Boyfriend's friend always insults me. What to do?

[Anonymous]

Let's call him "Abe" . he's got a restraining order from text-message harassing a girl who broke up with him after a couple months, and this behavior was the norm, he even did it to one of my friends, until the RO--then he changed his ways. He's always insulting me, my boyfriend knows it, and last year he randomly, without my doing anything other than smiling and listening to his story, verbally attacked me and drunkenly claimed that I was always insulting him and that he never liked me. My boyfriend immediately backed me up saying this was a lie, that "Abe" was the one always insulting me. I said that I couldn't believe he was saying this, that He was averaging 3-7 personal insults at me nightly. He demanded I provide examples, so when I began listing off examples, he interrupted me, sticking out his hand in a "truce" saying he hoped I could resolve whatever issues I had, that in the future he hoped we could get along. He was so drunk and loud, and I was so unprepared to handle this kind of behavior, I just shook his hand to get him out of my face. my boyfriend, our friends, witness that his accusations were totally false. SO after that blow up, we cooled off from him quite a bit. His response was to be cheerful and fake nice towards me, and he acted like the whole thing ever happened. After a year, he's succeeded worming his was back into hanging out on "good behavior", so of course, he's started up on the insults again. Last night, I showed up to meet him and the boyfriend, and the first thing abe said was "i think you really need to go to a spa, you look really tense, I can tell by your body language. For your boyfriends sake, please go. Cause you know, girls are just so emotionally unstable and they need that sort of thing." He was saying this all because I was mashing a lime in my drink with a straw because I love lime juice-- and this wasn't just a one time jokey comment, which I can enjoy and banter with a lot of guys--this was like, him going on for paragraphs trying to dig into me. I just played it off casually, joking that I was actually an amateur mixologist and what I was doing with the lime is referred to as "muddling"--and that actually there are russian bath houses where guys go to relax etc.--anything to get him to stop trying to dig in to me. later he's like "You would benefit from hanging out, like, with people in your industry. Like going out, like, alone to bars and stuff where people who do what you do hang out."--We hang out with all different people, have both separate and mutual friends-and abe's "subtly" criticizing me for having no life because I meet my boyfriend at a bar on a Friday night? these are just examples of many insults-age, weight, looks, intelligence--I'm good in these categories, plus abe is ten years older! I handled it cooly while we were out, but when we got back , I cried myself to sleep. Didn't plan that. I don't often have outbursts or cry to get what I want. Feeling pathetic and lost and alienated.

Updates

+1 y

we haven't seen this guy for over 2 years except in unavoidable passing. my boyfriend came to see that even his friends and extended circle of friends immediately reacted to "Abe's" negative influence. I guess I acted so weakly because I just did not want to fulfil that stereotype of the girlfriend who badmouths the best friend but in this case it was warranted. thx for helping.

[stubbsy]

This guy is threatened by you by the sounds of it, or he likes you and puts you down so he doesn't make it obvious to anyone he likes you, so play him at his game, next time he gets nasty towards you, ask him why and that is it because he likes you, because every time he puts you down you think he must have feelings for me because he is consistant, because if he disliked you then he is giving you a reason and everyone else a reason to stop hanging around him, so I think if you ask him this in front of people when he puts you down again, he will change his attitude towards you, because this really is the most likely reason he is like this to you so consistantly, there's no other reason or excuse, I bet it works, good luck,x

[Asker]

I might suspect that--but I think that's more common with the standard "girlfriend and best friend who don't get along scenario"--this scenario seems a little escalated because he has all this past baggage with girls. If he had a totally normal history with girls that would be one thing--but a lot of people consider him unstable, and it's gotten above and beyond the point where I'm losing sleep over it and I need to figure out how to deal in a way where he won't seek retaliation.

[stubbsy]

Dont worry about retaliation, retaliation from him proves your opinion of events, you want him to prove to people that he is unstable and just nasty towards you. I know this situation can't be reflected into words and I understand things can and usually are harder than what is stated,but if you prove to the people around you that this guy is just constant at slagging you off and upsetting you, then what ever your reply may be, you need to ignite a retaliation, because this will prove he is guilty

[Triathlete]

You need to call him out and in the open with everyone there, ""Abe" what is with the backhanded comments? You must have some major control issues huh? Did daddy give you the belt to many times? You're a real big man to be putting down women. Stop with the condescending, backhanded, passive aggressive bullsh*, you coward."

Calling him out in the open, will tell him you had enough and you don't care if you cause a scene.

This is a bully, plain and simple. Stand up to him and take no prisoners.

[Asker]

Yeah I agree, he's a bully, and probably doesn't think of himself this way at all either--I want to know how to deal with him in a way where he's not gonna cause problems and won't seek retaliation. I'm concerned about telling him off because he's so manipulative, and a seasoned ameteur stalker . I feel like I can't even think clearly--like maybe not see him for a month and then next time I see him if he tries any crap just rip right into him.

[Triathlete]

Can't be afraid. Just because this guy is a sociopath doesn't mean you have to not feel happy and safe. If you worry about retaliation then he wins. That's what he is hoping for. He may be ten years older but that doesn't make him right. You can make the whole scene just as uncomfortable or more than he can. Remember,...the road goes both ways. You give him as much mental power and leverage as you want him to have.

[JakobJ]

He seems mentally ill. I'd guess if you ask him about his childhood, he will have a strong reaction

[Asker]

yeah I can't say I would rule out him being capable of some kind of violence or worrisome retaliation. and when I've broken down and insulted him back, like once for every twenty insults he's slung at me, he freaks out and brings it up repeatedly. He's hard for my boyfriend to avoid as a "friend" because they're in the same industry, similar circles, and he's one of those friends who can be counted on to always show up and keep in touch. also he's somewhat pitiable so you feel guilty.