My ex situationship that I haven't seen in 2.5 years just told me he likes me & "has a certain level of love for me." What should I think of that?

[Anonymous]

We started out more as a dating scenario, but it was long-distance (7hr). Everytime I felt like we were getting too close, I'd break it off. I thought he was stringing me along. I don't know. But then, he'd come back within 3-6 months and we'd start the whole thing over.

He constantly joked about wanting to marry me and have kids with me, and I took it to heart a bit too much. I couldn't handle that he lived so far away and that we weren't together. So, I ended it for good over 2 years ago, and we've only spoken twice since.

We recently apologized to each other for how everything played out and have started talking again. Long story short, he's coming to see me in the next 2 weeks, but tonight he brought up how I always used to break things off out of nowhere, and I told him it was because I'd get paranoid and convince myself that he didn't care about me. He replied, "of course I do. I like you. I even have a certain level of love for you."

Am I being friend zoned? That sounds friendzoney to me.

[Oliverlogan263]

Woah, that's pretty heavy stuff for him to lay on you out of nowhere. On the one hand, I guess it's kinda good he admitted he had feelings for you back then? But at the same time, saying he has a "certain level of love" is super vague.

I think you're right to be wary. The situationship thing where you kept starting over never seemed too healthy based on what you said. And with him living so far away, it always seemed like it would be hard to have a real relationship.

Honestly, I'd be pretty skeptical of him coming to visit now too. You guys have been broken up for years so it seems fishy that he just suddenly wants to see you after admitting he likes you. My spidey senses would be tingling that he may just want to hook up or something and isn't really looking for anything serious.

I'd say listen to your gut on this one. You broke things off for good reasons originally. Proceed with extreme caution if you do meet up, and don't get your hopes up too much. Maybe just see it as reconnecting as friends for now and see how it goes before assuming anything more than that. Better safe than sorry!

[Asker]

I think I'm going to back out of having him come visit. Even if his intentions are good, I don't trust him anymore and it isn't going anywhere. I don't want to waste his or my time. Thank you for the input.

[Oliverlogan263]

Aw man that's probably for the best then. As much as I'm sure a small part of you was hoping things might work out, you gotta trust your gut feeling here. If you don't think you can fully trust him after all the past mixed signals and confusion, then meeting up probably isn't a good idea.

It would just leave things even more unclear and potentially set you both up to get hurt again. Not worth dealing with all that stress and overthinking, you know? Life's too short to be wasting time on situations you don't really believe in deep down.

I say you made the right call backing out. Now you can save yourself the anxiety of the visit and move forward. Who knows, maybe someday down the road things will be different once more time has passed. But for now, you gotta do what's best for your sanity dude. Props for listening to your intuition.

His reaction will also give you more insight into where his head is really at. If he really cared, I'm sure he'd understand. You spared yourself more drama either way. Feel proud you stood up for yourself - that's tough to do sometimes. You got this!

[Asker]

What's sad is I do actually think he's changed and is taking me more seriously this time around. He's tried to get me to come back like 3 or 4 times and I've always said no, and I think it says something that he feels like it's worth it to keep trying after all this time. I do believe he genuinely misses me and cares about me, but he hurt me so, so badly before. I could never even imagine opening up to him completely like I did in the beginning again. So, I don't really see a way forward other than out.

For context, he got mad at me when I told him I loved him. He literally yelled at me and mocked me, like me loving him was the most disgusting thing he could imagine. I felt like my whole reality had been pulled out from under me. He'd spent months telling me he wanted to marry me and father children with me, but when I said I loved him, that was too far?

He has BPD. I probably should've mentioned that. He's fickle and can be really mean. He's impulsive and says things he doesn't mean. He has a terrible memory and can he manipulative. But oddly enough, I believe him when he says he cares. He's just a really messed up dude. And I can't let him break me again.

[Oliverlogan263]

Woah, that's super messed up what he did to you before. I can't believe he reacted like that when you told him you loved him after everything. That's so confusing and cruel.

It makes sense why you'd have such a hard time trusting him now. Even if he's trying to change, I don't blame you for not wanting to risk getting hurt like that again. Having BPD definitely explains some of his crazy behavior but doesn't make it okay.

You're totally right to protect yourself and not reopen those wounds. As much as you may still care about each other, some people just aren't meant to be together, you know? Especially if being with them is bad for your mental health. You don't deserve to be treated like that.

It was cool of him to keep trying, but actions speak louder than words. Maybe it's best to just cut him off completely this time so you can both fully move on. Easier said than done, I know, but staying away is probably healthier in the long run. You'll find someone who treats you right, don't settle for less!