for me. That’s y I’ve always been quick to leave him.

[Opinion Owner]

I sound like him because from reading what you wrote those are the feelings I’d have too. If you’re pushing me away, the person who I thought lives me, then what. Where else do I go?

[Opinion Owner]

Ok so if this is the case why haven’t you seemed professional help? Sounds like you need to better yourself first before going into a relationship. How long have you two been together?

[Asker]

We’ve been together a year. I’ve always had very little faith in his love for me I kinda always doubted him. Just because he so good to me sometimes he can seem too good to be true. So I try to leave him before he leaves me. Yeah ik I got abandonment issues and I never got help for it. But I see what you’re saying even though I don’t like it. So what do I do now? Because I’m already in the relationship with him and he doesn’t wanna break up we gotta kid on the way. So I’m so busy being mad at him for what he did that I really don’t wanna try and make anything up to him for how he felt. My ego tells me why should I when he’s the one who was texting someone else. I feel he should be the one kissing my ass to make things better

[Opinion Owner]

Ok even if he was misusing your ass would it make it better? Probably not cause you said yourself you always doubted his love for you. So to me it’s like you gave up on this relationship way before all this happened. Like I said will you tell him you’ve been flirting w other men as well? He did it once. You said you did it too, but sounds like more. I don’t see how that helps the situation. Have you expressed to him in the beginning of what you’ve been through? Why you’re the way you are? Have you sought therapy? Trust me I’m not taking his side but you saying I sound just like him should tell you that that’s what other men would think as well if their girl did the same to them.

[Asker]

We’ve been talking and looking back at our text messages from that day and now I remember clearly around the time he texted this other girl in September. it was actually a time when we were in a good place. I wasn’t even accusing him at this time. We were getting along well. How could he feel unappreciated when I just had thanked him for doing something for me and he replied with something heartwarming. He even just admitted he can’t exactly remember why he did it. Now his story is changing because he agrees that we were in a good place. So now I feel like he has gaslighted me into believing this was all my fault. It was the same day he had just been all over me telling me he loved me. This is why I have trouble having confidence and faith in his love. This is why I think he’s fake because how can u do all that lovey Dovey shit and go text another girl shortly after? And if he doesn’t even know why he did it then how do we know it won’t happen again?

[Asker]

He just keeps lying about everything I just can’t

[Opinion Owner]

I’m not sure I’m not in his head so I don’t know what he was thinking. Hopefully he’s learned from it, can’t day. All I can say is that at least he didn’t sleep w this other chick. I think you doomed this relationship from the beginning. Me sing because of what you’ve been through you never really committed yourself fully to it. Sure he let you down, but at the same time you already had that doubt so like I said I don’t think you loved him as much as you say you did. You already had your foot partially out of the door. And who knows maybe all that insecurity showed itself to him. I think this is both of your fault, not just his. I don’t think him talking to another girl is as big a deal as if he slept w her. It’s minor. He realized he fucked up. He hasn’t talked to her. But again like I said I don’t think you were fully committed to him and maybe you were putting off those vibes to him. He probably tried to do everything to make you happy, you said it yourself he seemed to good to be true. But he doesn’t realize a man can never make a girl completely happy, she has to do that herself. So maybe you have some things going on in your life that you’re not happy w besides his “cheating.” I feel like you’re using that as an excuse to throw it all away. Sure he messed up, I can say the same for him but he’s trying. You’re just throwing it all away.

[Asker]

I have always had one foot out the door. Before he texted another girl and Earlier in our relationship I did go on a date with a guy and he held and kissed me. And on may 6 I went on another date with another guy and it was an amusement park. I ended up being turned off by the guy so it never went anywhere further than that. I did those things cause I felt if he was too good to be true at least I could keep my options open

[Asker]

He doesn’t know about this though

[Asker]

I lied and told him I went to the amusement park with girl friends but I was on a date with a guy

[Asker]

And then I uploaded the footage of me being at the amusement park on instagram and my boyfriend liked the story not even knowing I was on a date with a guy

[Opinion Owner]

So why are you making this seem like it’s all his fault when you have a big part to do w what’s going on? I can understand why he did what he did more now. Was it right? Probably not but you made it sound alike you were innocent, like you had done nothing uo until he texted another girl. But you’re just as responsible for this as he is, maybe more. I hope you figure this out because now you’re pregnant. No man really wants a girl who has children already. It’s no impossible but if given a choice of no kids bs kids, men will usually go w the second choice.

