I need your advice on this situation ?

[Anonymous]

I knew my boyfriend a year ago, recently I talked to him about marriage because we are both near 40 years old and I want to have a family before it's too late but he surprised me that he didn't don't think about marriage now, I'm sad because I thought he loved me, I'm afraid of wasting my time for nothing, I want to leave but I can't, what can I do?

[MrOracle]

This is why you must fully vet any potential partner up-front, BEFORE you commit to them. Him not wanting to get married has nothing to do with how he feels about you, and everything to do with how the laws work. Marriage is a business contract where women are incentivized to leave men, and win cash and prizes when they do so at his expense.

If you wanted to be married, that should have been a question you asked no later than your third date. You should ASSUME that most men do NOT want to be married, and that you are looking for an exception to that rule. If you assumed that every man naturally wanted to get married, you made a huge false assumption. And this is why you vet potential partners.

You also need to understand that you aren't going to change a man, so you have to find a man who is ALREADY the man you want, as far as his morals, values, and life-goals go. If a man is not a marrying man when you meet him, he's NEVER going to be one. You can't change a man and you can't "fix" a man - you either accept him as he is or you don't and you move on.

[Asker]

Hi, what do you mean by "you vet"?

[MrOracle]

To "vet" someone is to check into their values, their behavior, and their past. When you get a security clearance to work with the government or the military, you are "vetted" - they check into your past history, they interview your family, friends, and neighbors, etc. You do this because you can't find out a lot of very important things about them unless you actively ask about them.

How does this person feel about things such as:

- marriage
- religion
- children
- their career plans into the future
- pre-existing family obligations
- finances
- where you will live (big city, suburbs, rural)

And anything else that's likely to have LONG-TERM importance.

You can't expect to have a relationship have long-term success if you don't check these things from the very beginning - and you have to check them at the beginning, before you commit, because these things won't change, and the only time you have to make a decision is at the beginning.

[Asker]

👍👍👍👍

[Asker]

Thank you so much it was very helpful😊

[MrOracle]

Glad to be of help.

[boggboss]

Him wanting to marry u now has nothing to do with him loving u or not all u can do is tell him what u think and decide

[Anonymous]

I think you need to have a heart to heart discussion to find out why he’s not thinking about marriage. Does he feel it’s too early in the relationship to be thinking about it? Is he even interested in marriage at all?
A man can have a family anytime in his lifetime, even into old age. But a woman can’t. Express that to him, and offer a timeline. If he still won’t consider your feelings on the matter, then he is certainly not the one for you.

[StarWarGirl]

Why can't leave? If you really want a family you have all rights to go for it. Yes it will be painful but isn't it better to bear some pain now than living with regrets and compromise long life? Can you really live without a family? Ask yourself. Also you have very less time as after a age it would be very difficult for you to bear a child you can't waste that in such kind confusion. You have to take a decision, no matter whatever you decide.

[Ms_Facesitter]

... It's not because he might not be into marrying, that he doesn't love you. Those are two different things. But if he really is against marrying and you Want to marry, you two just are not meant to be together.

[Billlewis]

Give him an ultimatum to either marry you by the end of the year or hit the road.