Should I let my boyfriend stay with his ex best friend as well as ex? Am I being insecure?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend is going to meet his best friend who is his ex and was his best friend, during their teenage. She liked him and proposed to him first. He reject, slowly then he caught feelings and proposed to her. They got into a relationship when they were 14. Their first relationship, and then he shifted to neighbouring city, as his family was going through rough time and he had to cut contacts with everyone for a while, though everyone knew what was the situation and as to why he shifted. He didn't not call her for a month and then she told him and week before his birthday that she is with some other guy who my boyfriend hated. He had a lot of resentment till an year ago when we were talking as friends, I asked him not to hate her during that time but now he never talks to me about hating her or anything, he never got into a relationship after that, thougj he did casual make outs and stuff. I am being a bit insecure as she was his first love, though they never kissed and all but still. She is coming from America to meet him and her friends and was asking my boyfriend to stay with them and she recently had a breakup and recently he told me she was complimenting his shirts and all and asking him to exchange clothes, she asked him to pick and outfit for him when we got into relationship. I just coolly said yeah you can stay with them for few days at least but in reality ion even want him to visit her at all.

Updates

5 mo

And I forgot to add that she calls my boyfriend darling, so when we got into relationship she texted him darling I am so happy for you, ou woww! Then after few days she just randomly sent him outfit photos which she liked and asked him to choose for her. (She wasn't wearing that, those were models). So my boyfriend said why is she suddenly asking me to choose and she hasn't visited for past 5 years, now suddenly she is planning to visit.

[OlderAndWiser]

The fact that he would even considering doing this is proof that his heart is still with her. You may call him boyfriend, but you don't own him or possess and you don't even have much of a claim to him at all. But if that is where his heart is, and if that will make him happy, then you should let him go, because if he stayed with you, then you would always be his second choice. You should want more than that from a relationship. Tell him to follow his heart but that, when he goes to her, you don't expect him to come back to you.

[Asker]

No he ain't considering. He said no to go with her ion have idea about staying together thing though. Personally, if I had a guy best friend I wouldn't ever ask him to stay at all knowing he's in a relationship.

[Anonymous]

First of all it’s not up to you to give him permission to do so. Even if he did go he could easily say he didn’t stay w them. Second yes you have a right to be I secure about it. He never stopped caring for her. Plus she just broke up w someone. No bueno. You know as well as I do if things were reversers, he wouldn’t let you. He needs to understand this. It’s not about being controlling either. If he goes he goes, but he will never tell you the truth whether something happened or not. But the way I see it, if someone really cares about the other person they wouldn’t put them through such a dilemma as this. Did he tell her he’s w someone? Did he ask if you’d like to go? I don’t see why you couldn’t go if she’s flying to your country. Why can’t he just stay there then drive to wherever they plan on going that next day?

[Asker]

She hasn't come yet, she will come in a month. No I might not join them even if they ask because it might be odd for me. Yeah she knows that he is w me. No he hasn't asked if I would like to go or not.

[Opinion Owner]

Why would it be odd. I get that they used to be best friends, but now you’re his best friend. You should be his best friend. If he’s that serious about you then I don’t see a reason why he couldn’t introduce you to her. Why because she may look at him different, not be flirtatious w him. Ruining his chances of whatever ideas he has in his brain. If she knows about you then there shouldn’t be a problem w you going maybe one or two days to meet her. Especially if you two have been together for a while.

[Anonymous]

No, you should never try to dictate what your boyfriend does. He’s not a possession, you don’t own him, and if he were ever going to cheat there would be nothing you can do to stop him. So why worry about that? Just let him be free if you really trust him and work on your insecurities.

[Asker]

It's not about him, I do trust him but Ion trust her.

[Opinion Owner]

Doesn’t matter whether you trust her or not, it’s up to HIM to be loyal and not cheat. As a regular woman she can't and likely wouldn't even try to wrangle him down into hooking up. He has to consent. If you don’t approve of their friendship and that’s what the real issue is then that’s a whole different, because you can’t make him not be friends with her and you can’t healthily live with your insecurities, it’s stressful and mentally draining.

[PetLover24]

Do yourself a favour.

Let him go. In all ways. He is immature, doesn't know what it means to be in a relationship as boy/girlfriend, and will likely cheat on you with her & others.

He's not worth keeping.

[Asker]

Actually I have problem with that girl, she should be aware of her boundaries.

[DaveJord]

OH... shit! Honestly you did the right thing. If he really wants to go then you should not do anything to stop him. Just let him go.

But I say that, but... But... Nah, its not cool that he even let this go that far. Honestly, he should of just told her that he is in a relationship and that would be inappropriate. To even put you in this position is unfair of him. If it was me, I would be skeptical... but his high Scholl sweetheart, is like the icing on the cake. She wants his cloths... you're a woman you know what that means.

I have given tee shirts to woman, and they love it. Always comes back to me saying it just smells like me and they feel closure to me when they wear it. Nah, he sounds pretty emotionally immature. I have an old highschool sweetheart... and honestly if this woman magically appeared again in my life... no way I would turn a blind eye to her.

Let him go, but I would not be there for him when he returns.

[Asker]

It is inappropriate, right? I am mot overthinkkng about it. Why is she doing this? No idea, at this point when she hasn't even visited for 5 years? Why? Like why?

