Mate poaching: why do some people do it?

Question

A friend of mine tried to poach not one but three guys I dated off me. You could argue that mate poachers don't exist, as it takes two to tango, but mate poaching is about someone purposefully trying to attract, manipulate or prize away someone from their current longterm relationship.

Some tactics involve manipulating both people in the relationship against each other, or infiltrating the relationship under the guise of friendship and trying to persuade the couple to break up. Or putting down/humiliating their rival in order to seem like the more appealing option.

Studies have said that both male and female mate poachers tend to be higher in dark triad traits, such as machiavellianism, psychopathy and low empathy.

http://www.kyleconlon.com/uploads/1/9/1/0/19101611/conlon_k._e._strategies_for_mate_poaching.pdf

A study on mate-poaching says this:

"For poachers, the primary challenge is persuading a person to leave their current partner without raising the partner’s suspicion or incurring the partner’s wrath.

Targets of poaching, meanwhile, must carefully weigh the anticipated benefits and costs of defecting, while potential poachees must remain vigilant and successfully fend off would- be poachers (i. e., mate guarding)"

They say 49% of men have tried poaching a mate off of another man, and 63% of women have tried poaching a mate off another woman. An alarming 80% of both men and women succeed when they try, but the relationship quality of mate poachers is very low. Aka they tend to have toxic relationships.

What do you think about mate poachers? Do they exist and if so, why do you think they do it?

HawkPerception · Accepted Answer

"A friend" you say... you sure that's a friend? No real friend that genuinely wants your happiness would try to steal your partner. You should consider filtering your "friends" better.

Also, there are many reasons why people might try to "poach your mate" (although all are very immature):

Jealousy or Envy: Some friends might feel envious of your relationship and try to undermine it to fulfill their own desires or to bring you down to their level. Low Self-Esteem: Individuals with low self-esteem may seek validation by attempting to attract someone who is already in a committed relationship. They may see it as a way to boost their own confidence. Lack of Respect for Boundaries: Some people may not understand or respect the boundaries of a committed relationship. They might believe that pursuing your partner is acceptable behavior, even if it jeopardizes your relationship. Insecurity: Insecure individuals may believe that they can offer a better relationship than you do. They might try to exploit any perceived weaknesses in your relationship to make their move. Impulsiveness: Some people act on impulses without fully considering the consequences of their actions. They might not think about the impact of hitting on your partner on your friendship and the dynamics within your social circle. Attention-Seeking Behavior: Certain individuals crave attention and will go to great lengths to be the center of it. Trying to steal someone's partner can be a way for them to gain attention, even if it's negative. Unresolved Personal Issues: Individuals dealing with personal problems or dissatisfaction in their own lives might mistakenly believe that pursuing a relationship with your partner will bring them happiness or fulfillment. Misguided Notions of Romance: Some individuals might romanticize the idea of "stealing" someone's partner, seeing it as a dramatic and thrilling pursuit rather than recognizing the potential harm it can cause.

RavVid · Accepted Answer

I have even seen it being done in the street a few times!

It has always been a single girl running across a couple and the girls seem to know each and the single girl is being charming lots of - smiles, hair flicking and hand gestures. The couple girl responds and it seems to be a who's the nicest and most charming competition.

The couple guy has got this isn't she lovely look on his face and seems to be completely charmed by the single girl. He might as well be eating out of her hand at this point :)

After the single girl continues on her the couple girl gives couple guy what for and often hits him.

Mytake is this is brutal female intra-sex competition. The single girl is not necessarily interested in the guy. The single girl is getting her kick by showing the couple girl she could have the couple guy and therefore she is the top girl.

Yes mate poachers exist. A female pharmacist tried to mate poach me and used the store records to call me. girlfriend insisted on changing pharmacies after that.

Rei13 · Answer

Any individual that would do that is a terrible person. I’ve known of both men and women that have tried to poach someone (most failed, a few that succeeded), but I am not surprised that it is slightly higher with women. Honestly I would have thought the percentages would have been lower for both but I haven’t done my own research and honestly don’t care enough to do so.