[Asker]

I did that because I had already suspected him of cheating in may and the other time I went on a date with another guy. I’m not going to lie I don’t feel bad. I’m still cheating on him and texting other guys. I don’t feel bad at all. If he had never texted another then I’d feel really bad. I’m staying with him since he begged me to stay and insisted we work this out. But I’m not going to stop texting other guys. I’m not going to stop arranging to meet up with other guys. I’ll even bring a guy in our house while my boyfriend is gone to cook him dinner. I smile in his face every day and tell him I love him but now I’m the one on tinder. It feels pretty damn good too.

[Asker]

Because who knows if this is his first time texting another girl? Nope probably just the first time he’s been caught. So I don’t feel bad about cheating

[Opinion Owner]

Well you’ll learn later on down the road when you end up alone. No man really wants to raise another man’s child. They’ll sleep a you sure, but less likely to want a relationship w you. Your insecurities are going to keep you single, but you know best so good luck.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Love is a choice and a commitment, not the passion you felt in the first 6-12 months.

[Asker]

So accept his lies

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Sorry, I didn’t read the whole text. If he lies, don’t accept.

[Oliverlogan263]

Man, that's rough stuff. Being pregnant is so crazy emotional already without relationship drama on top of it.

It sounds like you really cared about this guy at first, but it's understandable to totally lose those feelings after he betrayed your trust like that. Getting over someone messing up is tough! But I don't think flirting with other guys is gonna help. That'll just make it messier.

If you want to try making it work, you both gotta be real honest about what happened and how it made you feel. No more excuses from him, just owning up to his mistake. And you gotta tell him straight what you need from him to even start rebuilding trust. Couples counseling could maybe help work through it all too.

But honestly, don't feel like you have to stay if your heart's just not in it. Being a single mom isn't easy, but co-parenting apart is better than staying somewhere you're not happy, you know? Your feelings are what matter here. Just focus on what's best for the baby and yourself long-term. Wish I could give better advice, but relationships are so complicated. Talk to people you trust and think long about what you really want.

[Asker]

He keeps lying about stuff so it’s never gonna work

[Oliverlogan263]

You're right, if he keeps lying then there's no way the relationship can work long term. Trust is like the most important thing.

Sounds like maybe you tried giving him another chance to be honest, but he just went and messed it up again with more lies. That'd make anyone lose all their feelings, no doubt.

I know you wanna do right by your kid and raise them together, but is that even possible if you can't believe a word the guy says? No way you could be happy sticking around like that. Kids pick up on tension too.

Maybe sit him down, lay it all out straight. Let him know the lies are a dealbreaker and you're done trying to make things work romantically. See how he responds - if he can finally own up and commit to changing, then maybe you can try co-parenting.

But you also gotta look out for yourself, you know? Don't stay stuck feeling miserable just for the kid's sake if he won't change. You both deserve way better. I'm here if you wanna vent more, friend. Just do what's best for you and your little one.

[madhatters4]

i think you need to try and take some time to work things out. it hasn't been very long since the "infraction". but you two have a child on the way. for the sake of that child the parents really need to explore how they can repair their relationship before calling it quits and making a huge decision that will impact the child's entire life.

perhaps go to a relationship counselor. perhaps take some time apart to collect thoughts and see if your feelings stay the same or change. or perhaps just give it more than a month before quitting on the relationship.

[boggboss]

You can't make feelings happen you can't force yourself to feel somthing u don't that trust won't come back because u know he is clearly capable of breaking it this relationship is pretty much dead what happens when he works out u can't have sex with him because u don't feel passion to him he will resent u and paint u as the bad guy for not giving it a go properly meh

[Asker]

Would u give your girlfriend another chance if she did this?

[boggboss]

No because I'm not stupid I might forgive her but the relationship would be done

[boggboss]

If she shows me she can't be trusted in a relationship why would I continue 1 with her

[Luckycharms12]

You looked for validation from other men didn't work on things with your boyfriend grass isn't always greener on the other side clearly he did something right you loved him and having his kid

[Twalli]

You've given up on trying to find it from him. If you hadn't, you wouldn't be flirting with other guys.

[Anonymous]

You don't. Just leave him for a guy with more money.

[goldenboybradyjr]

Look, lady, there are literally BILLIONS of lads, and if your boyfriend isn't working for you anymore, try to snare some other chap.

[exitseven]

It sounds like a real dilemma.

[jahaims]

He is a cheater why would you love him

[jimmy2]

Forgiveness will give that love back

[Cheerfull009]

No time to read such long post

[BlueEyeSky]

same thing happened to me, i feel for you

[Anonymous]

You are old enough to figure that out

[Evelyn99]

Don't be.

[Anonymous]

Ugh!

[Anonymous]

unplanned pregnancy?