[AviatorTom]

You've already said they could stay together, knowing in the back of your mind that they will probably have sex. And now you want to change your mind. Best thing to do now is let them do their thing, she will go back home, and you'll have your boyfriend back.

[virtue2332]

Look there is no way to judge this without knowing how he is. For me I love my girl and wouldn't put myself in a situation that would risk that because it's easy for sexual people to be sexual when it feels safe. There is zero chance of him sleeping with her if he wasn't in that situation with her. I'm like a fat kid that loves cake when it comes to sex so don't leave me alone with cake because I'm probably going to indulge. It's just hard not to and it's even harder if that cake is serving itself to me.

[Asker]

Yeah, get it. I just can't wrap that girl's behavior around my head. Why would she ask to do that?

[glennos89]

I would tell him your concerns about the meeting with her. But on the other hand it can be a really good test to find out how much he really cares about you. Because if he really cares about you... He wouldn't do anything stupid with his and if he doesn't... You know you can thrust him completely. If he does cheat on you.. you better wanne find out sooner then later. Therefore I think you should tell him your concerns but not stop him from letting him go.

You don't wanne invest in a cheater so better find out now or risk investing many years in him while he turns out to be cheating in a few years from now. But definitely tell him it makes you a little bit insecure but prevent him from going most likely is going to cause problems and you wanne avoid that now because otherwise you push him closer to his ex then you want

[Asker]

Actually I myself don't want him to go but that's not my decision to take.

[Angelo75]

NOPE!!!

Just don't. This is a recipe for headaches.
If she or whoever thinks you're being insecure, well, screw them.

One does not go around playing with fire and hope he never gets burnt.

Hell... if he's really into you then YOU should be his best friend.
But if he insists, that means he isn't able to see the danger. Meaning sooner or later, he could slip up and end up "falling" into her bed. (if u know what i mean)
Then give you the speech of "we never intended for this to happen".
Like people jumping with parachutes as a hobby and then get all emotionally torned up when an accident happens.

[Asker]

I just Don't trust her, I don't know why I get a feeling that she's a red flag.

[Angelo75]

Well it's common logic.
They used to have feelings for each other.
Meaning there is a high probability that if they spend time together, whatever spark will return between the two of them.

Listen. You're cautious. It's OK to be cautious. On this situation I'd say you got nothing to prove.
It's the other way around. He's the one that should prove he chose for you and leave his "past".

Otherwise thats gonna be a constant unnecessary risk in your relationship.

If he really need a close friend, he should choose a close friend of his own gender. Same goes for u by the way.
Otherwise well, you're just taking unnecessary risks with ur relationship.

[Miristheiss]

No.

Have some boundaries and standards.

He is disrespectful for even asking to do that.

It is a huge red flag he even wants to get together and visit with his ex. What is with people? Leave your exes in the past. A narcissist would expect to have a committed relationship also get to go hang out alone with exes. If this is that important to them then they don't need to be in a relationship.

[Asker]

He hasn't asked me that he seemed hesitant about that plan. No Idea what will happen.

[kmg9150]

Do what you feel is right. Its a double edged sword. You can trust him or not, she may or may not make a move. Maybe he breaks it off with you or comes back faithful maybe not. All I can say is in my experience is men have an easier time having a platonic relationship with women than the opposite. But its either you fully until you know 100% he proves you wrong or you dont, leaving to to always be there. there's not an inbetween. True love has no restraints that are meant to keep it coming back.

[couchweed92]

if he asked you “can i stay with my friend (so & so) for a couple days?” then i believe you have this man whipped and you have literally nothing to worry about. go hangout with your friends while he’s gone and enjoy the time apart, it’s healthy for the relationship… it gives you time miss each other

[Asker]

He hasn't asked yet but he hasn't said that he will go, he was hesitant about it.

[BoopBoopBeep]

Are you invited to stay as well? I've got a 14-room house so there's space to spread out, but no woman I have a history with would ever be staying there without my significant other under the same roof as well.

[Asker]

No idea, but as they three are childhood friends, I might become odd one out ig?

[BoopBoopBeep]

it's my job as your S. O. to make you "un-out" if need be.

[HighValue]

It is inappropriate and disrespectful to a partner to have any contact with any ex. The only exception would be for exchange of custody purposes if they had kids. Other than that they shouldn't have ANY contact with any of their exes.

[Asker]

Yeah, that's what I think I don't know when would he get that thing in his mind even though that girl left him for some other guy.

[Jamie05rhs]

His BEST FRIEND is his EX?
Oh, HAIL No!!! 🚩🚩🚩🚩

[Asker]

Right? That's what it's stupidity.

[Jamie05rhs]

Exactly.

[SUMAIREBRAHIM]

No you shouldn't let them be friends
Have boundaries it's common sense

[Asker]

Yeah, bit how can I, it's their friendship. Ion have any idea what to do? I might come of as some insecure person.

[SUMAIREBRAHIM]

It's not insecurity
It's boundary, it's the most logical sane behaviour.. see his reaction if he Gaslight u or make u feel insecure dump him right away.. he should take ur side if he is serious about u

[SUMAIREBRAHIM]

Just tell him clearly what you feel and what expectation u have..

[Anonymous]

Stay away from this guy. He shouldn’t have put u in this situation. You can do better. He’s immature

[Asker]

I don't know yet if they will be staying together or not.

[sheikalana]

This is disrespectful!

[Wise4myage]

Definitely not.

[Asker]

Right?

[Joker_]

yes.

[Asker]

Why?