How should I deal with this on and off unrequited love and can I get a male’s perspective on his behavior?

[Anonymous]

Sorry, this is kind of a long story so I’ll try to do main bullet points:

- I matched with this guy on Hinge 2 years ago (we both agreed to casually dating) and we spoke daily for about 4 months before we actually met in person (he was traveling and doing work internationally)

- A couple weeks before we met, he said maybe we should just be friends because I was starting to develop feelings and he wasn’t ready for something committed

- We were “friends” for about a month, it was inconsistent because he would come over a lot and we’d cuddle and kiss etc.

- After a couple weeks, I told him it wasn’t working for me because my feelings had gotten stronger, but he didn’t feel the same. We didn’t talk for a month

- We reconnect and I say I’m ready to be friends, but the feelings come back way stronger a couple months later

-I confess my much stronger feelings for him again. We don’t talk for about 9 months because I told him I needed space

- We return to the friendship, and a couple months in my feelings have come back AGAIN.
I’m getting really frustrated because he’s one of my closest friends and we really care about each other. We still talk everyday. And recently we started re-hashing the whole thing again, and he said that when I told him how I felt long ago, it “didn’t feel right, and can’t explain why.” The friendship causes me joy and pain at the same time. The rejection recently started affecting me again because I don’t even understand if he rejected me because he doesn’t want a relationship, or if it’s because he just didn’t see me in that way. I feel like i’m spiraling… there are too many emotions going on in my head for a long time now.

[DoggyDude]

I'd say you need to work out where your at emotionally. Generally speaking, when you''re really into someone, it's not an on-and off-kind of deal emotionally (your feelings for them). In the situatiion where your feelings are ignighted, but then you can logicallt work to repress or dismiss them (and your not left feeling damaged or hardly able to function for restraining them) it likely means your feelings for them are highly conditonal (though in fairness it could be they aren't yet developed, and your still relatively immature emotionally). There's nothing wrong with being that way, but it can indicate perhaps your looking for something more (and when that 'more' comes you'll not be able to turn off and on your feelings but will be really in love).

In general, I'd always worry about anyone saying "i'm not ready for commitment" because, decoded, it basically means "I do like you, but I think maybe I can do better,.. but you might do so I'll keep that option open". For me, that's not something I'd seek out... though it really depends what your looking for and how quickly your looking to get there (as if your not really asking for commitment, or your willing to take a risk having a family with someone who might never show commitment, then its just a wheel spin).

Figure out if your looking for 'some fun' or a serious relationship with a future with your own family. I'd recommend the former, but everyone is different and sometimes practically the latter works better for some people.

Whatever you do, wait until you feel sure about something before moving forward with it. Generally speaking, if your not certain to move forward will just double the confusion and the risk.

Good luck.

[strateguy632]

don't rehash, ask him what he wants now. the 9 month " I told him I needed space" might have pushed him away but try now.

[Asker]

I guess I just don’t feel like it’s necessary. He doesn’t have feelings for me, none of the signs are there. We’re way too deep into the friendship at this point. And he’s been dating around not too long ago

[Lady_Heart]

Its not worth it. If a man doesn't want u and he tells u about it, don't force it. You need to move on. If he wanted u, u would know cuz thats how men are

[Anonymous]

This was doomed before it even started. Your first paragraph said it all.

[Asker]

Are you willing to elaborate?

[Anonymous]

Find yourself first get something going on the ball for yourself before you start getting yourself into a serious relationships

[Asker]

I’m pretty young but I think I have mostly “found myself.” For context I’m 24 and he’s 27.

[KrakenAttackin]

He is trying to groom you to be a committed fuck buddy.