My boyfriend made an insulting comment I can’t stop thinking about, what do I do?

[Leapinlemon]

My boyfriend of 11 months said something pretty hurtful the other day that I can’t stop thinking about. As I was getting out of the car from a date he stopped me and said “you would always be honest with me right?” I said “of course” and he said “I really don’t like the way you look in those jeans. Sorry”.

This was the first time he had ever said anything of this nature but it crushed me. Having struggled with an eating disorder for the past decade I assumed he would have been kinder. Later I asked what the intention behind the remark was and he said he didn’t mean to hurt me and genuinely thought I would want to know (he compared it to him pointing out something stuck in my teeth or something).

Just thinking about it makes me question other things he’s said in the past, and kind of makes me worry I’m simply an object in his eyes. What should I do?

[Anonymous]

There’s honesty. And then there’s being an asshole. Your boyfriend chose the asshole route.
Honesty, done in love, would be saying something along the lines of, “Those jeans don’t really flatter you.” Instead he phrased it in a way that made it sound like you were the problem, not the jeans. Whether he intended to or not, that’s how you heard it.

I’m not going to jump right up and say you should dump him. I would first be straightforward with him and tell him that what he said, and how you heard it, made you feel like he insulted you.

[Anonymous]

Maybe tell him to work on his phrasing. "I really don't like those jeans."

The way he says it, it's like, "I really don't like the way you look... (in those jeans)."

It may just be a matter of needing very specific/literal parameters/formula in how to speak about something like this.

And if you feel like he didn't say it to lash out and hurt you (just phrased it wrong), then learn to let it go. If he says, "If you died when you crashed my car I could at least have collected the insurance money," that's grounds for divorce. (Been there, done that). Current keeper, I fell on my face with his expensive camera, and he was by my side in an instant worried about me. "Your camera..." "Don't worry about the camera. Are YOU alright?" This is the difference between abusive statement and loving statement.

[Avicenna]

Your concern here is understandable, but I think you're reading too much into what he said, which clearly didn't have bad intent. You have been with him for 11 months, don't you know how he feels about you as a person?

[Hulk_kitty]

I would dump him, making you feel about yourself, is not someone you want to be with.

[Billlewis]

Dump him and dump him quickly -- you can do much better.

[Anonymous]

He's making you insecure so you'll be dependent on him. Crushing your self esteem to make you feel worthless and easily manipulated. Run away from him.

[RavVid]

I don't think it was easy for him to say that. If jeans don't flatter you, don't wear them. Sorry.

[Twalli]

He didn't say you look fat in those Jean's, it may have nothing to do with weight. Some clothes are just not flattering on a person. That's probably all he meant.

[jennifer_bloom]

I would block his number.

[Hispanic-Cool-Guy]

That's petty. You can't be so sensitive over silly stuff. It's just pants.

[Anonymous]

Why? It's a solid honest statement.. it's way better then lying to you.. you are lucky to have someone honest