My ex wants to home school our eldest daughter. She's 13. She's currently in mainstream education. She has said she wants to be home schooled but when asked why she just says I don't know. She says she isn't being bullied and her grades are good. She is very introverted and doesn't make friends out of choice. We had to move back home to the other end of the country (uk) in 2019 due to my ex single handily losing our house and all our money due to gambling. So our 2 children had to relocate home and school and see their parents split up and then lockdown came.
My ex lives with his new partner and his mum and dad. He has just got a full time job but he says his parents will do the home schooling as they're retired. I'm not comfortable with it as I don't trust him and I think its a big risk and she needs to be In a social environment to help her prepare for adult hood. I am meeting him tomorrow to talk about it but I'm very anxious. He has told me that if I Try to stop him, my daughter will end up hating me. He's also said, she should live with him as it will be easier. He's very manipulative and controlling. I just know he'll get his own way.
Any advice is appreciated
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Oh man, that sounds like a really tough situation. Here's what I would think:
I don't think your ex has your daughter's best interests at heart if he's being manipulative and threatening to take you to court. Homeschooling is a big decision and she's so young still.
Maybe try talking directly to your daughter too and listening to her reasons without pressure from either of you. Reassure her your relationship is more important.
Also meet with her school counselor to get their input on if homeschooling could hurt her development. Having the school's support could help your case if he does take you to court.
Don't let your ex scare you into doing what he wants. Stand your ground for what you think is best for her long-term happiness and future. You're her mom - trust your instincts on this! I hope it all works out.
Thank you so much for your response. Yes that's what my new partner says. My instinct is that he is doing this for his own selfish reasons. He has always wanted her to live with him. Not our youngest, just her. We share custody and its always been fairly amicable. I have been to the school and they said they will try and talk to her. I have spoken to my daughter tonight and I said that it's a big decision and i love her but there must be a good reason for her to be home schooled.
My ex said that she's got lots of friends at her gymnastics class but when I asked her she said she doesn't because she doesn't want to make friends. My partner says that it might be a faze she's going through but we botb think she needs stability not more upheaval.
Man, your instincts are probably right on this. It does sound like your ex might be trying to manipulate the situation for his own benefit rather than truly having your daughter's best interests at heart.
A few things stand out:
- It's concerning he's only pushing for her to live with him primarily, not your younger kid as well. That makes it seem less about the kids and more about him.
- The fact your daughter can't clearly articulate a real reason for needing homeschooling beyond "I don't know" is a red flag. There should be legitimate academic or social issues driving that choice.
- That she says she doesn't actually have close friends at gymnastics like your ex claimed also casts doubt on his portrayal of things.
- You and your partner both agreeing upheaval isn't best right now holds weight, since you both know your daughter well. Stability is so important as a teen.
It was smart to talk to her teacher too to get their input. I'd keep advocating that more discussion with professionals needs to happen before making such a big change. Your ex threatening doesn't change the fact you both should agree on what's best.
Stay strong in your position. Don't let him force your hand without a clear reason things need to change so drastically. You're right to want more clarity before agreeing to this plan. She's lucky to have you looking out for her real needs.
You really know nothing about being introverted. It doesn't even sound like you have spoken to your daughter, yet you want to force her to do something she clearly doesn't want to do.
Her being 13, if this does go to court the judge can likely say yes she can be home schooled. Your reasons for forcing her to continue to go to school can have negative impacts on someone who is Introverted.
Maybe get educated on what being Introverted is and how it can and dies affect people because you clearly don't understand it
Just tell the truth about him in court.