How long should you wait for sex with a new partner?

[Anonymous]

Is it until the second date, the fifth, or the eighth date? I’ve read all these online dating rules and they’re all different and idealistic. Which tells me nothing. I’m autistic and I find all this sugarcoating that non autistic people do really tiring and confusing.

Updates

2 mo

Then when I ask non autistic people questions, they don’t believe that I don’t know if something is a good idea or not and WHY or why not. So they either say something ambiguous or dishonest or they tell me it’s a good idea or not, then they don’t explain WHY. So I’m left in the dark still, learning nothing.

[MrOracle]

I will tell you straight.

You first have to start with: what are you expecting out of this? - because the answer to your question depends heavily on the answer to this one.

If you're just looking for casual sex, then you need to wait until you know that person is probably going to be safe as a casual sex partner. What does "safe" mean? It means they understand and agree that this is only casual sex, it means that you are reasonably sure that they're likely to be STD-free AND that they're willing to use a condom just in case, and it means they aren't likely to be violent or force you to do things you don't want to do. Because even if it's just casual sex, you MUST consider these things, for your own safety. And, yes, you probably have to have some conversation before you can have any chance of knowing the answers to these questions. You might find out the answers to these questions in less than an hour, or it might take a number of days or weeks to get enough information to decide.

If you are looking for a relationship, things get more complicated. Not only do you need the answers to the "casual sex" questions above, but you also need to know a whole lot more. First, is this person even looking for a relationship? Many are not, and you should never expect someone to change their mind for you. Second, even if they are looking for a relationship, would they consider YOU as a relationship partner? That's a very different question, and one many people aren't even willing to ask themselves. Third, what are this person's morals, values, and life-goals? These are the most important things in a relationship partner, yet most people don't ask these questions before they get into a relationship. They either assume the know the answers (and are often wrong), or they intentionally avoid learning the answers because they're pretty sure they won't like the answers, but they find the person so attractive that they want to avoid any reason for not dating them.

If you get into a relationship with someone who has very different morals and values than you have, you could find that they're committing crimes, or cheating on you, or stealing money from work, or kicking animals, or who knows what. And if they have life-goals that aren't compatible, then maybe one of you wants marriage and the other doesn't, or kids, or you have different religions, or one of you wants to live in the city and the other in the suburbs. Maybe you want him to be home every night, but he wants to take a job that requires him to travel 3 weeks a month. If you don't have all of this stuff worked out BEFORE you commit to someone, you are setting yourself up for failure, because it will be nearly impossible for the relationship to last.

It's going to take more time to get the answers to all of these questions, and until you do, it's not in your best interests to have sex with that person. How long exactly is impossible to say, but it would be pretty tough to get this all figured out in less than a couple of weeks at the very soonest, and a month or two is certainly reasonable - and more if you need more time. On the other hand, waiting more than 3-4 months is probably not reasonable - either you aren't working on answering those questions enough or there's something wrong and you're not admitting it to yourself.

[MrOracle]

You must keep your expectations realistic, though. NO ONE is going to be "perfect" - every relationship requires compromises and sacrifices at some level. Just remember that what's important are morals, values, and life-goal compatibility. If you have to give up looks or status or money to get a guy with the right morals, values, and life goals, it will be worth it, because looks, status, and money won't be able to solve problems with morals, values, and life goals, no matter how much initial attraction you feel.

[BoopBoopBeep]

That's because they assume you're an idiot. Not just you. Autistic people. I actually find it a lot easier to talk to autistic people because I hate all the sugarcoating normies do to each other because quite frankly life is too short for that shite. Spending two hours and a thousand words to do the same thing that could be handled in 5 minutes and a couple dozen? Haha... who is the dumb one?

Anyway... your question. "Should" is subjective, which means it's horseshite and all answers are correct. "Is this art pretty?" "Is this music good?" I'm probably not the best person to say what "normal" looks like. I spent 9 years in a war zone and now I live in a house in the woods with rescue kittens.

Now statistically, from my anecdotal experience, 95% of the time we've had sex on or by the third date, but it's been faster if we REALLY hit it off and had a long date so we spent more time together than just coffee.

[WhitneySnow]

At least a month. I didn’t do anything sexual with my boyfriend until our fifth date. It’s best to wait because a guy who only wants you for sex will lose interest if you make him wait too long. In theory, making the guy wait ensures he really likes you.

[Artificial Intelligence]

I'm here to dive into the deep end of relationship advice, sans floaties! When it comes to the question of when to take the plunge into the pool of intimacy with a new partner, there really isn't a one-size-fits-all snorkel or even a set number of laps you should do before diving in. The world of dating, especially as seen online, can feel like you're swimming in a sea of confusing signals and rules that seem to change faster than a quick costume change in a Broadway show.

For someone on the autism spectrum, I totally get how this ambiguity could be especially perplexing. Here's the deal: it's less about the countdown and more about feeling out the vibe. The best guideline? Communication, consent, and comfort. You want to ensure that both you're and your partner's feelings are very much in sync and that you're both diving off the same diving board so to speak.

So, instead of marking your calendar waiting for date number X, focus on building a connection, understanding each other's boundaries, and most importantly, ensuring you're both feeling the vibes and giving enthusiastic consent. When it feels right for *both* of you, that's your green light. There's no rush, no pressure, just pure connection and mutual respect.

Ready to dive into more relationship convos or fishing for some advice? Let's keep swimming together in this sea of love and discovery! 🏊‍♂️💕

[Drew-1990]

Everyone has their own set of rules on this. Personally speaking I think you should be in love if not wait till marriage honestly. I say this because of you look at studies done on this. People that have less sexual partners, especially only one, have a higher success rate in marriage and are generally happier and have a more satisfying sex life. Believe me or not but the studies that went into this all came up with that conclusion. Now here this is me, but if you wait longer isn't that a better sign that you found someone good and real and doesn't just want you for sex? A player maybe willing to wait a couple dates but is willing to waste months or more when he only wants sex from you.

[GreenLanternI0I]

I'm I and her looking for sex only, the same day. If I and her are looking for something solid and long term 2 to 4 months without sex while living together 100% I need to know who she really is, her habits good side bad side etc... Sex makes things too complicated, if I'm looking for a solid foundation in my life.

[Fireguy17]

you will know when the time is right, you really can't put a number on it.
Sometimes it happens on the first date, other times it can take a few months.

[firenine909]

Whenever you both like each other and respect each others desires, most so the latter point. When that is I’m not sure

[exitseven]

I used to look at it like I look at most other things. i have a "As long as it takes" attitude.

[JacobJordan]

When you feel it is right. Don't logic it feel it

[DextroShade]

Ma'am, you are over thirty and firmly in the danger zone so you don't have time to make men wait. The first date is free and by then you should already know if you would sleep with the guy or not. If you wouldn't then don't accept any more dates; if you would then you should put out by the third date.

[_piotr]

Until marriage, but better is forever. Sex is evil.

[stratford]

As long as it takes for him to get hard and her to get wet ;-)

[Guanfei]

I'd say as much as possible, to make sure your partner isn't here just for that.

[Billlewis]

I always wait as long as she wants me to.

[Al_Musafir]

Till marriage.

[Anonymous]

First date.