LaFemmeFatale_1 · Answer

It’s an ego boost for them, to try to take away something that you want so badly.

So… It’s better to keep happiness hidden.

And have your privacy respected.

Those people are usually very unhappy with their lives and they’ll not keep that man for long. They only need him to prove themselves they they can get him from you.

lipstickalley3792 · Answer

I did take someone's boyfriend ONCE in high school. Can confirm I did it because I was highly insecure, not happy with where my life was going at the time, and felt the validation of being better or more worthy than a particular girl would someone heal my low ass self esteem. I felt she was stunning as well, she had everything I wanted pretty much, so taking her boyfriend made me feel pretty for once. At the end of the day all I was left with was the shame of having hurt someone and I still had low self esteem. It didn't raise my self esteem longterm, only short term. I'm not proud of myself but I'm a better person now thank god. I would never do it again. So mate poachers.. get your act together! It's not the flex you might think it is and doesn't feel as good as you think it will.

wolfcat87 · Answer

I would agree, I had a friend in high school who constantly attempted to mate poach and friend poach on every occasion. She actually did end up in prison serving a 30 year sentence for attempted murder. So, the dark triad reference is interesting.

From what I've seen of their logic, there are two reasons. First, if another woman has claimed him then that "proves" he is worth claiming. Second, if she can steal him, it "proves" she's better than the woman he had and boosts her self esteem.

Biancam13 · Answer

Your "friend" was probably envious of you. Homewreckers often are... or just selfish. But if she only targeted you it's because she probably thinks you're better and wants to level the playing field by taking your man. She's out for revenge.

I don't know the psychology of why they do it, but in my experience it's envy of the partner they're poaching from, an ego boost or selfishness.

I hope you got rid of that "friend". She'snot a friend.

Haaa135 · Answer

People who lack empathy do that. Same with most immoral behaviours, including bullying. Mate poachers usually want an ego boost and to feel better than another. It makes them feel special or powerful when they are able to successfully pull someone away from someone else. I think it's pathetic, honestly. My sister has done this before and it makes me side eye her.

SixFootSexy · Answer

"Women like men... that other women like." -Kevin Samuels

DarkWinterNights · Answer

That number seems high for guys. I’ve always been pretty respectful of my friends partners. There was only one time I’ve seen it happen. It was a friend in highschool who accused me of going after the same girl as him and unfortunately it’s destroyed the friendship between all three of us. I’ve been pretty hyper sensitive to how things may appear since then.

SeaStorm1 · Answer

I not done mate poaching but some of my past ex friends that did mate poaching on guys that I did have relationship with and from special learning disabilities college. i'm not with anyone at or in any relationship at all now. the ex friends were girls.

worldscolide · Answer

Simple, women want what they cannot have. And here is the rub, while both sexes do it, women do it far more. The man you're dating has become more attractive because you have already "vetted" him.. It's pathetic really.

JacobJordan · Answer

While mate poaching may be a thing they also have a useful purpose. They weed out less than desirable suitors for you. Saving you from having to find out 15 years later you made a mistake

Carly2005 · Answer

Friends don’t do it. To me If you do that your scum. I tend to drop them. Hell i dropped friends when they cheated on their partner. I seen what happens to person that been cheated on.

LiamJHayden · Answer

1. Friends don't do that. 2. Poaching can only succeed if the partner allows it. In that case, good riddance.

KrakenAttackin · Answer

"machiavellianism, psychopathy and low empathy". This is the definition of women, why are you surprised by the behavior of other women?

Staximus · Answer

With friends like yours, who needs enemies?

Tharithi · Answer

What did she do

milesy67 · Answer

Because some people are horrible people.

Anonymous · Answer

It happens to me all the time.

Mate poaching: why do some people do it?

Most Helpful Opinions

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

Mate poaching: why do some people do it?

Most Helpful Opinions

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

We're glad to see you liked this post.